Random Thought (October 2000)

Dear Sir,

It has been a long time since i have written a random thought. It is awkward, then again my diary is nothing more then a big random thought. You can probably tell Sir my mind is all over the place.

As of right now, i am in a LOT of pain. I look like a walking zombie, not complaining the truth is i don’t really know why i am in so much pain, every muscle in my buttocks and thighs is nothing but stretched pain. Every time i sit, walk, I am limping all over the place. Aside from that, i am pale and been so dehydrated all day and drinking water all day.

Today wasn’t too good of a day either at work. i fucked up badly, they were on top of me, it was a busy day and i tried my best. Right now I should be in bed sleeping, but think it will be one of those 12 hour sleeps again and it actually was. Its almost 7 and i am ready to hit the hay. Although right now I am actually rewriting and editing the letter I have already sent you since on the topic of work, I am going to be looking into getting a transfer from my job because the way things are going now if I dont get out of that branch I am going to be losing my job. That is how bad it is getting.

When you were on the phone I didn’t know whether to say ack, smile, or laugh. I have to admit it was interesting, exciting, scary, a mixture of emotions. I knew that if i made any "noise" that i would be punished even more. At the same time, i also held back. Biting back the sensations, the feelings, controlling the constant torment that you did as you fingered me, played with me, teased me. The never ending torment in my mind thinking of when the hell will you get off the phone. My fear was what would happened if i was noisy, I wondered what you would have done, but I remained silent. I prolong my torment holding back so much that i don’t know how to let go.

Sucking you while you are on the phone, I was amazed at how much control you have. Maybe i was wrong, but i resisted as well, you were on the phone, i LOVE sucking you. I love the smell, the flavor,the way your skin glides within my mouth, the feel of you, the beauty of your cock. You do have a great cock. But i stopped it, i was afraid that if i was too pleasing, and you started moaning on the phone i would be punished. I held myself back.

3)finally getting off the phone and ordering me to strip..so glad i wore my peak-a-boo skirt..didnt even have to get up and arise to take it off...just came off no problem..on the other hand.i was shaking completely..even when you told me to remove your clothing..was almost fumbling...that wasnt out of fear..that was most certainly out of desire.i wanted you nakid..and wanted to suck you..but i feel bad..that i did such a poor job with removing of your clothing especially your shoes and socks..argg..o0(note to self..stay on the left side not the right)..but Sir..although was able to get more intense with the way i sucked you once you were off the phone..I also feel i failed..*sighs*..This is almost a disappointing factor of it.

Sir you have yet to truly cum for me. Is that part of the torment? knowing that i want you to so badly..but yet you choose not to..Or is it..i dont please you. That the way i suck your cock is lousy and although a few occasional grunts and moans can be heard..*sighs*..no i know that is not true..but it was almost like i got no reaction from you at all yesturday..no matter what i did..with the exception of later on that night..but back to sucking you..Sir..just for once..i would like to truly taste you, feel you..do whatever..shower me with your cum..speaking of showers..in my mind..that was almost my fear part of the punishment to me would be...golden shower. ..umm no comment

Anyway..i probably shouldnt ask you this question..but it is a question which has me concerned and sometimes i have to ask over and over again to truly believe the answer..sorry for that..but Sir..did i please you last night?

4)the whole slavery issue..*takes a deep breath*..Sir this has my mind going all over the place..First off..YES i admit it..said it yesturday..well tried to..but couldnt..but Sir..i admit i really enjoyed you treating my like that..but i also know that i said..both yes and no..with almost every question you answered..Not because i didnt know the answer..but it was because..I didnt know how you felt..Sir do you know how guilty i am..that i derived so much pleasure from what you did to me..but in my mind..it was only because i was insolent?..You treated me like a slave..as part of my punishment..at least i think it..IN my mind i almost feel that you treated me like that to prove to me..that i do not want to be treated like that..*sighs*..but Sir..I enjoyed that..I really did. *sighs*..Here is where the tough part comes in.. It was wrong for me to enjoy that..the reason is because..did you enjoy it? Did you enjoy treating me like your slut your property your sex toy for your pleasure only? did you enjoy humiliating, degrading me..not really degrading..but tormenting me with ideas of selling me? How did you feel about it..I dont know. And although i was wrong that i cant answer you truthfully without at least knowing what is going on in your mind as well..but Sir..How did you feel treating me like that? *sighs* if your answer is the same as it was when we first met..then Sir..maybe my ultimate fear is true...and will come true. *wipes a tear aside*

5)the gag..wonders which is worst..having me watch every movement you make as you went in your bag got out the gag..held it to my face..and placed it on me..Or the way you did it...blind folding me first..and not letting me know that you were about to gag me until i felt the ball on my lips..OH Sir..the fear at that moment as soon as you placed it on my lips..i tensed up completely..Hearing you forcefully command me to open my mouth, OPEN YOUR MOUTH..damn you must have said it about 4 times..I was SCARED..it terrorfied me..i didnt want it at all..I didnt want in my mouth..I couldnt take the silence..*shudders*..but its true..you were merciful..if you would have just whipped the hell out of me in that state..i dont know what would have happened..instead you combined something postive, warm and caring..with the fearsome torment..You let me massage you..but to just use my hands..unable to truly see where i am massaging..to created the image of your body in my mind..with every contour..of course the first 15 mins or so..was trying to figure out how the hell to calm down with this fucking gag in my mouth..but just to touch you Sir..to caress your skin..to feel every part of your curve..Sir i loved it..and well was a little iffy on the feet part..still have to get over that..if it wasnt for your verbal reminder to do "think of a place i forgot" i wouldnt have done them at all.

6)the whole whipping slapping sort of thing..umm Sir..is that the reason i am in pain..i wasnt marked at all..and although at times it stung and the pain shot through like anything..damn..is that the reason..i have been debating this question for 4 years now..when getting punished is flexing or not flexing the best method...i flex my muscles it is like lets say a baseball hitting a wall..if i dont..then lets say it is a baseball hitting a pillow..the wall BOOM..the pillow..bump..So maybe by flexing my muscles i actually did cause more pain internally in the long run..because..with that much velocity, intensity and force..i caused the muscles to be internally sore???? *sighs* i dont know..i am just in pain..badly..and i will say this..dont think i hyperventilated.no..but starting to crave more? or enjoy it i should say..i dont know

7)me straddling on top of you..umm..did you purposely go inside of me or was that by accident..and i know..the thought of pregnacy just climbed in my mind..in fact..dont know if you realized it or not..i totally stopped dead when you went inside..it wasnt until the slightest movemtn and you felt it as well..and ordered me to withdraw..was that an accident?? then again..at the same time..no holds bar..wanted to just fuck you right then and there..but not being able to see or talk..that was a downer..would have liked to see your reaction of you beneith me..umm in fact i dont remember..knows i was wearing the gag..was i blind folded at that moment??

8)i really liked it when you ordered me not too move..and you just fucked me..you completely used me for solely you..and well..i guess i am more opened then i used to be..o0(thats almost brings a sigh)..but i still loved your ramming into me..the pain, the intensity..and knowing i couldnt move..my only question is..did you cum?..were you happy, were you pleaased..did using me..give you pleasure? sighs..i almost make it sound like a downer saying use?..thats not an appropriate word..but yet it most certainly is..Sir..i push my happiness aside sometimes..just for the fact of knowing that you are happy..but in pushing aside my happiness..i also get very mean to myself.cant think of the right word..not mean..but i take it out on myself..almost like why the hell am i doing that..i should be concerned about my own happiness..and in my being happy make another happy..I shouldnt be concerned with anothers happiness so much to the point where i fail to be happy to.

9)You know you never truly asked me..if i enjoyed being treated like that..without the gag..*sighs*..the gag i was only allowed to answer yes or not..but my answers were more complex...Did i enjoy being a slave? YES i did..but at the price..where you wouldnt be happy treating me as such..NO Sir..i dont then...

Would i want to be sold? NO..not permantely..care for you too much..wouldnt want to be sent away from you...HOWEVER..sold temporirly for the use of another Master..maybe..in fact in a sick way..almost sounds terribly exciting.. Were you merciful? Yes ..perhaps to merciful..and that alone saying shows how insolent i am..Your right Sir..i wanted you to punish me. I really did.

How would i feel about being sold, never seeing my family again? Sir..this alone brings a mixture of feelings, emotions, thoughts, and the fact of Gor real life vs online.. lets go with a fantasy scenario..If Gor was real life..and slavery was the instituion...i would have been fed to the sleens a long time ago..because on a Gorean sense..i have absolutly nothing to offer a Master..up until now..i was a virgin..which was a "prized" value..then again..virgins need to be taught everything..needs to be taught to please. And well you can slap me for this comment..but my appearence alone..in Gorean terms..would have either made me good pot slave..or food for sleens.

Now real life..I know there are secret sex slave markets..i know that i can at any time be kidnapped and force to live a life of a slut..and eventually be tossed aside and killed because i dont have the needed skills to keep up with the "pleasure" aspect..yet Sir..call me sick..but at times..that sounds like a wonderful thing. For your life to be solely based on anothers whim..that your meaninless existence is based on if another person is happy or not...or just for the hell of it..if they want to kill you or not..I know..almost funny i would have been dead a long time ago in that scenario..but it is something to think about..

^--please dont be mad at me for that last trend of thought over the slavery issue

10)If anything out of the entire night..one thing comes to mind..and that is you lying down in my lap..like a little baby..and me just rubbing your pain and easing you with a nice massage. Sir..that was the most beautiful thing..I couldnt care less about the matrix..although do have to admit..the karate scene kicks ass..and i love the movie..great one..but to see you lying their with your eyes closed..and you even getting to the point where you feel asleep..umm wont make an issue of you snoring either..lol....but..Sir..that brought me to tears..it really did..then again..i was getting a little lost to..here you were..just lying there..enjoying the moment that i was giving to you.and it wasnt like i was massaging my Dom's temples or face..i didnt feel any type of M/s relationship at that point..it was more of a comforting one i guess..in a way..i felt like i was taking care of you..easing your pain..the few times you did open up your eyes..and saw me staring at you..its true Sir..i couldnt even look at you..to betray myself that i took so much pleasure in just watching you. that look you had of peace, content, joy, i got in the moment too Sir. then again..I got greedy..I wanted you to hold me..and almost started to cry when i finally go the strength to ask you if you would hold me. IN fact even now Sir..not only am i crying..but even now..all i want is to be held..just wrapped in your arms.

11)you told me not to start this shit..Sir i am..i am sorry..but at that moment..in fact..god it doesnt matter..but i know i will never be owned by you..although i put my own chains on myself..i attach myself to you..because you allow it..actually dont even know where this thought is leading to..so just going to not even go there.

12)well i have been writing this for about an hour and a half now..and crying..and well still in pain..and exhausted and hungry..Sir i think it is time for me to close this letter..of course..there is so much more i can discuss and want to discuss..but i left plenty for us to continue and chat about..in this letter alone. ANd i hope we do get to talk about this Sir..

For now its time to me to go to sleep..I wish you well Sir...hope you do good on your exams..as well as..i hope you feel better..knows you werent feeling too good and may have been comming down with something..This weather today was completely a mess..so i am not surprised if you are conked out already and resting the whole day..I just hope everything is well with you Sir..and any time you wish to talk to me..if you should desire..you know where ot find me..

I wish you well Sir..

Sincerely

your light

Melanie

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