December 2000

December 5 Tuesday

She knows it has been a while since she has written in her diary. At times doesn't know what to say, doesn't have the feeling to write, or is just plain speechless. Today is probably one of those days, not that she is speechless, but is wondering exactly what she wants to say. Currently it is 12 noon, and she just spent the past 4 hours cleaning this room. Has to admit she did a beautiful job and is proud of herself. Her room was a mess, well this is the basement main room she is talking about. Her bed room is entirely another story. 4 hours to clean this room, unbelievable, but it is truly spotless. Never realized what a pig she truly was on the terms of cleanliness, but it wasnt that she didn't know where anything was, because even in the chaos she knew what she had, it was just a cluttered chaos.

What makes it kind of interesting was that she cleaned her room with one thing in mind. Master. It wasnt an assigment, requirement, or anything as such, but in her mind she was thinking, would he ever be proud knowing the way this one keeps her room? Plus it was great motivation to think about that. Got her to clean it, now she has to keep it up.

Ok she knows she is rambling, a lot has happened the past few days. She did get to see Master this weekend, was an interesting day, yet very confusing. Left her with a lot of things she was worried about. It was true that most of it had a lot to do with esteem, passive agressive actions and fear, but she is just glad that her confusion was sorted out and discussed last evening. Leaving him the way she did, she felt terrible, good, maybe that is why she woke up at 6am in the morning with she was in the middle of the train station crying her eyes out, although had plenty of time to catch her train, but just didnt feel right leaving as such, even tried calling up, may have been a bad idea at the time, but now feels it was settled internally. She called him up the next day and we discussed the evening in detail. But she does feel much better. In fact she feels really the only desire on her mind to clean. Well not going to overwork herself out, but has one room down, now if she can get everything else done. Not today though, save it for another day.

Work has been good, no complaints, today is her day off, that is why she is able to clean. It is very easy though. Her job is great but now she has to start focusing on making refferals. Not easy for her. She is always promoting products and talking to the customers about various accounts and services we offer, but they never follow through with it. Why does she bother? well she has to it is part of her job, but she gives them brochers, packets, information, and her little card, but they never go to the desk and follow through. No fair.

While she was cleaning she did stumble across a few things. She found old letters, old entries, things she wrote out on paper, but never typed up, or sent out. Random thoughts locked on a piece of paper that has never been seen by anyone else but herself. Kind of sad, she was reading some of the things she wrote to her former Masters, can't even believe it was her. Not going to get lost in the past now, but she also found her college notes on asian religion. That brought a big smile to her face. Ironically she was scanning through her notes, most of the stuff she completely blacked out from her mind. All these notes on the various forms of asian religions and she knows she LOVED that class. Has great respect admiration and love for those religions, but at the same time she blocked it out of her mind. Its as if she never even took the class. Anyway she was scanning through her notes, and does hae to admit she was triggered by a few things. She has a list of 12 ideals in the Buddhist religion known as the "chain or wheel of becomming". Tanha being a thirst or craving, immediately came to mind. Tanha a woman offering a drink to the seated man (taken from Edward J Thomas history of buddhist thought.) No she is not talking about waitressing, but serving. See this is where it gets a little shaky in her mind. Yesturday while in Gor, had a very big debate, umm ok fight, on the issue of serving. Did cause a girl to get asked to leave the room, but, she kept her respect and honor, but the issue of "serving" as in waitressing is one that she really has doubts about. Right away Mushashi comes to mind in this issue, *shrugs* maybe a girl has her facts a little confused with the definition, but just reviewing her notes, but her point is when she served drinks online, it used to be something to be proud of something so special, an artform a way to express herself, gain attention be the center of attention and give a little tease to the Masters. That was then. Now she dreads serving and flat out refuses to serve through an online medium. She sees it pointless, is uncomfortable with any type of serving to any Master, plus it is an insult in her mind to her Master. Gor doesnt see it that way. It is the duty of a girl to serve and please ALL men, collared or not. That is the duty of a slave. Her point was that is the duty of a "tavern slave". She is a slave, but not a "tavern slut" if asked to serve she can and will, but a girl is in no way going to beg to serve any Master. and refuses to even ask. That brought much uproar in that room. Anyway, for her serving online is stupid, but to translate that to real life is so different. When she serves Master a simple drink, its kind of hard. Because it no longer is just handing him a drink. It is not "here you go" type of deal. Translating it real life, the entire process is a serve from the minute details. Actually she is really getting confused at what she is trying to say, point is though when she serves real life a drink, that simple task, can be something that can turn into an act of devotion and submission, depending on how it is done. Online, that holds true as well, but she just completely lost the feeling to serve. Hasnt served anyone, and refuses to do so. But serving real life, ok she completely lost site of what she is trying to say. Its just so different. The thing that just really upsets her is gor sees slavery as the only thing a slave must do is serve drinks, what about "SERVING" there is more to serving then just drinks. She even said during this debate that the use of this girl is to pleasure and delight the masters senses through intellectual talks, comforting chat, and refreshing ideals, the other tavern sluts can fill the Master's bellies. *cringes* That alone shows probably why she was kicked out.

She will never understand her problems with Gor. Not talking about online only but real life. Yes she craves Gor big time. Master knows this and well he even mentioned to her, that she cant deny it but Gor is a big part of her life. At times she doesn't want to admit it, but it is true. She craves those times when Master treats her harsher, sterner, stricter, especially as property. Knowing that she is His, and he can do as he wishes to her, with her. She seems to crave that, but then again she also craves the gentleness. She craves being stroked gently with his wonderous hands, having him brush her hair, or play with each soft tendril, just being wrapped in his arms. It is that duality between the harshness and the gentleness. At the same time though it is that duality which confuses her. Three people said to her that it is not all about sex and domination. She seems to have made it so. Master even said to her that there can be "quality" time together, isnt all about Domination. Well that confused the hell out of her completely. Then again it is her confusion. We started this relationship on the premise of no boyfriend no girlfriend issue. Yet in her mind that "quailty" time was b/f g/f stuff, but it really isn't, is it? Think that is what her problem is, puts her at a major disadvantage being her experience with relationships have not been a good one. Is completely confused at what to do.

She realizes something. She completely lost focus. Master pointed this out to her yesturday. She said that it is easier for her to write things out because she can truly say what she feels inside, and is able to express herself better. He said that writing causes her to go all around in circles, and yet it is absolutely true. She goes on for pages and pages on end of her ramblings, to the point where she even loses site of what she is talking about. As she did in this entry. Plus looking at the length of this entry alone thinking it is time to stop, not making any sense anyway. *giggles*

Wed December 6

Well she is in a happy-go-lucky bumbly mood this evening, although will admit she is exhausted. *giggles* First off it was a really long day at the bank today. The computer system was completely off line and it is such a hassle to be working in such a way. No balances can be seen, certain transactions cant be done, it is just one big mess. We were even supposed to have a meeting today from the big wigs on making effective referals to our clients being our branch has one of the lowest ratings when it comes to referals, what do you expect our branch is slow as anything. That meeting was cancelled because of all the offline delays, even this one had to shut down for an hour and a half, because we were using her computer as the main line for the support team to try to reboot the connection, didnt work. *shakes head* Getting tired of computer problems, has even been having trouble with this computer as well. Keeps booting her out. But at least the day is over.

On the brighter side, *smiles* this was an interesting story, a guy came in with about $1000 in all half-dollars, silver dollars, ect. IT was a gold mine, has never seen so many coins like that. Unfortunately was really broke so couldnt swap for her personal collection although did take her last $2 from her wallet and bought herself a bicentenial silver dollar, a bicentenial half dollar, and a silver half dollar, couldnt belive it. Has never seen a bicentenial dollar before. It was so cool. Definately had to add it to her growing coin collection. Not that she really has any plans for it, but to keep some of the rare things to herself is a wonderful thing. If anything she believes the most valuable thing in her collection is an 1887 indian head penny. Other then that most of it is half dollars, silver coins.

Well technically she is broke, but GOOD NEWS, which truly has her flipping for joy. See its that time of year, christmas giving sharing, getting gifts, well, with a recent look at the way this girls finances are, and the bills that sort of piled up a little too quickly this month, she was seriously worried. She was figuring out what bills can she hold off till next month and figuring out which bills she just won't pay, Sure that is a terrible way to do her bills, but well, her credit was completely destroyed because of that stupid loan trouble and it is still biting her in the ass. Forebarence was denied, but she is going to be able to catch up on that, anyway, she felt really bad because she knew she couldnt get anyone anything for christmas. Even had plans on getting Master a special gift, but things got really tough, and she felt terrible about it. BUT good news :). Her mother was a little depressed and upset as well, because a loan she needed from her 401K was denied all because of $3 too much so now she has to redo the entire packet ect and wait a few weeks, so usually mommy has an interesting philosophy, when you broke what the hell spend what you got and enjoy yourself. *giggles* umm this one knows that is a terrible way of doing things too, but well, if in good spirits and have a good time and money is tight as it is, might as well enjoy it. So she took this one out last night. Went to the bowling alley, playing some games, and playing some quick draw numbers. well this one usually plays very specific numbers which coincide with certain key events and dates. Those numbers being 6, 16, 18, 37, and 63. She always plays those numbers. Well we were both sitting in the bar, having some drinks, watching the screen and well we spend a little too much on the tickets, but was just enjoying ourselves and truly talking, when the very last game. She won nothing in all 20 games, this one won $26 dollars which really was no big deal, but on the very last game. ALL 5 numbers came out. THis one was estatic. That's $300! BUT because we played the extra what happens is that money can be multiplied by a certain ammount, luck of the draw, can either by multiplied just once or all the way up to 10 times the ammount. Well, we watched the screen with so much excitement and anticipation for what the secret number would be..and BAM!!! 3 times popped up. Her $300 dollar ticket turned into a $900 winning ticket. Her mother and this one just both looked at each other SCREAMED and gave a big hug. *giggles* some ass hole in the bar did scream out free drinks on her and pointed to me. NO she didnt buy anyone a damn drink. but $900 dollars. You have no idea how exciting and what a perfect time this has come. Now it is most certainly going to be a very merry happy christmas. A girl is fair though. She is agreeing to give her mother $400 to catch up with the bills, that leaves this one with $500, perfect to pay off that loan which is a few months behind, catch up on credit card bills, and buy tickets to a broadway show for her mother and self, and of course to buy a special little something for Master. Well she knows $500 is definately not going to cover all that however she does get paid next week, it helps the pocket a great deal :). It is just really so exciting. Now the only downside to it is, well they only allow you to cash in $600 dollars in the place which means this one either has to mail it in or go to headquaters to cash it in. Seems like next week on her day off she is going to take a nice long drive across the island just to get the money. It truly is a blessing though, *smiles* She is soo happy.

Thursday December 7, 2000

This has most certainly been a week of reflection for her, not too sure exactly if it has any specific meaning, but a girl is seeking out to understand a great many things. She noticed something which really has her thinking. She has been rereading the "Story of O" by Pauline Reage, it has been about 2 years since she read it, knew she thought it was rather boring the first time she read it. However in rereading it now she noticed a few things. SHe usually never highlights anything in books unless it is something that stands out. She highlighted 3 sentances in that book. And even now thinking about it in dept, it is kind of shocking. In the scene with Sir Stephen, he said to O, "You're confusing love and obedience, You'll obey me without loving me, and without my loving you." two years or so ago she made a note of that line, now it sticks out even more so. Obeying without loving. It is a hard concept, then again a girl does have problems with obeying at times. Not that she purposely, well, ok not going to get into that, point is, is love a driving force for obedience? Does it have to be? She obeyed Mushashi that night, had no feelings for him what so ever, but did so, then again the one person she does have feelings for, she has trouble obeying. Kind of depressing to think about it in such a way, but she hopes she is learning to obey, at least she thinks she is. She brings this up because well think a girl may be spending too much time in Gor, spent a great deal of yesturday just talking. Talking about her gorean nature, the ideals and philosophy of Gor, and particularly why the hell Gor is so important to a girl. Was she able to understand anything more? Not really but it is making her come to a realization of many issues.

So she obeys anyone her Master wishes her to obey, and will do so, even if he chooses to give her over to others. Maybe it is within her a sick perversion, the desire to truly feel owned, to the point that giving her over to others reinforces the idea that she is owned, and is owned by him. But then again, this goes back to herself putting her own chains on a girl. Only in bondage does a girl truly feel free, but if bound by a girls own will is that bondage?

She knows this is a reflective, philosophical entry today but there was two other quotes she took note of and even has to think about now. In the book O talks about loving Rene, and in the solitude of her own room she said to herself "i Love you, do whatever you want with me, but don't leave me, for god's sake don't leave me" She truly feels like she is the one who said those words. How can a mere piece of literature be so true to this girls life? She feels like those are the words she has said to her Master, because the truth is, those are the words she said to him. To be on the phone with him, and listening to him on the verge of being released. To know and hear the thought of him at the point of release, *shakes head* How can she ever get to that point. She sabatoging the relationship, now she is trying to regain everything back and is hopping she is succeeding feels like she is, but she truly doesnt know what she would do without him. What would a girl truly be like alone?

The last and final quote she underlined and bear in mind this was 3 years ago or so, not exactly too sure, but was a while ago, but the last line was. "Those who love God, and by Him are abandoned in the dark of night, are guilty because they are abandoned" Its that abandonment, guilt, love issue, which plagues this girl so much. It is just strange that even then she had these problems, but now seems to be comming full circle. Yes a girl feels very guilty at times, but she abandoned god, he never abandoned her, she abandoned the Godess, she abandoned organized religion. She is guilty and she failed. Wiccan, asian religions, any type of religion a girl was ever trying to fully embrace she left, the shame, the fear the guilt, she abandoned them. That was a spiritual abandonment, can she ever last through a physical abandonment?

She was thinking in a sick way, she has never truly been abandoned, yet she always was. Her first boyfriend, died, every Master she ever had, left her, except for 2 whom she choose to leave, but other then that, she has never had anyone die on her, sure her pets, her cat, her loveable animals which she cared for so much, and to watch them wither away down to nothingness, they died, but can a girl ever survive a funeral? The idea of her father dying, her mother dying, her grandmother dying, all in the future for that is our future, death is the final journey we all take. Should this one lead a paronoid life worrying about where her soul is going to be? Religion is out of her mind, She gave up on it all.

not only is a girl truly rambling now she is really talking depression, but truth is she is not in a depressed mood, just a reflective one. Is a little confused at this moment about a great many things. *giggles* a girl can get a little naughty and talk about what she did last night, actually she should be talking about that for it was part of her assigment that Master gave her. umm *bites lips* ok, she is going to go onto a plesant topic rather then this miserable one anyway, since it will make her feel a little better, as well as, technically she has to write about this.

See Master once said to her that if she chooses to play with herself or shave that she has to write about it in her diary. Well she has yet to shave and think she is getting to the point where she MUST do so, It has been well over a month since she last shaved, is completely hairy, and feels pathetic. The nicety of a smooth wonderful bare skin in her mind brings a smile, then again, she was sort of waiting by his orders for him to do it, then again that is something a girl really doesnt want him to do, not because it is a tough limit, but well it is one of those issues she needs to be pushed into. Knows deep down inside is aching for him to do so, but well melanie has a bad habbit of making a mountain out of a mole hill and complaining about everything, but in the end complies. Anyway to get back on track yes she did go all out and have a lot of fun last night with herself.

Dont ask her why she was just really horny, probably should have given Master a call, but the way his schedule has been she knows he gets home late every evening. So she was really horny, and Master did tell her to not focus on the orgasm but focus on slowing down and enjoying everything. Enjoying your body, the sensations, well she got completely lost in the moment. In her mind the image, feeling of him taking control of her fucking her completely flooded her mind. With that stimulation as well as the use of her vibrator which she imbeded within herself, and her hair brush which was lodged within her behind, and the constant stimulation of her clit and with the intense pain of clothes pins attached to her nipples it just got too much. To add to the sensation she put her gag on herself, is terrofied of gags, but it is becomming a tool which takes away her power, takes away the manner of speech and leaves her totally vunerable and without speech. All she knows is she was so drenched in sweat, her heart was frantically pacing that she felt every drumming beat practically punching through her chest, the sweat just dripped down, the feeling hit her so strong that she just screamed out, and she couldnt stop, because even as her body just collasped the fact that the vibrator was still going strong within and the tightness of the brush lodged within her, just completely extended the feelings.When it was all over, and taking a deep breath calming herself, to remove the clothes pins and feeling how sensitive her nipples were, she had to hold them against her palms for a few moments because of the pain of the life rushing back into them, was exciting. Then to withdraw the brush from her ass ever so slowly. She still has to admit her ass is still tight, maybe too tight, wonders if that is a plus or not. Then to finally withdraw the vibrator, and to see it loaded with her own sticky wet juices, the only thing a girl could think of is to close her eyes, and lick the vibe dry, imagining it was the cum of her Master savoring the moment. *fans self* maybe a girl did get a little carried away with her fun time, but it was something to remember. Hasn't truly felt like that in a long time, and it was something that she needed to do. Her only wish is to be able to do that someday for Him.

December 9 Sat

She really hates weekends. They are so boring, then again she makes it that way. POUTS, well today was Saturday did go to work, got home early and just went straight to bed. Don’t know why haven’t really been feeling good lately. Tired, drained, pale. And now looking at the time almost 6 and bored out of her mind. Thinks she should go do some laundry and cleaning but truth is, still exhausted. No fair. Don’t know had such a terrible headache this morning even took some motrin which is something she rarely takes felt a little better, but even at work, just was in a terrible state. Has to find the cause, because been feeling like shit for the past few days with dizzy spells ect. Maybe it is the new medicine she is taking, not too sure, but hates feeling like this.

To talk about something on the brighter side, was able to speak to Master last night, *smiles* he seemed like he wasn’t expecting her to call at all. Then again aside from the moments that she is in deep trouble and trying to call him up a million and one times, she usually always calls him on Friday, knowing it is convenient, that is one of the only times that he gets home early, and this one gets home late, so at least she is awake *giggles*. Talking to him was important last night, she was able to settle some great confusion within her. He always has a way of bringing a smile on her and setting her off on the right track. Its hard at times because of her self doubts, her insecurities, and her wicked way of viewing things. The important thing he was able to help her.

There is one thing she noticed about herself, and this wasn’t only yesturday but over the longest time. She realizes that she is really modest when it comes to talking about herself sexually. She knows this is probably confusing to even say it, but well for example Master wanted her to discuss how she found pleasure in herself. How she enjoyed masturbation. That she really had a lot of trouble with. She can’t seem to truly let herself go and tell him. In fact she cant even describe herself properly. Cant just say, I Was Horny my pussy was wet. *shakes head* in fact cant even refer to it as a pussy. This even goes back to that night with Master and Mushashi, when he suggested to just eat out her pussy. The shock and vulgarity of saying such a thing, it is true it added to the excitement and fear, but to say that in such a way, and even for her to admit that to herself. Why cant she just say it. It is never her pussy, it is always vaginal or anal orifices. It is never her ass, she just has trouble using those terms. Yet one of the hardest for her to finally say is "Master fuck me" *blushes* in fact that is something she really wants now, but can’t be greedy. Actually think she wants to go back to bed. *sighs* really not feeling too good.

*giggles* Think this goes back to a message she received in her email about focusing. Guess a girl does lose focus on a topic at times, but a question she has is, How does one learn to focus on one thing if all they know is focusing on everything. It is confusing. But not going to dwell in confusion now. Have too many things to worry about. *giggles* that is another issue, a girl is a worry wart, as a friend said it best. Maybe next time a girl can go into more details. For now, think this diary is best left as it is for now.

Sunday Dec 10,

She was actually shocked but last night Master popped on. It was rather late in the evening she was actually at the moment of logging off, but to see him on, was just felt with a warm feeling inside. He truly does bring a smile on her face. We were able to talk about a few interesting issues, mainly the darker side, *giggles* She thinks she may be corrupting him in some sort of way. That’s the beauty of it though, Is that he is allowing her to teach him and he teaches her so much. He has taught her everything and is exploring anything and everything on her mind, even if she has problems expressing it or saying it, he knows deep down inside she wants it. Maybe she will learn to fully express her most deepest desires to him, is trying, But *smiles* she does have to say he awakened so many ideas within her. The idea of just completely suckling upon his blood, cutting just a tiny hole within his skin knowing how the blood pours out in a little bubble that just gets bigger and bigger as you squeeze until it dribbles down your skin, and the thought of this one just licking it up with her tongue, tasting the very life precious force. ~takes a deep breath~ WOW, it is a very powerful image. She is probably taking too much enjoyment in thinking about it. *giggles*

See the amazing thing is she noticed last night how things have changed quite a bit since we both started together, ironically as well is the fact that mid december is also going to be our 6th month anniversary. Not that the date really matters, it should but she was never too keen on dates of anything but how can she forget the date she first met him online, it was indeed her birthday. But to reflect upon things, it used to be that only he taught her, and well as she said he taught her EVERYTHING. But seems that she has also taught him or "corrupted" *giggles* that is such a naughty word, but has taught him a great deal as well. Not going to get a big head about it, but the dynamics of how both of us are learning from each other, is an interesting thing. From teaching him the pain, art, beauty and depression of Gor and how it effects a girl, to the complete care of knots, and her perfectionism when it comes to bondage, and even the joys of the darker gothic side to things, sanguinism, blood sports, and well her desires too. There is so much, and this road where we are both leading to, although has no specific direction, it is a wonderful journey.

Well she hates to say this again, damn feels like an old lady but she is exhausted, and it is only 11:30 am, then again she did wake up at 6am after going to bed really late last night. It is weird she gets these wicked spurts of energy then she completely crashes in exhaustion. This is one of those moments. Think she is just going to take a nap for now, then when she wakes up go do some exercise and then do a little shopping. Realizes she is LATE. At the bank we adopted a family in need and each agreed to get them one christmas present. She didn’t get her present yet. Don’t know why she even bothered putting herself in the list, but she has to, this is a time to give rather then receive. But that’s just it, what if she has nothing to give? She is still completely broke although is staring at her $900 ticket on her desk. *shakes head* Too bad they can’t be open on Sundays, Well Tuesday definitely going on day off. Needs the Money badly. So borrowed $20 from mother, and going to make a poor woman’s Christmas nice. It is the time for giving after all. Ok she is blabbering think she is going to sleep now, isn’t really feeling too good and still looks pale as a ghost, with a bad headache. Funny thing is she didn’t take her medicine yesterday nor today. *shrugs* don’t know is confused, for now though its bed time for her.

(later on the evening)Well she did get to take her nap, turned out to be a 4 and a half hour nap, that is probably more like a full nights rest, but in waking up she still felt like crap, even grandma said to her she looked horrible. But Got up, took a nice long hot shower, in fact she enjoyed it too much. It was like each and every stream of water bathing her skin just relaxed and warmed her tired muscles, she felt like she was in ecstasy, and it was the simplest of pleasures. After her nice long shower, which was really nice, don’t know why maybe because she hasn’t been feeling too good. She is not sick, its just she is drained, shouldn’t be, but is. Anyway after that she got dressed, and went out shopping for that gift. She was actually surprised, only having $20 in her pocket which was borrowed, she was able to get a really nice blouse for the woman, gloves for the cold, a nice pair of toasty slippers, make-up kit, a skirt for this one for work, as well as some nice little treats for Master, *blushes*, she was actually surprised at the sale they were having at K-Mart, then again K-mart always has a sale. And what is great about it is that she can get some nice clothes for work for as little as $3, if the timing is right. So for $20 bucks she got a VERY good deal. *giggles*. Now if only she can get that $900 *giggles*.

Well not too sure what she can say, does miss Master and has been thinking about him, but knows he was rather busy today, the important thing was she was able to speak to him not only last night but the night before. *smiles* that is a nice treat.

Sat Dec 16, 2000

Yes she knows, hasn't been writing or keeping up with her diary this past week. Has really been a busy one, lots to tell, and probably lot she won't be able to. Don't know, her computer is completely messed up, she has been getting booted off at any second it can get, it is rather frustrating, just when she starts typing a letter, or typing up anything BOOT. If she is talking to Master, or talking to a friend BOOT. Not too sure really what it could be, must be her modemn, its so slow and this is the time of year everyone stays inside all warm and toasty and goes online.

Well this week was the holiday party at work. Very disappointing, we went to a german restaurant, and should have went to the main holiday party that they were having for the entire company with dj, prizes, dancing dinner, ect, instead went to a private party with just this branch at a local restaurant. Food was terrible, waitresses were bitches, drinks were nothing, It was TERRIBLE. At least we were able to stay around, spend time together, and talk. That is the important thing about the holidays. The only thing is that she really doesnt talk. It is strange. She listens and listens to the chatter about her, them all talking about past years in the bank, life in general, and are giggling and happy. Looking back at that, no wonder she was silent, here is a girl the youngest one in the bank, only 20 years old, surrounded by wonderful women who are at least 32 years old, they are married, with children, and have wonderful blissful relationships. What am i? Only 20 years old, deadly afraid to even go out with anyone, couldnt even order an alcholic beverage all though the bartender screwed up terribly. Waitress gave me a hard time for ordering a strawberry daquiri, she ordered a virgin one, drink came back loaded with liquor. The funny thing though is when at work, it is a wonderful time. *smiles* Been there for over a month,.unless it is two months by now, geeze forgetting the dates, but been there, and it is SOOO much better then the other branch. We talk, we have fun, come home in a pleasant spirit. It is a great atmosphere to work in, and she really is enjoying it. The only thing a girl has to learn now is to separate, WORK from PLAY. That party was a dinner to attempt to do that, She couldn't though.

Technically it is now Sunday Dec 17, yahell blew up on her last night so in mid post she couldnt finish this entry. But Since it is a new day, might as well say what has been going on. Last night she did recieve a special package in the mail. Was so happy to open it up, was like a little girl running to see what santa brought her. Of course she knew exactly what was inside, as well as she knew it wasnt for her but for someone she holds special to her heart. By the end of the night though, a girl was in tears over it. *sighs* Family has such a good way of digging in the knife. Even now, she is left in total confusion and complete doubt. In fact she probably shouldnt even be talking about this right now, but has no where to turn. Venting by means of a diary is perfect, then again, knowing who reads this, can be the worst mistake. Self doubt. Why must a girl always fuck things up because of self-doubt. But come to think of it, is it self-doubt? Her family gave her more then enough excuses to make it FACT. But why does a girl believe? What is that little hope she has within that she NEVER had with anyone before. A little spark of light inside of her which shines in a flickering flame, but its that little thing within that gives her hope. What is she hoping for? Maybe something which she can never get. But it is still something that a girl can truly say she never had before, and doesnt want to give it up. Sure at any moment that hope can be fully extinguished and a girl would be left off in her own depressing suffering, but for now, why cant she enjoy it? Is it such a sin to enjoy herself? Yes, she has hope. But she also has tears because of it. Why does she put so much trust? Is it truly love. God not even going to get into the love part. Love is something that can't be admited. Love is probably a farce, love is my ultimate misunderstanding. Pathetic isnt that?

ok, as you can see really have to stop that shit, Overall doing well though. She finished her christmas shopping, although never did get the broadway tickets for her mother, has to wait till next paycheck which is after christmas. *sighs* well it will be an IOU sort of thing, mommy will understand, told her that was her gift, a day in the city with dinner and a broadway show. Yes it is expensive, but it is for the both of us, its a christmas gift we can spend together and enjoy it, plus, not all the time we can go to the city together. *giggles* Who knows may take her to purple passion and get her into one of those leather latex or pvc dresses. OOOO.

Went to bingo last night, was a dead night. Don't know why but bingo totally gets a girl horny, watching the balls spin, thinking of Master, thinking about those wicked thoughts and fantasies she has been having. *giggles* She ended up cracking up laughing in bingo last night. Was crying hysterically, couldnt help it at all. At least did win $40. That was a nice little treat. Positive side is, although now $40 richer, was able to pay all my loans this month, and did so with additional principle too. Yippie!!! Going to try if possible to get rid of the loans, It is a disgrace that she now has 4 loans and no degree to show for it. *shakes* College although taught her a great deal about herself, and she regretfully wants to go back. She chose the wrong school to go to and now has to suffer about 8 years or so in bills. ALthough two of her loans are 3 year loans, with the right planning and lots of discipline she is going to try to get it down to less then 2 years if at all possible. Has to, needs a car, needs to start making it out on her own. For now it is an impossibility, but once those loans are gone, It will be WONDERFUL. The actual pride she is having right now in discipline is that she started a holiday club account. *giggles* See she gets $5 a week in dinner money, why not just put that money in the bank, which she has been doing, and well any time she gets extra money, which happens to be this month a really lucky one for her, until next month of course, but she has been saving it up. Its pretty good being she does get interest on her accounts, of course it is only 12cents a month, but that adds up.

Her mind is definately all over the place, its the weekend. She hates weekends. Its only 10:30 in the morning, laundry is in the washing machine and what she really should focus on is her room. ACKK, feels like all she ever complains about is her bed room. Well truth is it is never clean, and no matter how many times she tries to clean it, it never gets clean. Needs a bomb to go off in it and just start all over on it. It is terrible. Eventually it will be cleaned.

Have to go back to the bank on another note. Being that it is christmas and everything the customers are SOOOOO good to us. *giggles* Never would have thought to give christmast presents to the bank but that is what has been happening, and the downside is a girl is gaining weight ACKK. SHe feels like she is having and orgasmic rush at work each day. Going in there is gifts of EVERYTHING. Not that she pigs out or anything, in fact we are all encouraging each other to only takee one piece, ok over the course of the day it turns out to be more like 5 pieces, however umm 5 pieces of candy a day isnt really going to kill anyone. It is all the other crap this one is eating, dont ask her why she is getting the strangest cravings for food in such a way. Wanted chicken parmagean the other night, was in the mood for shrimp the other day, ackk it is terrible. Must be the medication or something who knows, been getting bad headaches, cravings for sweets, and well dizzy spells. Going to the doctor next week will tell her and well will probably just be thrown into some other pills. Anyway, it is SOOO evil. She was suckling upon godiva chocolate truffle, it was ecstasy. Between the fresh baked cookies, the chocolates, the candies, that all the customers are bringing for us. It is terrible, *giggles* This one is always saying it is EVIL EVIL she tells you. The other tellers get a good laugh, we have a lot of fun at the bank and well it is a great team. Good thing is, aside from the one or two mistakes here and there which were all fixed, this one has yet to have any major problems. In Fact been proofing out absolutely perfect every day. Hasn't been even showing a penny in over two weeks. Her mother is jealous at how good a girl has it at her job. It is true, she does have a really good job, and although the pay they started her out with is at the lowest level that this job offers, there is room to grow, the benifits are great, and she knows in her mind that within a year 3 people are going to be leaving this place. Is that possible room for advancement??? Could be.

Wed December 20

Well today is her day off, and spent the morning doing some cleaning. She always seems to be cleaning but there is only one thing on her mind. *giggles* She is thinking of Master, was able to talk to him last night. Well if a girl could sing a song right now she would be singing "all i want for chistmas is an evening with Master, and evening with Master, just evening with him..Gee if i only had an evening with him then it will be a very merry christmas" ~in the tune of two front teeth~..*giggles* ok a girl will admit she is really in a happy, bumbling christmas spirit this year. Took her long enough, usually she is like this after Thanksgiving, but this year really didn't care about it, but now with only a few more days to go it is WONDERFUL. Yippie.

Aside from that today just happens to be anniversery. Dont know why she even bothers remember dates, but it is a special little day for her. 6 months with Master!! Thats a nice number. *smiles* But she has some special little surprises for him. Hopefully will be able to see him if not, well POUTS, doesnt even want to think of it.

Work has been really well. Still getting all kinds of goodies. It is unbelievable each night we lock up the goodies in the vault and in the morning spread them all across the counter for everyone to enjoy and look at. It is SOOO EVIL. The chocolates, the candies, the cookies, mmmmmmmmm. A girl has been trying to be good. And is making a major promise to herself that after the holidays it is back to exercise. A girl has been laxing and that is BAD BAD BAD. but she is like a little girl all bumbly and happy. *crosses her fingers* Just one thing for christmas is all she asks.

Other then that things have been rather quiet. No one talks to her anymore. The boards are way too quiet, although in the clubs she has been trying to get more active in the vampire groups. She misses a friend of hers greatly, but thinks she cried wolf too many times, and he took his own advice with her, and well "why does he even bother with her". SHe hasnt talked to him in over a month, and well in her mind, why does she even bother with him? She cared for him so much, and he was her closest friend, but, well he no longer talks to her. Its sad, well he has his girl to make him all happy, so guess he doesn't need a girl to talk to.

Did a little shopping today. Bought some nice stuff. She has to admit that shopping at the $1 store may seem pathetic..but they really have some nice things..*giggles* bought herself a ying yang candle holder, it is soo cool. She really likes it, in fact bought a couple of neat candles, and stuff. Never really was into candles, but Master always uses them and they are so beautiful that sometimes she finds herself engulfed by the flames. Well actually she always saw candles in a different light before she met him. Her grandmother always used to light a candle every day and pray, pray for everything. She still does so, one of those long jewish white candles, and she would always in the privacy of the silence would rub her hand over the warm flame, feeling the wax, the heat, It would in a way get her excited. At the same time, she feared it, especially when Master started the wax play, although she is finding that she is beginning to enjoy wax play. Definately not a religious form of play. *giggles* But she did get to buy a few nice things. Bought herself a nice velvet dress. Wants to wear it for work on Sat, its a bit christmasy, and think it would be nice. Then again with the right shoes and the right makeup can look really really hot and sexy. Oooooo.

Mon Dec 25 (Christmas)

"And so this is christmas, and what have you done? Another year over, a new one just begun." That song is not only so depressing it is probably in my mind one of the best christmas songs ever written. Well Melanie it is christmas and what have you done? This has been a LONG year, and many changes have happened to her, she is not going to take the time now to reflect upon them, but that is surely something on her mind. Maybe right now she is in a mixture, of overstuffness, exhaustion, pain, maybe even she is drunk *giggles* who knows. But it is christmas, and a lot has happened. Some good,some bad, some pointless, but it is that time of the year.

For starters right now she is really exhausted, and stuffed. Grandma finally got the urge to cook FINALLY. She made a wonderful lasagna, ham, candy yams, nice anti-pasta ~mmmmm~ We had a wonderful dinner, food wise, but there was still a lot missing. The Christmas spirit. Of course a girl was very hyper in all things. She was dancing around her little santa hat, tinsel everywhere, and shone through like the little light she is, but even that, was ruined. She had her christmas, and it was the best christmas she ever had, but the whole family thing, it was just so different this year.

Her father came over to spend time with us. She can't even bear to look at him. He had to have lost about 70lbs or so. Don't know why. He looks wonderfully thin and handsome, something he hasn't been in a long time. He was even wearing a nice suede type top, that this one might have been getting a little insestuous, but couldn't help but running her fingers all across the material against his chest. It just felt soo good to the touch. ~note to self buy one of those~ It was a christmas gift from her mother to him, and well, he didn't even have the decency to wear something nice, until she provoked him to. He did look good though, was clean, shaven, in his nice clothes, but this one takes a step back, unable to even be with the family.

Last night we opened up all the presents, of course this one was the official gift giver. This one always enjoyed it, would separate all the gifts, running back and forth handing them out to each person and watching each one opened gifts as the music played. This year, was different, did hand out all the gifts, but the spirit was gone. Watching her family just sit on the couch and in the chairs, felt like a girl didn't belong here. That this was not her family she so dearly loves, that these are not the people that have cared for her all these years, watched her grow up, been there when she needed them. Well she tried to get into the spirit, and played her part, still was bumbly with the santa hat, a girl can get quite playful and happy. At least this year there was no complaints of a girl's hyperness, well at least not by her family.

We rented a few movies to watch. Maybe it was under the circumstances, or just the way she felt, but the movie fucking scared the hell out of her. It left such an impression on her that when it was over, she even had to excuse herself to calm down, wash her face, and tell herself it was just a movie. That alone is scary. THat NEVER happens. This one is the type of girl who loves the scariest, most suspenseful, creepiest movies in the world. In fact the sicker the movie the more she likes it. This wasn't even a scary movie, in fact it was a suspenseful one, and a REALLY good one, she has to admit she loved it, but it left such a feeling with her, that she can't describe it. The movie was called "Final Destination" It was about teens who are leaving for paris on a school trip, but one of them has a dream the plane is going to crash, freaks out on the plane before the trip, and gets thrown off the plane. As the plane takes off it does Blow up killing everyone on board, and the survivors are left with the memory and the horror that they cheated death. Well don't want to give away the whole movie, but it was soo good, Only problem was there was this one scene, that freaked her out. One of the kids in an accident had clothesline wrapped around his neck, restricting the blood flow to his brain and choking him completely. They were even graphic enough to show the veins in the eyeballs popping. ~holds her stomach in pain~ Even now just thinking about this is hurting her way too close to home. Its scaring the hell out of her.

Breathing is such a delicate and precious thing we take for granted. It is something which we do all our lives, and a precious necessity. To have that one thing being taken control of,and to know that at the moment we lose oxygen is the moment our life is over, that is a scary thought, Very Scary. Makes her think back to the time when she was a kid. It was very late, and all of a sudden in the middle of the night she gets up, pounding on the bed, unable to even speak, but just keep, screaming in a muffled moan, and pounding on the bed, all because she couldnt breath. It was the one and only time a girl's bronchitist got to her, and she had an attack. It was a terrifying moment in a girl's life, but she was able to go through it. What brought the attack on was because of the fridgid cold winter we had, and that day she was playing in the snow with her mother, building a snowman and having a snowball fight, without a scarf. The dry cold air did damage to her lungs, which later on in the evening, when she was asleep disrupted them, and caused the attack. That was one time in her life, she lost control of the very thing which makes her live. Her breathing.

And now...*sighs* Its strange. She was trying a little breathing test today just to see what happens. If she takes a deep breath filling her lungs up, then holds it, she starts feeling intense pain building up. She feels her chest about to explode, she feels the beating of her heart within her chest, frantic, even can feel pressure building up in her ears as the blood races away, she can't hold her breath long. Used to be able to hold it for 3 mins no problem in her swimming days. *giggles* In fact used to be able to do a complete olympic size underwater lap with no breath. Anyway, tried something else, because it is so hard to hold a deep breath in, so tried on the exhale part, Getting rid of all breath then holding it. It strange but it is that moment which a girl feels like she is spacey, or on another plane. It is calming feeling. There isnt that build up of pressure, of course she also can't hold it for any longer then say 45 seconds, but it is that moment where slowly in her mind she can focus on the numbers and count in her mind. The other way doesnt know why, but she panicks. Why the fuck she was doing or getting caught up on this especially today of all things, really doesn't know, but it was a deep impression on her mind especially after watching that movie. Gave her the willies. Ooo and if anyone is looking for a good movie rent "Final Destination" good one.

Ok, anyway, well christmas was nice, the gifts were good, a girl did get a lot of clothes, but also clothes that a girl will NEVER wear in her life. *shakes head* How hard is it to get a girls size? She takes one of two sizes, although a little big, she either takes 20-22. Easy as that no complaints. Well she has one outfit they bought her in size 28. Another one they bought her is a cow vest. God having to open up that ugly thing the first thing that came to mind was MOOOOOO!.*shakes head* In fact absolutely nothing with the exception of 2 nice sweaters that mommy bought her, mom has taste, but absolutely nothing that her aunt or grandmother bought, can be worn. *sighs* She did get well was giong to say 2 good presents, but now it is down to one. So badly a girl wanted a foot massager. *smiles* It is soo hard to come home from work after a long day on her feet in heels, and taking off her stockings and shoes, barely able to walk, or move her feet with the constant swelling throbbing that she feels from them, it is terrible, but now..oooo, a nice foot massager bath, with heat and bubblies. *giggles* That is one gift a girl is going to savor in, plus may help her ugly feet. She has been getting the worst callouses on her soles that are so bad, that they are really painful when she is not in shoes. Aside from that she got another special gift which turned out to be totally useless..SIGHS. They bought her a 56K modem for her computer so she doesnt have to put up with this 14.4 crap that she is using. Well problem is when installing it, causes a disruption in her com ports since the mouse and the modem are using the same port. There is no way to change them for now without adjusting the jumpers and changing the what-evers. ACKK like a girl really know what the hell all that is supposed to mean??? Her aunt's boyfriend is supposed to be a big time computer genius, yet it took him 4 hours, plus NO 56K modem, to tell her that it can't be done. *shakes head* Four fucking hours to install a modem that cant even be used. Sick part is and this is where the family holiday bitterness comes in. Actually there was a great deal of family bitterness, but a girl tried to stay in the holiday mood, but every damn moment all she hears is her aunt yelling at her boyfriend. Damnit why does he even stay with her, every chance she gets, all she calls him is stupid, worthless, useless, saying he is nothing but smelly black trash, the list goes on and on and on. Why he puts up with it, why the hell my family puts up with it as well is beyond me. At the dinner table we have to hear all this, and they do nothing but bite their tongues, then again, so does this one. Just bites her tongue, and not say a word, and slowly cut into her food and savor it, ignoring the fact she is hearing how stupid and worthless he is. Well a girl did her part in her silent family, did cause a war 3 years ago, but what differenece does it make, a girl was leaving anyway. When He first met up with her aunt, this one went behind her aunts back and spoke to him, warning him about how she is with men, and how she treats them. He was too blind, he was too dumb, he was too naive, and well this one entrusted him telling him all about her, and he went straight to my aunt, telling her all the things this one spoke about to him. Of course that started a family war, but he was warned. Well he asked for it, he continues to stay with her, she continues to abuse him. THAT is a fucked up power exchange abusive relationship.

Ok looking at the good and bad. Good Dinner MMMM Plus. NIce foot bath massage, Major PLUS. A Wonderful weekend. OOOO DEFINATELY PLUS PLUS PLUS. Bad points, her freaking out, family bitterness, walking a fucking mile then to hear them complaining about picking her up a few blocks away from the house, the fact that no one even gives a damn in yahell anymore. *sighs* Ok..now she knows she is making all the bad overcome the good, but is going to bring this up. She is really shocked how truly no one cares anymore here in yahell. She sent out a special christmas message to everyone on her friends list. Friends whom at one time she cared about or whom cared about her. Even though she saw them pop on and off, Only one of them even said a merry christmas. She did get a nice little merry christmas in the mail by two of her good friends. But even that, no one took the initiative to even say hello. No club messages, no cards, not even a hello. Has a girl detached herself so much that she was forgotten by everyone? She did get a little thank you from a friend, well at least she hopes she can call him a friend, but a thank you for sending out a christmas card. That was a nice little suprise. As for everyone else, ~flicks her wrist underneith her chin ..eh~

Even though this post certainly sounds like it has its up and downs, overall a girl really was hyper this weekend. Had a wonderful time, and has something which she can truly keep locked away in her heart and memories. Yes this is another year over, and a new one is about to begin, but the beauty of the new one is that one day at a time, has no idea where it is going to go, where it is going to lead, but a girl is ready for the ride. She wishes everyone a merry, happy christmas.

December 27 tuesday

At least tommorrow is her day off, that is a good thing, was exhausted today, and still feels terribly stiff and sore here and there. Bad news is though she messed up at work, doesnt know how went through all her work, but maybe indeed she did make a mistake, she knows has to concentrate more. Alot of things a girl has to focus on. First thing she is definately going to start on is her diet. Enough is Enough Melanie, it is time to work hard, and lose weight. Well this holiday has been an EVIL one, *giggles* between all the cakes, cookies, deserts, food. Mmmmm. Very evil. So she has to work on her diet and exercise more. Master will be proud of her if she can lose weight, plus it is for her own benifit.

Yesturday she did recieve an interesting phone call. Kind of funny being a girl was horny as hell. But it made her think about sex in a whole new light. Is sex nothing more then an addiction? We were talking about cheating. Her strange philosophy was that as long as there is no emotional "attraction" to each other then it is not cheating at all. But that is bull shit. If a girl was in love with her "boyfriend" and he cheated on her, she would be pissed off completely and feel betrayed and used. It is confusing. Well he was horny, she was horny, and funny thing was all we did was talk. umm maybe he did more then just talk, but, can sex be just an addiction? An addiction like caffine, smoking, drugs? She has to admit she just loves the feelings she gets from it, not only from just the act of fucking but the whole thing, the domination, the bondage, the use. She knows she is not a slut, but she does find herself wanting it so badly. Needing it badly. Yet with all her desire, her torment, there is only one person she aches to be with. *smiles evily* Maybe a girl is too greedy at times, her and her little evil smile. But it is nice wonderful warm thoughts.

Its hard she guesses, not really know what to say. She has been slacking off with her diary lately, well there is so much she could say, but doesn't know what to say. Things are going well, her father is still here, seems his car broke down and he is stuck here. She doesn't have anything to do with her family, and well, is just bored. Wishes she can talk to Master a little bit, probably could give him a call, but well doesn't want to appear greedy, yet she knows if she doesn't call him, he never is going to call her. That is a downside to it. Ok, well she is a little lost at what to say right now, but, she is doing well, and things are very good.

(a little later on that night) Why does a girl torment herself? She is really bored out of her mind tonight, and tries to come here online to seek something out. It is nothing but torment. Went into a gor room, and met up with an old FW bitch that she has such hate for that just the name will send chills down her spine. Truth is she fears that fucking bitch like anything. Fear. Why must a girl fear her so much. Is it really that scary that she has to fear one lone woman? Anyway she was kicked out of the room within 4 mins. that is a record for her. Tried to be respectful, but they were all having trouble. Don't know why they did it to her, a girl did nothing to them, its sad.

Anyway a girl also got into talking to a Master, one who has a fetish with girls with long hair. She was telling him how one of her fears is the idea of a man cumming in her hair. But in thinking of it through she wonders if it is just a fear or a strange inhibition desire. In fact she is wondering about that with alot of her fears. She feared feet, and yet she can suckle, massage, kiss, and worship feet, She fears the gag, yet she loves the ball gag, and loves it when her Master covers her mouth controlling her speech. She fears breath play, yet, she LOVES the play. Is it really that she makes up fears, jsut for the sake of having limits, like a little sammy with the desire for those fears to just be taken away and overcome? Is that the ultimate way she indulges in her SAM ways, by pretending she fears something when deep inside she desires it, or she does fear it, but has the desire to ultimately be pushed away from it? Wants to be pushed. Sick thing is, she has been pushed, but how far can a girl truly go?

December 27 Wed

Today is a girls day off and she is bored out of her mind. Would begin cleaning her room but feels totally awkward, her father is still here, stranded here. To think he has been here for four days and she hasnt even said a word to him but given him a few huggles and some wonderful christmas wishes, but, she cant' seem to even be in his presense. It is tormenting her. Yet this could be the last times she spends with him. Will this be something she regrets if he dies. That she couldn't even say to him she loves him? That is a fear she feels about someone else to. But not even going to think of that.

She did recieve a letter in her email today, one that brought her to tears. When she first came here she met a very special married couple that never knew what BDSM was, talking to them teaching them, helping them, well they turned into the most beautiful TPE couple she has ever seen, and she even called them the parents of her heart. They were both her online mommy and daddy someone to talk to and be helped by. They were wonderful to her, but well, she lost AJ, and lost them as well. It was her if anything else, she turned her back on everyone including them. But she recieved a letter from them, and in more ways then one it was a letter that indirectly means her momh is dying. Knew it was happening and for the past year also secretly knew she was going in and out of hospitals. How could one read a letter as such, and not feel sad. No where in the letter does it say it is her last, in fact it was a letter of strength, comedy, and informing this one of all the wonderful things as well as some bad things that happened this year. Why she would send it after all this time, the only thing a girl an think of is, it is her last. How difficult it must be for them both, and the question is after all this time, does a girl get back into their life, or just does what she does best? Walk away? She did write back to them, but think she is walking away. Will save her even more grief.

Anyway, a girl was really bored today, still is bored, wishes she had something to do. Well of course there is stuff she can do but patheticall she is choosing not to do it. OK..a girl is going to make a stance, and is getting the hell offline and going to do some exercise. Might as well start now, why wait for Jan 1, Plus is getting completely depressed at the way she is looking. Gained too much weight this holiday season.

Thursday Dec 28

Today was a busy day at work. YAWNS, left her exhausted. seems she was the only teller today and it just so happened we were BUSY. The other teller called in sick, and well it was just her and the op supervisor. Even the personal bankers really couldnt help because the manager wouldnt let them. She can really be a bitch at times, but a girl didn't say that. IT was just very busy, but a girl is glad it went through. She didn't even get her break until 2pm, the bank officially closes at 3, so that was a nightmare. Because it is thursday though, and the drive through is opened late, she was able to go home early, that is a nice treat. So here she is, home, with her feet propped up, relaxing, watching some tv, writing in this diary, and bored out of her mind. She really doesn't know why she even bothers comming here. She knows she complains too much.

well she was getting to talking to a few people. Why do they just pm her out of the blue? Sometimes that could provide some interesting conversation, but it seems all anyone ever wants to do is pick her up and fuck her.

Anyway, hmm, she is bored, she is tired, and well nothing much is happening. Her father went home, work was busy, and Master is busy too *giggles softly* and well Taluna wears the cheese although it doesn't wear her, and this one is just looking for the man with the cheese *giggles* No comment!!!

Friday Dec 29

Right now a girl is in utter ecstacy, its so intense that it even brought tears to her eyes. OHHHH...*smiles*. She is finally taking advantage of her x-mas gift. A heated, bubble foot massager. AHHHHHHH. Friday's are always hard for her being she stands up all day, and it is a long day in the bank, comming home she is always in such pain and swelling that she can't even walk. But now. It is soooo soothing. She put the bubblies on with the heated massage, and even put a scoop of her wonderful aromatic foot revitalizing crystals in peppermint and rosemary oil. OOOOOOOO. Her feet are certainly killing her completely. They are so swollen and throbbing, what her poor feet go through.

Well tommorrow they are predicting a terrible blizzard. She hates snow, and is really not looking forward to be shovelng foot after foot of snow. In her mind a perfect last day of this year would be to be at the foot of her Master, as the snow plows down on the ground. *giggles* She knows a girl can't be too greedy, but probably knows her 3 day weekend will probably somewhat miserable. but a girl will clean her room, go online, and think wonderful thoughts, and probably have an all out fest with herself. Did so last night. *giggles* a girl was really in quite a mood. With some nice thoughts of Master, her jr dong, and some lubrication a girl was able to have a nice enjoyable evening. *giggles softly* Anyway, really not looking forward for snow, although tommorrow, we already are making emergency preparations at the bank in case of a snow storm. Thinking it is all for nothing, yet, if it does hit us. ARGGG, a girl hates the snow. Didn't even start snowing and already everyone is making such a big deal of it.

Sat Dec 30

A girl is wondering weather to cry her eyes out right now, or just shrug it off. See thats the thing that bothers her the most, is what a cold hearted selfish bitch she could be at times, but is lost. Completely lost. Then again is not lost at all. Oh well she knows she is not making sense.

She was talking to a friend of hers today, a friend whom she hasn't spoken to in weeks, if not a month or so, and even the times she did speak to her, was short. This one took a step back. Why should she bother with her friend? Her friend doesn't wish to talk to her, and this one is too selfish to truly appreciate that she is a good friend. Well now her friend went through a tough time right now. And this one had no idea. No one told her. What was it just to let me in. What was it just to tell me the truth? At times i am expected to be honest, truthful, open. Yet, that can't be in return to me. Unless it is returned to me, just don't acknowledge it.

Awww fuck ignorance is bliss. Maybe it is better she doesnt even know. What was it just to let me in? Sometimes i feel a girl should just walk away. Maybe she is the ultimate slave. Is willing to sacrifice her happiness completely if it would make another happy. But she knows that wouldn't make another happy, especially knowing her action would be the ultimate misery for a girl. Oh well. Does she let it bother her, No she takes it one day at a time.

Not going to dwell on this, although it was upsetting to here. Anyway, today we were hit with the snow. Hit badly. This one actually had to wake up early, shovel her drive way, go to work and work was cancelled an hour after arrival anyway. What a nightmare. We all had to come in, open up even though we knew it was terrible..then close out. And even now, it is still terrible. Comming home had to shovel as well, sick and tired of shoveling the snow. Let is all pile up for all she cares. It is too cold, she is not prepared for the snow. Not hat, no gloves, no scarf, no boots, *shakes head* But a stupid shovel. Hmmm should make an anatomically correct snowman out there..give something to celebrate the new year, and just say FUCK YOU ALL. *giggles*

Speaking of New Years, well it is that time again. And she is still wondering whether to go through a reflection of this year. Damn what a year. She quit school went through 3 jobs, had her first time bdsm experience. Last year on New Years she was cumming with Donavin..this year for new years, who knows, snowed in. No plans for this year.

Shit, why does a girl have to get like this. Self-doubt. Sad thing is even family has to push it in. He's no good, your too good, you give him everything what does he do for you. Yeah-yeah yeah. Ok, fine an answer to that, what does he do. Gives me feelings never felt before. Puts Hope in my life deep inside that there is happiness. Teaches me to be intuned with my body, my feelings. Just the mere thought of him can totally change my mood. Doesn't that mean anything?? It does to me. What materialistic. Am i that greedy? I seek nothing materialistic from anyone. Maybe time, a girl is greedy seeks time and attention. Even if it it negative. So what she is a SAM. A Smart Ass Masochist, who will get herself in trouble just so that she knows she gets some attention. Her Family doesn't want to hear about her sexual adventures so what better way then to tell them it ALL. Tell them she enjoys being fucked. Bring her mother to the sex shop and have her watch her buy a dildo knowing full well a girl is going to fuck herself completely on a fake dong. And yet a girl keeps her silence. Silence, while she has to listen to the other. Dig it in deeper if you will. Plunge the knife in completely knowing she can't do anything, knowing she is worthless.

Know what the fucking thing is. This entry will be read, so what, at least it is her way to purge herself. Talking is not working, writing it is not helping, Must this always be the way to communicate. Purging her soul completely, then facing the consequences. Maybe a girl should be silent, not say a word, not tell the truth with how she feels. She knows within a few hours this mood will just be null. It wont even seem like she is in a mood, will be back to her bumbly self. In fact she is still in a bumbly self. But guess she only chooses to write at those times where she is depressed, exhausted, tired, or just overall is frustrated. Thats the art of writing for her. It is a way to purge her soul. Get rid of it. And the only thing a girl wants to get rid of is the bad things. Sure she can write about good things, as a lasting permanant memory within her mind. But it is the bad things a girl has to, needs to write about. And it is those bad things a girl faces the consequences of.

Yes, yes a girl is hurt today. Yes a girl is in pain, Yes she is tormenting herself in her own misery. Who cares *shrugs* within an hour or so a girl will go upstair go to sleep and sleep away her misery waking up in total bliss until the next thing comes and sets herself off.

What a cold hearted bitch she is. Has no way to care for her friends, has no way to just tell them she loves them, cares for them, but doesnt know how to show it. Backing away. Going away is that always a cure. Is running the best bet. She was talking to a troll who just pmed her out of the blue, the one thing he asked her was what is it in life she wants. Her answer. Everlasting Love. She just wanted to be loved. Then we got into a conversation of regret. Well her regret which she knows she is going to regret it for the rest of her life. Is not saying how much she loves someone, or worst yet, loving someone without them loving her. See so much, her father could be on his death bed then agian could live a long healthy life, and she can't even say she loves him. Her friends, rather then being their as they were for her. She walks away. And those she "loved" in the past, all gone. She doesn't even know what happend to them. They are just all gone.

Think a girl needs to get the hell off line. She is in enough shit over this post. But well at least it is her plea, it is her cry. Happy New Year Everyone.

(later on that evening)DAMNIT, FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK....*sighs* All the cursing in the world will probably not do a thing, who cares. Why does she do this to herself. Yet the first thing that comes to mind is pick up the phone, make a phone call, try, just try to make contact. But that is useless. Must she run whenever she is in need. Running to someone to take the pain away rather then just dealing with it herself. She Feels lost hurt. So many feelings all she knows is she been the shittiest crappiest mood all day. Master was on for a few min..who am i kidding he was on for the past hour or so. What was it just to say a simple hello. What was it just to say.."i am busy" what was it just to say any of that. That is all he had have done. But what a greedy little bitch she is. Expecting him to drop everything and cater her whim. Yes She is fucking greedy. She would do that for him, and in a way has done for him. Is it that greedy to ask for the same thing. It has to be. For that is what a girl, a greedy little sammy. Wanting all the attention for herself. ANd you know something. Here she is alone, in tears, upset like shit, and that little comfort she cant even get. Her family CAN"T see her like this so she cant go upstairs. And her friends online, not only she can't talk to them, she wouldn't want to. Plus who is going to lisetn to her. SHIT why does she do this to herself. and why the tears. FOR what? There is nothing to be upset about. Absolutely nothing. Yet here she is, in tears.

Been online all day. ALL FUCKING DAY. Since this morning, tlakking talking and talking. She talked to a guy who read her destiny like a book based on her age, name, and birthdate. Either he is a phony fake, smooth talker, or he really did have a gift, who knows..He probably just read her fucking diary and worked on her emotions. Who knows. But is she predestined to doom? Aside from that talked to a few others. Maybe she just wanted someone to take the pain away. The Hurt and the convusion..she just wishes it all to go away.

Dec 30

Well a girl does have to make one notation, not an appology, actually she is sorry, a lot of things she is sorry about, but good thing is she was able to talk to Master who did appologize about ignoring her. Think that was the first time he ever did make an appology to her. She only wonders was it because of after knowing how she felt about it, or because he knew he hurt her or it bothered her? There is a lot she is sorry about.

Its kind of hard, she was able to talk to Master this morning, she was in tears. Tears over the stupidest things. Her self doubt. And yet every single time she even gets in a down mood, he immediately brings up her "walking away and leaving" That is such bull shit, if she wanted to walk away she would have done so. And she could if she wanted to. But she doesnt. Why should she walk away. She gets so much out of him, sadly makes her feel like she is using him, but she gets so much out of being with him, thinking of him, serving him. She is so selfish. Jealousy was the first thing that came to his mind when we talked. Well maybe jealousy is a factor on her mind. Here she is so opened with him. Doesn't care if he wishes to fuck everyone under the sun, has no problem if he had any girl..in fact, she may even encourage in a little group participation activity..*giggles softly*. She is willing to do a great many things, but she is jealous, hurt, confused. A Trimuvate is a very powerful relationship, and that is something that can't be done with us. Why can't she just talk with her friend. Why is it every time she talks to her, a girl gets hurt, confused, lost. He wouldn't let me in, she wouldn't let me in, and last one to know what happened.

You know what hurt the most, Master saying to her that if we can't get along that he will get rid of both of us. DAMNIT feels like a jerry springer participant. Always every time a girl watches that show, she always wonders why the girls fight with each other, and not the man. I always say if that was me would kick the mans ass and walk out. Yet, feel like in the same thing, difference being..Not fighting. SHe doesnt say "He's Mine!"..its almost as if she says, you want him, take him, but let her be with him too. GOD look at the way she is talking. Talking as if Master is the property. Thought this one was. See how confusing this is, and she is so confused. Master didnt want to start the new year this way. What? is it her fault that she is upset. Truth is she is not upset, yesturday she was upset a crying mess. This morning she was upset and serious a crying mess. But talked to him..then went to a lovely nice breakfast with the family. Of course there was a big fight prior before that, and even her mother was in tears. Stupid reason she was in tears was knowing that her daughter all day yesturday was in tears, and crying this morning in tears as well and rather then talk or say anything her daughter wanted to call up Jim. That is what the stupid fight was about. She has to listen to her family saying DUMP Him, he isnt good for you, he treats you like garbage, he is brainwashing you and you are so wrapped around his finger that you dont even see how he is hurting you. Well you know something I DON"T BELIEVE THAT. I feel he is good to me, I feel i am learning so much from him. He can make me feel 100% better when in need. And she cares for him so much. Who cares what her family says about him. But why if anything does she doubt herself. Does her family enjoy seeing a girls misery. They push their views on her, what they want her to be lonely and miserable like they are? Well guess it doesnt matter, she is going to hell in their eyes anyway. That was the topic of todays breakfast..HELL and religion. *shakes head* Well at least a girl will burn in hell with all her loved ones.

(later on that evening)Two more hours and a girl can scream happy new year. *giggles* She is actually ready for bed, is exhausted. Well maybe she can admit she feels 100% better. Not bumbly just better. Its New Year's time to forget about things, so is going to forget about these issues that bother her, forget about them and let them just go away. She can do that no problem. Its a holiday. *giggles* Think a girl may be getting a little tipsy as well, having some wine, some champagne, having a wonderful delight, she might be getting drunk, actually a girl doesnt get drunk, just tipsy. Won't allow herself to get drunk, doesn't want to turn into an alcholic.

Suprisingly she did leave a message to all her friends on her list wishing them all a Happy New Year, and for that was flooded with responses. *smiles* That brought a big smile on her face, knowing there are people that do care. And well she had a long crying fit with a friend of hers on the phone. Just needing to talk to someone to purge herself. Of course most of the conversation was focusing on her, at least she was able to leave the conversation in tears and giggles. A very strange yet powerful mixture of emotions. So question is how does she feel now. Empty, Giddy, Drunk, Happy, Sarcastic..*giggles* Who knows?

Has been watching the godfather trilogy for the past 8 hours or so. Actually has to be more then that, been watching it all day, *giggles* Loves the god father. That is serious italiano mafia cinema. It is just too good to miss. So was watching it in its entirety. Probably should have cleaned her room, well that gives her something to do tommorrow. But tonight was calming down, vegging out, relaxing, and well soon she will go to sleep. Watching the ball drop really doesnt mean anything this year. To think New Years really means nothing this year. But a girl is going into it with a new attidude and a smile. Even has some New Year Resolutions. 1)lose weight 2)not to let things bother her and relax 3)cut down and focus on her diet 4)to openly communicate her needs, wants, desires and thoughts. 5)To pay additional principle on all her loans each month even if it is only $5, and to try to save as much as she can.

those are her resolutions, now if only she can stick to them. the one important one for her is losing weight. That is the number one, not only for herself, but also Master wants her to. She does remember one time he once even said he would help her with her nutrition, and her dieting, well at least now she has his encouragement in that way. She doesnt want to disappoint him, nor herself.

Go to Jan 2001

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