What if we did receive letters in the grave?

A fellow citizen of Geocities has this quote on his email contact page.

Of course this gives rise to the question, what if we did receive letters in the grave?

Here are some likely samples...

Dear Faust,

As I am sure you are aware, you being a conscientious man and having read the fine print in your contract, payment is now due for services rendered...

Well, I trust you haven't made any such bargains, so hopefully you won't be plagued by reminders and eternal bailiffs. More likely though is..

You have already won!

Dear

Mr. Smith

our computer has selected you, you are a LUCKY SWEEPSTAKES WINNER! Your prized is ALREADY waiting for you! All you have to do to collect is enter our no obligation contest. If you purchase our LIMITED EDITION collectors heirloom, you will be also entered for our FANTASTIC $100000 Grand Sweepstake....

Once you are on their mailing list, nothing gets you off. Inevitably there will be the amateur forms of this...

$$$$$$READ THIS NOW$$$$$

Don't throw away this letter, it will change your life for ever! (And we all know now that forever is a long long long time...)

We have all seen "Get to Heaven Quick" schemes. Heck, the Popes back on the far side use to make megabucks out of it until that louse Luther called in the fraud squad. But this one is different, this ones for real! This one worked for me!

I used to be a politician, and when I got down here I found I was headed for the wrong place in a big way, then someone sent me this letter. I nearly threw it away when I said, heck, give it a try, things can't get worse.. So I did, now I'm sitting pretty with sexy little angels catering to my every need...

The plan is easy, mail 5 of your good points to the soul at the head of the list below, remove the top name and add your name to the bottom of the list. Make a hundred copies of this letter....

PTerry Prattchet did the following better in "Johnny and the Dead" but its inevitable that the "dead hand" of bureaucracy will spread everywhere...

In terms of City ordinance 15822 of 1998,

please vacate your final resting place by

12th of June 1998

to make way for the new eastern sewer system...

Although city councils being city councils and neighbour being neighbours the following missive is equally likely...

City Health and Sanitation regulation 155 of 1903,

Complaints have been received that your property

coffin

constitutes a public health hazard.

You are reminded that it is your public spirited duty and in terms of City Health and Sanitation regulation 155 of 1903 your legal obligation to maintain your property in such a manner that it no longer

 emits a noxious and unhealthsome smell

We thank you for you cooperation and remind you that the penalty for continued contravention is $600...

They say life is a bitch and then you die. Unless you believe in reincarnation. In which case life is a bitch and then you die...

...then life is a bitch and then you die - then life is a bitch and then you die - then life is a bitch and then you die - then life is a bitch and then you die - then life is a bitch and then you die ...

Judgement of the Appeal Court.

Your appeal against your sentence has been granted and the court has agreed that your sentence was unnecessarily harsh. The court has reduced your sentence to spending your next ten to the power of twenty-three lives as a worm or nematode.

Comments, queries and conversation.

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