Perhaps you can help me. Eric, our guinea pig, seems to have developed telepathic powers. I can be reading in bed, or watching TV, quite relaxed, and then all of a sudden I see a mental image of Eric dressed in a tuxedo and waving his silver tipped cane at the refrigerator. Whenever this happens, I look over towards his cage, and see him staring intently at me! Then I just get this irresistible urge to go to the fridge, fetch some carrots and parsley, and bring them to him. And when I feed him, I get this mentally projected voice that says, "what took you so long?!"
Usually he wakes me up out of a sound sleep 5 or 6 times
a night, and I'm just powerless to resist. He's so cute and I love him
very much, so I wouldn't dream of doing anything bad to him, but I'm starting
to sleep on my job (I run a construction crane at a downtown New York skyscraper
building site) and several times ran a wrecking ball into some offices
in a neighboring building. Last week I lost a load of girders and they
crashed into a sleazy residential hotel on the next block! My foreman said
that union
rules can't protect me much longer and to shape up or
ship out.
Do all guinea pigs have these powers? Or is Eric perhaps a mutant? Or a descendant of an all-powerful race of highly advanced beings that once ranged the galaxies in search of planets to enslave and inferior beings to serve them?
Please help me SuzW, I want to keep Eric and keep my job too.
Eddie "Bruiser" McCorkle, Babylon Heights, New York
Dear Brusier,
You have a big problem.
I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes right now, and I bet I could fit both
in one. I realize some people may say that perhaps you are imagining the
entire thing. I can't be sure, but given the fact that you envisioned him
with a little silver tipped cane and tuxedo I'm going to believe you, as
that in itself sounds like something more than you may be able to imagine.
Although my knowledge
about mental telepathy is limited, I do know that the person sending the
messages usually chooses a subject he feels he can easily manipulate. So
here is what I would suggest: You are going to have to overpower these
guinea pig mental suggestions with thoughts of your own. That is going
to require a tremendous amount of concentration on your part. You may want
to write down some simple phrases to repeat (in your head of course) such
as: "I'm not listening!", "This space is NOT for rent", or "You talkin'
to me? You talkin' to me??". (think that last one in a deranged Robert
DeNiro voice.) If that’s too hard just a simple “La la la la la la la la.."
will suffice. The key is for you to regain control of your thoughts. Then
let’s hope after a few weeks he realizes you are no longer an easy target
and gives up.
Of course if all else fails
you could always just make sure his cage is filled to the brim with all
his favorite snacks and beverages as that seems to be his biggest complaint.
If he has a full belly he may stop messaging at night and you'll be awake
enough during the day to spare what’s left of NYC. Also, if he suddenly
disappears one day then I’d say your alien theory may be correct and
just be thankful he’s off to hunt down another willing subject.