Communication
Dear Sir,
This letter is supposed to clear up many of the
communication troubles which I have with you Sir. Yes
I will admit there is a communication barrier, I am
primarily the cause of this. I want to learn how I can
be more open to you. I don’t know why but there are at
times that things I want to say go unsaid, and its
frustrating that I keep these thoughts in, yet I never
tell you them. Even now I find it difficult been
thinking this assignment through making my little
notations. But I am confused. The hardest part is, now
that I have the "floor" I don’t know what to say.
I was having a conversation with a friend on the
topic of safe words. I realized I have yet to use my
safe word with you Sir, but there are times I should
have. I know I should have, but I didn’t. In my
thinking I see using a safe word a failure on my part.
I have to get past the fact that it is NOT a failure.
It is a failure NOT to use it when I should be using
it. I am not talking about using it just to stop the
scene because I am "chicken shit", as another friend
of mine was so nice to call me, but the use of a safe
word is for safety. Would probably have prevented much
pain, nausea, dizziness that I have experienced if I
just pulled it. But even then I fear it. At the same
time I almost want you to push me, I want you to push
me to the point, but thankfully you know when to stop,
when to quit, You can see when to stop. I cant seem to
know when to stop. I wonder if you ever pushed me to
the limits to see if I would pull the word if I would
pull it. That is a test of my responsibility to myself
Sir. The safe word is a responsibility that I fail totake on myself Sir.
I bring this up because If I am correct now is
probably going to notch it up another level with
training. At least I hope in which you become a more
firmer, stricter Dom. Sir I really don’t want to label
it under "slavery" but if what you started on Sunday
in your eyes is considered slave training. Then Sir, I
wish to continue. I want to learn more. You said now
would be a time of tears, I am tired of tears. I want
to feel, I don’t want to be in a rut, I want to be in
ultimate pleasure Sir. You have started to teach me
these things, but at the same time I am keeping myself
back. I want to learn how to overcome that.
I have noticed a trend after each scene. It is true
that my mind wanders all over the place, I think
reflect, and replay the whole scene in my head.
Generally either a written email, or diary or even a
phone call if I can bring myself up to that, will
replay the scene and explain step by step how I feel.
My problem at times is wanting to know how you feel
Sir. I don’t know if it is actually because I am not
asking you directly how you feel, or if it is because
you don’t tell me, But Sir I would like to know what
is going through your mind. For some reason I always
feel it is what is on my mind, what is happening
upstairs with me, what is going on in my head, its all
me, rather then you. I want to know what is going on
in yours. I also want to know how am I truly doing. Do
I pass, fail, is there ways I can improve? Have I been
improving? Sir if this might sound juvenile or like
dealing with a 2 year old, I would like a report card
Sir. Give me an idea how I am doing Sir. I can only
know if I am growing, learning, or excelling only if
you tell me. After Each Scene I go on and on and on
about what is on my mind. Sir I want to know what ison your mind.
An issue which we seemed to have trouble with is the
various "Doms" I am speaking to. On a jealousy aspect,
it would be wrong for me to even be talking to them,
You are my trainer, you are my Dom, I have no need for
another. The thing that I would like to make clear is
that it is only "talk". I have never "scened" with
these Doms, although maybe they have given me some
type of exercise, activity, or question to think
about. That right there may prove they are
"Dominating" me, but that is not the case Sir. I have
been thinking why I even bother with other doms,
especially since the very first thing I tell them all
is that I am undergoing training, I have my doubts, I
have a dom, ect…It seems I turn to them for not only
personal guidance, but I realized Sir I turn to them
to better myself for You. That might not be the most
productive manner in doing so Sir but its true. I
secretly look to them because I want to be better for
you. Actually there is many reasons I look to others.
Loneliness, comfort, advise, just the fact I need to
talk. Just like I need those comforting hugs which I
rarely seem to get now a days, talking is my way of
attaining that comfort. The only regret I have is it
is so easy to talk to them, but talking to the person
that I need to. I have to learn how to Sir.
There is one thing you have been doing a lot Sir
that has been upsetting me. I dont want to say you are
threatening me that is too harsh of a term, but the
way you tell me that you can "dismiss, release, get
rid of me" Sir to make an analogy it is like a grave
digger keep telling a person "you are going to die you
know that..you are going to die, your future is death"
That is probably a horrible analogy to make Sir but
that is how I feel. Each time you say to me you can,
may, might, could dismiss me it works on my low self
esteem to begin with, hurts me, and upsets me. I can’t
predict the future, but from the way our relationship
started based on your agreed terms, that is our
future. It just hurts Sir that you remind me of itSir.
Sir we both have a communication problem. If I do
something that you dont like me doing. Tell me
Please. Does it upset you that I talk to other Doms,
tell me and I wont. Does anything I do upset or hurt
you, is there anything that I do that makes you proud
or happy. I am not a mind reader, neither are you, we
both have to work at this together, the only problem
is at times I am blind to begin with. I am learning,
beginning, just as you are, Yes Sir, you are learning
and beginning about me. Its a mutual, equal type
relationship in that respect, but talking is something
we need to do. Doesn’t have to be everyday on the
phone online ect. In fact I believe that is the
primary problem we seem to be having is when talking
online. That is where the most problems occur and I do
have to admit what happened on Thursday I am at a
complete loss. I still am. Wanted to talk to you about
it but on Friday I was ready to crash. Having just
come home only minutes before hand, then popping
online, I couldn’t have stayed up to call, especially
since I had to be up the next morning early. I amsorry I am getting off track.
I know I have yet to even begin to discuss all I
wanted to talk to you about. Sir there is so much yet
I cant seem to find the words to do so. I could talk
about the issue of slavery. To sum that up in a few
sentences. Sir I can be a slave if provoked to be, but
that "slave" is based on where the Master wishes to
take it. I willingly choose to attempt to submit,
although there is still a big piece of me that I hold
back. I am tired of holding back want to learn to let
go. Have to let go. On the topic of other Doms. I am
not scening with them, I am not fucking them, I have
no future with them. I do talk to them, ask advise and
listen to them, and try to find things that can help
me better myself with you. You can even ask Martin, we
got into a fight the other day because he is sick and
tired of me asking him how I can let myself go for
you. Have to learn how to stop asking and just startdoing.
Communication. Sir we need to talk simple as that. Our
schedules do conflict which causes a great deal of
problems. Then again, I truly dont know your schedule
anymore the one you gave me doesn’t seem to be in
effect at all. As far as mine, I have been working
overtime the past 3 weeks, exhausted over it butworking.
I am honest with you Sir, but open is another
question. Just as I know you are honest with me, but
being opened is something I have doubts about on your
part as well. That is one of the reasons I primarily
hesitated on the answer "Do you think I lie to you".
Hesitation if I may say is not a sign of disobedience
Sir, it is a sign that you struck a nerve or a thought
within my head and that the answer I am giving is
something that either I am at a loss at, unsure of,
afraid to answer, having to think about it. If that is
a sign of insolence then I am Sorry Sir, that is one
of the last things I want to do to you.
Sir there are many things I would like to discuss
with you and hopefully we can talk about this. For now
to recap the assignment if I may.
Part 1)The assignment is not complete, this one will
never be complete until we talk and talk and by then
more and more of it will come about
2)Spelling and hopefully grammar should be correctSir, used spell check.
3)A few instances may be passive aggressive Sir, but
more so probably along the lines of low self esteem
and/or assuming your opinion. For that I am sorry Sir
but that is the very issue of this letter. I need to
stop assuming and start communicating with you so that
I understand what you are thinking and no assumptionsare needed.
4)I think I left things out primarily because this
letter is long enough, under a time constraint
although grateful you have given me an extension Sir.
5)Although due Fri and extended till Sunday, its now
2am Sunday morning I and finishing this up after an
overly exhausting day of work, partying, drinking ect,
going to send it now since I know tomorrow morning
this probably will not be done, nor finished.
6)This will be added to my diary Sir the next time Igo and update it.
I am sorry if this letter wasnt what you expected
Sir. The point of this letter in general is Sir "We
need to talk." I hope you feel better Sir and take
care of yourself, have a wonderful evening and if
possible if we can talk sometime on Sunday would loveto do so. Wishes you well
Sincerely
your lil light
Melanie
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