Communication

Dear Sir,

This letter is supposed to clear up many of the communication troubles which I have with you Sir. Yes I will admit there is a communication barrier, I am primarily the cause of this. I want to learn how I can be more open to you. I don’t know why but there are at times that things I want to say go unsaid, and its frustrating that I keep these thoughts in, yet I never tell you them. Even now I find it difficult been thinking this assignment through making my little notations. But I am confused. The hardest part is, now that I have the "floor" I don’t know what to say.

I was having a conversation with a friend on the topic of safe words. I realized I have yet to use my safe word with you Sir, but there are times I should have. I know I should have, but I didn’t. In my thinking I see using a safe word a failure on my part. I have to get past the fact that it is NOT a failure. It is a failure NOT to use it when I should be using it. I am not talking about using it just to stop the scene because I am "chicken shit", as another friend of mine was so nice to call me, but the use of a safe word is for safety. Would probably have prevented much pain, nausea, dizziness that I have experienced if I just pulled it. But even then I fear it. At the same time I almost want you to push me, I want you to push me to the point, but thankfully you know when to stop, when to quit, You can see when to stop. I cant seem to know when to stop. I wonder if you ever pushed me to the limits to see if I would pull the word if I would pull it. That is a test of my responsibility to myself Sir. The safe word is a responsibility that I fail totake on myself Sir.

I bring this up because If I am correct now is probably going to notch it up another level with training. At least I hope in which you become a more firmer, stricter Dom. Sir I really don’t want to label it under "slavery" but if what you started on Sunday in your eyes is considered slave training. Then Sir, I wish to continue. I want to learn more. You said now would be a time of tears, I am tired of tears. I want to feel, I don’t want to be in a rut, I want to be in ultimate pleasure Sir. You have started to teach me these things, but at the same time I am keeping myself back. I want to learn how to overcome that.

I have noticed a trend after each scene. It is true that my mind wanders all over the place, I think reflect, and replay the whole scene in my head. Generally either a written email, or diary or even a phone call if I can bring myself up to that, will replay the scene and explain step by step how I feel. My problem at times is wanting to know how you feel Sir. I don’t know if it is actually because I am not asking you directly how you feel, or if it is because you don’t tell me, But Sir I would like to know what is going through your mind. For some reason I always feel it is what is on my mind, what is happening upstairs with me, what is going on in my head, its all me, rather then you. I want to know what is going on in yours. I also want to know how am I truly doing. Do I pass, fail, is there ways I can improve? Have I been improving? Sir if this might sound juvenile or like dealing with a 2 year old, I would like a report card Sir. Give me an idea how I am doing Sir. I can only know if I am growing, learning, or excelling only if you tell me. After Each Scene I go on and on and on about what is on my mind. Sir I want to know what ison your mind.

An issue which we seemed to have trouble with is the various "Doms" I am speaking to. On a jealousy aspect, it would be wrong for me to even be talking to them, You are my trainer, you are my Dom, I have no need for another. The thing that I would like to make clear is that it is only "talk". I have never "scened" with these Doms, although maybe they have given me some type of exercise, activity, or question to think about. That right there may prove they are "Dominating" me, but that is not the case Sir. I have been thinking why I even bother with other doms, especially since the very first thing I tell them all is that I am undergoing training, I have my doubts, I have a dom, ect…It seems I turn to them for not only personal guidance, but I realized Sir I turn to them to better myself for You. That might not be the most productive manner in doing so Sir but its true. I secretly look to them because I want to be better for you. Actually there is many reasons I look to others. Loneliness, comfort, advise, just the fact I need to talk. Just like I need those comforting hugs which I rarely seem to get now a days, talking is my way of attaining that comfort. The only regret I have is it is so easy to talk to them, but talking to the person that I need to. I have to learn how to Sir.

There is one thing you have been doing a lot Sir that has been upsetting me. I dont want to say you are threatening me that is too harsh of a term, but the way you tell me that you can "dismiss, release, get rid of me" Sir to make an analogy it is like a grave digger keep telling a person "you are going to die you know that..you are going to die, your future is death" That is probably a horrible analogy to make Sir but that is how I feel. Each time you say to me you can, may, might, could dismiss me it works on my low self esteem to begin with, hurts me, and upsets me. I can’t predict the future, but from the way our relationship started based on your agreed terms, that is our future. It just hurts Sir that you remind me of itSir.

Sir we both have a communication problem. If I do something that you dont like me doing. Tell me Please. Does it upset you that I talk to other Doms, tell me and I wont. Does anything I do upset or hurt you, is there anything that I do that makes you proud or happy. I am not a mind reader, neither are you, we both have to work at this together, the only problem is at times I am blind to begin with. I am learning, beginning, just as you are, Yes Sir, you are learning and beginning about me. Its a mutual, equal type relationship in that respect, but talking is something we need to do. Doesn’t have to be everyday on the phone online ect. In fact I believe that is the primary problem we seem to be having is when talking online. That is where the most problems occur and I do have to admit what happened on Thursday I am at a complete loss. I still am. Wanted to talk to you about it but on Friday I was ready to crash. Having just come home only minutes before hand, then popping online, I couldn’t have stayed up to call, especially since I had to be up the next morning early. I amsorry I am getting off track.

I know I have yet to even begin to discuss all I wanted to talk to you about. Sir there is so much yet I cant seem to find the words to do so. I could talk about the issue of slavery. To sum that up in a few sentences. Sir I can be a slave if provoked to be, but that "slave" is based on where the Master wishes to take it. I willingly choose to attempt to submit, although there is still a big piece of me that I hold back. I am tired of holding back want to learn to let go. Have to let go. On the topic of other Doms. I am not scening with them, I am not fucking them, I have no future with them. I do talk to them, ask advise and listen to them, and try to find things that can help me better myself with you. You can even ask Martin, we got into a fight the other day because he is sick and tired of me asking him how I can let myself go for you. Have to learn how to stop asking and just startdoing. Communication. Sir we need to talk simple as that. Our schedules do conflict which causes a great deal of problems. Then again, I truly dont know your schedule anymore the one you gave me doesn’t seem to be in effect at all. As far as mine, I have been working overtime the past 3 weeks, exhausted over it butworking.

I am honest with you Sir, but open is another question. Just as I know you are honest with me, but being opened is something I have doubts about on your part as well. That is one of the reasons I primarily hesitated on the answer "Do you think I lie to you". Hesitation if I may say is not a sign of disobedience Sir, it is a sign that you struck a nerve or a thought within my head and that the answer I am giving is something that either I am at a loss at, unsure of, afraid to answer, having to think about it. If that is a sign of insolence then I am Sorry Sir, that is one of the last things I want to do to you.

Sir there are many things I would like to discuss with you and hopefully we can talk about this. For now to recap the assignment if I may. Part 1)The assignment is not complete, this one will never be complete until we talk and talk and by then more and more of it will come about 2)Spelling and hopefully grammar should be correctSir, used spell check. 3)A few instances may be passive aggressive Sir, but more so probably along the lines of low self esteem and/or assuming your opinion. For that I am sorry Sir but that is the very issue of this letter. I need to stop assuming and start communicating with you so that I understand what you are thinking and no assumptionsare needed. 4)I think I left things out primarily because this letter is long enough, under a time constraint although grateful you have given me an extension Sir. 5)Although due Fri and extended till Sunday, its now 2am Sunday morning I and finishing this up after an overly exhausting day of work, partying, drinking ect, going to send it now since I know tomorrow morning this probably will not be done, nor finished. 6)This will be added to my diary Sir the next time Igo and update it.

I am sorry if this letter wasnt what you expected Sir. The point of this letter in general is Sir "We need to talk." I hope you feel better Sir and take care of yourself, have a wonderful evening and if possible if we can talk sometime on Sunday would loveto do so. Wishes you well

Sincerely

your lil light

Melanie

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