April 2000

April 1-5 2000 Fri-wed

Well today is April fools day and what a fool she feels..maybe she is feeling sorry for herself..but misses donavin greatly...and as a Fool..makes a girl realize that a fool she was...the holiday is almost suitable for her day..then again..it should have been kajuralia shouldnt it..damn..lol..forgot about that day..the day where she can be in control of the Masters..but it was wise that she stayed away from Gor..for as the fool..it was her in control the whole time..she lead her relationship with Donavin..by controlling herself..rather then being in control.

As you can probably see she has been really behind with her daily entries and much has happened these past few days..possibly too much for even her own good..but a girl did make a list of things she wanted to say..and from each little thought stems out into a full conversation and topic...but here goes..and this should sum up 5 days...

On Sat April 1 which was april fools day..a girl was off from work at k-mart..and for the first time truly wanted to just go out and treat everyone including herself..truth is couldnt remember the last time she actually went shopping..and boy did she shop till she dropped..bought jewlery, more of those sexy chamise nightgowns..with that all too sexy feeling to them...bought some outfits..and really spent good money on her and her family..only problem is dont ask her why..as we were leaving the store..her grandmother..just flipped out...*sighs*..and it got her so upset..that she for the first time in her life cursed out her family..never before has she ever said fuck or any other foul word within there presence..but it was like all her emotions..all her feelings were built up and release with a big loud.."FUCK OFF" to her grandmother..her mother did slap her across the face for that..*sighs*..she deserved that...but after that..how did she felt..she felt confused hurt empty....it was like all the joy she had for that day...the happiness..was totally turned upside down to the point she was hysterical crying...and now wonders if she is crying because of her emtions and fighting with her granmother..or crying for the fact that she would get so low and say that to her family...but something good came out of it..although she didnt talk to her grandmother for over 4 days...but as she was in her hysterical fit..her mother for the first time in god knows how long wrapped her arms arond me and all a girl can do was cry...just remain in the comforting warmth..and cry...*sighs*...it is amazing how that simple warm comfort can provide so much..and how a simple hug can truly make a girl feel something which she never did..amazingly she always said..she rather spent an entire night just wrapped up in a lovers arms then anything else..call that vanilla if you will...but the way she has been feeling..and the uselessness of her..that is all she desires more then anything else.

WOrk has been getting more and more strenous and difficult but amazingly a girl is working out her time...she is managing it well..and truly able to enjoy both her online life..and real life as well..o0(well maybe her online life can use some major revisions..but she is staying away from the rooms if possible..) but she did have good news from work...on Sun..they had a contest..who can sell the most sneakers..actually had two of them...sneakers are dollar donations to the March of Dimes foundation...truthfully she thinks the MoD is full of shit...she begs for mercy for offending anyone..but she doesnt think that is a respectable organization...but she did win the contest twice..*smiles*..and got 200 k-note points..which is an employee rating system..which gets put on permanant file...as well as give the employee $10 cash card..woo hoo...special recogniction a girl is happy..

Ironically a girl has been meeting more and more Masters that just want to collar her...damn..she is totally at a lost with what is right and what is not...maybe it is true she is suffering from intense kajira envy..wanting so desparately to be the very thing she cant...all because she think it will make her feel desirable wanted, needed..however..those traits are not something portraying a false act will bring..will it?...but is it a false act?..true at times it is..but..why would she do this..why does she do it to others..and why most of all does she torment herself in such a way...see that is what she doesnt understand..when she truly gives all she got, and gives herself over to another person even if it is a completely stranger and gives them an excellent serve and a piece of her heart and body..makes her feel absolutly wonderful..filling her heart with a happiness and joy....however it is the times when she is in her self pity mode..that it seems the Masters want to save the damsel in distress..it is true she is pitying herself more now then ever..but seems other Masters want to take her case..and make her their own..she doesnt know what to do anymore..but is tired of choices...and just is going to accept any choices a Master makes for her..and its consequence..the only thing is..she is becomming the very thing she feared..a door mat slave.

you know she was thinking about light..thinking of her former self..and how she changed it is almost like tay, and light were two different people...light was always innocent, happy, a beaming bumbling bouncing joy who can light up a room and talk with an intelligent innocent..but now what has she become ...nothing but an old soul trapped in a young innocent body....guess this really has to do with what she read last night...she is helping a friend whom she truly holds dear within her life..in fact..she at times wishes he was her Master so badly..but that could never happen..nor is it possible now...but she is helping him with a site..and he wrote a small dedication to her..in fact figured he was..and in the back of her mind knew he was going to do so..just thought he would leave her to the end..even he thought of that..but to read what he said..she just broke down in tears...the tears flew down her cheeks..and she didnt know whether to slap him or hug him..but he is such a good friend...she has no idea how to repay him..but even in the act of repaying she is being selfish as well...she agreed to do his web designing with nothing in return sure at times it is a pain in the ass..she means considering she is busy as hell and to work on another site aside from this one...but in a selfish sense..she is getting so much out of it...wonders if she should tell him how selfish she is..or does he see it as selfishness?...what is she getting out of this doing this for him..getting to talk to a dear friend constantly..one whom she holds in such high reguards that she will never want to lose him too since she lost everything else in her life...2)she is gettin insider scoop on whats happening where..for you know something..she has totally banished herself completely from all..sad..considering she used to be the one everyone came to..now she is lucky if she even gets a hello at times..then again..who would want to talk to a depressed bitch as her?..3)she is staing out of the rooms..for if she stayed in the rooms..will get herself even more depressed and more angry and hurt...4)she is feeling wanted, useful..for you know something..she is totally useless..*sigsh*..she is absolutly nothing right now..in fact..she even read this and thought long and hard about it...what is a slave without a Master....nothing. 5)but most of all which she knows this is totally selfish..she is getting help for questions on her mind..and if you know how bad she is with her rhetorical questioning..knows it must drive him nuts..all this for the price of a web site..is it a good one?..she doesnt know..but all she knows is she hopes to god..that he takes a very long time with the web site..for she doesnt want too lose him too...lost everything..including herself.

yesturday she did fuck things up badly with Donavin..all she wanted to do was say a final goodbye to him..but he took it as a sign that she wanted to beg him again for the collar..she knows...she should have flat out said that she cant bear seeing your name anymore..cant bear seeing you pop online..just wants to detach herself..because if she cant be your slave..what good is being your friend..when all she does is cry when she is within your presence..sure that is probably building up more walls..of course she is..she is now even more of a cold bitch then she ever was..and no way is she even a slave..*sighs*..in fact she doesnt even know if she is a sub right now..dont know what she is..all she knows is she feels like and empty zombie just existing each day..and roaming around as nothing more then taking space...o0(geeze now you know why she is doing the web site for her dear friend..at least to see the masterpiece in progress..shows that her life has some meaning)

and to end it off..since she knows she has written much..but not enough..she was thinking of a sick thought..if she died who would go to her funeral...that is the funny thing can only think of 4 people who would attend and the sad thing is..if they did show up..that would be wrong...for then she died before her mother, father, grandmother and aunt...sad isnt it..and even if she did die..who here online would care..can only think of a few..think more would not believe it..but only a few would truly even care...*sighs*..well..think a girl has said enough and hopes to truly make this a daily ongoing entry

April 6 Thurs

well a new day..and boy was it a long one..YAWNS..has a girl totally exhausted..in fact..thought this day would never end. But well today..the very first customer she had of the day..cursed her out and told her that "You Fucking rip people off"..*sighs*..just what a girl needed in the morning going to work..a damn customer telling her that...geeze it is K-mart for christ sakes..not happy with the prices go some where else. Aside from that..it was mentally retarded day..ACKKKKK..she had to help one of the handicapp special person learn about bagging merchandise at a register..a girl has nothing against those who are handicapped..in fact..is trained and certified..and dealt with them many times..but..*sighs*...when you have a long line of customers..and a terrible day..the last thing one needs is a kid with down syndrome going through a fit because he cant get a bag opened..

Interesting enough a girl was thinking about herself as a submissive...she has the potential to lead dominate and take control of a situation completely..and at many times people are truly intimidated by her..but aside from that..she is also getting more and more subserviant..she knows that doesnt make sense..but she was thinking of her past jobs...always was the one serving...always the one who would work her hardest striving to please and make others happy..even now..she is working her ass off..doing two jobs..and still has time to work on a site..completely doing it for him...and she is getting so much out of it...but not at all does he see it as selfishness..maybe it is true..a girl really doesnt understand or accept herself..and looks down on herself too much..*shrugs*

April 7 (Fri)

good news..*smiles*..a girl got a raise..woo hoo..and turns out going to be a double raise..see they raised the starting salary for casheirs at k-mart..however a girl is already making more then that to begin with..and since they are raising all the entry level salaries up..they are raising her up as well..*smiles*..aside from that she has one more month then will get her 90 day review and raise for workign there..woo hoo..makes a girl happy...*smiles*.

Things have been rather well actually..*smiles*..she gained enough guts to put her picture on the web site..yikes..must be out of her mind...but..think things need to change in her life...its over for Donavin..although a girl loves him dearly...it cant be with the one whom a girl thought may be the one for her...and well..she has no one...is she going to let that get her down..sometimes it is hard..and brings her to tears..but..all in all..she is on her own..and as long as she doesnt dwell in her problems she will be fine..it is actually the stupid room stuff that makes a girl upset....so simple cure...she stays out of them..*smiles*

well honestly not really much to say..worked all day today..and well happy that she is being of help to her friend on his site...it is comming out beautiful..and is really proud at the work and accomplishment she is doing for it..*smiles*..all in all....everything is well..so going to leave it at that..*smiles*

April 8 Sat

Well at last a girl is relaxing..just got home from the gym..and well doesnt have to work at K-mart...woo hoo..*smiles*..She can admit she was hopping maybe to find more materials she can work on the web site within her mail..but can see that Master Knight didnt get up to it..no problem..she can work on other things..adding music, finding some cool backgrounds and various other things..*smiles*

She was thinking last thing about how cold a girl has been getting..and the question she has..is she getting cold..or is she just with the absolution of feelings..just yeilding to others whims..and overall not caring...but yet of course she is caring..it is like at this moment in her life..not only is she very emotional..she is also very distant...She is not going to run away again..but is staying away for a bit from the problems within the room..has her own soap opera dont need another one in her life...But a girl did have a very intellectual, philosophical discussion last night with a Master..whom just released his slave..she had no idea...but it is amazing how talking to one on that type of level brings out certain feelings within..for she had no idea he was upset..he had no idea she was upset..but by using our minds in an intensity of topics..we both ended the night off..in deep thought and contemplation.

as for her..really nothing much to say..work was good..no problems with the kids..the babies were great..and as always the time dragged like anything...but she talked to her co-worker..had a great conversation..and we talked about schoo and web designing..*giggles*..seems that is the only thing on a girls mind...

April 9 (Sun) and April 10 (Mon)

well she knew going to work would be a bad idea..and it was..*sighs*..she is sick as anything...and working just made it worst..she was pale, tired, exhausted..and felt dizzy and of course..sunday is our busiest shopping days of the week..they even had a girl go home an hour early because she looked so bad..but did work a full 7 hours before so..*sighs*

Amazingly she was talking to a certain Master last night..one who wishes for her to be his...*sighs*.honestly..really doesnt know what to say anymore. She sometimes wonders if the only reason Masters like her is because they pity her..then again..she realizes it is true..she craves the attention of being pittied..*sighs*..but a girl doesnt see it as pity..she is just being honest..for example if you ask her how is she doing today..what you just want her to say fine and leave it at that?..no she is sick, dizzy, tired, weak and feels terrible...anyway..to get back to this Master..what is it that she feels atracted to him for..why?

Do you know it took 8 days after the lost of AJ to find meet and beg the collar of Master Donavin..only 8 days..and in 2 months time..Donavin became her world..unfortunately was during a time when his and her world both crashed...so now she no longer has him...but with this other guy...can she truly beg him...damnit..she wanted him to just take her right then and there..was so hot, heated and excited..and ashamed to once again feel like that with someone else again..Damn..she even had to log off..and have some fun..o0(hope that isnt what caused her to get sick even more.. for now it is Mon..she is sick as anything..called in sick at work..and feels like total shit...*sighs*....feels like this is the beginning of her diary once again..she started out in Feb Sick..and now..well..is back..sick again.. *pouts*

she did get to see and talk to lori for a few mins..misses her greatly..*smiles*...and although it is hard..for she still has Donavin..she is still within his collar...tay told her..you may have lost a chain sister..you did not lose a friend...for tay turned her back on Donavin..no reason why tay should turn her back on lori..considering lori is innocent in all of this...and tay wonders if at times she blames herself...for even talking to her today..was almost like lori was disappointed that tay lost it..but..it was after all Donavin's choice..and tay made an even bigger choice..*sighs*..made it so that Donavin wouldnt want to take her back.

surprisingly even though she was sick did the unthinkable today..she pleased a Master in all ways...honestly cant remember the last time she alcoved one..been a long time..but this was just that a Master using her for his pleasure..which she hopes he did...for she felt empty afterwords..temporary satisfaction..then..blaughhh..but problem is she is still sick..and feeling worst every min...do hope a certain someone is online though..feel like truly curling up at the feet of one in particular getting to know him better..if not..then *sighs*..will just be another name on the list.

April 11 Tues

well once again a girl is taking off from work..and looks like a zombie..damn she woke up this morning took one look in the mirror..and was white as a ghost..her entire face was swollen as anything..her lips..were really big pouty and disgusting..geeze..she looks as bad as she sounds...however *sighs*..a girl has to go into work tonight...*shakes her head*..yeah..parents are really going to leave their little ones with a girl like me.

well she got an interesting message in ICQ this morning..*smiles*..from an old friend..and ironically he knew that she was talking about him in her diary..he even pointed out about Feb 11..*smiles*..but he said something which touched her heart..it is true..maybe she looks to a Master to sort out her problems rather then submitting..a Master is not a problem solver..although if problems do arise he can help..but it is indeed up to a girl to take those problems and accept them, fix them, and not dwell in the pain..Donavin told her the same thing..maybe she really does wish all her problems to go away with a Master..but she doesnt see it as that..just seems..that when she had a Master..problems would seem to fly her way..was it because she seeked those problems out..or just naturally they came all at once..honestly she really doesnt know..

Her problem now truly is something that other girls will kill for and that is a Master..here she has 10 Masters wanting to collar her so badly..and actually 2 she would like to wear their collar..but it seems it is almost futile in her efforts..she doesnt want to beg..for what if she makes the wrong descision once again..but that indeed is the consequence and price to pay for submitting is making that wrong choice....

that Master she had her eye on did pop into the room for a moment..and when tay went to go to him..she got the boot..and he logged off..*sighs*..wanted so badly to talk to him..problem was she was at another Masters furs..not pleasing just talking..just having a conversation..but she wonders if she should beg that Master for his collar..knows that she would once again have a "family" she so desparately desires..but to really go through a Master once again..maybe it is true her search will never be online..she will never find one whom she can go real life..so should just settle and accept what she has here..for she has much..and truly doesnt appreciate all she has..

well Damn her former Master..has to make a stupid issue with this name..*sighs*..he finds it a moral insult.that a girl now wears this name that he gave to her as a gift..she is a slave..he named her..when he uncollared her..she became a nameless slut..and remained the name she was given which unfortunatly was sleen_bait..damn it..you think a girl is going to roam around as sleen_bait..neither her nor her friends wanted to see her suffere and be tormented..for it was enough she had to wear that god awful name to begin with..but to have a Masters backing was acceptable..but to be uncollared..all they saw was a girl trying to gain pity..damn it..a girl tres to do everything right..and for once is not a poser..but still doesnt please them all...she is tay..and loves this name...yes he gave it to her..but she cant deny the person who she is today is the person he made her into ..whether he believes so or not..he had a profound effect on her..and for once he forgot about all the shit..putting him away from her mind..and he has to bring this up again...*shakes her head*..a girl was named..had the backing of a Master and a Mistress and all that was present in that room...whether he likes it or not..unless he claims her and takes her and renames her..a girl is a slave..what more can he take from her..took her life,,took her love..took her inner being..took everythin away from her..all because she couldnt give it to him..*sighs*..will say it now..in front of all..no matter what he says..for he threatened her anway..FUCK HIM.

April 12 Wed

*sighs* a girl really knows how to fuck things up...not only is it totally ruined with Master Amerault...god still loves him but hates him like anything..it is now ruined with her dear friends as well..she accused a friend of hers for telling Donavin what was said in pm..which caused Donavin to get so upset with her..and now well..she ruined it with her as well..god..why is it that at the time when a girl is most low..all this shit happens...and yes..she is still feeling physically sick..in fact is nauseus as anything..has no idea how she is going to go to work tonight..*sighs*..but is going to take it easy get some rest and go in...

as for the Master..well she was hopping to get to see him last night..and talk to him for a few..but..seems he had company..why is she looking so quickly for another Master..knows that is probably going to be a fault on her..but is almost as if she is desparate..maybe her friend was right her only reason she finds a Master is to take her problems away...but what about lonilness the feelings to be wanted, needed, used...the feelings she gets when she truly pleases one?

in fact..the web site she was working on with her other friend...she spent hours last night teaching him step by step..and now she taught him so well..he is doing wonderfully on his site..*smiles*..no longer will a girl probably be of use to him working on his site..which was only fair..since it is his site after all..and although she did a lot of the background work and editing..she selfishly pushed aside everything to soley please him..not only as a Master..but as her dearest and most trusted friend...and although she continues to lose so much..she can never bear to think to lose him as a friend as well..only problem is..what if it does happen?..and that is why this "meeting with him..which may be comming up..has her terrorfied..for she will truly become a reality to him..and he will become one to her...

just got back from work..ackk..bad idea..feels even more weak and drained..but at least a girl went to work with a smile...was in a Gor room..and had a talk with a good Master..who really brought a smile to her face...he calls her tay of the slave wine..*giggles*..that is her new nickname..*smiles*..well it is true if there was really a drink called slave wine a girl would probably puke her brains up..cant take any type of liquid medication she always threw up ever time..always has to have capsules..strange but true

April 13 (thurs)

Well today was an interesting day..worked 12 hours...and still sick..YUCk...was just tired, weak...drained...but at least work was slow this day at k-mart..*smiles*..even won the sneaker contest again today..sold the most in a designated time..and wone 100 extra k-notes..woo hoo..*smiles*..but working was tough..was tired..but no problems..and the people were nice...*smiles*

as for the gym..well..BUSY...she watched 15 kids..which is alot all alone..and had 5 babies under the age 1...and they were crying and crying and crying..she felt really bad that she is still sick to have an infant so close to her...but a girl has to do what she has to do..at least 2 of them fell asleep in her arms..*smiles*..what a pleasure it is to see something like that...guesses she is naturally good with kids..and it is times like that..she really loves and appreciates her job..that is why she works so hard because she never wanted to leave the job at the gym..so suffers working both jobs..and about 50-60 hours a week..just for the kids...plus the money as well..*giggles*

Last night an interesting thing happened although she was not feeling well..she was in a hyper mood..and felt in a sense teasing....she made a big gamble though..she did a serve in a Gorean room to the head Master...and well although she does respect the Master..she didnt serve in order to fur him..see that is the gamble a girl has to take..is..are her serves cross the line too much..that the Master would wish to fur her...ironically although a girl used to be a troll and furred anything that moved..she will be honest and say..that besides that Master the other night..which left her empty..she hasnt truly cybered in months..of course she did with DOnavin..and stuff..but honestly..to do a complete scene with a complete stranger..hasnt done it in a while..and to do so with one whom she resepcts..is almost..she doesnt know..almost like all would be lost..however..that is exactly what she is there for..to please the Masters...but she is glad he did nothing more then kiss a girl and stroke her hair...that little gesture met more to her..then ever.getting fucked over..because..*smiles*..to just know that she was pleasing..and to feel within her heart the beauty of a serve which she knows was well done and hte fact he didnt furr her..made her really happy...it would have ruined something if she did furr him..and interesting enough..she has spoke her mind about how she felt and feared she displeased him..because..he said..that even if she begged for his collar he wouldnt give it to her..and she thought that meant..she was no good.but it meant..he knows..she is a personal slave...not a normal tavern slut....*smiles*.

Fri and Sat April 14, 15

~lightly traces her fingers about the steel collar at her throat..~ if you asked a girl how she felt about this last night..she would have been on top of the world in happiness..finally thinking that what she did was right..finally accepting that a slave doesnt need to love her Master in order to serve..and accepting that she is a slave..however..what may have become a joy to her heart..turned out to be a prison of hell.....she begged the collar of Master Krayt knowing that she trusted, him as a friend, comforter, Master, friend...and that by being his...she would truly understand herself...although this is a cruel and twisted joke...he collars her...the disappears...*sighs*...he leaves a message in her icq that he will not be able to see her for some time...this is so fucked up..why did a girl take this..and give herself over to him?..should have never done so...but now she is looking for a way out of it..accepting it..for she is not running..but legally looking for the way out..for first off..1)if a Master is out of commission..is it not true his property now becomes owned by the state..and that includes his slaves?..2)it is rumored that he was killed openly by an assasin and numerious witness was there..she is researching this story to see if it is true....3)there is the three week rule she believes still in effect that if a Master abandons a slave girl..that automatically the collar comes off...*sighs*...a big mess is it not

a girl is going to try to talk to his FC too see what happens..and beg her for a release...honestly dont know what to do..just thought that by being collared once again would make her happy..never would have thought problems like this would happen..and damn him....he had to know about this..and he still persuaded her to agree to submit...damnit..should have maintain her stubborn ways..but that only proves one thing within her...that she can truly yeild to a Masters desire.

April 16 Sun

well today was a loooong day...busy too....should have known every sunday is a mad house at work..and these are the days she works long hours..*smiles*..but she is in a rather pleasant mood..the collar is off..she is spending good time with friends...although she does wish a certain Master would pop on..*pouts*..*smiles*..has to admit..she likes talking to him..but truly wonders can she get into a relationship again..seems she is always messing it up somehow.

anyway..she did some more shopping this day..bought herself some nice jewlery..some comfy slippers which she is wearing..*giggles*..aww they make her feet feel soo nice..*smiles*..and although it is midnight...she has a long day a head of her tommorrow..her cold on the other hand is still lingering on...felt terrible going in..was gagging like anything..but she has her ups and downs..and things are overall well..*smiles*.

not really to much to say for today..although a girl does have good news...she may be getting switched over to full time position at k-mart..needs the benifits..*smiles*..and slowly they are increasing more and more of her hours..woo hoo..cant wwait..*smiles*...

April 17 (mon)

well today was a good day..although she worked all day..and the store was dead as anything..she was commended..for a job well done..woo hoo..got more k-notes and is able to get $25 cash card..*smiles*..and all she did was throwbacks..which turned out to be a wreck..she had 15 carts of items which she sorted out..then to actually do the items.>YIKES..but her supervisor told her..that she kicked ass today..and gave her more k-notes..*smiles*..

aside from that..she met up with an old firned again..and just danced and remained within his arms online this evening..god she misses him so much..and think that is why he means so much is the fact..she once did have feelings for him..as well as..right now she has no one..and she knows he is probably going to read this again..but since it will be after the fact..damn...she is so fucking horney this evening it is not even funny..*giggles*..knows what she is going to do when she loggs off..*smiles*...ummmmm..mo comment..

April 18

blushes really wide with a smile...aww feeling bumbly wombly and warm all in side..*smiles*...now where does a girl begin there is sooo much to tell..*smiles*..well first off..she is no longer known as taylara_noviya..*smiles*..she is now Kissers_moonlight..o0(aww think she is going to cry with happiness)...for so long she hasnt felt worthy enough to wear that name again..for she felt she lost the light inside..even with Donavin...she could have easily went back to light..if it pleased him..but even with him...felt that all was gone...but now..*smiles*...that "old face from the past"..the one whom she has been talkign to..now that dear sweet lovable huggable is now her Master...she is now his *smiles*...ooooooo just gives a girl trembles throghout..smiles..she is sooo happy..doesnt even know how to express it...and yet her fear is..Master truly doesnt know how happy a girl is..for she felt she may have been kind of cold last night...then again..it was very late..and she had a long day at work..*smiles*...awwww..a girl is all bumbly this day..

does wonder how her friends and those she has been talking to will take it...she did have her eye on a certain Master..but you know something..for some reason she doesnt think it would work out.he is a wonderful bondage Master..whom is great to talk to..kind caring..but..she doesnt know....her heart is for her Master Kisser now..and she hopes that is where she will remain.

and as an aside..*smiles*..she is so glad she had the day off at K-mart today..although has to go to the gym in a few hours...because she had a very late night..and a happy one...*blushes*..Master gave her picturs of himself..which gave ag irl happy dreams..and the most powerful orgasm she hasnt had in a long time..WOO HOO..*smiles*....

April 19, 20 Wed and Thurs

*smiles*..well a girl is nothing but a bumbling happy joyful beaming girl..GOD..is she living in dream??..*smiles*..she must be...and she doesnt want to wake up.....Tuesday night..she got to talk to Master on the phone...*hold her hands to her heart letting out a big sigh with a smile*...a girl feels like she is in heaven..he is soo down to earth, happy, a great talker, a wonderful person..kind, caring loving...a girl cant stop talking about the positive..*smiles*..she is so stupid for not ever being his sooner..and yet..that is exactly what is going through her mind..is why her..why out of all the girls did he choose her to be his?..*smiles*..dont know..but i adore and love him...he is really special to me..*smiles*..thinking about him lingers on throughout my whole day..smiles.

speaking of days..well a girl is working.and working a lot..it is true that she is utterly exhausted right now...really tired..but..actually things have been well..*smiles*..it was a mad house today at k-mart..that they even told her too stay 2 more hours overtime....she is starting to get commission because she is such a good salesperson and can really sell service plans like anything..*smiles*..and well things are just wonderful..her raise was already in effect..and she did get a nice paycheck considering she took off 4 days being sick this week...her cold is fine though..*smiles*..although still a little nasally at times..she is great feels great..just exhausted.

*smiles*..spending time with Master is wonderful..she can admit she is a little selfish wants to spend all her time with him..wants to learn all about him...get to know him more...listen to anything he has to say..*smiles*..funny thing is that even talking about natural economy can provide a pleasant conversation with him..*giggles*...o0(wonders what will truly happen when we really start talking intimately..*shudders just thinking that..ummm..knows a girl is a bit curious..but..who knows)...she did get to do a special serve for him..in fact..actually wasnt even expecting to do a serve..we were in a room having a conversation about BDSM to a newbie..and out of no where he asked for lemonade..and looking at the time knowing the CF meeting was going to start soon a girl thought it wouldnt be the time..so he asked for a short one..and for the first time..she did a non Gorean serve..her serve..had nothing to do with Gor whatsoever..and although she thought it was good..wonders how it truly was...*smiles*..just serving him..was a treat for herself...to be able to do something as such from her heart...she knows...she would have never been able to do such a serve if it wasnt Gorean..but for him..*smiles*..well maybe a girl may be allowed to go all out...just do a two hour serve or something..*giggles*..long winded one..but full of life..who knows...*giggles*..awww she is just so happy *smiles*...and wishes he was on right now..but who knows..he may be on soon...*crosses fingers*..she hopes so.

April 22 Sat

Have to say the more and more a girl talks to Master the more drawn i am to him..*smiles*...We talked last night on the phone..*giggles softly*..how can i truly describe what happened..At first we were talking online and in the back of her mind she wanted to talk to him on the phone..but it was the fear she had that it wasnt what he wished. She thought it may have been selfhish of me. That is the last thing she wants in this relationship is to be in control..truly wants to learn to give it up completely. *smiles*..but asking if he wanted her to call him up and hearing the excitment as he shouted "I DO!!!!"..*giggles*..that just sent warm shivers throughout her ..so she called him up and got to hear his wonderful voice..*smiles*

It is so different talking to him compatred to when she called Donavin. Bruce wants her to call him up..To hear the excitment and joy within his vioce..makes her blush all bubbly within....*smiles*...See with Donavin..he once flat out told her over the phone.."why would i ever want to call you..you never gave me a reason to call you?"...he took her depression, her low self image and rather then helping her..he worked on it..feeding the negativity..no wonder our relationship turned rock bottom..and yet..all this time..she blamed herself...for the relationship...thinking it is all her fault...No wonder Donavins final words to her was that she should go to a batters womens shelter......i finally realized with him he brought me further into the pit of depression. But Master is much different..*smiles*...oh god..how can i explain what she feeels with him..*smiles*..Talking to him the good feelings linger on warming herself all day ensrouding her with a warm glow all day long with his love..*smiles*..

Well anyway last night talking to him hearing all he had to say..the time just seemed to fly by...We were talking on the phone for about 4 hours or so...*giggles*..but it was far worth it..especially for the thing she truly cant believe she did.. She finally gained enough guts to beg him..to help her with her little frustrating problem..*giggles with a soft blush*...geeze cant believe she wanted to ask him that so badly..*smiles*..but she did...The only thing is..*sighs*..she had a mild orgasm...She dropped the phone at the height of it...and well..it was a first time..she just hopes Master was pleased...wants to do so much for him..wants to please him so much..but well phoning..is a weak point for her...has to get used to it...*smiles*..however it did leave her feeling wonderful...lingering in the sensations...

In fact to hear him as her about her clothing if she was wearing any..then to order her "OFF!"..that one word..*shudders*..she just felt herself shake with excitment all over.....*smiles*...Damn..a girl is living in a dream world with Master..but she doesnt want to wake up...he makes her so happy...*smiles*..and that was the only reason she survived today..for she worked from 7am-11:00pm...all day..and thinking of him..as the lines were tremendous..for it was true..it was a crazy hectic day..customers were nuts..and a girl did one of hte highest gross profits she has ever done..her draw was filled with money...was unbelievable..but thinking about him..*smiles*..brightened her day..she just wishes he was on now..*sighs*..but no problem..a girl can have happy thoughts of him tonight.

April 23 Sun (Easter)

And a very happy easter to all..*smiles*...a girl was off from work..woo hoo..and is a beaming happy bouncing around little light..woo hoo...although Master wasnt on this evening..too bad..she is totally in a hyper mood..was spending some time in Gor..and was clicked by many for wearing her bunny name..*giggles*..but had a lot of fun..*smiles8..but all in all this day was well...

she went to a nice easter brunch with the family...and ate and ate and stuffed herself..geeze even now she is full..then she went shopping at her store..just what she needed to do..go to work and shop..*giggles*..but bought some nice things on sale...

the important thing was a girl was able to rest..needed the rest and so glad she did so..*smiles*. although *sighs*..this week is going to be a killer..that have a bunch of things going on..

April 24 Mon

wow..today was a LONGGGG Day...thought it would never end..and work was a nightmare...but she is home and relaxing..waiting desparately for Master..*smiles softly with a giggle*..she misses him so...feels like she has been forever with out him..although she just hasnt seen him since Fri...she knows..not that long..but still...misses him...

She has been thinking of Master all weekend..*smiles*..it was thinking of him..which really sent her through her day...because this weekend was a true nightmare..ackks..*smiles*..but she feels so at peace..although totally exhausted..she even bought herself a few things which made her think of Master...she bought a beautiful delicate star watch..*smiles*..it is silver and a clip on in the shape of a star..was hopping they had a moon..but a star will do..she did on the other hand..buy a beautiful candle holder coverend with stars and moons on it..*smiles*...these little nice additions make her room all the more pleasant..

well there really isnt anything more to say..although she does misses Master..ooo..does have to mention something though..while on the phone with Master..he did bring up talking to AJ..honestly a girl doesnt think she can bring herself up to talking to him once again...she spent too much of her life..to try to reunite the bonds again..although while she was going through her files..ironically she did find the last night she spent with AJ..the very last night..*sighs*..it is sad..but..she moved on...and it is best that she doesnt talk to him...but hopefully he would read this..and know that a girl is doing well....

April 25 Tues

well today a girl feels like she reached bottom..is slightly lost and confused..for now she knows she is totally breaking up from Gor..it is like today is the mark where she is truly ostrizised from the philosophy she so dearly holds...even that was ripped from her..*sighs*..and damn she wishes Master was here..wants to just do so much for him..feels kind of guilty over what happened last night..just wanted to please him so much..he was so hard..and a girl was just so excited..*giggles softly*..o0(she knows..thinking of him really changes her mood)

but she truly wishes she was able to talk to him tonight..wanted to please him tonight..just letting her explor and ease him in a cool calming manner...oh what she wouldnt give to just take some warm massaging oil bathing him with a mixture of her healing hands, her tongue and her warm nakid body..*sighs*..damn it..just wants to rip her silks off now and beg at his feet...see this is going to be a problem in the future she knows it..for there are times like these she just wishes to be a slave..be treated as a slave...*sighs softly*..

it is truly over for her..no longer is she welcomed in Gor..no longer is she welcomed within the meadow..it is almost like everything that was dear to her..is just ripped away....DAMNIT just wanted to be with Master..she knows..she is being selfish...*smiles*..well maybe a girl will just logg off..snuggle up within her warm blankets..totally nakid and yeilding to his whim...

April 26 Wed

Wow where does a girl begin?. It is so obvious she was upset and lost last evening..and feeling sorry for herself. Guess it is indeed true she fully broke away from Gor totally breaking all ties and yet yesturday she was so upset..but how is she feeling today??

Interesting enough she is actually in a pleasant mood..*giggles*..in fact everyone at work wanted to know what kind of drugs she was taking that made her so bumbly and happy. Thinking about it now..she really doesnt know why she is happy..*smiles*

~traces her fingers across her velvety smooth collar focusing on the intricant patter of the Ankh etched in within the softness~...she made her choice..*smiles*..and prays to god she can make him happy..She could have had a choice of so many Masters who wanted her for nothing more then her body and to showcase her talents...*sighs*..is that all she is good for to be a serving wench their???..well anyway..she chose her dear Master..and loves him for all her heart..for not only does he lift my spirits, brings me up when i am down..he just has a way of him..where the time just flies by...and to hear his happiness it just makes her filled with such warming love.

You know last night she woke up at 4am crying my eyes out..Just waking up clutching my pillow with tears in her eyes...yes she was nakid that evening and the sensations where just awakening her within...but what did a girl do..Gazed at herself in the mirror..nakid vunerable and exposed..and the image of what she did long ago flooded her mind..to have to look in the mirror to drone out the words I am a slave girl..i just wanted to smash the mirror to smitherines....her face was blotchy her eyes were blood shot...why did a girl choose to let Gor hurt her once again. What is she proving to herself to constatly going back..constantly wanting to go back?...She thought about it..and her answer is..she wants to believe that all the pain, brainwashing, hurt that Gor caused her is not true..She wanted somehow to believe that the Gorean philosophy can be truly united in onces life..making it whole....She wanted so much to prove to herself that by going back..but that online is impossible..it is all a game to them..a fantasy game..*sighs*..so a girl will continue to do what she does..and unite the two together within her real life and forget the online crap.

The only thing she wonders is how Master is going to take this??..For some reason almost feels shame for acting this way..and almost regrets at times him reading her diary..but no..it is better he does..for he truly gets to know more of what makes me tick..as well as what is going through her mind when not with him. But she cant deny all she wants to do is run into his arms..just holding, kissing and loving him all night long..she wants to do somehting so special for him..and just forget about Gor..but has a feeling this isnt going to be the case..well a girl will just wait and see what happens....but..*smiles*..her mind is keeping active with the sweet thoughts of special things she can do for him..

April 27 thurs

well a girl should have known..she was right..our topic last night started on the wrong foot about gor..*sighs*..in fact..even before holding her, comforting her, kissing her, loving her..we were practically fighting about gor..damnit..she is just so frustrated about it...just wants to leave gor be..and is going to have a long talk with the Master of that room..then Gor for her..for now...is finished.

she realized something as well last night..she is topping from the bottom even in this relationship..and had an interesting talk with her mother this morning..and was shocked at what she said to her...She told her mother..that she just wishes for Master to have a little more control..is that so hard to ask....you know what she said to me..which i am shock..and proves that somehow her mother actually likes him..but she said to me...."why are you trying to change him?..you have something special with him..dont try to make him abuse you?"...abuse me?..is that what i am looking for abuse..Donavin said the same thing for her..then again her mother sees any BDSM activity as abuse..*sighs*...is it too much just to ask for a little more control in her life..maybe it is just her..but feels she is doing nothing for her Master..and is striving to do anything for him..but then again that is just it..she is blinded by the fact she has to be a "slave" that she is ignoring the fact that he is happy just the way she is..that he is happy with ehr company..that he is happy with her being melanie...but that is a hard lesson she does need to know..and maybe Master is right..he has a lot of de-brainwashing to do to her...seems things were imbedded in..that is wrong...

well hopefully a girl will get to see him tonight..*smiles softly*..would like to truly spend time with him...and plus..get to know the Slave acution better..seems she is not welcomed there at all..*shrugs*

April 29 Sat

i truly wonder if i will ever get a true nights sleep..*sighs*..not that i am upset or not..in fact..i am in a pleasant mood..feel a little guilty though..played hookie from work today..i just wasnt in the mood to work 15 hours straight considering have to do it the next few days..ackk..just needed some rest...but..~looks to the time~..only do have an hour to write this for a girl is going to her other job at k-mart..o0(think she works too much)...well anyway..last night once again she woke up with restlessness..but rather then me waking up at strictly 4am..i was fortunate to watch the clock read..2:30....4:00....5:55...7:15....7:30.....10:00..and finally by 11:30 just woke up and stayed up..geeeze...the sick thing is what is on my mind..GOR...*sighs*..the more a girl tries to stay away the more it is on her mind..she must be addicted to that place and never knew it. Well yes she knew it..i knew it was the disease that infected my soul completely..but this is getting rediculous..needs sleep...works too much not too be sleeping.

well she did get to see Master last night..*smiles*..that was very nice..he always puts a smile on her face..but i had to ruin it by talking about gor..yikes...but..you know something..i truly do wonder what makes a gorean serve a gorean serve..because i will admit i have a certain serving style and i stick with it..and well..that style..i am totally doing the opposite of..and i dont know if my serves can be my serves. She served out of cocunuts last night..*giggles*.ummm ingenious idea..but she though she was serving a refreshing iced tea..and was going to add some exotic fruits to spruce it up a bit..lol..turns out was serving hot tea when Master built up the fire...*blushes with a shrug*.

surprisingly she is meeting faces from the past..those whom she frequently talked to..but broke her ties when returning back to Gor..wonder if Master noticed the difference when she acknowledged herself as formally tay to one person..and then formally little moonbeam of light..*giggles*..sort of shows the difference between those she knew as light and those she knew as tay..speaking of tay..yikes for the first time within Masters presence..dont ask her why..she called herself that...god..wanted to cringe completely at her mistake...Master had me repeat the question a few times..changing it to i..as well as my proper name..well..she realzing one thing..Master is starting to take more control of her..dont know whether a girl should smile on that one..or fear it..

And Finally a girl gets to send Master a letter..why does that seem like it is going to be the hardest thing for her..especially to send a pic along with it...i mean..i dont take pictures of myself..dont want to be in pictures..very rarely am i ever in pictures..ususally i am the one holding the camera..for i just dont want to see the final end result of the printed picture..but..will send him one..pluse a nice letter..just have no idea what i am going to say..*smiles*

Actually was going to leave this at that..but in less then 20 mins..got a message in email that just makes a girl pissed..*sighs*..seems everyone is inviting taylara_noviya_HG to there clubs..why tay..tay hasnt showed her face online in over 3 months..*sighs*..and to top it all off...since she wrote to each and ever Master MIstress..begging them to resend an invite to a girl who is now known as Master kissers..the proper name..rather then a name she is denounced as....they throw a pissy fit that it she was tay...well guess what....she was more then just tay..she was also calanya...leorah....ari...damn it..she had so many Gorean names because a girl was denied the right to even have her own name..and they have the nerve to deem them all different..*sighs*..i am me...i was calanya..i was leorah..i was ari..i was little moonbeam of light..i was sleen bait..i was just a slave..i was taylara noviya...i was nameless...i was all those things..who am i now..i am melanie..melanie..who is all those things and more..*sighs*..o0(ok..a girl has to go to work..is not upset..jsut frustrated..have to stop this Gor crap completely for it is messing me up even more now then ever..and i should just deleate myself from every damn club just so i dont continue on with this torment)...but i cant even do that.

well..knows after a full day working..a girls attidude will be 10X different..for some strange reason goes to work and things about Master..and the good things..plus who knows..could be all the tobacco and cigar products that give a girl a natural high..*giggles*..she is usually the one doing the cigarette counter..well..ok..time for work..and time to rid myself of Gor completely..*sighs*..o0(just wishes for one comfortable nights rest)

April 30 Sun

it is kind of funny..i woke up happy, bumbly..ready to write in this diary..of how pleasant a girl felt..ready to take on a new day and go to work all happy go lucky..how wrong she was..*sighs*..rather then that..found her old Master..the one whom abandoned a girl...facing him..i have to admit was the hardest thing for me..in fact dont know how to feel..but he just left me in tears...dont know what to believe..but was it tears over him..no..was crying over myself..and what i did..and the mistakes i made..well i shed my tears and talked to him...at least i can truly trust him knowing he would never betray my confindence..nor would he ever try to reclaim me..for he knows i am happy with Master..*smiles*

ahhh yes Master..*smiles*..thinking about him makes me really happy...and at peace..she finally got enough guts to write him a letter..and send him a pic..its sitting on top of her desk just waiting to be mailed..the only thing a girl is thinking of is..whether she should just mail it..or ripp it to shreads re-writing a new letter..ummm..no she is not going to do that..but had no idea what to say to him.

as for Gor..things are pissing me off even more..*sighs*.should totally stay away from it completely..not read the boards..not contact anyone..and just erase all the Gorean people from a girls friends list..totally banishing herself completely from that place...god..i must be going through withdrawals..*sighs*

well work was interesting today..dont know why had a bloody nose all day..was disgusting..had to carry around a box of tissues..for hardened crusts of bloody snot..just kept flying out of my nose..*giggles*...o0(now is that not the most disgusting image to think about)...but it is true..and is worried..wonders if it is a sinus infection..stress...or the fact she works with cigarettes all day...or maybe just the dust in the place..k-mart is filthy..YUCK....but today was a long day..tiring too..

good thing about it was went shopping and got a hold of all sweat pants and sweat shirts good cotton material..for only 50 cents each..*giggles*..she made a bargain..was so excited..*smiles*...had ths softlines manager hook her up..and BAM..big savings..so now she has about 30 pairs of sweat shirts and pants in various colors..to lounge around in..ok..so it is summer..but still nights are cold..and great to hang out in.

all in all..things are going well..she just has to keep her mind on her Master...stay strong about Gor...not go in the chat realms..and just be herself...and have all the fun in the world..*giggles softly*...ummm..she has been really experimenting and having fun with her body..*blushes*..has to tell Master about it..hopes to see him soon.

one final thing being this is the last day of this month..As you can see this has been one of the most trying months for her..a lot of mixed emotions, mixed feelings..and what seemed like a road to depression/emotional breakdown....but now with Master..she hopes she can grow, learn, and be guided out of it...truly being the light..for he brings so much light, love and happiness back into my life..that i love him dearly...*smiles*..

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