Happy post-Valentine's Day. I would like to bring a little fact to your attention: we're all gonna fucking die.
Seriously, people, am I assigning you guys too much intelligence when I figure that you didn't fall for all the Orange Alert danger terrorists might attack bullshit that they've been noising about for the past week? Every single time there is a Muslim holiday, they jack up our alert level because "there's an increased likelihood of terrorist attacks". Well, considering the fact that there have been plenty of pseudo-Christian nutjobs with terrorist plots committing terrorist actions, shouldn't we be jacking up the alert levels at every Christian holiday? In fact, if we go by the Catholic Calendar of magic feast days and saint days and whatever, we'd constantly be on high alert. Fuck this shit. They're just trying to scare the holy fuckola out of people so they'll sit down and shut up about bombing the fuck out of Iraq without U.N. backing.
I'm sure some of you are blushing because you did, in fact, go out and buy some extra bottled water, a few more cans of creamed corn, and a couple rolls of duct tape. And, hey, if you just happened to pick up some plastic wrap while you were out, what of it? Maybe you had extra leftovers that needed covering up. And, well, if it just so happened that the demons rose or anthrax was sprayed by way of pesticide planes all over your neighborhood, you'd have been all set to cover your windows up. Like that was gonna help. As though you could make your home completely air-tight in that situation.
Please. Jesus. I am ashamed of all the people in our country who bought into this bullshit. All the assholes who bought up all the bottled water so that I was left looking at a few fucking really expensive bottles of Evian to fucking change my fish's water can go fuck themselves. Try to be less stupid, people.
That said, if we'd had some kind of terrorist attack that didn't outright kill me while I was in my office near ground zero, I had a fucking plan. When Armageddon hit, or the fucking demons came out of the cracks in the ground, and the demon fumes/radiation/anthrax/mustard gas made it unsafe to go outside, I knew exactly what I would do. I saw my neighbors carting in all of their fucking disaster supplies on Wednesday, and I realized that I live in an apartment. If I can hear my neighbors fucking through the walls, they must not be that sturdy, right? So, in the spirit of every woman for herself, I would take my machete, hack through the wall, kill my neighbors and use their stuff. If things got desperate, we could play "Donner Party" and eat their bodies, too!
Think about it: there is no downside to this. We wouldn't have to leave the apartment, so we'd minimize our exposure to the demon fumes. We'd miss work, but we could sell the dead people's personal belongings. Also, Dirk has power tools, so if the neighbors next to us don't have enough life-saving supplies, what the hell? Take the jigsaw and cut our way into the upstairs neighbors' apartment. They have this fucking annoying kid that plays basketball on their living room floor until one of us goes upstairs to point out how irritating this is; that shit would stop immediately. The best part? When all of this is over, and the demon fumes are gone, I could just say the fucking terrorist/demons killed them and ate them. Everyone's happy, and my rent prices would probably go down.
Perhaps I'm not giving the government enough credit. This could, perhaps, have been an exciting new economic stimulus strategy. People sure bought a whole lot of duct tape. Their stock must have gone up.
So, next time this bullshit happens, think before you run out to the store and buy up all the goddamned bottled water. Your neighbor has the potential to be me, and living in a single-family home is no guarantee that you're safe. Shovels are damn cheap for the amount of survival value they offer.