AMS -
I hope you can help. For the past few weeks, I've been suffering from a more than slightly embarrassing problem, and it shows no signs of retiring (or even fading slightly), you filthy festering mound of second rate...[I've cut a few words here]. The problem started at about the same time as I visited Bramplingtonhamshireston World Of Funny Fun Fun (TM) and went on the new Can Opener ride, you dumb daughter of a son of a daughter of a son of a daughter of a ...[this was very creative I thought. Too bad I cut it...] peasant tramp's pony. As the ride begins, each passenger is injected with a strange bubbling syruppy mixture, which is said to heighten the excitement. I must admit that, with this stuff pumping round my veins, the sight of someone with a beard opening some Alphabetti was, indeed, edge of the seat stuff. But ever since I returned I find it impossible to control my manners - in particular I find it most difficult not to put people down at every opportunity. You withered, useless, helpless, cretinous, sickening, [he rambled on here for a while, out of control I guess...sad isn't it?]
Love the web page, by the way.
- Anon in Nor... um, Aberdeen
Dear Anon,
You know, most people
would assume because you were injected with some strange liquid during
that amusement park ride and you had a mind-bending experience that this
problem of outbursts stems from that. It is entirely possible. But I think
you and I both know that isn’t true. It may be the excuse you tell others,
but please don’t bother trying to convince me. I’ve been to Bramplingtonhamshireston
World Of Funny Fun Fun (TM) and that was a harmless injection of sugar
water that they give. That’s all part of the “Funny Fun Fun” you stupid
idiot of a writer. Your problem is that you are trying to get attention
from others. It may not even be on a conscious level either because feeble-minded
lamebrains like you with nothing but oatmeal between the ears think that
way…you son of a son of a sticky refrigerator magnet. Anyway, only you
can help you, by making an effort to speak kinder words. It won’t be easy,
but with a positive attitude and a strong will you should be able to adjust
to a life without these outbursts. (Although I doubt someone with
the mental faculties of a rusty doorknob like yourself will be able to.
But keep trying you hopeless, withering, cretinous, plastic cooking utensil.)
Glad you like the page!