Febuary 2001

Fri Feb 2 2001

Well A girl did it. One full year of diary entries. WOW, this is a great accomplishment and will adimit a girl has been really really bad last month. Sorry. Maybe it was just me, but really didnt have the urge to write at all. In fact think she still doesnt. Reached a doldrum stage, where writing is just..........*shrugs*

So now its a celebration of one full year. *smiles* at least i know of one person who congratulationed a girl on her accomplishment. *giggles* Nice Fruit :)...

So what has been happening to her. A LOT HAS. First off a girl is in the funny farm. ACKK. Yep work is called the funny farm. There are certain reasons to that which not going to get into, however, the branch is a nightmare, seriously is. First off, no one has no clue what the hell they are doing. Second of all, on tuesday one of the tellers who was helping out until she leaves on maternity leave, slip and fell on the ice outside, screaming in the middle of the parking lot help, In the pouring rain, she couldnt move, we raced outside, wrapped her up in bundles of our coats, she is crying up a storm, the rain is pourind down, i am shaking, holding her face away from the puddle which she was laying in, and took the ambulence 25 mins to arrive. Terrible response time. We had to close the bank for the first 45 mins, Swear the branch if fucking cursed.

Aside from that, no one knows what they are doing. There is only basically me an another teller, the branch is busy as anything the customers like to belittle me, and the customers are nuts to begin with. Get everything from crackheads, to schitzos, to immagrants, to old people that smell really bad. I really dont know what it is about this branch, but it is total chaos and is making a girl go CRAZY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANyway, aside from that a girl has been trying to branch out. Joined the Local BDSM Group The Long Island Ravens, well, this little one seems to be causing an uproar over it because of my age. I told them if they wish me out. FINE will return in 4 months when i turn 21. But for now, have been recieving much support, been invited to a few get togethers, and well who knows what may happen. Its sad though, how everything has to be 21..seems like 20 is the doldrums. too old to be a teen too young to be an adult.

My diet..well hasnt been doing too good. DId lose a total of 8 lbs and now that it is the third week, started going back to carbs, and find myself getting sugar attacks. I Dont want to ruin is, so each time i have carbs i balance it out with plenty of veggies. Broccoli is now becomming my best friend. NEed to incorporate exercise into my diet, and need to continue with the low carbs, trying my best, not easy, but well, started to feel how my clothes are indeed losening up. Speaking of clothes..*SMILES*. I have a little suprise and hopes Master likes it. *giggles* bought myself a black vinyl halter top, with a criss cross victorian type tie system OMG when i put that on not only do i feel like total slut i look it too. SHowed my family how i looked in it with a black skin tight short skirt, grandmother cranked out the holy water, mother just had her mother open in shock, and aunt, walked out of the room *SMILES* that brought a big smile to my face. All i know is the smell, the feel, the ecstacy of putting something like that on, it is like the first thing i want to do is just run over to Master, with it on kneel down before him, and....well you know the rest. *smiles* she really really is happy with it. Aside from that, she also got her three piece lingerie set...oooo..*smiles* makes a girl feel so sexy.

ok well on the bright side, a girl is finally off tommorrow. Needs it off badly. This week has been a fucking NIGHTMARE ACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!! But Congrats to me on a wonderful year.

Feb 4 2001

Well she has been gaining some popularity and knowledge with the LIL&R, dont know why, maybe in her mind trying to get out of the house. Sick and tired of being sheltered. Makes it sound like it is so wrong. But had a nice talk with a few of the members, maybe she will go to the meeting, maybe not. Did cause an uproar over the whole age issue. Maybe that is just what it is, she is a big time attention slut, craving so much attention then when she gets it freaks out. All because she is not getting the attention from the ones she seeks. Love Sucks.

Anyway, talked to Master today, should have been happy, instead was miserable. Feels like failing him in every way because of my age. Sure so quick to point out that he can take his other girls to clubs, and goes through the entire schedule of things she can't go to. Rub it in. Doesn't she think she wants to go to these things. There is so much ache to do with him, and feel experience and explore, yet so fucked up even had to ask him if he even holds her leash. He wouldn't admit it though. See thats the problem she has, working on her own beliefs, because of no admitance. Yet, to hear him say he things about her. That he cares for her, she just broke out into tears. He really does care for me. He really does.

Yet all i feel like doing is defending him, trying to explain to everyone. Talked to one of two of the Master in the group, first thing they asked me was if i am looking to play. Immediately i said NO. Have a Master who a girl is devoted to, just looking for knowledge, answers, and to meet others. Yet the first thing that Master says to me, is that i am going to go out and play with other doms. Damnit. He even had a thought of me being with another one too. well you know something, i had that thought too. Had the thought of being with another with his blessing. Even him watching or participating, knowing that the one who owns me was Him, and he rightfully gave me over to another for use of not only his friends pleasure, but for his own. That is the thought a girl had. Then again, how wicked and cruel she is, actually thinking that He will only truly care for me when i am gone. When he no logner has me at his feet, no logner has me sucking upon his cock, pleasing him, tying me up in his bondage. Is that when he will care for me?? Why am i crying. Such a baby. Master says to breath at times like this, to kneel down and say what a beautiful person i am. well here i am typing this up, kneeling, and starting to feel the strain in my legs, tears flowing down..and..feels so weak

Craves his control. Craves his power, craves him. Why do i have to go through this, week has been hell, dreading to work, but thinking of him, brings such nice thoughts, and the patience i have. but i am really breaking. *sighs* well this week is going to be another week in hell. Cant she just go back to her old branch. oh well, maybe she will go to the bizzare on tuesday, just at least to get out and do something different.

Wed Feb 7 2001

Wow so much has happened the past few days, dont even know where to begin. First off a girl finally got to go out on her own WOO HOO. Went to the LIL&R's fetish bizzare. Almost wasn't even going to make it. Mother promised she was going to take me, then backed out and decided to go out with the family without me instead. That pissed me off a great deal. Left me in such tears, disappointed, and rage. At least my aunt's boyfriend came to the rescue, He took me. Wow, was it interesting. See he is so vanilla it is not even funny, and to bring him to the various tables having him point out the toys, trying them out on him with a wicked little smile. *giggles* One of the Masters even had a laugh being he thought my aunts boyfriend was a slave of a slave..*giggles*

The bizzare was nice though, a few things she was disappointed in,a nd a few things on her mind, but she is so glad she was able to just get out. See a variety of things, and even met face to face a few people. ANd in a way hates to say this but she did it without her Master. Yes she was granted permission from him which even that, we got into a fight about. Well the fight was actually because of her mood swings, and self doubt, but he granted her permission to go, but up until now anything i did within the BDSM Scene has always only been with him. So now was something that she did outside of him. ALthough truthfully would have LOVED for him to be there. Would have loved to be in the position of where my aunts boyfriend was. *giggles* could just imagine him picking up the various floggers, and just teasing a girl..or picking up a length of slave bells wrapping it around her neck, making her chime..*Smiles* awww she is missing Master.

Speaking of Master he implanted a thought deep within her head. the whole idea of peircing. In a way want to get a pericing. Really does. The image of her nipple getting a golden loop through it is not only making me so hot, it is also terrorfying me. I would be putting up my health for him. Knowing that in the past peircings haven't been too good. Even recently getting my ears done, they got infected and closed up. but she has been squeezing her nipples, the thought of her being peirced..OMG it is driving her nuts, and knowing that she will be peirced for him. And even at the bizzare saw wonderful little chains and bells that you wear on nipple rings. little bells, *smiles* I dont know. I am terrorfied of it, and my family will kill me. At the same time want to get it so badly. Don't know

well anyway went to the fetish bizzare which was fun. Work has been really miserable. Getting home in so much pain cant even walk. Been soaking my feet, using bath foot crystals, using special foot lotion, and all i know is they are throbbing in pain and so dry cracked and disgusting. it is driving me crazy. The pain is unbearable. Can't stand my feet to begin with.

Thursday Feb 8

I feel completely empty, lost, devastated, upset, oh god, dont even know where to begin. Should have known. This day began like shit, and just rolled downhill from there. In a way almost feel guilty. Knows it is not my fault. FUCK.

Was at work, we had a meeting after work about a very exciting new breakthrough we are finally getting online banking. I knew i was going to be late after work and was supposed to be doing some telemarketing after work as well but being we had the meeting we cancelled it. Well everyone left, i was left at the bank. Tried calling and calling and calling. No answer. That just pissed me off. Here i am thinking my family goes out, doesnt even bother telling me, leaves me stranded at work. So started walking home. The fucking bank is 8 miles away. I am wearing a very short black skin tight skirt, a jacket barely even worth calling a jacket, and walking in 4 feet of snow considering they didnt shovel the snow and just piled it up against the side walks. With every step slushing through the snow all i could think of is how i just want to get a pericing. The ultimate rebellion and greatest gift i could give to my Master. Letting him peirce his girl, modifying her body for his pleasure. Wearing a constant reminder that she is indeed his. Would prove a lot. Would prove that i am not a fake, i am not a player, i am not a wannabe. I am sacrificing myself knowing that it can possibly get infected, but going to try to not let it get so.

Damnit look at me, didnt even get to the fucking point and even Master tried to get her to focus. The most important thing right now is family obligation. Oh God. My grandmother, was in a car accident. Again. No this isnte the first time this happened. Last was with me. but this is terrible. The care was totalled, she had to be cut out of her car. Was taken away in an ambulence suffering from shock, loss of breath and severe brusing. was in the hospital although released and x-rays show no damage, she has a bruice up and down her body and her arm is badly cut. The car had to be pried opened, her clothing was cut into tatters, even her coat she wore. With all her excercise pins. The president's fitness award, the 3 year anniversery of jazzercise, the 400 club of going to over 400 classes. And now she is a shaking crying mess in pain. She is resting now, choaking, lack of breathing, but i cant even be with her during this time. I have been getting her water, letting her rest, doing anything i could, but i find myself a crying mess. I am not allowed to cry. SHIT FUCK I am crying even more now.

Even Master didnt want me to cry, yet the first thing i thought of was just to call him up. I started crying my eyes out. Even now i am. i have to breath. Thats what it is. After getting off the phone with him, took 10 mins just to kneel and breath, felt soo much better that is why came here to try to write, to document this, but now once again i am a crying mess. He did assure me that it is all right to cry now. Family comes first. But Damnit he cancelled this weekend. Its best he did, but oh god, i just wanted to get out of this place. But he is right. Family First.

NO fucking car. My mother has been driving her car which is over 8 months non inspected with an expired inspection, and has enough problems with it that it will probably conk out any day now. And well the only other car is in the shop as well. Now this car is totalled. Don't even know what to do. HOw am i going to get to work. Its not like the branch i am supposed to be at now which is three blocks away. No i now have to go 8 fucking miles. The good side is that mother is off for a week. but still what i am i going to do??

even called up the DMV today, made an appointment to take the 5 hour driving course. What is the fucking point now. Even i did get my liscense. NO car to take the test, and no car to even drive. This is a nightmare. This really is. And yet life is so precious. I could have lost my grandmother today. My grandmother 71 years old doesnt look a day over 50. Goes to jazzercise every day. Can walk 6 miles with no problem. and has enough energy in her 4'7 body, more then even me. Yet..*sighs*. NOw she is badly bruised, and her arm is cut. Even helped her putting gauze around her arm. Tying it gently with some medical tape. Just trying to help a little bit. But how i fail so much. Such a failure, and greedy me all i can think of is going to Master this weekend. Failed him too. But he's right, family first. And now all i could think of is a peircing. I sit before a mirror, just plucking my nipple, squeezing and pinching it, imagining a tiny little gold hoop, with even a little bell dangling just for him. *sighs*

sat Feb 10,

Well today was my day off. Started out with me going for the 5 hour driving ed course, and test. Worked out well, passed it with no problem and got my certificate which means now can go and take driving test. Only problem is, doesnt have a care to do so. As well as test wont be given for another 3 months since i cant take the march test. Too soon. But well one step closer to getting my liscense.

Grandmother is not doing too good, Her body is badly bruised, we took poloroids of it for insurance purposes. She has been moaning a lot during the night and is in pain. At least she was able to get out a little today. We took her to bingo. I ended up being the big winner. Don't know why i wanted to go tonight, hates bingo, but knew if i didnt go would have been miseraable here online all night. Ended up a good thing because i won a little bit of money. *smiles* that is a plus side, because now have some money for next weekend. Thats if things happened. Didnt get to see Master this weekend, spending time with family is priority, Easing grandmothers sufferering is priority. ALthough she is really upset about loseing the car, my grandmother is actually more upset that she can't return to her daily exercise classes. *shakes head* well have to give her credit. She is a fighter and goes on strong.

Still wishes could see Master, or at least talk to him. Feels so weak, really does. Work is killing me as well. going to be working straight through next week. At least giving me over time and the week after going to get 3 days off. But have to work Saturday. really didnt want to work Sat. Was hoping to be off, is hopping to see Master. is hopping to get the hell out of the funny farm and get back to club med. ACKKKKKKKK She also knows Master isnt home now. *sighs* why does she need just that little bit. Has been thinking a great deal of getting that peircing. But damnit, is terrorfied of it. as well as something like that is so impractical. Cant be done. *sighs* Don't know anymore really don't.

Thurseday Feb 22

Well knows it has been ages since a girl wrote here. A lot has been happening, sure she is not too sure where to begin and frankly is exhausted. should go and take a nap, dont know why she is so tired, but a little confused. Should be focusing on the good and happy things, like Master. Oh well

Well did see Master this weekend and we evaluated a great deal of our relationship, through 126 slave rules. This was a very important part, i feel like i understand so much, And i finally feel like i can truly leave online chat. Call me bad, but well in a way was purposely working on banning myself from every Gor room just so i dont have to go there. Was i disrespectful Hell yeah, however, i was disrespectful in such a way that it respected myself. I am not anyones meat, to be used by anyone. I am not a slave who will throw herself to a mini-Masters feet just for the fact he claims to be a warriror from another planet. I will not submit myself just because a bunch of books says so. I also know thta the horrible realization is that i wasted 4 years of my life in online Gor.But then gain if it wasnt for online, would i have truly found all that i desire now?

so now today got myself banned from yet another room, and think this might be one of the things i have to send Master. He wants to now monitor my conversations, well shouldnt say that, but well, he has given me a valuable gift of free reign over the chat realms and well will admit that i have used it just to talk to people through pager, or play in trivia. Speaking of trivia my score is really getting up there. Hmm hopefully soon enough i can be opped. but that is going to take a LONG time.

Well work is...blaah..today is actually my day off and should be taken advantage of it, well is, just relaxing, did sleep in very late, and may go back to take a nap, feel utterly drained, and just tired. Cant stand being at the branch anymore but good news is i am out of there monday. WOO HOO, then i go back to my other branch and looks like going back there is going to be me walking there every day. I dont know, it is going to be so different going back. Just when i get settled although miserably into one place, has to be pushed to another place. But back to my own favorite branch.

Been doing breathing exercises every day. Been helping ag reat deal. Ever day or when i feel down i go to the middle of the floor, sometimes naked sometimes now, and just close my eyes focusing on my breathing. A deep breath in, holding it for the beating of my heart, and then exhale. I have found that it has been helping me kneeling for a longer period of time, as well as helping my breath.

Well sad thing is fnding myself talking to a 19 year old girl who doesnt know a thing about sex. Dont know why she found me. But, pmmed me because of my profile, and when she found out i am only 20 she couldnt believe that i am so much mroe knowledgeable then her. My thing is..should i answer her questions. See if i answer them at least i know i am giving her some great advice, if i didnt give it to her someone else will, and might not be the advice she needs. But yet here i find myself not only getting very annoyed, wanting to help her. I used to do this all the time. Help others in their search, help girls find their own joys, and always helping them. And then i could sit back watch how they grow, and just smile. Yet, i look at myself when i go seeking help and answers in Gor, just to find some help, and no one helps me. All they want to do is use me, cyber me, or belittle me because i am "not as slave" as they are. I am a slave. I know i am. I am just not an online slave. I can never be. I can never go back to that. Its like i crossed a threshold thati could never go back to. Question is why in my heart do i feel the need to go back. I hated online, i hate being that kajira. Yet I am it. That is who i am real life. At least i like to think i am. I am my Masters slave. Yet i was told that i am a disgrace. Well maybe i am, all because i grew out of the very thing i love. *shrugs*

Ok i know this was a short month,,but going on to March diary hopefully will be written in more

Move onto March 2001

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