June 2000

June 1, (thurs)

well new month a new beginning..and already may not be turning out so good. This morning dont ask me why i woke up with a panic attack. The fear of death was so strong it just made me so sick. I just didnt want to get up and out of bed..and took me forever to. I just wanted to stay wrapped warm within my bed and remain in peace. But i dont know what it was..i just was terrorfied. Was almost like death, the vile pugent feeling of death was around me. But i had to get up and go to work. And in taking my morning shower..i was actually in tears completely...crying my eyes out. That is no way to be starting the morning out..and work wasnt that good either...customers where bitching like anything and cursing me out..*sighs*..i am just a casheir didnt do anything good. But they insisted on using me as the bad guy...GEEZE it makes me feel so useless..i bust my ass pleasing them all..and to have them say to me that i am nasty unfriendly..that really hurts..I always keep a smile..always is happy is kind, curteous and respectful..they are all Sir or Ma'am..and i go out of my way for them..and they have to treat me like SHIT.

i have to realize..of course i am going to be treated as such..i have a shitty job..shitty pay..and what can i say.just existing right now. I know it is me..i am tired...burnt out..These long hours are killing me..and i am not getting any credit for it..I am tired..My mother even said that my face is pocketed, tired, rings under my eyes..and even have grey hair sprouting up..*sighs*..that is depressing to be seeing grey hair on my beautiful mane..

Well at least the gym is partially fufilling..had a little girl sitting in my lap..she had a nasty fall and BANG her head went crashing into the chair..saw the whole thing..even i had to cringe..but just to hold her, sooth her..calm her down within my arms..giving her all the love and warmth..i realized that she soothed me as well..just that comfort within the hug..cradiling her gently as i hummed a sweet melodic tune..it was wonderful..then she eventually fell asleep in my lap..only 3 years old..leaning back in my arms asleep..Do you know not only how much trust that takes to have a stranger do so..but also the love, compassion..warmth..makes me feel that i am special. It was nice..but you know something no matter how much i love kids and adore them..I truly dont want any for myself. In fact i will probably end up not having any at all.

Last night at the castle firth meeting..well have to admit it bombed..but even then i just didnt want to leave..for some reason i just wanted to stay and talk to my dearest friend..but yet i couldnt bring myself to..He even asked me at one point..what was wrong..but i felt ashamed, silent..almost in tears as well..for i feel i used him too many times. He has been there for me always..whenever i had questions for him he was always there to answer them for me. ANd to repay him for that i am helping him with his site..but even in that..he mastered HTML..an almost no longer needs me..although did help him with a flame background last night..in fact consentrated on that..rather then the meeting..couldnt really do the meeting at all...was disappointing.

well at least for a few moments i was able to speak to Master this evening..he seems to be doing good..has a party to go to...but..dont ask me why i just started crying talking to him..i dont know..i must be overly sensitive this evening..but i just was completely crying at saying the simplest things..and just imagined myself right there with him..within his arms..kissing him gently as the tears fall down my cheeks..and having him just kissing the watery sadness away with a gentle warm kiss...I really do miss him.

June 2 Fri

well today started out bad..think it is true i am completely burnt out at work..i was at K-mart and it was up to one point where the stress was just too much that i couldnt take it..was almost practically in tears. I couldnt even lift up my head in pride...normally my head is up but out of respect eyes always lowered..o0(plus too busy consentrated on scanning..have to use a gun rather then just sliding it across)..but today my head was lowered completely almost to the point i was in tears..why..because the manager yelled at me for no reason at all..it was busy as hell...customers were giving me a hard time..it is hot as anything and the overall tension of the store was at a height....it just really upset me greatly..However..my attitude changed 100% in going to work at the gym..*smiles*. I held little anthony a nine month old doll..awww he is sooo cute..and to hold him..have him within my arms..rocking him and singing to him a sweet lullabye..awww it was just too cute..

But the truth is..i am tired..really tired..and not only exhausted..but it is getting too much almost as if i am just not acknowledged any more. *giggles* i even had a stupid fight with a troll who came into the Forest and just treated me like dirt..but i put him in his place..*giggles*..Speaking of the Forest..have to admit it turned into a wonderful room. There are great topics..i am getting to meet the most wonderful of people..and overall it is just a great room. I am talking again, learning from others and getting new ideas..as well as doing something i havent done in about a year..Helping. It seemed like when i lost AJ i gave up on helping others and became cold. Now although maybe this as well almost a futile cause..maybe just maybe i am helping someone out there genuinely...who knows.

As a Final note..*smiles*..i submitted a photo to my friends little photo contest at Castle Firth..*giggles*..he is so funny at times..but i sent him one of the first bondage pics i have ever seen..a full body karada that even when i see it gets me all hot and wet..*smiles*..but seriously..that was the first pic i ever did see..and to see the detail the expression It just to me is a great pic..So i sent it in..who knows what may happend..*shrugs*..but the picture means a lot to me.

June 3 (Sat)

*giggles*..I have to say i work at a FUCKING Circus Zoo act..i am just shocked out of my mind at the shit that happened today to me..i wonder how the hell i am even sane.....o0(umm no comment on the sanity part). Well lets see aside the fact that i was pissed off from last night..which i will explain a little later..going to work upset didnt help. I was tired, drained, pale and just overall burnt out..In fact when i walked into work to punch in..even my Manager took one look at me and said i looked like shit. *shakes head*..I know i did. Well anyway..i had a race incident on my hands because a black woman cut in front of everyone because she had to get one item..but was on line to begin with...then i had spanish people try to jip be and sneaked items in the back pack they were buying.. I will admit because they put the box stuffing in the back packs which makes it difficult to place stuff inside i normally dont check..but something told me to check..and sure enough they tried to cheat me out of items....But wait it gets worst...later on...i was on the express line 12 items or less..how difficult is that..12 items..but 3 customers in a row had at least 70 items in their cart..and was bitching that they have been waiting on my line and i should serve them..*sighs*..i told the manager who just "i cant take this shit" and walked off in front of the customers to the garden shop...I had to take them anyway...one order came out to $359 another $275 and another for $197..bear in mind this is fucking K-Mart we are talking about and for orders to be in that price range they had a mad load of fucking things in their cart..and then they have the NERVE to say that no one should be bitching about standing on this line when the people with 12 items or just even 1 item came to the line. *shakes head*..*giggles*.and if you think that is bad..it just gets worst..Had a lady...REFUSE for me to take care of her unless i washed my hands..she was bitching about the uncleanliness of the person before her..who had money in her mouth..and also bitched about the items i touched saying she doesnt want them now that i touched them..Honestly i should have told the bitch to get the fuck off my line and refuse to serve her..but just the idea of how shocked i was. Luckily at the time i didnt feel degraded or anything...but come to think of it..she would have made anyone feel like shit on the floor for the way she acted...but at least it gave me a few mins to calm down..i was laughing my ass off that the fact i actually had to close my line to wash my hands...my Manager even thought she was a bitch..because..i forgot to take the items off that she refused..OOPS..she just caught me completely off guard that she didnt want me serving her..that when i scanned the items..and she didnt want them..i forgot to take them off. *SIGHS..these people*..Oh..if you think that is bad..it gets worst. It is closing time..about 9:55 have only 5 mins left in the store..and we have a deaf person who is the cart boy..he cant hear a thing and can bearly talk..all of a sudden he runs across the front register shouting..FLLLLAAAAAHHHHHHMES...FLLLLLAAAAAAAAAm.turns out he was trying to say FLAMES. There was a fire in the cafe...The smell was unbareable..it was making me sick.. The belt on the aircondition burnt out and the rubber was burning..i felt like i was about to pass out..and the code "CAROLINE GREEN" was screamed out which means evacuate the store..people are bitching that they want there items..one lady screamed at the poor domestics girl because she was not leaving until she got her blender. Mean time they got all the customers off to the front end..didnt evacuate the store..but as a precautionary measure...however..we only had 3 casheirs in the store..who even knew how to do casheiring...all the department help is doing the bagging for us..as the customers are bitching.AHHHHHH just makes me want to scream..Then i had this guy freak out on my saying "SURE let the customers burn down in here..you dont give a damn about anyone but our money..You keep on ringing and we can all die" now add the commotion the seriousness..the fact that i feel sick from the fumes almost about to pass out..SHIT..this day was from HELL. *SIGHS*...

now to top this all off..i wanted so badly to talk about what happened last night..but compared to this shit..last night is almost futile..but will say it anyway. I was with Master in the room and although i was a little upset..mainly for the fact i miss him so much but almost because..i dont know..i am burnt out completely. I just love him so much from the bottom of my heart..but makes me wonder if the same thing that happened with AJ, with Donavin is going to happen between us..because..i myself am noticing that it is no longer a dream..i am not saying it isnt..*smiles*..because just thinking of him lights my world up..but it is a fear i have within. Well anyway to get to my point.. a slave walked in...and when she did i just turned into rage..there was anger, hate, a fierce cruelty within me..it was so bad that i just blew up completely...She was wearing Tameraults collar. The initial TA. even i whom adored him, loved him...almost was going to meet him real life for him to truly take me and use me at his whim...the girl who at one time he actually admited he loved me he gave his personal collar out. *sighs*..Thinking about it now is upsetting me. To see his personal collar on another...sylvi, lori, me..we never were good enough for him..but he gave it to jahilya..*sighs* It was almost like he dugg the knife in deeper..twisting the blade within my already blood soaked heart..and he had the last laugh..and because i blew up at her..he will know that he added more torment to my life. *sighs* I lost control..I failed. And in seeing her like that I know i failed. I was a failure and she proved it. I still think about Donavin at times..but last night was just the ultimate kicker..and had to be done with Master..it was like nothing he said could calm me down with my emotions. I blew up completely.

Master did allow me to just go all the way and release that exceess..no restrictions, no stopping..just go all the way and rest...Well that was just it..i took my anger and frustrations out on myself..I was almost cruel to myself..although i will admit because i knew of the intensity of how i was feeling i didnt do any type of penetration..but in masterbating did it so feirociously that i even made my clit and nipples so sore that they are now even slightly bruised. I just really did a number on myself..and when it was over..being nakid drenched in sweat my heart racing away..the shuddering weakness through me..as i slowly went into a deep sleep..rather then feeling better..my last emotion was shame..shame that i felt this way..and shame of what i did to myself..shame that i acted that way to poor jahilya who had no idea who i was. I took it out on her because of her Master..not because of who she is. But then again i dont remember anything else..because i blacked out to sleep..and didnt wake up till it was time to go to work this morning..and will say i woke up like shit. *SIGHS*.

almost like a vicious loop that is how my day went..and sick part is..tommorrow is another one..another long day. Will i be able to survive tommorrow?..I hope so..but all i know is..i need another job. I need to redo something in my life..needing to break the monotamy of it..and just stop existing.

June 4 and 5 (Sun and Mon)

I leave for one day and all hell brakes loose. I thought just for once i can stay off line..just for one time spend time with my family..in fact had a wonderful evening after a long exhausting day at work playing a game with my mother. It has been such a long time since i truly had a night of just the two of us spending time together. Although i did come home at 11:00 pm and was exhausted for work..i got out "13 dead end drive" and played it. We had fun killing the people off to try to figure out who would inherite grannies fortune. Sick game if you ask me..but was fun. However while i was off line for a change..it seems online is where i should have been. Someone called out for me for help and i wasnt there. I wasnt there when he could have probably needed a shoulder to lean on..or someone to talk to..but when i confronted him today..he just pushed me aside as said talk to mystic. *sighs* i will admit i haven't spoken to her in weeks..if anything a quick hello. mystic used to be a really good friend of mine..*sighs*..but who am i kidding? I trusted her with the most intimate of details about myself..trusting her..because i liked her..now it is like we cant even be in the same room. but is that the case..or is it just the guilt of things she said to me..and how i feel about her within that is making me not want to be with her. I really thought we were good friends but now it just hurts for me to see her. Then again i talked to another friend of mine..and i dont know what to say..but he saw the sarcasm right away..not that i was trying to be..but i lost everything once again..and i dont know how to find it back..*sighs*.

i am not going to get on a depression fix about myself..but do have some news.....whispering petal...died..she was one whom i could have called friend..but most of all it is hard on those like Knight, mystic ect. petal and i really werent that close..we talked here and there..but maybe this sounds heartless..but i dont know what to say. I am just sorry that i have to see Knight upset. What can i say about Knight i adore him completely. He is the only one whom i trust more then anyone. We have a special relationship..and now..*sighs*..dont ask me why i seem to be tearing up just thinking about it..He has done so much for me..has helped me through the worst of times..has answered every single question no matter how outlandish i ever asked him. and most of all he was always there for me. Even when i didnt realize it..and thought he turned his back on me..he was always there. But to see him upset like this..he really adored petal. but now she is gone. Death has struck the only thing is i didnt know it until now.

damnit i am crying...*sighs*..i have been very emotional lately..i think it is truly that i am burned out completely these long days are killing me. I couldnt sleep at all last night..was totally exhausted..but ended up watching the time pass by..and before i knew it..had to get up and go back to work. And waking up..every bone, muscle, everything hurt on me..was stiff, tight, sore. I woke up exhausted...and i still am.

there is good news to my story..while at work..a customer was so impressed by the way i handled things she offered me a job...now i dont know if it is legit or not..but either tommorrow or wed i am going for an interview there..it is for a luggage company...i dont know..i just have to get the hell out of K-Mart..but i need a job that has benifits and good pay..i cant be working my ass off for 60 hours a week and not even getting benifits, days off, or anything. *SIGHS*.....but i am going to be searching for a job. needs to.

one final note befor i call this day quits on the journal. I am going to the dr's tommorrow..something tells me i am not going to like the news i hear..but i am going for a physical. I do hope everything turns out all right. my benifits run out at the end of the month and if anything is wrong..i am screwed.

June 6 (Tues)

well today was supposed to be my day off..but was ended up running all around from place to place. Right now i can admit i am exhausted and in a little bit of pain..OWIE. I went to both the dr and the dentist today for a long overdue check-up. My insurance is going to be running out by the end of this month so if anything is wrong trying to squeeze it all in now.

The Doctor seemed to yell at me pushing about my weight..*SIGHS*..i know my weight is a problem..that is nothing new..but for the first time i never realized that i can be obese. I always thought i was fairly large but also muscular, big boned and big framed. Sure probably ever "fat" person can blame their bone structure on their weight...but i never considered myself to be obese. WEll the doctor made sure that she drummed it in my head. She made me almost feel like i am dirt, that i am nothing. It was like she didnt care about anything else. Was it concern or just cruelty. But all i know it just totally depressed me. I will lose weight..and knowing me..if i put my mind to it..can do it. But..as a celebration so to speak of my depression sort of ate like a pig today..then again..was indeed a day off..and time that i can spend with my mother for a change. Cant remember truly when the last day was we just spent together. ALthough we both spent it going to the doctors.

The dentist on the other hand..different story...and that is one of the reasons i am in pain. My teeth are fine..except i will need 4 refillings done on teeth that was done when i was a child..which is going to all be done next tuesday...but other then that..my teeth are fine..except my gums..It seems i have early dectection of what could lead into gum disease..HOWEVER...it was caught in time..and she is giving me a special medication that i have to take nightly to stregthen my gums. In fact it was pathetic..as she was cleaning them..the blood was just completely gushing out..was a mess. I told her my gums were sensitive..but i didnt think she realized the extent..all i know is..when i rinsed out my mouth..had to do so 10 times..because the water was just all blood..completely red. But now..my teeth are just throbbing a bit..and eating really didnt help..had a big dinner...i know my bad..but they are really hurting me.

Tommorrow i may be going for the job..actually i really dont know..I do need some form of work..and i should be getting a resume together..but i dont know..not only am i tired..i have no ink in my printer..so would be kind of pointless to spend time working on it if i cant even print it. But..i cant keep existing at the jobs i am in now..it is pathetic..and i am really burning out. This day today was nothing but appointments and work..*SIGHS* i need a decent job..with benifits..and a good salary..i am not asking for much..maybe it is too much..but just something that i can survive on...even if it is only $250 a week i will be happy..for that is what i am making now..only thing is..*SIGHS*..now i work 60 hours with no benifits or nothing..and i work very hard just for that money. Its not healthy i am burning myself out completely.

Finally..well actually what is there to say..i miss Master. Always miss him..and just need a little comfort knowing he is there..maybe it is true i do ask for too much..but i just want to know everything is all right.....ummm...ok..do have one more thing to say..because it just popped into my head. It seems 2 years ago i did start a submission journal..only 3 pages..and left it to rot..I found it once again..and in reading just 3 pages of an innocent life. I realized my how i changed. In fact even in these daily ones you can see the difference. But to see the change from two years ago till now..i cant believe that i ever wrote those things down on paper. I will of course..not be revealing the contents of that in this site. Dont ask me why..maybe it is a locked part of my past..however..those pages did give me an idea..and i do have some use for them. I want to start delving into my talent for writing. Who knows what would happen..but they gave me an idea to start that "novel" i always wanted to. Truth is i did sort of start 3 novels..most i ever gotten was 40 pages into it..then pushed it off to the side..abandoning it completely along with my hopes and dreams..but maybe just maybe i can finally fufill that one dream i have..of completing a long epic novel.

June 7 and 8 (wed and thurs)

I know my bad..sort of skipped wed..but was too busy at the Castle Firth meeting..ooo good topic..that i really didnt have time to write here..although soo much has happened dont know where to begin..*smiles*

well my father came over..and spend tues and wed with my mother and i..although have to admit he was more like a cheufer for us..*giggles*..I rarely have days off..and being they gave me both tues and wed off...took advantage of it..and did the things i needed to do. But wed..they were having open house at the bank..giving interviews and testing. Well being i do need to start looking for another job..that is full time that offers benifits..i decided to go in..wouldnt hurt me..so i got all dolled up in a executive number..a short black skirt white blouse..make up jewlery..the works..and have to say..i Looked GOOD..*Smiles*..in fact..when i went shopping at K-mart looking for a few things i needed..not only did my fellow co-workers were shocked..was getting cat calls and whistles from the spanish..*giggles*..but treated myself nice..looked good and bought myself a nice pair of sun glasses ready to take over the world. *smiles*.anyway..i went for the job..and talked to the woman...i almost died when they told me what the starting salary is..and the benifits they offer..Well considering i make meisely pennies..and work 2 jobs..over 60 hours a week..having a 40 hour work week..with medical, dental, and life insurance benifits.and everything else...sounded good..but there was a catch..had to take a test..I wasnt prepared to take a test at all..in fact my mother and father were even in the car waiting for me. So i excused myself for a few mins..ran outside to tell my family that the test is going to take an hour or so..can you come back..but when i told them how much they would offer me..and the benifits..they said..GO FOR IT..*smiles*.

so i sat down and took the test...i thought i was going to die...it was so hard..and they even said it..you are not going to finish it....the first part was math test..really hard math..they gave you about 100 questions and only 3 mins to answer..of course i didnt finish..in fact thought i bombed it. The next one was speed and accuracy they gave you a name and you had to see if it matched the other one or not..*giggles*..i went through 2 and a half pages in three mins..o0(damn i knew i was fast :))..and the third part was to match up dollar figures ammount..i dont know how..i zipped right through that finishing it..in time..*giggles*..all three pages. Well anyway..at the testing they said they would get back to me in 2 weeks. Well i shrugged it off..2 weeks..that is a long time..and that probably means they wont get back to me at all..*sighs*..thought it was just another thing that didnt work out for me.......BUT.. *SMILES*..i got a call today..YES..the next day..they called me today saying that i did so well on the exam..and that my personality and psychology testing came out so well that they want to give me a second interview tommorrow at 10 am..WOO HOO..I have a CHANCE. I am so happy..if i get this job..it will be sooo good..working for a federal bank?..YIPPIE. Ok..now before i give my hopes up there are downsides to this. that would mean i have to quit my job at the nursery. It is true you probably want to smack the hell out of me...geeze..i have been at a job for 1 year..never got a raise..was turned down for the raise..plus..making a shitty pay of $5.15 an hour...It is about time i left the gym..but i love it there so much. To see the childrens faces..to hold the babies..to play with them...in fact..even tonight..had little anthony again..and feeding him cheerios..watching the delight in his eyes..the wonderment..and cradling him within my arms..i had a permanant smile on my face. Then agian..i have to also look at the fact..it was a rough night very busy..had 14 kids runing around all by myself...and they were causing a ruckus..and i only made a $4.00 tip. Now that is pathetic..*sighs*..if i get the job at the bank..i have to leave both K-Mart and the gym..not going to be easy..but i must..but oh the bank offers so much for me..and the pay is almost 2x the ammount i am making now. and the benifits..*smiles*..please..i pray i get this job...i need those medical benifits..considering..my ben runs out June 30. That is one of the reasons i am getting so much work done these next two weeks..Just to squeeze in what i can before my benifits run out..

do have to say i was able to see Master before the meeting last night..*smiles*..misses him so much and he knows exactly what to say to make me smile..especially since i had bad news to tell him..well at least..was telling him what the drs said about me..and the results of the checkups i went to..it sort of upsetted me a bit..but he knew how to turn it around to make me feel better..*smiles*..god i love him so much..he is so good to me..and i hope he comes on soon..he said he would be on tonight..and i just need to see him..talk to him..be with him. *smiles just having him on my mind* but i will see him...shortly..*smiles*.

June 9 Fri

I dont know whether to cry or be relieved..but do know one thing right now i am relaxing and taking my time. I just came back from work..it actually took me an hour and 45 mins to walk home the 6 miles. All i know is i am NEVER doing that again. I will have to say i totally panicked. I thought i was stronger emotionally, physically..but i couldnt take it. It was almost i was a magnet for rape or something..i realize it now it was a combination of things..what i was wearing, how i walking..and the route as well. *SIGHS*. Everyone under the sun was trying to pick me up...I had so many people stop to give me a lift. It is one thing to be friendly and curteous to a hitchiker..but when you have cars filled with sleazy spanish, or drunken truck drivers, or just degenerate people trying to pick you up when you are not even interesting or giving any type of indication of hitching..then that is bad news. In the back of my mind..i kept hearing a little voice in my head kept saying.."you are going to be raped, kidnapped, killed". With all the messed up things that have been happening especially around here..hell my teacher in grade school was raped and killed while jogging not too long ago. The point is..i needed to get home..and needed to get home fast. I was walking fast, pumping away..and just seemed like home was just to far away. *sighs*...I thought the walking would do me good, being what the doctors said and all..but i never thought i would be targeted for catcalls, whistles, and just in general those trying to pick me up. It makes me wonder am i that desirable??? The same thing in a virtual sense happens here in yahell and online..but the difference is..they dont see me for me..they only see me through my thoughts, actions, and words..and many men find that overly desirable to the point where i have tons of guys wanting to collar me. Am i boasting about that..No..i think it is sick...and it is a bad reflection on the way things are..why would anyone even want me i think to myself. But then that is just it..All this time..i always saw myself as the hideous, undesirable, miserable one. It was always me..who because of torment and others cruelty towards me..i always thought it was me who was the reason for everything. But after the long walk this evening..as well as watching beauty and the beast at work..It almost made me realize..it was me this whole time. I saw myself as nothing but a beast and failed to realize that i am not. No wonder everyone was trying to pick me up...I am a hot looking woman. Although large..and the doctors will even lable me obese..I am curvacious, beautiful, great smile, wonderful cheery person, overal pleasant to be around..i am indeed beautiful. And that is why i am the target for this type of harrassment. As i look at what i even wore today..DAMN..it was almost as if i was begging for attention and i didnt even realize it. I was wearing a short tight fitting shorts which accentuated my muscular legs..a white cotton tight blouse with a low neck line that not only accentuated the cleavage it framed my hips and curves..and to top it off..had my hair in a sporty up-do and cool shades leaning against my hair..o0(was walking away from the sun so didnt need the glasses). Damn ...i looked good...and it didnt occur to me the dangers in walking or taking such an undertaking..i mean 6 miles on a commercial road..with miles of wooded isolated areas in between. As well as the fact that i started my treck at 7:45 and it just kept getting darker, and darker and darker..until the point it was pitch black about the time i got home. Speaking of getting home...i just came home and collasped in tears..took me a while to calm down, replenish the dehydration and loosen up my stiff muscles which were burning to the point my skin was red as a lobster..o0(i know built up of lactic acid..sighs..i need to get back in shape) but why did i torment myself with those thoughts..now i just have a really bad headache..but to be thinking about being raped, killed,,,then have these sleazy guys try to pick me up..One guy was arabian or something and refused to take NO for an answer..he was following me,,and kept coaching me on.."come on baby..let me give you a ride..come on..."..*shudders*.that just gives me the whillies. It gets even worst..not only was the fear getting within me..so was my inner desires. *shakes head* I even had a guy on a motorcycle try to pick me up..wanted me to hop on the back he would take me home..NO WAY to that one. But in my sick demented thoughts i was wondering what if i did hop on the back..straddling the seat as i lean up against his back..my arms wrapping around his body...and teasingly working my way lower...ACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK...this is a complete stranger i am talking about..and to be getting thoughts like that..is frightening. All i know is that i just kept walking and walking..and between my mind telling me i am going to get raped and my mind racing away with evil wicked thougths..i realized not only am i emotionally and physically exhausted. I am horny!!!!

ok..on to lighter subjects for a moment..I did go for the second interview with that job today..*crosses fingers*..they did say that they have other applicants they need to interview as well..and they will get back to me within a week. *SIGHS*..i thought the interview went really really well..and i kept a smile..but why do i have a feeling i was turned down. I dont know. I had such high hopes for it..But who knows..i may just get it..but i am keeping my hopes up...but all i know is..i am at the point where i need to get the hell out of K-Mart...do you know i went there today to do a little shopping and they had the nerve to ask me if i wanted to work..ACKKKK..on my day off they wanted me to work. Now that may seem like a good thing..that they would give me overtime..but i am exhausted..cant be doing more hours and aside from that..told them i had to go to my other job..so couldnt work. *sighs*..but i am getting to the point of just saying K-Mart is getting me sick.

Finally will say one thing..talked to Master yesturday..we were both exhausted unfortunately..but i do miss him greatly..he knows just what to say and how to make me feel so good..*smiles*..i love him dearly..and hopes that something can be done about our schedules..but do wish he would call, write..something..even email would be nice..but just as i am not online as much..neither is he.

June 10, Sat

Well interesting enough..i dont really know what to say..nothing happpened today. Work was work..same old same old..and i worked all day. It was very hot..very tiring..and i just cant take my job anymore. Am i upset..no..just well..nothing really happend.

will say that i experimented with something special ..i have an aromatherepy kit..have to say..love those special things for the body..but one of the things i have is a pepermint chamomile scented foot lotion to sooth and relax tired muscles...well there is a little story of pepermint..*giggles*..i tried it in other more sensitive places....WOO HOO..have to say that was a BIG turn on...much more pleasant feeling, and aroma then say..altoids..but it provided not only a wonderful lubrication, scent..but it was overall a tingly heated experience...used it for both vaginal and anal orifices?...o0(damn doesnt that sound so scientific..aww what the hell might as well say it..I used it in my pussy and ass and had a great time..giggles) Call me crazy..but i like experimenting trying new things..makes me feel like i am actually doing something. Which does remind me..i got into an interesting discussion with another Master...primarily speaking of my own Master..i dont know..sometimes..talking to others makes one see things clearly..and i was talking to him..about the times where i feel almost like i want to be abused. It is those times when my emotions are at a height, if i fear, scared, happy...those times when the balance is off..is when i feel the need to be used. I dont know if that is a positive or negative thing..but taking a look at what i wrote about being raped and stuff..proves to me about that a little bit. I was also thinking about asking Master for more "control"..but by doing that..who would then be the one in control?..i asked myself this a few times..but in his ways is where i follow..he is the Dominant..i am his sub...i have made the choice....but in that choice..is it me..who yearns to lead at times?

*giggles*..it is too late for these psychological rhetorical debates with myself..but it did give me something to type about..*smiles*..all in all everything is well..still misses Master greatly..and knows that these hours are killing me. so..with that..sign off for now..and maybe tommorrow something new and exciting will happen.

June 11 Sun

Well today was a long day..just came back from work and seemed that is all i did today..The customers were nuts, the tension was high..the heat was unbearable..and i am just left exhausted. Getting to the point where i cant take my job. There were a lot of problems today..and you know..i dont even want to relive and talk about them..just glad this day is OVER. *crosses fingers..PLEASE have the bank call me up..please let me get that job..i need to get the fuck out of k-mart*

You know honestly..i really dont know what to say...i am just tired..misses Master...am a little bit horny..and have to say abeen taking advantage of pleasure..*smiles*..doing some nice fun things..and going all the way..WOO HOO :) but other then that..nothing to say..so going to leave this as a short one.

June 12, Sun

Well today was yet again a LONG and exhausting day..even was a bad one too..although not busy..i had a customer who terribly demeaned me, yelled at me and faught with me. Telling me that i am rude, disrespectful, have an attidude problem...i was shaking like anything..i work too hard..and is too nice to have people saying that to me. That just ruined my whole day and i was almost in tears because of it. Desparately i am waiting for word on the job at the bank..but i dont know if i will get it..but i do know they are doing some heavy duty background checking on me..*crosses finger*..i hope i get it..PRAYS.

well last night was i dont know whether to call it tragic or interesting. Talked to my MOMH..*smiles*..stands for mommy of my heart..a truly wonderful submissive..that at one time i loved and cared for completely..i know that sounds unfair..but i let myself detach from her almost completely..even to the point i lost contact with both her and her husband. There was so much that happened....and yet i detached myself away from them..being the selfish one..although i did get to talk to her a little bit..i truly wonders how she feels. But for some reason it was after talking to her..that i started thinking of AJ. And that just brought me to tears.

I havent spoken to AJ in 7 months...since November..we parted our ways..never even saying a hello or anything..and in this time i can honestly say..I LOVE HIM. He is still in my heart completely..and thinking about him last night..the tears just flooded my eyes..o0(GOD in fact right now i feel them comming on as well)..i dont know why..but i just cried my eyes out. And i even got out the one letter he send to me..couldnt bear to read it..and didnt even dare try to..but clutching onto his picture last night..thinking of the wonderful times we had..the long nights where he was there for me..talking away. I lost everything when i lost AJ..and he didnt abandon me..he didnt just run off and give me up..No..it was a mutual decision..we couldnt last together forever. I seeked real life..he couldnt give that to me..Yet again..look where i am..still seeking real life..and so far i got no where. But the memory of him still lives strong in my heart. In fact..i thought i forgot him..thought i could never mention his name and it wouldnt matter..but truth is..it does matter. And seems that now with the Castle Firth..and everyone finally recognizing me..that light is back..for that all light was...light was always only known as AJ's light..i was always with AJ...damit i was his for 14 months. That is a life time here..o0(oh shit i am really crying now) *takes a deep breath relaxing a bit*

The truth is..AJ will always be in my heart forever. We both said it to each other..that what we had will NEVER be forgotten in our lives..and the truth is..it wont be. ~wipes the tears away~..Now i have Master..i almost even left AJ once for him..but then it just didnt work out. The funny thing is..after reading parts of my diary i have to laugh reading Feb 12 entry. The face from the past was indeed my Master now. I said in feb that he could never be my Master too much of a romanticist.yet look at me now..wearing his collar..and his. But i will never truly be his..until we are face to face..and he can truly put a collar on me. Its sad but true. It is almost as if i am giving up on the online medium for good. I havent been in the rooms in about 3 weeks or so..in fact i dont know..i just been staying away from the rooms completely..dont remember the last time i went in. I have detached myself from even more of my friends..and going to leave it as be. Many have called me a cold hearted bitch..maybe that is true..for if i get too close to someone i close up completely..and rather walk away then get even closer..I rather have the pain of having no one..then having the pain of being rejected. *sighs softly*

It seems tonight it is going to be another night like last night...couldnt sleep because was thinking of AJ and crying..and now..*sighs*..still crying..i dont even know why the hell i am crying. I am not upset at all..but truthfully i think i am burned out completely. I am exhausted. I have to get the hell out of my Job..it is killing me.

June 14 Tues

I dont know where to begin...first off i am in terrible pain..OWIE..my mouth is killing me. I went to the dentist..and they had to do 6 fillings...got 4 shots of novicane..and they filled 6 teeth...all i know is my mouth is completely throbing and killing me. But i do have some good news...although i dont know if it is good or not..because the way i reacted to it..either was the drilling pain and medician or my emotions are really out of wack.

maybe now it just didnt sink it..because i am too out of it..but i am happy as anything..but also in tears and inner turmoil..I got the job at the bank...for the first time in my life..i truly got a job on my own..no help no nothing..and it was a job..that required so much out of me...and is going to require even more..but i got it. I passed the math tests, passed the psychological test...i even went through 2 interviews..and i did it.. I start in 2 weeks. I actually am now going to be a full time employee with benifits galour...so then why do i feel so upset..

i was at work..and giving in my 2 weeks notice..i was at that job for a year..sure that doesnt seem like a long time..but in that year..i have made some wonderful friends, have learned to let out the inner child, play and have fun almost seemingly like i found the childhood i lost..I got into Pokemon, beanie babies and ever single cartoon.there is...and most of all to watch the kids grow..watch how they change..and to just see the joy in there eyes..i even had little keith..he is a doll..one of my favorite kids..and to hear him finally say my name which is almost impossible for little kids to say..to hear him mouth out with a beaming smile MELANIE...helwwo melanie...or goodbwye melani..you know how little kids have that "w" sound with everything..just brought me to tears..i just had to hold him in my arms giving him a big hug and a kiss..yet he had no idea that by next week he wont see me anymore. *CRIES* i know i am feeling sorry for myself..but i never realized how much i loved that job..but i cant stay there for $5.15 an hour..i could never survive there. And here i am sitting here crying hysterically and dont even know why the fuck i am..Dont know if it is just the pain the drugs..or what..This is so frustrating. I should be jumping for joy..this is a dream come true job..have benifits..going to be making double of what i make now..not strenuous or a long week.....but here i am crying. *shakes head with a sigh*..

tommorrow it is going to be even harder..have to give in my 2 weeks notice to Kmart as well...i should just do like everyone else does and walk the fuck out of that place and never look back. But i dont want to jeopardize the other one. So i am going to hold it out..stick with it..even though the customers demean me..my boss tries to do anything to put me down..and the stress hours and overall work is too much. So tommorrow i give in my notice...and suffer for 2 weeks. SIGHS..why is this so hard for me..i should be so happy. My family was so happy as well..they even bought an ice cream cake that said Congratulations melanie your the best!!..this is going to be sooo good for everything..and i can finally get back on my feet with the bills and everything..but yet here i am crying my eyes out....

i need sleep that is what it is..i am exhausted in pain..and i cant even think anymore..i was in a room with a Master friend.a.nd i just wanted to blow up on everyone and say why the fuck am i hear..they should all go to hell..but i didnt i just left the room...and now talking to his little one..i am a cold hearted bitch..cant even talked to her..or go to them..those who can comfort me...i cant even admit to them..that i am upset or a wreck..*sighs*..my tear stained pillow will be my comfort along with my pikachu.

June 14, 15 (wed thurs)

Seems each week with the castle meeting i get so entraped with the topics..that i lose site of the fact i forgot my journal entry..*giggles*..but alot has happened the past two days. The Castle meeting...well i wish yahell worked a little better..seems there was a Danger Will Robinson problem..and the wed night curse was back..and although the group was very small..have to say it was meaningful until a certain pair had to come in the room and ruin it. *sighs*. Masterbation is not an easy topic to discuss..it is a personal, embaressing, modest thing within each and ever person..and to turn it into a topic of circus acts..*sighs*..made it almost a futile discussion..but at least the beginning of it was meaningful. But i realized something..although I was the one the made the Castle what it was..i built it up completely..i started the weekly meeting..it can never be the way it was when AJ's light was there. Now all the focus is on Knight..i love him and adore him completely..but i realized no matter how much he means to me..it will always be him who gets all the credit and glory. Maybe now i am regretting it..all because..i feel i am losing him as well..he doesnt seem to trust me as much as he used to..but i did everything for him..his site..his castle..his friend when everyone else turned their backs on him..i was there. I feel i owe him so much for what he has done to me...and all i ever asked for him was friendship..that is all i wanted..was just to know i can have him their as a friend. .o0(damn i am tearing again).

~takes a deep breath~..ok..onto happier things..i went shopping today..it was kind of awkward..considering i am broke as anything and i know my little shopping adventure is going to put me in a whole for my bills this month..ACKKK..o0(i didnt realize i spent so much money)...but i desparately needed clothes. Now that i am going to be working in a bank..need to dress in corporal atire..suits, dresses, pants..buisiness gear..problem is..i have absolutly none of those. So i went to a cheap dress factory..and was SHOCKED to find BEAUTIFUL business suits and dtresses for only $20 each..i was in heaven..i did try on about 75 outfits since it is almost a bitch to find clothes that fit perfectly with my curvascious form..but i found 6 beautiful suits..perfect for the job...So that was a nice treat..now all i need is shoes, panty hose, make-up..ACKK ACKK ACKK..*giggles*..so much i need and i will admit i am sooo nervous..i cant believe i got the job..and cant wait to start.

i do have to admit something happened in which i am flattered and honored..*smiles*..seems a newbie submissive who was sent to my site and read it..found a quote in my poem "learning" so touching that she added it to her fav quotes. I didnt realize it was my quote at first..but after finding it out it was me..*smiles*..she gave me the credit for it on her profile..that almost brought me to tears..never has anyone ever out of no where recognize me as such..without me initially pointing it out to them. I was honored..and the poor girl thought i was mad at her..awww...i just wanted to hug her and thank her completely. *smiles* but it does make me wonder how many actually read this site fully..and what their opinions are of it...Please as a request..sign my guestbook so i get an idea of who is reading it.

June 16 Fri

A funny thing actually happened to my mother. She works as a security manager for a company..and caught two of the employees going at it in the head managers office. The female was giving the guy a blow job..only problem was he was having trouble getting it up so the scene didnt go that far. But what they didnt know was that the whole thing was taped for a captive audience. Of course the two are gonig to be fired...or probably resign being they are managers as well..but in watching the video..o0(yes ironically my mother brought home a copy for security reasons in case anything happen to the original) it stired up feelings and inner desires within. I imagined that it was me who was down on my knees sucking away in an area where i shouldnt be in. In fact..a sick fantasy i always had was having my boss order me to stay over the late shift..and make me his slave. but of course i technically never had a male boss..and that only happens in movies not to me. But i wonder if given a choice to do that..would i ever do something as such?..Yeild to the desires of my superior out of not only the domination but of fear of losing my job..sure that screams out sexual harassment...but we all have our inner most desires..*sighs softly*

i realize i am getting to really miss Master..and wonder if i will ever truly have a Master. I was talking to a friend of mine yesturday a really good Master..and our relationship is solely based on frienship..he adores this site..and what i do...but he said something which struck a chord in me..o0(and hope he doesnt mind used it as a basis for a new poem i wrote)..but he said something along the lines that i can make anyone a Master even if they really are not one. It is just i that can do it. My reply to him was that sure anyone can be my Master..but question is for how long..very hard place to stay and keep up there. Maybe that is why i have so much trouble with Masters..i make it too difficult to Master me..*sighs*..either that or i am cursed with bad luck..as James said

other then that..things have been rather well i guess...today was a long tiring day...cant wait till work is over...getting to the point where i dont give a damn about K-mart. Ironically on my birthday i quit K-mart..it is my last day which happens to be tuesday..*smiles*

oo i did get my one and only birthday present..*smiles*...Money wise things are very tough...and i wasnt planning on recieving anything for i knew things were going to be hard..but my mother came through..*SMILES*. All i wanted for my birthday was a new mattress. My mattress is so old that not only does it have a permanant slump..the springs are staring to sprout out..and overall it is a terrible wrickedy..back pain causing mattress..To my shock i walked in exhausted from work..and there leaning against the wall is a brand new Matress..*smiles* it was a shock..*smiles*

i dont mean to sound greedy or selfish..but maybe it is just me alone in a fantasy dream..that just maybe maybe my dreams can come true..but i was thinking of what master is thinking about now. *sighs softly*..i wonder if he knows about my birthday or if he even cares..i know...that sounds heartless and sounds like i gave up...i am just getting desparate..i am missing him so much. and no email, phonecall, message nothing..is getting me worried..as well as sad. In my own little sick world..for some reason in my mind i feel he would surprise me by sending me a gift a package with various toys to make me think of him and use...or even a token of our love a symbol..somthing just for the two of us..rather then me having to make up my own and pretend...i know that is just a fantasy...he still hasnt even given me a post card that he promised..*sighs*..o0(at first the idea of a postcard was pathetic...but now almost seeming i ache for something real to hold..something from Him..directly..rather then just written words on a computer terminal)..then again..seems that is all the love i will ever get in my life. I am in love with my computer.

i know..i am taking a downside right now...but real life things are going wonderful..online..things are shit..i wonder why i stay here at times..i seem to have no family no place..and i just gave up on the online crap. who knows..maybe someday i will be free of this.

June 17 Sat

i failed last night..failed someone i loved. *sighs softly*..A friend of mine who i has been the closest to me here in yahell..i met him about 2 and a half years ago..maybe longer who knows..but i have known him a long time..and i have adored him as a friend..but now it is almost as if the roles have reversed as well. In the beginning it was me who was having ideas and thoughts of killing myself..ending my suffering..but with patience, kindness, and a listening ear..he brought me out of it. But yet i couldnt do the same for him. I tried taking to him..tried to be there for him...but i was talking to a blank screen...post after post i wrote..knowing that he was just sitting there blankly reading the words i had to write to him. But he didnt respond..he didnt make any comments. Makes me wonder if he was listening or not. I was in tears..listening to what was going on..knowing the pain and anguish he feels within...had me in tears...and the selfish part about it..is that all the while..i was thinking of him and me. *sighs* How do you tell a friend you love you have fantasies of fucking him? Maybe somethihng like that is best left unsaid..and just remain locked in the mind. A few times i have asked him to Master me...but he always refused..and i do know the day we ever cross that line from frienship to sexuality...will be the end of our relationship. I wanted so much at various times to truly be his..but it always never worked out....christ i am young enough to be his daughter..in fact if i am not mistaken he has a daughter my age.

Within he seems to want to go back to Gor..and all this time i always begged him not to go back..not to be there..but he reason i always did that..was to protect myself. I always said that if you go back you loses yourself..but the truth is Gor NEVER leaves a person..it is in you forever..as it is within me..it is the disease that i can never get rid of no matter how much or how hard anyone restricts me..but truth is..i dont need online Gor..Gor lives within me...within my heart. He should go back to Gor...he is so gorean it is not even funny it just bleeds from him in all his actions...but if he goes back to Gor..can i protect myself?..In fact that is almost the sick reason why i never did meet him in real life when i had the chance...was to protect myself. I know i would never be able to refuse him..even if i was in tears and hysterical..i wouldnt be able to refuse him at all. But the that should be the last of my worries..because the thing that i know is he is trust worthy he would never do anything if i didnt want to period. And probably would have no intention of doing anything if we ever did meet. But the downside to that is..i almost want him to. That is why i fear meeting him..because i want him to Master me..knowing he won't do it unless it is my choice..but also knows he wont do it period..and the fact that he wont do it..is why i dont want to cross that line to reality. But i know..that this is all in my head...one time he desired me..but now...why would anyone desire me...i question myself...but he has his slave to desire...he has his girl...and i am just alone in the shadows looking on as i always did...but there when he falls into the shadows.

One time we did talk on the phone once...i was in tears..and depressed..but even then..it was at that time i wished him for him to order me. command me..Master me..do anything but we didnt. *sighs*.I failed him last night..why did i have to be so selfish...i wanted so badly to help him..but instead my mind thought about fucking him. It got to the point so badly that i had to leave him..leave him in his suffering..and go to my room and masterbate with myself completely..and once again used myself with such ferocity..that i left myself feeling ashamed, hurt confused.and most of all..upset about him. I let him down i failed him.

In fact..i know realize why i am so ashamed of masterbating even though i do it constantly. Not only am i having secret pleasure behind clothes doors knowing my family is slumbering in the next room..but that is just it..it is ONLY me having it. I deny the pleasure from my Master...deny it from those i love...and it is a world only for me..an experience only for me. What i wouldnt give to share that with another...*sighs softly*

To wrap this up because i know i am blabbering on. I love my friend dearly. He has always been there for me..yet no matter how much i try to be there for him..i am not...*sighs*..i would do absolutly anything for him..to repay him for all he has done for me. *SIGHS*..it doesnt matter anymore does it?

to change the subject a bit..for the first time i get to go in late on a sat..no more long day...which is a plus...the only downside is that it leaves me this whole day to wallow in what i did last night..as well as the constant ever present thoughts of me and my friend sexually together..SLAPS SELF..ackkk girl i have to get this out of my mind. *shakes head*

(later on that night)...i probably shouldnt have never went online today..especially the way i felt since last night..but i talked to a friend whom i trust..or think i trust. I know he adores me..and i know he is close to me..but it was almost like everythign he said excited me. It was like i just wanted to get rid of everything and have him take me completely. We even started a scene..but by the third post..i panicked and said ENOUGH...i saved it just in time...For i betrayed myself, my Master, my collar..and most of all..i betrayed everything i was trying so hard not to do. I dont know if i broke the gor in me..or encourage it..but i could have easily cybered him completely going all the way and achieving the needed release of emotions and tension building up after last night..I almost fucking scened with another Master..i wanted to so badly..wanted to see if he could Master me. But it was wrong..I am collared..i am with my Master..and i failed yet again.

this reminds me of what happened with AJ and Donavin...AJ whom i loved dearly..we met up one time when i was collared to Donavin..and it was almost like i begged him to take me...it was at that time when Donavin restricted my usage..but AJ took me..cybered the hell out of me..he did it with such intensity, such hatred, such passion...so cruely..that it was brutal to my emotions..and brutal in content. After it was over..not only did i feeel completely empty, used, abused, and upset...in the back of my mind i thought..WHY couldnt he have been this way when we were together..just that extra edge..kick that i needed to keep me from Gor..to keep me away..to keep me his completely. but it took him to lose me to do that..*sighs*

now it is the confusion in my heart about my Master now...what is he going to think after reading this..the way i feel right now i just want to cry at his feet and appologize for everything. but am i wrong?..was i wrong. Is it wrong to speak the truth even if it is painful..or is it better left unsaid. I desire my friend..i desire another Master..i desire everything..but most of all..i want my Master back...I just want to know he is still there..that he still loves me...but how can i believe that if i havent seen him. *sighs softly*

All i know is..3 more days..just 3 more days..its my birthday..and my last day at the job..3 more days and it will all be over..will be out of K-Mart..will get out of the stresses and strains of that job..and will be starting a new life.

June 18 (sun, Fathers day)

Today was so busy...and work was so hectic..not only did i forget it was Fathers day..but it took a friend to ask me how Master and i are doing to make me realize that today is our 2 month anniversery..*sighs*..Why does that depress me. I should be so happy...we have been together for 2 months..well not going to talk about that..because i do feel my faith is being lost...a simple card, letter, email, postcard anything..even a phone call...i have done my part...why cant my Masters..ever to theirs..must it always be up to me to get the ball rolling..then again..i think about over and over in my mind..what my last Master said to me..and that was...Why would anyone want to talk to me?...well Happy Anniversery Master..

onto lighter topics...only 2 more days till my birthday and the last day of K-mart..*smiles*..cant wait..although i really dont have a birthday..a small cake..and a nice song..but i am just happy..a new year..new beginning..new job..new chance to make something of myself. things are looking up..and i am going to go with the flow.

well to all the fathers out there have a wonderful happy and safe fathers day...seems like i want to talk on and on forever..but really do have nothing to say this evening..although surprisingly got an interesting pm message from a Master whom i havent talked to in a while..and it is great to talk to him as a friend..*smiles*.

June 20 tues

yes i know..sort of skipped over monday..but no big deal..was too busy talking to my dear friends from college..misses them so much and glad that they were able to get their lives together. Although we all began on the same path at the same college..we ventured off differently all quitting and joing the work force..amazingly we will always be the voodo goth chat queens..*smiles*..in my heart i will never forget those countless hours we stayed up all night in our insomniac way and be on the internet forever.

well anyway today was my birthday..*smiles*..as well as my final day at K-mart. It wasnt easy to leave the place...and was rather upsetting...just turns out the same time i am signing my resignation papers..they were firing and arresting another casheir for stealing...*shakes head*..stealing is it really worthed?....but anyway..it was my last day..gave in my notice..and lef the place for good

Well when i did get home..did have a nice little cake, desert..and opened my mattress pad...it is almsot depressing to get so few gifts..maybe i am indeed greedy..but just reinforces the fact that times are hard..I got a card from my father in the mail..it was nice that he thought of me..but the card almost brought me to tears...on the front was a picture of a composer playing the piano..and on the inside it said.." i would have given you a great gift for your bithday but i am baroque"..*sighs*..if he can just dig in the knife deeper..i know i am baroque..and it doesnt help considering he is stopping my checks..when i know he has the money..he is stopping the money i relied on to get me through each month..and he doesnt even give me a birthday present.

You know i shouldnt complain but last year..i didnt have to tell anyone it was my birthday..they all had the paddles ready and beat the hell out of me..this year was almost like i had to scream to everyone it was by birthday...and even then..only a few small friends got together and wished me a happy birthday..and yet..with the Master..i had to get all pissy and get into one of my moods..He just brought me to tears..i was so upset..when i know i shouldnt have been. He invited me to his room..but then he had to get all Masterly with me..i left right away..and in talking in pm..he had to give me a sob story about not being a Master..ect...i dont know anymore..is he a Master or isnt he. He has to learn that Mastery comes from within..it is not what you think you are..it is what you actually are..and thinking can effect it..for example..by nature i am not a slave..yet..it is almost like i torment myself and try to be something i am not..all because of a desire i have to learn all i can..*sighs*..in fact that is not making any sense to begin with...the point is..i hurt his feelings and he really hurt mine..it was to the point where i was cursing him out almost...its shouldnt have happened...it just really shouldnt..*sighs*...

June 21

Last night i shouldnt of came on at all...i know i sort of got into a fight with one Master..but it is all the shit that happened after that...left me to the point where i was numbed, drained a lack of feelings.

first off..had the fight with a Master friend...i judged him and his relationship with his sub...he wants to be a Master..he needs to learn to stop being so self cetering bastard..and be the Master he is..as well as he needs to enforce..Masters dont threated Masters do...sure that sounds sick to say..but if a Master is going to keep threatening saynig i am going to do this if you do this..i am going to do that....that is leaving the door open for insolence to happen in the relationship..and if anything it all boils down to communication..or lack of communication. I myself should know yet totally guilty of it..communication is the key to any relationship.

Then a friend i hold dear decided to give up..yet wouldnt let me in. Makes me think about our friendship in total. Is my friendship bond to him..stronger to me..then he thinks it is. Last night he turned to me..wanting seeking my help..but not help for himself..not help that he can do..just online help..*sighs*..is that all i was ever good for in the relationship..to help him through the world of online, technology, html..and now..deleation? The whole time i was in tears over it..why..because now i know i truly lost one who was dear to me...and he didnt even tell me why.

overall it was a bad night..had another one PM me my former Master decided to go nuts and banish himself from yahell all together..and gave up his slave. For some reason..that was abound to happen..after what he did with me...one day collar...that was more then enough for me.

June 22 (thurs)

i dont know where to begin. It seems family values in yahell has disappeared..and i dont know is it me or not. I did learn that no one blames me..no one is against me..but at what price did i have to learn that..at the price of one whom i hold dear..and this was at the Castle Meeting of all places. To learn a painful lesson publically within a group behind another persons back..i just felt awful about it...focusing the problem on another rather then looking in the mirror and admitting it is us who has the problem..Each and every one of us. They all relied on One person to have meetings, to uphold the values to drag them weekly to a discussion group...should that be only up to one? It takes the imput of all....everyone needs to build in the family to make it work.

So now the castle has split...something tells me this is not going to be a good idea...but there is now a sub group of Castle Firth known as BDSM Castle...geeze what difference does it make where the damn meetings are..as long as the family stays together. But in actuality i see the wicked logic..many feel violated of what the founder did...erasing pictures,...erasing posts...giving up on all..without even telling anyone but a select few..and even those that were told..what did that prove.

sighs..things are changing too much for me..but in a weird sense..although i seem like an emotional wreck..i am amazed by the changes undergoing in me in real life. First off i can smile..i finally got my hair done..woo hoo..*smiles*..full dye job....and about 7 inches cut off...YIKES..i know that may seem alot..but actually isnt..i had very long hair..but it was all dead and nappy...now it is a little longer then shoulder length..and lookes healthy, strong, and frames my face and eyes beautifully..i am proud of the way it came out..and can truly smile about it..Now indeed i look more professional in nature..*crosses fingers*..and i do have to admit..i have butterflies all over my belly..just from the nerves of the job..*shudders*..but at least i got my semi mini vacation..not working at K-mart..so have some time to relax and sleep the needed hours i need.

June 23 Fri

well i have to say this is like an emotional roller coaster for me..a fast pace ride..but i wonder where it will end..in a nice peaceful matter after hitting the pinnacle..or..crash and burn at the intensity and speed of such a ride?..o0(is it me or is my diary too poetic at times..shrugs)

well anyway..things are all over the place..and makes me wonder how the hell am i able to do it...someone did once tell me "the busiest person should get the most work if you want it guarenteed it will be done"..then again..am i just making myself out to be busy?..I am supposed to be on a mini vacation..relaxing and enjoying the last few half days i have to myself..before i start flying full speed ahead with new work. The new castle is up and running..and to make it special been adding assigments and what not..just so it will be a reason for everyone to come..maybe i am working too hard..who knows.

Last night i was in a room for a change..with a few close friends..and of course..i had to take the control of the room again..*sighs*..maybe it is just me..but i am tired of waterfigts, games, macros, i mean..bdsm can be fun...the rooms can be..but when all you do is have online water fights everyday or see that...I just want to scream and say..YOU ARE SUBS ACT IT..but even in the room..our discussions although primarily focused on me...but i dont know if i was cruel or not..i was almost slapping each and every one of them..with the head on the nail truth about what i see in them...but yet..is that right for me to do?..should it always be my way of telling things in my own twisted biased world?..I miss the old ways of BDSM where things were out of respect..and subs knew their place...but that is the reason most turn to gor..to get back that structure, discipline, and seriousness..but..Gor?...*sighs*..not even going to get into that.

One of the big topic was serving...i have to admit i myself havent served in over a month..nor seen a good serve..but what i saw last night for serving..i just wanted to cry..has this what yahell has turned into with serving?? then as a request to try to help another serve...i am trying a new method..something which i have never done..and that is actually having the girl look at herself..and truly see what she has..rather then looking at another..and in a strange way..i think this would be the best way...to have her look upon herself..and see the beauty she has..which she finds so ugly...that is the secret to serving and pleasing..to knowing that their is good in you and expand it..even if you are not on top of the world....which leads this to the topic of self esteem and image...and i have come to the conclusion of those with low self esteems find a place as a submissive..and end up in one wicked relationship because they are easy prey to abusers..but it is true..i always had my theory on emotional masochism..where a person will put themselves at a lower station in life..just so they themselves will be higher in their mind..as if they are doing something which will up their feelings and emotions.

but a note on serving..NEVER should be done as a macro..and NEVER should be copied from another...i cant stress it enough..macros are fun to use to remember long things..for example i have a listing of all 150 pokemon in a macro..*giggles*..but to serve?..NO WAY..not even to serve my Master...*shakes head*...but..i guess that is what is happening..

On a final note..do have to say this..With all the things going on..and with all that is happening..it makes me wonder once again about Domination..already i was being teased again about being a Mistress..for a few reasons..because i am leading the flock of the blind.o0(no insult to those who i am calling blind)..as well as helping those who need help...doing this doing that...i am the one in control..yet i dont see it as that..i see it as putting myself and pleasing everyone else..submitting myself to their needs to make everyone happy..and to make myself feel wanted needed and happy. But it makes me think back to when i was at one point..trying to be a Mistress... Lady Moonbeam of Light...was my name... i even had a sub of my own..broke her completely..o0(ironically yes was a female sub i had)..i wonder what happened to her..but i do know what happened to the one who brought me here to this lifestyle..he begged for me to be his Mistress..because i was the only one who can dominate his free spirit..and it was true..having him was a great and wonderful time..until he begged for my help and i refused..and he ended up doing a joint suicide with his friend...i failed as a Dommes..dont want to do so again...yet it is true..there is a core to me that no one will ever touch..unless one thing happens...but will just have to wait and eventually see.

June 24 Sat

I do know i am absolutely exhausted being i hardly got any sleep last night as well as i just came back from work..but all i know is..on my mind all night and all morning..even now..is what happened last night..In fact..i dont even know where to begin for as always my mind is racing.

i got a phone call last night..from a very unsuspecting source..ironically it was me who was thinking of calling or writing and did attempt a few letters..but after reading them..just tore them up and let it be...Somehow in my mind..thought that would be the ending..and my fear was..if i mailed those letters out..would have been even worst..so i ripped them up..and never send them. Kind of reminds me of the moody blues song nights in white satin..and will admit i cant get that song out of my head either..but..anyway..i got a phone call last night..and i will say i am shocked by how i acted. For the first time..i didnt treat him as a Master..didnt treat him as a Dominant..i treated him exactly..o0(at least i think so)..how i always treated him whenever i talked to him..and that was like a friend..I was talking to the person last night..not the Master..and there was almost a reason i was doing that..protection. I locked myself up completely..and it wasnt easy.

I wonder if he knew exactly how nervous i was...at certain points my voice was quivering..and tensed up..but i stayed strong and never broke down..for i almost felt in a sense like bawling my eyes out..o0(of course that didnt come till after the phone was hung up) and that is part of the reason i didnt get any sleep..was the fact the whole conversation of what was said..and what new ideas, feelings was awakened within my mind..it had me thinking all night

Well i know i am running around in circles..and although i am not going to go into specifics..i did make a list of what happened when i was at work today..so i myself know exactly what happened and how it effected me..so i will just run down the list..and talk about what happened.

as i did mention there was a quivering of my voice at various times..especially at those times when he began to delve into how i truly felt..it was hard..because..it was almost like i didnt want to speak the truth..i would have rather kept it inward. But i didnt tell him all..i did keep stuff from him..and i think he knew it..for he switched topics many times..

at one point we were talking about my low self image and weight..it was almost at that point..i felt him getting Masterly with me..and that brought up the tension within me..my stomach tightened so much..i thought i was going to be sick..but yet..all i could do was just answer him with a simple yes yes yes..ever question he asked i just said yes..but with a defeated yes..although..it almost got to the point where i just wanted to break..and say YES HELP ME PLEASE..even might have added Master into it..if he pushed..but he didnt..in a sense i am glad he didnt..because that was the one point in the conversation in which i knew i would have broke..but he switched the topic gearing it away from that.

it is strange how i found it so easy yet so hard to talk..i never used to be able to talk on the phone..and always found the phone to be something to fear..but to him..was able to talk naturally, comfortably..and person to person..although at certain points..was a nervous wreck..but in thinking about talking to various other Masters..i realized..he was the first one i could talk to..it was almost like anyone else had to drag it out of me whatever i was saying..because i bottled myself up against them and went dead silent. Is that because the others were my Master..and i close up to them..or is it because..i can truly talk to him?

We did talk earlier..and something in which i said to him stood out...stood out in his mind...I thought it was when i told him to go to hell..I was just so mad he might as well rot in hell at that point i thought..if not might as well told him to fuck off..but i would never do that..at least not again. Point is..that stood out in his mind..because i was hurt, confused, angry at him..betrayed..but it wasnt that part that stood out in his mind..it was the fact that i said i loved him.

did i actually say that?..i know i did..but i wonder myself why i did..and it is true..there are feelings within me..but last night..i gave reasons for everything..was almost like reasons draw attention away from the root of the problem. It is so much easier giving reasons for why i do something..and give multiple reasons for actions..that part is easy..and that is where the scientist/psychologist within me comes in..almost as if i detach from myself completely and give a synopsis on my theories of why i do something. However..to give my feelings of why i did those actions..that is another story. I cant seem to do that..or bring myself to do that..and that is the reason whenver things started to get too personal on that note..i threw in reasons for my actions...detaching myself and drawing away from the main reason.

i think the worst thing is...with all this new things..with all that was talked about..i wonder..does he not only feel the same about me as i do of him...but also..was he able to sleep last night. I knew after our phone call..which was cut very short being either bad connection or cell phone battery died..but..i wondered how he felt getting off the phone. I gave him a crazy assignment lsat night and that was to read a specific section on this site..my fear was..what if at that point he did read it..and couldnt handle it..and purposely hung up on me?...My mind always traveeled all over the place..thinking the worst possible scenarios..But truth is...i havent seen him since we talked. nor a message. I just would like to know..now that he delved in an inner portion which i always kept locked and sealed...how does he feel????

These daily entries i know are getting longer and longer each day..think mainly because i am opening up more..or maybe it is just..i have so much to say on what is going on internally..but to brighten this up...I do start on monday..and these are my last few days of rest...think tonight will be a full loaded beauty treatement for myself..exfoliating bath, oils, scents, shaving..the works...but for now..i think i am going to get that added sleep i missed last night..and try not too keep this on my mind..but it is not easy.

June 25 Sun

I know i made a mistake..i revealed an inner core to myself opening up something that i had blocked for so long..and did it in such a way..where i know..it was futile. How does that make me feel..i feel ashamed..almost as if obssessed..and yes..it is bothering me. Not bothering me the fact i have these feelings..ok..it does..but it bothers me the fact that i told, said them. Have i learned anything? This is practically the second time i am at this state in my life and i remember what happened the first time. *sighs* I made a mistake.

How does one stop thinking about something? It is not easy..to have a single thought plaguing in my mind..but yet i wonder..what if? What if i do what i desire..will i lose or gain everything? It all has to do with risk..and a risk..i shouldnt have never taken. The last thing anyone needs right now..especially me..is to worry about what is going on through the ramblings of me. What if find funny..is damnit..this happened to be before..went nuts for a month..god..do i wish i had saved thos letters..Seems this is the one topic i never did save on my email..was almost like i just went on and on rambling..cleansing my soul of everythign i felt within..yet..not even remembering what was said or written.

*takes a deep breath* Last night..i turned to a few friends for answers..maybe it was wrong..i help them completely..detaching myself away from all my problems and see what i see to help them with any questions they have..and in discussing my problems..it was so obvious it was mine..why lie..i had a problem..was seeking out advice..maybe i shouldnt have done it in an open room..for in a sense i am collared..*sighs*..yes..collared..collared and lonely..looking for someone real life..maybe i havent waited long enough..maybe i havent been patient..but i give up..i cant handle a part time Master..one who disappears every now and then..He did this to me before. And the thing is..I love him..damnit..i do love my Master..but..i realize..not in the truest of ways..It was a false sense of happiness..I thought we can be together..thought we can truly stay..but i dont know..i feel so upset. I need my Master to talk to me..but he doesnt.

Thats the one thing i regret..it was my mistake..i was always aimlessly searching for one type of Master...one Master..whom i adored and liked..and hoping to find a Master..just like him. But it is impossible..and now..i opened myself up..and it is almost like i just crashed into a wall. The fact is..i stay here to find a Master like him...but it can never be him...Geeze i dont know whether to cry or take a bat and beat the hell out of something smashing it.. That is the frustration i am feeling now..almost like i want to SCREAM.

I know i am not even on track with what i am saying now..but i did turn to others for some advice and help..did it work..no..actually almost turned to a judging thing on my collar...i made a mistake yet again...I am not going to claim abandonment again. NO..i fucked up the last collar...when it wasnt my fault..but gorean law..DAMN GOREAN LAW..by 3 pieces of evidence under Gorean law..my collar was null and void..1)the Master was legitamately killed by a hired assasin 2)By the laws of Ar..if a Master becomes incompacitated..his property then gets turned over to the state..3)Abandonment law that i am anyone meat now...and actually a forth reason..was i had another Master directly challenge him by ripping off my collar with his sword..So my last one day paper collar was NULL AND VOID..GOD DAMNIT..why blame me..It wasnt My fault..and yet..i opened myself to him..let him in..and that is what he did to me.

that is just it..*sighs*..i always open myself at the wrong time..letting myself open when i know it is too late..Happened with Donavin..happined with my friend the other night. I opened myself up....is that the price of submission..pain?? This only proves how clueless i am..I dont know what i am doing anymore. All i know is..tommorrow..i start my job..and even today..as i am giving myself a total beauty treatement..my mind is thinking about Him. SHIT SHIT FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!

I have to laugh though..was looking at myself in the mirror..nakid..and rather then focusing on my feelings how i usually do..i did what i had another girl do..i focused on my body..and i realized..i do need to lose weight badly..i have the potential to look out of this world..if only i lost say..50lbs..maybe that is too much..but..just too lose that ammount..But i realized..in a sense..no one ever ordered me to lose it. Not even any of my Masters..and to hear him say to me.."would you lose weight for me?"..i just wanted to break and just say yes Master..i really did..but instead the bitchiness in me..said.."I will lose weight for myself as well"..and he countered .."then for the both of us"..I fucked that up completely..why did i open myself..yet closed myself completely? I had to be strong..i had too..I cant be telling him the complete truth..especially now. there are much more things to worry about then me..

it is almost like i just want to wrip out these thoughts..but i cant..all i have to do is try to focus on something else..and i am trying to focus on my body...giving myself a full exfoliation, shaving everything, nails, treatments the works..already have my outfit ready for tommorrow..The only thing i beg is please..dont make this a restless night..please let me be able to work without crashing tommorrow..*sighs*

its not doing me any good...i thought i could end this journal entry..and forget everything..but all i seem to be wanting to do is write and write..and i myself know i am giving too much information. Why do i do it..Why do i let everyone in the world..or whoevever would actually read these ramblings of mine..i give all of them a piece of me..submitting in a sense to complete strangers by opening up my thoughts to them..yet i cant do so to those i truly want to or need to. If it was up to me..would call up my friend right now..and say "we need to talk"..thats just it..funny huh..i dont have his number..Sure he has mine..but i dont have his..i did..but it was changed..now what do i do..Do i wait endlessly in torment until he happens to show up on line..if he ever does..or do i just push it out of my mind?..only thing is that part having trouble with..cant just push it out of my mind...and the worst fucking part about it..yahell blew up and the time i need to talk to someone..ANYONE..no one is online because they cant get fucking in.

June 26 Mon

Ummm..i fucked things up really badly..but know something I really dont care..i am almost too happy to care..*smiles*..Today was the first day of my new Job..and i am on cloud nine completely..the Benifits this job has to offer..is too good to be true..o0(i know..things too good to be true usually arent)..but with this company..i have so many opportunity to advance..and make something out of my life in this world..and the atmosphere..the people..it is just a friendly wonderful place..*smiles*..i am sooo happy at the job..cant wait.

now to explain how i fucked up..well not quite that easy..especially..*giggles*..not that i am happy for what i did..i am just totally relieved.in a sense it is like a burden lifted off my shoulders. First off..my friend..umm...well..not interested...and although i do have feelings..all i can say is GOOD. He doesnt need to be worrying about me..needs to be worrying about himself..and making himself better.

aside from that..i did a bad thing...makes me a hypocrite i know...for just last night i spoke on how they should just go Fuck gorean law..but yet what did i do..i ventured into IRC delving back to gor..seeing what i missed so much. At first i just went there to talk..had a great debate with a Master within a room...but..i forgot something..in that room i am a slave...and i quickly learned my place..or tried to..another Master came in..i wasnt up to it emotionally..but he asked me..what are you???...Sure the typical answer should be.."a slave"..but i couldnt admit that...so he beat me...not only did he beat me..he had me in display mode...touching my body in the crudest of ways..wanting me to submit to him...yes you may say this is nothing more then a cyber scene..but in real life..the tears began to course down my face..and i was so hot and so horney it wasnt even funny..and yet i couldnt cumm..my heart was racing..my body was sweaty..and i was just so wet..but i couldnt do anything..no matter how much he talked..and he talked and talked..and his words alone almost drove me to the point of cumming..it got so bad he ordered me to go to the bathroom to relieve myself..since family was in the next room. And what did i do like an obediant little slut..ran to the bathroom in tears...playing with myself completely that i came violently..grasping onto the sink in a sweaty mess. But the worst part is..i betrayed my collar, betrayed my Master..and betrayed everything..and had a cyber fling..but it meant so much to a girl..that she is actually continuing to talk to the Master..sure only one night..and he may tire of a girl...but..i dont know...just feel i had to do it.

June 27, tue

well i have to admit my feet are screaming in pain....ackk...today was my first day at the branch of my bank..and of course..they were beging audited today...not easy for a first day..but all i did was observe..just remained and observed..o0(oh god is a girl going to have to do this all week..nothing more then stand their for 8 hours doing nothing?)...but in time..after training and everything..will get my own box..just it is kind of overwhelming...with all the things and everything happening. But..was a good long day..i will admit i am exhausted..but..*smiles*..think for the first time..this change is good...They are strictly proffessional...no games..and very corporate..almost in a sense..it is as if..i must strive for the perfection..everything i must do..has to be absolutely perfect.

asid from that..things have been difficult..seems when i am online i am feeling nothing but sorry about myself...i dont know..i think i am just desparate..desparate..to find something i cant..and feels to sorry for myself to admit it..I have to get my head out of my ass..someone said to me..and yet this was in Gor...i know..i am a failure..been returning to gor..and not fiding anything there...and getting more and more desparate...*sighs*

then there is the matter of my collar and Master..someone mentioned to me..am i doing this just to displease my Master and make him punish me?..maybe so...i am punishing myself anyway..what more would a punish by him do..i feel hurt, betrayed, dishonored..yet it is all me doing those things. I am just tired...been staying up too late..lack of sleep...but have to go to work...A new change for me..things are just changing

Next Month

Back to Diary

back to Home