Einstein's Lost Theories

The Lost Theories of Einstein

Einstein's Special Theory of Relatives: "Six relatives can not sit down to a holiday dinner without at least one relative upsetting the balance and causing unnatural turmoil." It is believed that Einstein wrote this the day after a disastrous Lincoln's Birthday dinner in 1922, (still celebrated quite vigorously at the time) in which his Uncle Arnold Einstein was overindulging in the wine and apparently eating the majority of the little celery logs filled with cream cheese that Albert adored. "You've eaten half the celery log cabin yourself...what about the rest of us?!", he was quoted to have shouted. "Excuse me Mr. Nobel Prize winner!", Uncle Arnold retorted while throwing 3 celery logs across the table onto Albert's plate. "Why don't you just have another helping of the 'Spaghettisburg Dressing' There's plenty of that I see!" (Spaghettisburg Dressing being a spaghetti casserole with turkey dressing that Albert's wife devised and made a habit of bringing to all Lincoln birthday dinners that went widely untouched.) At this point Albert and Arnold were fighting fisticuffs hence proving Einstein's theory.

Einstein's Theory on Timepieces: "No two timepieces will lose or gain the same amount of time." Einstein, spending most of his time alone postulating his theories, noticed over time that clocks never seemed to keep the same time. He later wrote, "I was on the brink of understanding the mass to energy ratio when suddenly my wife calls out...'Albert..its 8:00pm...come have your meal!' I was furious to have my concentration broken and looking at my pocket watch shouted, 'You daft woman! Its only 7:58pm'...and then simultaneously seeing my grandfather clock said 8:01pm, I grabbed my alarm clock which said 8:06pm. 'Why is it always like this?? Why don't these things keep proper time???', I yelled. I must know. I cannot continue on without knowing why." This lead him to begin collecting timepieces. At one point he had nearly 500 timepieces in his little study which he would set every morning..a 3 hour task. He would become particularly infuriated when the coo coo clocks would go off at different times. Yet at no point could he get all clocks to display the same time. Finally after nearly 2 years, much hair loss and 7 minor strokes from the stress...he published his theory.

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