Chapter 7: "Bimbeauxs of the world unite!"²²³ 

Insulated by "coat" of Cretin excrement Dä•Dä reaches snowcapped summit of Mt. Highandry—Exhausted by climb He falls asleep—Runoff caused by early Spring thaw carries Him from Mainstream's source to Swimming Hole #3—Gang of Urchins drag "halfdead Old Coot" safely to shore—Believing He is no "ordinary shipwrecked sailor" Hags nurse Dä•Dä back to health.

Difference in treatment received from Cretins & Morons convinces Him Moronia is ideal wasteland where wayward daughters can cool hot adolescent heels for next 2-300 years—Dispatched from Heaven Kÿz•Mëé & Læ•Mëé arrive with only dresses on backs but trunks filled with educational materials & paraphernalia to teach them socioal graces befitting adult Goddesses—But for weekly bath in Mainstream (chaperoned by Hags) they remain prisoners in special "escapeproof" hovel built by Morons to Dä•Dä's specifications.

News reaches subterranean lair of exArchangel Bä•Däz "Worst Enemies grounding virgin goddessettes in Moronia"—Assuming (phallic) shape of "Enchanted Watersnake" he hatches dastardly plot to waylay Kÿz•Mëé & Læ•Mëé on next bathday & trick them into committing unspeakable acts of sexual depravity with story he is once handsome but now bewitched Prince whose transformation into phallicshaped Watersnake can only be reversed when pair of beautiful maidens let him have his way with them—Revolted by "disgusting proposition" Kÿz•Mëé & Læ•Mëé turn "Enchanted Watersnake" down cold. Bä•Däz raises ante with offer "they can't refuse" of Paradise on Earth in kingdom far from Moronia when his man- & Princehood is regained—Whereupon aforementioned unspeakable acts are consummated (under water so chaperones remain oblivious to submarine shenanigans). Dä•Dä & Mä•Mä told of daughters' defilement by Bä•Däz himself as "sweet revenge for unjustified fall from grace"—Kÿz•Mëé & Læ•Mëé punished with: (a) Exile to top of dormant volcano (Old Smoky) whose steep sides make escape &/or rescue impossible, &; (b) Reconfiguration of genitalia to inflict excruciating pain on member virilis of any man (or beast) attempting to turn their solitary confinement into another ménage a trois.

Except for lack of male companions, geothermal factors make life atop Old Smoky Edenesque—Kÿz•Mëé plays Ådûmb to Læ•Mëé's Œfë with "less than totally satisfying results reproductive raison d'êtrewise"—Yearnings for motherhood become so irresistible they cause selffertilization of ova—This triumph of survival instinct over parental omnipotence produces new breed of parthenogenetic mutants now known as Bimbeauxs—Review of scientific evidence on issue of Klutz's "immaculate conception"—Author's conclusion that DNA tests on his (Klutz's) foreskin prove Massiah "as normal as any other Moron & little or no difference between normal Moron & average American.

[EDITORESS' NOTE: Because the pages originally devoted to this chapter were consumed by the excessive length of the author's lastminute addition of Appendix W (we agreed it would consist of no more than 750 words) the synopsis set out in this caption will have to suffice for ending a story whose pertinence was dubious to begin with. But, whether by accident or as another of those "miracles" without which this book couldn't have been written, that appendix turned out to be one of its—if not the—most entertaining and edifying digressions. If you haven't read Appendix  W yet, ladies, and are "still not 100% certain about what the author is driving at" I urge you to do so forthwith.  Especially that final footnote of mine which, I think you'll agree, sheds some much needed analytical light on some of those Morons Awake! motifs that remain murky even at this advanced stage in your efforts to fully understand them.—J. P.]

Book Two Chapter 8   Return to Index

Footnotes

223 After being interrupted (some might say "highjacked") by what will go down in the Annals of neoBaroque Literature as The Father Of All Footnotes for the way it erupted into a Vesuvian outpouring of seminal ruminations on my reasons for writing this most Revolutionary of Manifestos, we now resume our cursory examination of The Moronic Chronicles to determine if, as his mother claims, Jack F. Klutz was indeed conceived immaculately.  A question, you will recall, which, if it is answered in the affirmative wouldn't merely invalidate the Most Fundamental Principles of NeoEgalitarianism (ie., that all average Morons and/or  Americans, Germans, Frenchmen, etc. are born equally capable of raising their Klutzian IQs to a perfect 100) but make the writing—and the reading—of this WakeupCall a colossal exercise in futility!