A Love that Can't Be (with Former Master)

No matter how many times i tell myself i am doing things for the better..i know in my heart i am not..sure was always happy with you..just to be with you fills my world up with joy happiness and love. But..where is that going to get us?,,,you are married, have kids, you may not be happy..but you have someone. as for me....i dont have to tell you what i am..lonely, lost, and confused. And most of all trying to find myself.
You once said to me be true to myself. So the truth is i am going to say it whether you agree so or not...I am a slave to one and only one. i am not a kajira..one who serves all..but i am a slave. and to you..was a love slave completely and totally..but..you said that i am too much free-willed, on my own..and you know something you are absolutly right..i am..and the only reason i was..is because..i was allowed to be. I am not fighting here, blaming you, or blaming myself..but i am going to state the facts..i needed more control..always did..and in a sense..that is why i kept going partially back to gor..because i needed that balance..of extreme slavery (gor)..to the balance of the freedoms in BDSM..because i am not a kajira..i am not a sub..i am me..melanie..who loves you dearly.
I am not saying that it is wrong to love, that what we had was wrong..but you know..we cant remain the way we been going..it just cant be Master...we have no future together..no matter how much i would just love to meet you..just once..even if it is for coffee and a nice hello. And honestly..if you ever do decide to leave your wife..which i know you wont even if you wanted to..you would be too guilty to do anything else...i dont know..i just think that if you truly decide to make that kind of transition in your life..which will effect your life for the rest of your..as well as your kids, and your wife..i just dont know how you will deal with it.you would need to get your life back together again.
But will give you a word of advice if i may...you cant lead the life of your kids..and if your marriage is really unhappy...staying together...does that prove to your kids what a healthy marriage is?....staying will ruin them..leaving will ruin them...question is..what are you going to do about yourself..for remember..in 10 years or so..your kids are gone..they will lead there own life.
..i am going to throw back your own words back to you..Be true to yourself Master.....
ok..enough of that..for i am not putting this on you and dont ever want you to think i am..and hope you are not blamining me. But Master..i need to get away..is it not best to break it now..we brokd it off a few weeks ago..and honestly breaking it off i lost more then just a name, a collar, and you...i lost myself completely..and in a search for finding myself....i tried the past 4 weeks to find it in the BDSM rooms..but found nothing but even more misery..and hate ...being that i wanted to start all over again...but Master ..there are demons from the past which plagues my soul now more then ever.. and finding myself is in Gor..cant find a Master till i find myself...and honestly..not going to rush anything..i think the best thing for me to do is wait till i am ready then join every damn club, scene dungeon..organization i can...probably the best for me..for i have to get my life back together...and need to do it quickly for i am killing myself emotionally as well as physically..sigh...i now gained more weight then i ever did...i look terrible...i am constantly crying up a storm...and worst of all grey hair is constantly popping up..sighs
I am being true to myself Master..i am taking back everything i lost..and going to try to get back my life...
The only thing i want to say Master..to conclude this letter..is a Thank you..in fact that doesnt even cover the thanks i have for you..in this year you taught me something that i will never forget in my life. You helped me bring out feelings that i have never felt before awakening a cold spirit deep within..and lighting it up with a pasionate loving fire. I have never loved anyone as much as i did you..and it was through you that i was able to feel, experience, enjoy..and not be ashamed of the feelings i have. You have taught me to appreciate what a persons body can do for them the excitement that they can get completely. you have given me the light in my life...although that light is now still gone..and going to try to find it again..the memories of what we had i will never forget as long as i live. Those memories of you will always be in my mind.
Most of all Master..as i clutch on to your picture at times..reading the letter that in your own hand writing wrote to me..i will always remember..that i love you with all of my heart and you bring joy and happiness to my world.. I love you..and in my heart you will always be my Master..and only hopes you can forgive me for everything Master...
there is so much i wish to write..for i feel that closing this letter..will be the end forever..but in a sense it is...so as you are going to be strong for the both of us....i will to...Master..you dont have to run away from yahell..i am giving you the choice...for i will not contact you if you come on...but if you truly wish to speak to me..i am here..and will always be here. So if you find that you wish to go into the rooms when you are on...please do if that would make you happy..for i dont want to deny you of any more happiness then i did already...
I love you Master..and some where i will always be on..just pm me
Wishes you well..have a wonderful day..and good luck on your journies..know that i love you my deartest Master..and only wish for you to be happy in your heart.
As a note this was written November 22, 1999. ironically two days before a girl met her Master..smiles...times have changed, as she had change..but she shares this with all to show the transition of how people do indeed change.

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