September 2000 Diary

September 1 2000

*sighs*..it is times like these i feel almost as though i am a failure. Today was a very busy day we were short staffed..and i dont know maybe just because i am new..under pressure i just dont know but somehow i short changed someone 100 dollars. And the bad thing is..according to my records it had to be this poor old senile lady..God..we were busy as anything and she held me up for 45 mins..even i was getting annoyed..and i just wanted to kick her out of the damn place. But i feel so badly. She will hopefully come back she comes all the time and i always get stuck with her..almost like i am cursed..but i really feel bad. So now i am showing $100 dollars..that is going to fuck up my review big time. *takes a deep breath* well anyway..at least this weekend i am off since labor day weekend..the bank is closed on sat sun and monday..that is a plus..so i have a nice weekend all too myself. Yet there are only two things on my mind..Highlander and Jim..*giggles*..i know..shouldnt have my mind set on only that..but..what else is ther..there is no plans in my house..family is working..and well i really am not doing anything. actually really dont know if going to see Jim..hope so..would love to see that movie..been waiting years to see it..*giggles*..i am a highlander freak completely

things really havent been happening. seems all that i am doing is work and play work and play..with the internet in between..hmm..have to go do something with myself...maybe i should go back to school..or it not maybe get a second job..just i find myself comming home so tired..but yet i have so much time on my hands. what is there to do..good question..believe it or not was looking into dancing school..*giggles*..but who am i kidding..i dont know..just have to do something..question is..what?

Sunday Sept 3, 2000

Well although it is slightly early this morning i am exhausted and probably have good reason too..*giggles*..went to see Jim yesturday and of course we spent the whole day together.. I met him on the train at 12:30 and we literally ran to make the 1:00 showing of Highlander End Game..i have waited almost 3 years to see that movie..and although being that i am a strict highlander fan and just love the movie so much..had to say it was good..although *sighs*..was a little disappointed.could have been much better then what it was..and i am almost upset at who gets killed and how. But the only question is..when will Duncan and Methos ever battle it out...and not even going to question the finale of the series..umm..that is one of those non-existant parts as well..

Anyway..*smiles with a blush*..there is so much i could say about last night..when we got to his apartment..it almost started with the teasing right away..almost as if we dont wait for anything...interesting enough way in the beginning he asked about if a Gorean Master snapped his fingers..would a slave just jump into a kneel at his whim..answer is yes of course they would..However..given the safe way out..i answered with a true answer of it depends on the Master's wishes. That was not an answer of a slave..but then again was also almost a test and question of whether at that moment Jim wanted to play the role of a gorean Master? He didnt snap his fingers..but said in his controlling dominating voice..Down Kneel..*smiles*..that just sends shudders through me at times. So down i went..and in almost a tease of not only him but myself..he taunted me with his cock..knowing i just love to suck it touch it tease it..run his balls through my palms. Finally i did get to do all that i desired..and he gave me a simple assignment..work at it until he cums..wanted to do that so badly to please him..wanting him to cum in my mouth just to know what it feels like, tastes like..is like. but the tease was at the moment he was about to explode he pulled out telling me to stop..and then asking me a question or something or doing something to me..which..arggg caused me to almost have to start all over again. But actually that was the beauty of it..because i got to tease him for a longer time as well as he didnt get to cum which meant later on eventually he would have to..*giggles* During one of the times while i was suckling upon him he gently removed his belt from his pants..wrapping it around my neck pressing tighter and tighter...and when he was about to cum and i withdrew..it was then we started one of the make shift breath plays/aphixiation plays one can do. Not choaking..but he started to tighten it up...tighter to the point i could feel the pulsations against the leather strap in my neck..then to suckle on his cock...the room just seem to get hotter and hotter and hotter..but when he took off the leather it was almost like all the blood rushed to my head..and i felt dizzy..really dizzy.had to calm down for a moment and get a drink water anything. I even sat on the couch for a few mins..almost about to pass out. but just needed that few moments to calm down especially in my feet..didnt realize..but the kneel and the mixtuer of the pain and pleasure..never realized that i lost circulation in my feet..and the pins and needle effect was unbearable i even had to yell at Jim telling him not to touch me because it hurt so much. He almost instinctively being that masseus that he is..but instinctively wants to massage and warm the muscles back up helping the flow...but it actually hurts more with me..give me one moment then i am fine.

i know i am going out of order must be..because whenever we meet we do so much together it is really hard to reconstruct the day and it can take me a few days just to truly understand what we did how we did it..and any questions that pop into mind. But i believe pretty much after this we sat down to eat. I was starving and think my sugar was kind of low..because pretty much i was really feeling dizzy...then again aside from the heat and humidity..i had my cursed period..*sighs*..well plus side i did get it..was worried about that last time...but..of all the times to get it..because i was at the point i just wanted to fuck Jim completely. I even straddled him and had him enter me..pumping slightly up and down..and almost felt guilty because he was so into it..and just shook his head that this is wrong..felt in a sick way that i was almost raping him..yet that is a fantasy i have..to just tie him up completely whether he wants to or not..pop a condom on him and just use him for my pleasure straddling him away. ummmm..*shrugs*..but withdrawing from him..had to do it slow..because he was just at the brink of cumming completely and the slightest of movements would have set him off...*sighs*..downside to it was when i withdrew from him he was covered in blood. My period wasnt heavey that i didnt need any protection or anything and wasnt wearing it..but internally it was...and well he had blood all over him..that was a downer really was. He took a shower..although i did want to help him..but at least he allowed me to watch..was in the bathroom with him..washing up myself slightly..almost wanted to join him in the shower as well..but..*sighs*. anyway..he cleaned himself off..and i put a tampon on..wasnt that bad in fact later on that evening when i removed it..was almost like their wasnt even blood on it at all...problem was..it wasnt necessarily the blood that was all over..it was my excitement. I always get soaking wet with him completely..in fact their are times i get so wet have to go to the rest room to dry off a bit..but that excitement mixed with the littlest of blood..is almost like an outpouring of blood. IN fact my period was basically done last night..it was..leaked through when he penetrated..but didnt at all it was only because of all the excitment. But that was a different experience..and although i was a little ashamed..i think maybe i do have a sanguinist side to me.because the blood also turned me on a bit. Still have that image of him pricking his fingers from the first time with the blood dribbling out and me suckling against it..its a real turn on for me.

But a reality check..there is a few things i am worried about..I know i am clean..I have no diseases, no STD's..i am completely clean. But Jim is also playing with 2 other girls..hmm..3 girls all at once..why must everything evolve around 3..but..he is playing with 3 girls..i dont have a problem with that..but what i am worried about it..how do i know that they are clean?..I dont. I am trusting myself with Jim in his honesty and everything even that could be my mistake..but i trust him in that respect..but all i want to know it..how do i know they are all right? as well as..since i know about them..do they necessarily know about me?

Yesturday i was supposed to bathe, pamper, and massage Jim..i really felt guilty after the last time..umm turns out he has other plans..he took out the digital camara..and i gave him a lesson on gorean positioning..and he took pictures of me in the various positions...yes i was clothed..but i just wanted a picture of myself kneeling for a change. And as soon as i get those copy..which i hope he sends me soon...think maybe bold enough to place it up here..umm..that is a real maybe.

He then brought me to his room..this was almost after i literally begged him to get off the computer..and let me tie him up..wanted to really tie him up..and tease him..but he has other plans..we were in his room..and he placed simple handcuffs behind my back..and slowly begin explaining the breath play we were about to try..He was going to take a tube..which he cut with his swiss army knife..that alone just broght on the excitement and fear..knowing i am slightly vunerable in handcuffs..could still kick scream and what not..but with a knife in hand..i would have little power...*smiles*..that is a rush completely..but watching him cut the tubing as he explains what he is going to do with me. What was supposed to happen was that he would place the tube in my mouth a little bit..then start wrapping tape around and around my face..covering my mouth...covering my nose..and just covering everything...where i could only breath through the tube and nothing else...downside of it was the tape wasnt too good..didnt stay on face..but still the helplessness of that position felt soo good..that even then i was going into that dreamy state...but he took it off..didnt work to well. It was then..where we really had fun. He decided to tie me up in a full body karada..but immediately told me to Strip Everything Off. That command alone..i felt it peirce right though my heart with excitement. I took everything off..and well he started to tie me up...bad part was...disappointed had my period..blahhh..not that it wsa bad..but there are still bodily effect of the period..which i wish didnt happen..but oh well..anyway..he took his time..and a LOT of rope..*smiles*..i was just getting so lost in it..to see his time, dedication, work, he was so perfect with it..had to make sure everything was right..and it was truly the work of someone in intense thought and intelligence to see him think, plan and strategize. And to see the way he tied each knot wrapping it around my body..and i was just getting lost in it..was unbelievable. He placed bright red tape against my mouth..He knows how i fear silence..and it was the torment of only him doing all the talking..him doing all the movement. scared me..but it excited me completly. Oo..forgot to mention what he did before he gagged me..that had a purpose a little later..but he ordered me down on the bed..and started spanking me with the tube..hurt like anything..and he started to drip wax against my buttocks..only tormenting thing it was in hte same spot and it was PAINFUL my eyes almost begin to water..and here i was in a hog tie karada..dripping wax against my buttocks..and the pain was unbearable..but didnt want him to stop..and didnt pull the safe word..just wanted him to slow down that is all and not pour in the same spot. I know i have my safe word and can pull it at any time...thing is..almost want the pain as well. Some times it gets unbearable..but it is also the pain which is really fearful and exciting..maybe i am a masochist comming out..was always a baby for pain..yet..here i am almost craving it as well. He then went inside to get some ice..and it was the throbbing of the candle wax that really did hurt..was almost like it still didnt dry on my skin..didnt like those candles..have to get him a different type..they were too strong..but he got some ice..and started rubbing it against the wax...and i was squirming all over the place..at one point he was running it against my feet..and my arms..and i was laughing so much in tears..because i am sooo ticklish..that he even warned me that if i kicked the ice out of his hands..he is getting the paddle out to spank me...I dont like spankings..and especially although loved it..hated when he earlier on in the evening pinned me against the wall and slapped my ass with his hands..I was pinned and panting..and each blow that i thought would come..didnt and when i didnt think it would come it did..and it hurt..i know he could have left my ass raw and red..but it tingled so much and having him put the skirt back down over it when it was at that point..it just lingered on..but back to the ice..i didnt kick it out of his hands..although dont hink so..and was squirming all over the place..but he inserted it behind the ropes into my ass..and to feel it slowly melt within me..was getting lost.

After getting up off the bed from this position..he then put the gag on me..and asked about taking picturs of me like this. I was all for it..a little scared..but it was like my biggest fantasy was comming to life..that i would be naked gagged and bound..and would have someone taking pictures of me. It was one of those things never could admit to..but either he always wanted to do it too..or saw the way i always various wandered my eyes towards the camara a few times..not only yesturday but other times as well..it was always like it was at the back of my mind..but never could admit it. So we took pictures of me in this beautful karada.*smiles* Do have to laugh about one thing and that was that he had my ankles tied with a separate rope..and had me walk to the living room was walking tiny tiny steps..and although my body was completely bound...i was mumbling through the gag..finally in total frustration..just manuvered my ankles..and bam was out of the ankle binds in less then 3 secs..umm what can i say i am a little bondage eel after all..*giggles*..so walked to the living room and was even able still bind..to slip the ankle bind back on the exact position as it was in..he was impressed and that got him to laugh. *smiles*..

Overall it was a wonderful day..and he did have his way with me..he fucked me up the ass until he came..and although the pain aspect of it feels good..o0(omg have a recurring pain fixation in this entry..umm dont know what that means)..but although first initially when he penetrates and has to do so very very slowly..it is just too much to handle and then to have me hunched over in the bed..and he is pressing against my ass..it feels wonderful..but once a rhythem is set..and he easily slides in and out with no problem..it is almost like it loses the sensations..I cant feel when he cums although knew he came when he withdrew and felt it sliding down my leg...even dribbled unto the floor which he stepped in later on..but..I do enjoy it..but it doesnt get me to cum and go all the way. I have more success and sensation vaginally which..argg due to my period..really couldnt fuck him the way i wanted to. But just love the pain and the thrusting within my pussy more then in the ass..but it is the initial part of getting in my ass..that just really gets me excited..But it is this act which he is deriving pleasure from.and which i am as well..and it is an act which i can finally get him to cum..*giggles*...seems anally he cant control cumming..although when i give him a blow he always stops before going all the way.

But overall wonderful evening..and i am glad he had a wonderful time. It is also the satisfaction of him admiting that he had a good time and wants me back..because there are times i fear..that each time will be the last.and he would say..you know something Melanie i didnt have a good time..and dont ever want to see you again..but..he truly had a good time..*smiles* i did as well..and just loved all the bondage he did to me. In fact..*smiles*..just usually love it all...*giggles*..and i had the left over silloette marks for over 2 hours..family saw them..but well that is another story..told my mother almost everything that happened..and well i am glad she didnt cry or freak out this time..so that is a good thing. Maybe eventually i can tell her the truth about it all.

(later on that evening) Being with Jim does certainly leave me tired and drained the next day..just sorry had to rush that entry a bit. But Jim did pop on today..and we talked a little bit about last night. He seemed to really enjoy himself..but ironically think he had second thoughts on whether or not i did or not. How can i reassure him. He didnt have me sailing off into subspace land all day..but on certain times he did. My pleasure was derived mainly from him..rather then myself..although it was myself that was the focus. I still question if that is greed..but i know it wasnt..and he even said i wasnt greedy yesturday. But I did really enjoy watching him with the ropes..*smiles*..he says i dont give myself credit for the work and knowledge that i know..but he doesnt give himself credit at all. He knows a lot more then he likes to admit and his quick thinking and planning..makes it even the more better. I am not giving him false praises what i said was true. But now what makes it different compared to last time was that i came home deep in thought and needed to talk..but now it is almost like he is in thought about something...especially the questions he asked for the brief time we spoke today. I just hope i get to ask him about it tonight and we can talk.

and what is funny with me..the more i think about yesturday the more stuff comes to me that i forgot to mention..It is almost a collage of various sensations, ideas, play things that Jim and i do..he had his paddle with the soft furry side..and the hard leather side..rubbing it against my nipples and slapping my thighs...and my nipples were sore all day to begin with aside from my period which makes them sensitive..he put flexall on it. Didnt like the smell but cleared up my senses..he should have used the peppermint lotion..smells better glides on smoother..and burns even more..*giggles*..next time if he allows me to will put it on him. It is a delicate blend of pepermint, chamomile, and exotic herbs..great for the skin. He also spanked me which i mentioned..the anal sex..which got me utterly dizzy after it but was enjoyable in the beginning. ummm..He did show me his slide show of photos *giggles*.and i read to him the slave rules..although we only got through maybe 20..hope he reads the rest of them..we did book mark it for later use if he wishes. Speaking of which..i ahve to find that tammads bondage play list i once did a very long time ago. Not only for his use but for mine as well..because i am curious myself how my answers have changed.

Tues Sept 5

*sighs*..work was a busy busy busy day and unfortunately had drive through today was only my second time ever on it..and well i screwed up badly it was just so busy and i really had a tough time. But at least by the end of the night i was only 65 cents off..no big deal..and all the mistakes were corrected.

this morning however i didnt feel good at all..was actually left overs from last night..i was practically in tears..Not Jim's fault..my fault...but it was something we talked about..which hit me a little too strong. Actually it has been bothering me to begin with..Watersports. The other day was talking to a friend whose Master required her to drink his urine. trying to talk to her about it..sure i was opened to it..and accepted that sometimes we are asked to do things as a test of our limits..and it may go against what normal society thinks is right. I have no objections to anyone practicing watersports..but for me personally it is one of my greatest fears. Anyway..i talked to her about it..telling her to talk to her Master for communication is the key..yet..I couldnt be honest to the one whom is guiding me. Not that i wasnt honest..but i cant bear to think about watersports.

*sighs*..yesturday Jim spoke about a hidden fantasy he has about urination..maybe not necessarily with me..but he delved into that part of him and brought it out to me. Why did i have to bring it up to begin with it was my fault..All because it really did bother me about talking with my friend on this topic. I tried to sooth and calm her down when deep down inside..i was terrorfied of iit. If i was in her case..i would be huddled in the corner with tears. It is a deep dark inhibition with me..but it is also a stronger limit then even a gag. Would rather wear a gag all day long...then even faced with the thought of either being urinated upon or drink it..yet...*sighs*.

when Jim said he had this fantasy i almost couldnt bear to hear it..Ironically he asked me a simple question if i have even the least bit apart of me was interested in it..I flat out said NO. That was too simple..*sighs*..I never give straight answers..yet for that..Just wanted one answer and let it be over. Would he really wish me to drink of him..to shower my body with his warm fluid..to bathe in it...I think i am going to be sick..*blaugh*..I felt so nauseus all night last night after thinking of this. I seriously thought i was going to puke up last night..and couldnt get the flavor of urine out of my mouth...My taste buds had that flavor of it all night long..and just made me really sick. even woke up pale..and nauseus. *sighs* even now writing about it feels it..And the thing is..the only reason why this is so strong with me..is because I know what it is like to drink urine. *SIGHS* It is a fear over an incident that happened long ago.

I was at a party or something..and interlaced in my food was urine..it was a hallow pretzal rod sticks..but i remember that i ate half of it before i realized what was wrong with it..and it made me so sick that i threw up all night..with the laughing sounds of the boys who did it to me lingering through my head..as i puked up in the bathroom. The flavor of piss remains deeply lodged in me..but it is because of that..i have trouble sharing in this intimate of perversions. Why is it such a big deal with me?..Maybe because it is almost as if i wanted to try it myself. I just cant bear to do it..Not like that. Yet the funny thing is..i am slowly taking a BDSM test..retaking it after 7 months..and the answers that i have no compared to then are so different..but on the topic of bathroom control..i honestly said that i would like to watch or help another go to the bathroom although i cant do the same..But question is...can i ever have someone do so on me?

i was in tears because of this..then again..was in tears in general. I almost feel as though i am weak because of this..but Jim is right..i am brave..very brave..i mean geeze the stuff i did with him on Sat..i have NEVER done before..then again each time i see him we always do something new..but i broke my exibitionist bounds He took pictures of me..and i was ever more willing to do so again..there is so much we did..ANd the thing is..I am having the time of my life. I am not weak..but yet i feel weak.

Sat Sept 9

wow..has it really been that long since i wrote in this diary?..my bad..havent even been online that much so sort of pus this aside...well as of right now i am in pain..ALOT of pain..I condemned myself for 12 weeks of jazzercise classes..great classes..wonderful to help me stay in shape and get out of the house..but i am in PAIN..OWIE..and my whole body aches..but i went to 2 classes today..not just one..two..and went to one on Thurs..so i am really going to try...would have went friday but have to work late. But *smiles* at least i found something to get me out of the house..it will help with my weight, coordination..and i just feel really good when i go..*smiles* so it is a plus..downside..i have to get used to it..it leaves my body in aches.

things have been somewhat all right with work..I been fucking things up badly..it is almost like i fix one mistake..and get swamped with another one. I no longer make mistakes with names..but now i do make mistakes..with the money..and that is even worst..then again i was doing drive through this week which was CRAZY. It was so crowded..there is just so much that poor me can take..and drive through is just too hectic especially for a new person like me.

I havent spoken to JIm almost all week until last night which was really nice..*smiles*..brings a smile to my face..although he gave me an interesting thought in my head..the idea of having another watch and or participate during a scene. Honestly dont know if this will ever come to full fruitation however..it is an interesting thought he has a friend who is interested..i am almost game for it..but this is one of those things where he questioned..which is the force stopping you..fear or insecurity. And it would be insecurity..definately insecurity..yet this was one of my hidden desires i have been writing...It is almost as if Jim read my mind on this one..except my mind was gearing towards another man..his on another woman..*shrugs*..I have been keeping a tiny note pad in my pocket..and when a thought idea, image comes into my mind i have been writing it in the book..have a pretty interesting list going..of things that i would like to try..and these are things that are not in the bondage test that i have been taken. Food play, RPG, pearl necklace, voyuerism..ect..these are things that i am interested in..but how does one portray it..do it..is it best to just push and do it..i really don't know. But will find out...

As for online..have been putting myself up on various interest list..I think that is a big mistake...I have been getting Pms from EVERYONE..and some interesting ones as well..*giggles*..got into a fight with a new zealand horny lesbian who blew up on me because i refused to give her my pic..and plus i thought she was a male..Damn get a female name..*giggles*..but i thought she was a male just trying to cyber sex..she thinks i am a stuck up NY bitch..*shrugs*..but was almost too entertaining to see how really upset she got. That is cruel i know..i shouldnt find pleasure in the suffering of others..but remember..she is the one that contacted me..I just started talking that is all..*shrugs*..and well now i am gettin bombarded by people i have no idea about..but it is interesting..*smiles*

(later on the day)..*sighs*..really did want to go with Jim tommorrow..really did want to see him but fucking yahell. Now i am upset..even in tears..and dont even know why the fuck i am crying. I almost feel like i was abandoned..but i wasnt..was just a big misunderstanding. If he said No we cant see each other would have been fine..perfectly understandable but it is the tease of him saying YES..and then a half an our later him blowing up to me in an email that calls it off..That is almost one of the worst things that can be done..Now it is almost pointless..even if he gets my reason..my "excuse"..excuses excuses..they never help when one is upset..even if it is the important..DAMIT..how the fuck was i supposed to know yahell was lagging..i was so glad and so suprise to see him..yet i had no idea i was running on a two min lag time. No wonder he didnt get my messages..was fucking lagging the whole way through..and because of that..i cant see him for a few weeks..I just really would have liked to see him tommorrow..almost like i just needed to..*sighs*..maybe it is best we arent..because first off..even if he did change his mind after hearing all this and the way i feel..what would that mean..I get my selfish desires given into..Thats exactly what it is..I am a selfish bitch who always gets her way and if she doesnt goes into a crying fit. *sighs*...maybe that New Zealand girl was right when she called me a snobbish NY bitch.

damnit..i really dont know why this is upsetting me so much..maybe it is the fact that not only did he say we can..and he freed his schedule..but it was the fact that he just turned it around completely...AND to top that all off...he Logged off the computer so fast..yet had enough time to write and send me an email..when he could have stayed on maybe 10 secs longer to get my answer..I WAS FUCKING LAGGING..and the fact is i am still lagging..even now..DAMNIT. Now god knows when i will see him..and was almost looking forward to it..IN fact i just really jsut wanted to be with him..give him a nice massage..well maybe he would have had to give me one being i am the one in a lot of pain..But now..I *sighs*..i cant. I cant blame the computer..and i cant blame him either..but..why did he have to leave me that letter.

he knows i would have called tonight or tommorrow morning even at ungodly hours to confirm it..that is just the way i am..but to him to write an email like that to me..not even giving me a chance..then again..*sighs*..i wrote him an email just as worst..I cursed him out..i shoudnt have wrot it..i know..i just shouldnt have done it. *sighs*

Sunday Sept 10

well its sunday..and no i didnt go with Jim..I hate these games..first he says he can..then he doesnt want to..then he does want to..well..He never confirmed it..Damnit..he knew i wanted to go and knew i was able to go..but it is for the best..i am upset..and meeting him today probably would have done more harm then good..but i still wish i could talk to him..and maybe i might be able to..although it is probably best not to. I over reacted..and is taking this way to personal. He really did hurt me..then again..might as well push it on myself as i always do..i shouldnt have written that letter to him..but all i know is to read the letter he left me..i just bursted out in tears. I shouldnt have acted that way..almost proves to myself my weakness i have with him. But it doesnt matter..this whole weekend proved a lot to me. *sighs*

anyway..being that i wasnt going out with Jim..i went to early morning jazzercise class..almost taking the anger and frustration out on myself..i over worked with such ferocity and exercised..i know i burned a lot off..i will probably feel it for the next few days because i was in pain to begin with because of yesturdays double class..but i am almost taking these classes to relieve the excess tension and stress i have..As i was exercising..i almost cracked up in tears..i know i shouldnt have..GOD DAMNIT..why is this bothering me so much..i feel like i am fucking weak..And the worst part about it is..I feel guilty over everything.

I feel guilty that i enjoy Sex..I feel guilty that i delve into sick perverted things for not only my pleasure..but for the pleasure of another..I feel guilty that i want to have a three some or whatever..And most of all..I feel guilty that i gave it all to Jim..i shouldnt was my choice..i just..I dont know..i went too far..but..the thing is..I just want to keep on going..going further and further and further..sad thing is..if it is not with him..then Who..that i would have to find on my own..and probably not the best method..desparation is a bitch.

Ironically talked to a guy who lives not too far from me..talked to him for about 4 hours on the pc..and about 3 hours on the phone last night..we talked the whole day..I just needed that..needed someone to talk to..needed someone..who would just listen..funny thing is..probably will never speak to him again..although i might..who knows..But he made me realize ..honestly i dont know what he made me realize..maybe i am a slut..who has inner sexual desires..and who is so fucking greedy just needs those desires, awakenings fufilled..I should be punished that is what it is..I deserve to be punished..who the fuck cares that i am punishing myself..I am wronging everyone..Am wronging my family..my friends..my Dominant..myself..i am just wrong completely. And i am torturing my family with this..a sick perversion i have...they are so sexually restrained so why not tell them EVERYTHING i did..I told them i fucked Jim..told them i sucked his cock..told them that i love having sex..and would gladly do it again and again.

Sighs..i should have been on the train right now going on my way to the city..and you know something probably should have went anyway..even if i didnt get confirmation or not..could have by myself..found a way to his apartment taking the specified trains..and walking the 3 blocks to his place..passing the church, city bank..the video store..passing all that stuff..and settling down on his block.and figuring out how to use the intercome system to tell him to open the door and let me in..*sighs*..could have done that..but i chose not to..If he would have said no in the beginning that would have been fine..but being this was a yes no yes no yes no thing as well as the stuff he wrote to me..he hurt me..and now that i am doing nothing..well it hits me. 2 hours of exercise...breakfast..and going out with the familty does absolutly nothing for the pain and use i am feeling...but the fucking question is..WHY THE HELL IS THIS BOTHERING ME SO MUCH???..oh well..i guess it doesnt matter..It never matters..It is just me and my own little sick world..Eventually I get out of it...just the damage is already done to begin with *SIGHS*. I think i should just go to my room..use my pocket rocket..fuck myself to sleep and waste the day away in a sound slumber..then tonight..go to Bingo with the old stinky cigarette infested room...*SIGHS*.

Monday Sept 11, 2000

after reading last nights entry..damn I realized I was really fucked up..but now that I am a "sane" mode..it doesnt escape the fact that I acted like that yesturday…Well the fact is..i was upset with Jim..really upset..but got a chance to talk to him..the funny thing is..if I didnt spend so much time talking on the phone with him last night..could have still made the train and meet him with plenty of time not too worry. But I think we both needed the talk..if not both of us…I needed to talk to him at least. Anyway…it was almost as if yesturday we re-defined our relationship..umm..re-defined it..not really..that is a poor word choice..but..i introduced him issues which was on my mind..things that have been troubling me. Only thing is..i truly wonder how he felt about the way I thought.

We talked about "love"..geeze sometimes I dont even want to say that word..the "L" word..one which in my mind requires commitment, long lasting standing a bond…In my definition of love..love is a person whom you are so intuned with the bond is so strong..that you will spend the rest of your life with that person..it is that everlasting piece of each of you that you share with each other..that no other person can compare to…wow..I really dont know what love is anymore..*shrugs* I told Jim that I dont love him..was that a mistake?..he seemed almost to shut up right away when I said that..or it was something he didnt want to hear..maybe I was wrong..because isnt telling someone you care for..is intimate with has a personal bond with..and just really enjoys staying in their company…isnt saying that to a person whom you share that with..the same as almost saying..I hate You..or dont care for you at all??? Maybe I was wrong to say that..but..in my definition of love..i dont love him…yet..i think my definition of love..is almost impossible to ever achieve with something..That definition is the happily ever after definition…Of course that is a definition that I will never have with him..and probably never have with anyone ever..So the question is..What is love..I have a poster up in my room of a dead cupid with an arrow in his backside killed..and a saying besides him that says "we have degrees for murder but not for love"..That is so true..Love cannot be defined..there is too many degrees for it..I love my family..I love my cat..I love rope..but that is not the same way..I will never fuck my family…I dont know..maybe..making one definition for love was a bad idea..for the truth is..I care for Jim, worry about him..am concerned about him..and love playing with him..even besides that..he is great to talk to when I can..he lifts up my morals and spirit..can easily bring a smile to my face..and well..well..what..I really dont know what to say on that matter.

Talking with him last night really did help..but I found myself restless on edge..bored and extreemly horny..needed something to do..so I did what I said I was going to do..went to bingo. 9000 high stake game..and well..It was a riot last night..seems one of the bingo players had terrets syndrome or something..because just imagine in being dead quiet and out of no where she starts screaming out.. "TAKE OUT THE PAPERS AND THE TRASH"..or another time she screamed out.. "I HOPE YOU SUFFER FROM JOCK ITCH" You have no idea the laughter the place had..and well although they could have thrown her out…it was just too funny. I was in tears laughing so hard…I couldnt help it..and I think I really needed it to break the monotomy of boring bingo..plus bingo gets me horny anyway dont ask why…almost have a sick fantasy of going to bingo..and while the numbers are being called…to slowly have my partners hands trail over my thighs..where it is dead silent trying to watch the numbers being called…and feeling him playing with me. *giggles*..what a mind would do to one..But bingo..i did win 130 dollars..and my mother won 65 dollars..kind of disappointing..i waited five times..for one number to come out..almost winning the $1000..but..well didnt..but at least I came home with something..just too bad it cost me $165 to get in..*POUTS*..

I did do a little shopping today..just woke up with so much energy needed to burn it off..so woke my mother up really early..we went out..went shopping…bought myself some workout clothes..and sneakers..badly needed for my jazzercise classes..*giggles*..i think it is good I am doing so..been getting very depressed looking at how fat I am..and the sad part is..almost feel even fatter now that I am starting to work out and better myself. I certainly find myself having more energy..I no longer feel tired..well actually yes I do..but I dont feel it to the point of passing out. The only downside to the exercise is not only am I in constant pain…but but I find myself craving chocolate like anything..i was never this bad with sugar candy and chocoalate..but it got so bad that even my family needed to take away the candy..i really dont know what it was..stress..pain..but I have been craving chocolate way too much.

another good thing that happen today was I got my permit..woo hoo finally..took out the keys..and drove the car to the store..the funny thing is..my grandmother didnt kick in..we invited her to the store..she climbed in the front I climbed in the drivers seat my mother in the back and she is talking away at what a sale k-mart is having..blah blah blah..and my mother and I are cracking up laughing..until finally she just screamed out before I pulled out..MELANIE WHAT ARE YOU DOING..*giggles*..that is when we surprised her with my permit..took long enough..How pathetic that I havent got it in all this time..So now I am learning to drive..and well they say I am doing good..although I do NOT want to drive my mother’s car..she has a huge thunderbird..which scares the hell out of me..at least my grandmother has a nice small nissan. So I was driving..and there is a freedom into driving..although..hmm with a permit..i am stuck only driving with a liscense driver..well once I get my real liscense..who knows what may happened.

Tues Sept 12

*sighs*..i fucked up at work AGAIN..*sighs*..at this rate they will fire me..i am not taking my time..i am not counting the money slowly and i am making the most god awful fucked up mistakes..i was short today..*sighs*...this is going to look terrible on my review and everything..dont know why i have been so bad..it is almost like i regret proofing out every night because i mess up so badly.

other then that..what can i say..i am not going to exercise tonight..although i really wanted to..yet i am in pain..my legs are killing me..and i seem to be blowing up..dont know why..i look even more fatter then exercising..although do have to admit have a lot more energy..but i look at myself in the mirror and want to scream.ACKK..i am hideous..my grandmother says not to worry i will blow up in the beginning of exercise..hmm..well i never heard that before..exercise isnt supposed to make you bloated. I dont know..just feel bloated..then again..maybe it is those candy binges...arggg..think i have to hide the chocolate..*sighs*..been craving sweets like anything..all i have a craving for is sweets...thats no good i know.

and well right now i am exhausted..feet are killing me..and ankles are completely swollen..and pathetically i have absolutly nothing to say..what could i say..*shrugs*...Work sucks...I miss Jim..I regret not seeing him..I think i am a little horny...i have been thinking about his assignment he gave me..hmm possibly too much....and well..i dont know..the castle's both of them seem to be dead...no one ever wants to talk to me..and i am getting bombarded by horny guys and upset lesbians because of all the interest list i put myself on..*shrugs*..WHAT A DAY!!

Wed Sept 13

*sighs*..i think i badly need to talk...need to talk to anyone..tried talking to a very good friend of mine last night..but he had his girl to worry about..and its not fair to hear me going through one of my moods..I really dont know what it is..Even today at work..just started crying...broke out in tears..that they had to take me in the back room asking me what is wrong..if i am having any trouble at home or whatever..*sighs* That is pathetic...now it is almost as if my mood is crossing over to my real life..i was always rock solid at work never mixing the two..but it is like i am a crying sorry pathetic soul..aching to just talk...talk talk talk..but talk to who..

funny thing is i really dont know what has been bothering me..seems like i am making things up to bother me..all because i dont know what the root of it is..trying to finger the blame on someone, something..when truth is i dont know what it is at all..Just would like to know why i feel sorry for myself.

I should be going to exercise..i really should be..*sighs*..wanted to so badly.but..i feel to upset..should have worked my ass off overcomming this anger i have and frustration..but then again i am still in a lot of pain..my legs have completely blown up and i am swollen as anything..so i am just going to take it easy tonight..and relax..but that doesnt mean i am still not upset..GOD..argggggggg...*sighs*.

Tues Sept 19 2000

wow..there is a lot on my mind not too sure where to begin..and because i havent been writing much in here this entry is going to be LONG. *giggles*...knowing me may have to split this up..*shrugs* because i am getting tired...YAWNS.

ok..well today is my grandmother's birthday...she is now 72 years old and doesnt look a day over 50..many times they think she is my mother...but she is really a rocking granny at times..*giggles*.she goes to the jazzercise classes 2times a day..and she is jsut very fit wonder if i could be like that when i am 70. But today was her birthday and well thing that was hard is that well times were tight a little bit..didnt get her anything although we took her out to a nice breakfast..and well it was the topic of the breakfast..that has me a little bit upset, confused..annyoed..but just overall tired. It has to do with what happened on Sunday..and all i could say is.>EVERYTHING happened on Sunday..so...umm

Sunday Sept 17

yes i had to go to work..at the gym..been a long time since i watched the kiddies and i realized i really missed that place..the pay was lousy..but i love kids..there was a little one year old..baily..now i remember her when she was only 6 months old..and to see her now walking and everything brought a huge smile to my face..it was wonderful to see how much she grew...now she was the only kid i had early that morning...and she was exhausted. 10 mins after her parents dropped her off..she was in my lap..and conked right off to sleep. This actually worked out well..i was a little tired and nervous myself..and wasnt in the mood for any problems with the kiddes..so i just held her in my arms..as she was asleep..That image is almost too precious..and did bring a smile. After that..i had two more kids come in..both girls..and they were older..both 8 years old..and well kind of tough with the older ones at times because all the toys in the nursery are geared towards babies..but we all had a wonderful talk..about boys..*giggles*..how cute..at least between 3 kids..i ended up with an $8 dollar tip which was GREAT..needed that extra cash for the train...all because..I was going to see my friend..*giggles*

yes the one i mentioned earlier..unfortunately things didnt work out..but i finally got to meet my friend whom i have known here online for about 2-3 years or so..she is a wonderful person..but to finally have a chance to meet the person behind the screen..wow..where do i begin..First off..my train was LATE...i felt so bad..was rushing around..between going straight from work to the train station...then finding out the train didnt come because they changed the train schedule..having to drive back home since my grandmother started to get weak from low blood sugar..then racing back to the train station and to her up telling her that i am going to be late...rather then meeting at 3:30 like originally planned..told her i will be there at 4:00..only problem was on the transfering train..it was LATE..so i didnt finally get to meet her until 4;20..felt so bad that she was waiting so long..but ironnically i knew it was her right away. She was just standing there..i think she was a little nervous..but seeing her for the first time..*smiles*..she seemed so much more different then online..but different in a good way. I alway had a thought of her being very shy, subserviant quiet..but she is actually almost loud, outspoken, friendly, loveable, playful, compassionate..she has wonderful qualities about her. Well..we started walking and talking..and TALKING did we ever do..We talked about EVERYTHING..work, family, problems, sex, shopping..our conversations ranged completely throughout the whole day..and it was just a girl day's out..we even went to the Harley davidson cafe..Always wanted to go there..just never did..but it was a nice place..wish they had better food variety..but i settled for a classic cheeseburger..and mmmmm we shared a delicious sweet cookie and icecream desert...but really were talking in the restuarant on a lot of discussions..primarily about me..and she was helping me through a lot of problems and issues i was having...most of all she was giving me the advise, encouragement that i needed on a female perspective..because it is true..there is no one i could talk to about this that truly understands..that is female. I always talk to guys about this..between Jim Martin..and a few other friends i have here online..i just never got that female side to it.

While we were talking..my mind was surely wandering..kept getting the image in my mind of having a three-some with her and Jim..see now it is almost where i come to a loss..here i had this wonderful time with her..and i was getting sexual thoughts with her..and you are probably thinking that it was just a fantasy..but it was a fantasy that became a reality...we were both talking...and ended up at Jims place..*bites lips*..probably shouldnt even be going into details about this..but being names are still confidential..but this is something that has impacted me greatly..For although it wasnt necessarily a three-some..no female/female contact..basically we both teased the hell out of Jim..then he took control..and dominated her..as i watched. That simple act alone of me watching was such a turn on for me. I have never seen Jim act the way he did with her..he was much more agressive, controlling, dominating..got me really excited to even see him that way..ARRGGG..there is so much i could go into..i even wrote a 3 page list of thoughts trying to understand the feelings and things that was going about. But on this occasion..I am NOT going to go in details..although probably should so i could almost replay the scene myself..and truly understand it..but a few things i will say which really stand out..is that i kissed her on the lips..and it wasnt a kiss out of love, lesbianism or a simple kiss..it was almost one of consoling..she was in a new situation..i was too..and although she had a scene with him..at the end of it..she gave me a quick peck on my cheek..and i asked her for permission to actually kiss her..we both talked about it..and all i know is..it was so much different..softer, distant, lingering..i know each kiss with any person is different..but it is also the psychology behind kissing..It was very beautiful.

hmm..i could go on and on and on..there was so many things i felt..so many things i have seen...but the truth is..I didnt do anything to her..and neither did she..i did however touch her under the directio of Jim..but..in the back of my mind..i almost regret not taking more control. I knew i had the power...damn..i had Jim's wrist restrained..and could have went much further..i mean even the simplest things were running through my mind..but aside from my insecurity..the addition of the other..added to the fact that..it probably wasnt right for me to delve into the evil thoughts running through my mind..and *sighs*..i know shouldnt call them evil..but to flip back to what happened today i almost feel guilty

(back to tuesday)

Now when i got home on suday..it was the late train ..in fact..didnt get home until 2am..and had to wake up for work on monday...and that was a nightmare to begin with..but pushing that aside..i really didnt get to see or talk to my family until today..and they knew what i did..I made a promise to myself that i wsant going to tell them. Both Jim and Alyssa said..there is no need to tell them..have to be more independant..this is my life not their's and they have no need to know every move i make..*sighs*..they now know...well on that respect i am weak..and of course they knew..i didnt even have to say anything..the only thing that is a big factor is the guilt aspect..I feel guilty..and they made sure it was rubbed in

while we were at the table..they flat out asked me...You saw Jim as well didnt you?..What was i supposed to say..so i asked them..why do you think that??...and well they had more then enough evidence..1)i got home late..2)i was too quiet and guilty..and 3)they noticed the mark on my neck..ummm..actually almost suprised they did..didnt think they saw it..but they knew that my friend didnt give it to me..so had to be Jim. And all i had to do was confirm there suspiscions which i did..and gave into what they wanted and said..Ok..yes..i did see Jim..*sighs*..and well that started the whole termoil of guilt. I told them mostly of what happened..*sighs* They knew it..and well they even had their premenitions about it..*shakes head*..so even if i did lie to them and say i didnt go to Jim..they knew i would be lying..so i tormented myself.and tormented them..by telling them everything. they had to rubb in the fact."why did you keep this from us"..yeah yeah yeah..just rub it in even more. I know what i did in their eyes is wrong..and well..they know i feel guilty about it..and they have a nice way of using that guilt against me..or i use it against myself perhaps..but point is..yes it does hurt to face them at times..and to face what they have to say.but in this case..it was them who wanted to go. For two days i just kept it where it was and that was i went with my friend and that was it..kept it like that..They wanted to know..the price that not only i pay but they pay for this knowledge is a tough one..*sighs*

There is so much to say..but would be rambling ..but will say yesturday at work was a tough day for not only was i left exhausted from the sunday adventure..turns out we went down at work..computers were offline all day..and that caused a shit load of problems..Normally i would get out at 4:15 from work..we didnt get out until 6..it was a NIGHTMARE...left me in tears after work..i was even driving home and the tears were flooding down..and i was hunched over in pain completely..i was just a wreck yesturday..at least when i got home and after taking a short nap..was able to talk to JIm about what happened on sunday..just needed to talk..as well as hear his opinions on the matter..it was so different..so exciting..and i was even different..my insolence..my attidude..and the enjoyment i got from watching the scene unfold..It was a wonderful experience..it really was.

(later on today)I know this entry is all over the place..probably since my mind is all over the place..I did get a chance to talk to Jim online...i think i messed it up. Although i have seen him/spoke to him the past three days..i realized aside from sunday..all it was is my problems...yes My problems..On Sat..i called him up bursting into tears..I couldnt take it..I was crying my eyes out..and for what?..I really dont know..it was a trigger of events that just made me cry. I met up with an old friend on line..one who i confided in..and i know i regret ever doing so...i really do. It was a person i should probably have never trusted...but it still doesnt mean i didnt confide in him..but..seeing him..then thinking of AJ..geeze..AJ..he is still on my mind..probably never forget him..Even when i was with my friend on sunday...AJ was brought up..and the sad part is..never met him, held him, touched him..but i truly loved him. Yes the L word..the one i dont understand..I loved AJ. But today talking to Jim..geeze..he was aat work...was so suprised to see him but all i thought about was..that i messed it up. I knew he would be disappointed..we discussed about me and my family especially the aspect of me not talking to my family. That sounds wrong..in fact..to me that is Wrong. I know i lead my own life..but shouldnt i tell them what is going on..here they are entrusting me to go to the city alone, meet up with not only a man who dominates and introduces and guides me through a world of sexual fantasies..but as well as a female friend as well. I am allowed to do whatever i want..and well the price to pay for it is..the guilt of how wrong they think it is..and the guilt that it extends to me. Problem is..I realise i do punish myself..that is what it is..telling them is a punishment to myself. In fact later on this evening..after talking to Jim after making things calm down..after all that stuff..i went to my mother..and honestly asked her a simple question...I asked her for her...would it be easier if i didnt say anything that happened..and not talk about what i do with Jim..or would you rather i tell it to you all...You know what she said to me.."of course i want to know what happen..I dont ever want you to keep things from me...but You go into details about it..and do so all day"..*sighs*..she is right..i do. It is like they give me permission to tell them what happen..but i go into all out details. I really do..and the more they dont approve of it..it is like the more i dig it in..almost mocking them in an insolent way..letting all there fears of what the worst can happen believed..."Ok Fine MoM you wanted to know what i did..I was with Jim and my friend..and he dominated the hell out of her along with a wonderful flogging and i watched..and i will tell you..i got completely turned on by it"..*sighs*..i know..its me..i really do..i punish myself..i punish them..only thing is..i cant even handle my own punishment..But now who am i letting down through this letting Jim and my friend down because i told my family...I am letting my family down for not only because i told them too much..but if i didnt tell them they would not have trusted me..I let myself down because i betrayed myself to my family...didnt take the advice and opinions of those whom i trust and respet..and most of all..i feel i upset Jim today...at least if it wasnt upset...i botherd him...the way he spoke to me..as well as the good bye message he left me...I said to him please dont be mad at me Sir..and his response was.."i am not mad...just a friend concerned"...*sighs*..and he logged off. Just a friend concerned...I did upset him..i was selfish..of all the things i could have talked about..had to tell him that...and almost in my mind..so what i told my family..what would happen if i didnt tell him that i told them?..but i am too honest..wouldnt do that to him. *sighs*...i am confused..but ironically...oh well..*shrugs*

one last thing before the day is out..I had another talk with my family..and it was at this time..in which i needed to get things settle. I dont regret telling them everything..i dont regret that they dont agree with me..i will admit there is guilt about certain aspects of it..but at least i know..they may not accept what i do..they may not agree with it..but i should be damn greatful they allow me to.One can easily say..but melanie it is your own life..you shouldnt have to answer to them..but..i still live with them..i still are governed by their rules..there law...and i accept it..Plus..well they think that i am crazy..so i had a long talk and as soon as my benifits kick in..i will go for counseling for what they believe is to break me of these control power exchange BDSM sexual thoughts..for they told me..aside from the sex aspect that they are against..they are against the fact that they believe i need someone in control..*sighs*..i tried to explain it..it is not that i NEED it..it is the fact that i allow it, crave it, want it..and do so willingly...It is kind of hard..to explain..but well..i know i am not crazy..and by going to a psyc they have another reason to rub it in..but at least..i will get the help i need, have someone to talk to..as well as understand my thoughts..

Sept 20 2000

well this is a day of many things..hmmm..3 months with Jim... and well righ tnow..hmm dont know what to say..*giggles*..am a bit hyper..just came back from a jazzercise class..damn i love those classes..I find myself working out with such ferocity, such intenstity..it almost relieves all my burdens the more sweat i shed..*giggles*..guess it is a more productive way then crying..but i am not upset so no need to cry. But i just love those classes..*smiles*..and well now i have a lot of energy.

Today at work..was a good day..worked through drive through and was extra careful..*smiles*..no problem proofing out at all..and was a quiet day. They want me to write a poem for the bathroom..*shakes head* of all places to put a poem..but something to keep up on the wall..to premote the product selling..you see we have 10 days to open up 24 checking accounts...so far we just seem to be making our goal..but if we open up those accounts..we all get destination points..and that is something i could use..because you save up the points..the company will either give you prizes or you can save up for an all expense paid vacation and other wonderful perks..so..i am hoping we do it..but..for some reason dont think so..because even me..i havent been pushing it to my potential as well.

TOnight is a bad night in the air..i spoke to JIm about this...well i am just worried..driving on the road..it just didnt seem right..you ever get those nights where you feel something is goig to happen?..I asked JIm to becareful..hope he will be..but even then..there are things to worry about here as well..seems a transformer went out across the town...and at the same time a protest is gathering up tonight..Who the hell has a protest on a wed night??..Protests usually happen during the day..not during the night..It is just a weird night in the air..i am just glad i am home..and soon to be snuggled in bed.

tonight was supposed to have a castle meeting..but looks like it is a no show..oh well..i tried..its my fault as well i havent made the meetings myself in a few weeks...it is almost like the blind leading the blinder..do they really need a cult following..but maybe that was it..the meetings just were to humor me..*shrugs*..i dont know..but will try again next week.

Fri Sep 22

I am confused completely. *sighs*..ironically not upset at the present..if anything actually a little tired..but my day was good..work was fine no problems..but in the back of my mind..i am confused about something. I am confused about relationships..i really am.

giggles it is almost a stupid story..you see next store from my bank is a radio shack..and every morning there is this guy that waits and waits and waits like a complete asshole on the corner waiting for it to open up..he is an employee there..but he provided many laughs..well the other day..he walked over to me..and out of no where he screams..MELANIE???...OMG i almost died..i couldnt believe who it was..turns out it was a former friend i used to work with when i worked at a party shop 4 years ago..funny thing is he had the Biggest crush on me. He asked me out so many times i told him NO NO NO NO NO..was a rule i dont mix business with pleasure..plus..he scared the hell out of me..mainly because..i had a crush on him at that time as well and would think of myself fucking him..bear in mind..this is 4-5 years ago. My mentality was so much different then..well anyway..we talked for a little bit and exchanged phone numbers..he said he would give me a call that evening..me i almost just shrugged it off..with a yeah yeah yeah..almost as if not believing him..well sure enough he called me yesturday..and we spent 6 hours talking on the phone..ummmm *bites lips*..thank goodness he has unlimited regional calling. But the funny thing is..we talked about Sex..in fact i cant believe we even began talking about it in such a way..it almost makes me feel like a slut because i could think of myself completely fucking him..*sighs*..but bascially we talked much about my guilt, insecurities.and the fact that i deny myself from nature..I deny myself from releasing. He knew i was so hot last night..he knew i was absolutely horney..and he also knew if he was in the room with me at that moment..i would be nakid with him..*sighs*..he tried to seduce me into phoning..i told him absolutely not..but the funny thing was he didnt do it for his pleasure..he did it for mine..because he even had me make him a promise for my benifit..he made me promise him that sometime during that night i would relax and play with myself completely releasing and cumming..that was what he ordered me to do..waas to cum..not for him..not for anyone..but to cum for myself..for he knows i desparately needed it..*sighs*..i tried to give myself pleasure that night..used everything i could think of..but all i could do is take my hair brush soaked with my own excitment..toss it against the wall in total frustration..and cry myself to sleep..I feel i betrayed a big part of myself to him..damnit..why did the conversation even bring up in the first place..i almost made a promise that if i ever meet a guy BDSM would not be the topic. turns out it was..and the only reason it was...because HE brought it up..He was giving me a list of qualities that he saw in me..when i asked him why he would even be interested in me..and two words he said which struck a chord was that he sees me both as a dominant and submissive persona..well that send lightening bolt throughout me..we took it from there..and just talked..turns out he is just as horny as i am..but..*sighs*..it is almost disappointing in a way..because i know if i meet him..i am going to fuck him..sick but true..makes me feel like a total slut..and sad thing is..He has a girl friend..well at least it is a girl friend he got together with 2 weeks ago..He even said it to me..if we only met each other 2 weeks ago...*shakes head*..and for the past 3 months..i have been laughing my ass off at him just looking stupid on the corner.

So no..not going to do anything..although may go out wiht him..who knows..he has a girl friend...so i am not going to impeded in anyway shape or form...but he did have me thinking..Now the confusing thing is..and almost regret writing this entry..is how is Jim going to feel about this..He said i can go see others..in fact he encourages me to..plus he sees others as well..i am not bound to him..but..yet..i feel like i am failing him..or is it i am failing myself..Here i am almost taking my cake and eating it..but yet i am doing absolutly nothing with the other guy..in fact..we havent even talked about going out or talked about meeting or talked about anything. All we talked about was sex and my insecurities abou it..*sighs*..now i am almost too frustrated..He left me totally excited..even now i am excited..horny..need some satisfaction.. I wish i could see JIm this weekend..*sighs*..knows it is selfish of me..but he is busy..i miss him..would like to talk to him see him..awww what the hell my mind is i want to fuck him...*sighs*...well..so although my mind is stirred over the corner guy..i cant deny..that i cant take him away from his girl friend..and wouldnt want to..and then there is my every desire wish and fantasy being fufilled by Jim.

that is what it is..i am denying myself from my desires..i am denying myself everying and feeling guilty about it. WHen i am with JIm..my regrets are based on the things i deny myself..rather then being free and doing what i really wish to do with him..i stop myself...I always stop myself..i have to learn to stop doing so..question is how??

thought i would leave it there..*sighs*..but now i am back online..when i probably should be in bed..ARGGG>.why do i torment myself with stupidity. I dont know..it is almost as if i purposely put myself in these type of situations..just to torment myself..It has to be..melanie cant be happy unless she punishes herself...POUTS. Ok..was thinking..i am making something out of nothing..so i had fantasies about fuckign the guy on the corner..I was strong last night..i didnt overcome in my indulgence and give him that part of me..I did not phone sex with him or fufill his secret desire..then again neither did i. I tried calling JIm up tonight just to talk..He wasnt there..tried calling up The other guy tonight..phone is busy..now question is..where do i go now.Stop askign how to live melanie and just do it..well scanned down my very short phone book list..no one to talk to..:(..so why not talk to myself..*shakes head*..i guess that is one of the reasons i have this diary..a way to get out all of my problems..and to always have the one person who will always no matter what listen..and that person is myself. *sighs*..well then again any other person who happens to stumble upon this..but even in this i am losing myself..havent been keeping up with it..havent been detailed..it is almost as if i am giving up on the one thing that has stayed with me for what is it..ooo 7 months or so now..7 months of my life documented in a rambling chaos of html fragmented sentences...

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......*sighs*..oh well..i almost feel like there is nothing more to say in this tonight..although there is everything i could say..especially what was talked about and discussed on the phone..I am a slut..i really am

Sunday Sept 24

the last line in the previous post says "i am a slut..i really am"..when one read that he almost flip..never believeing me to be a slut..and knows that i am not..but after last night..it seems that is the only thing on my mind..and last night confirms it..."i am a slut"..sighs. I am at a loss i really am..and i made a mistake..a bad one..i dont even know what to do..all i know is..the first thing i want to do is talk..Especially talking to JIm...i need to talk...need to talk to anyone..I am so confused..but there is no one..*sighs*..for now there is no one i can talk to..but this is the one time i really just need to talk..*sighs*

last night i went too far..i just came back from work..was tired, frustrated, bored..and comming online i knew i was going to be upset..but i came on briefly..was extremly excited..even read some porno stores to try to keep my mind active..but there was nothing i could do..but i called up the "corner guy"..guess that will be his nickname for now..because simply dont know what else to call him and well names are something i dont use..although he did say i could call him Frank..*sighs*..he's the corner guy. I went over his house last night..funny thing is i knew exactly what was going to happen..I knew that if i went over his house..i was going to fuck him..sad thing is..i did fuck him..Oh god what have i done?..what have i turned into..*sighs*..there is so much that happened...the first part was that i associate anytype of sexual encounter with some form of power exchange..mainly i almost feel like i dont want to be in control..and deny myself the right to find pleasure out of it...It was almost a challange for him to try to get me to cum..He failed..He didnt do it..all because i couldnt..and he is right..it is all in my heart and my head..only i have the power to do so..if only i yeild into the sensations revel in the enjoyment..and find the release and peace i so desparately need.

At one point when he was ramming into me..and he was doing it almost brutally..he said to me he wouldnt cum unless i would..and there he is going keep pushing and pushing and pushing..and he was breaking out into a sweat..it was almost as if i didnt even break a sweat..almost was like it didnt phase me..and he tried so badly to hold back..until finally i wrapped my legs around him and told him "forget about me..just release yourself CUM"..he collaspes on top of me..and came completely..he seemed very upset..would even say to the point where it looked like he was about to cry..but all i could do was cry. He wanted me to cum..he wanted me to release and go all the way..he wanted me to find that pleasure that i for so long denied myself..but i couldnt..and there was nothing he could do to help me..no matter how many times he fingered me..ate me out..stroked my clit..and my personal fav..play with my nipples..all that meant nothing..but it meant everything. I seduced him..he seduced me..and we just had straight vanilla sex for about 5 hours or so. Well mixed with a lot of talk and a lot of caressing and kissing. He wipped the tears i shead away..making sure not one would fall to the floor..*sighs*..what have i done..I feel like a failure..i really do..i feel like i have failed myself.i have failed him..and most of all i have Failed JIM. it is almost i feel the need to cry my eyes out to Jim begging for his mercy..I did wrong i really did.

you know what the funny thing is..and this is the fucked up part..didnt tell my family that i fucked him..they knew i was at his house..and they also knew that his parents were home as well..Yes..i went over his house..and fucked him right next door to his parents..in fact..the rude thing was i didnt even meet his parents..not at all..he barricaded and locked his bedroom door when i came over..and even when his parents knocked on his door..he told them he had company. *sighs*..i just went over there to fuck him..I told my family we watched movies and talked..they knew i was uspet..told them that i talked everything over with him and cried my eyes out to him which is partially true..and you know what they said..which i almost wanted to fucking slap my mother across the face for..*sighs*..knows that is cruel..but all the bitterness i have about this..seemed to all rile in one thing she said..and that was the fact..that she is glad i am with him rather then with Jim....FUCK...I really messed up..i fucked it up badly..*sighs*.

i really dont know what to say..but i think i ruined it completely..becuase what i had yesturday..amm going to keep it as that..a one night stand..but it will be very hard..being that i see the guy every day.. :(...and as for Jim..god...is he now going to even want me..almost as if i am damaged goods..that is what i was once called.."damage goods"..but sad part is..i made it that way this time..I dont want to lose Jim over this..*sighs*..but my fear is that i am.

(later on) As i look to the time it is only 2:30..*shakes head*..2:30 in the afternoon and seems like this is a long day from hell. My father is over..but what is he doing..nothing but playing cards with my family..used to love to play poker could play it for hours on end..now i am even lucky that i can even play for 15 mins. Sick part is..my mother is almost proud of me that i have finally found someone my age..finally found someone who is nice, respectfull..and what she doesnt know is all i did was fuck him..and i cant even bring myself to tell her. I could easily tell her i did so with Jim..but can i admit that i fucked this other guy..no i cant. More Guilt. More lies, More deciet..and worst part is..it is all on me. I am the one punishing myself..but abandonment..is going to be my worst one..yet..that is exactly what i am going to get..because of the actions i chose.

it is almost odd..the corner guy said to me almost the same things Jim has said to me as well..he said to me..if there is anything..i hope to god i didnt hurt you this evening. The only thing he never wanted to happen was to me to be hurt..he just wanted to show me what i could do..show the potential that i had within me..when his way didnt work..he even tried the bdsm method..except he put me in charge..even calling me Mistress and what not...he said to me.."Mistress.you have a 5'10 spanish guy at your whim...take control"..I couldnt do it..all i could do was shake my head..no..no..i couldnt take control..i couldnt admit to him what i wanted..i couldnt admit that i needed it..I just couldnt do anything..I was a puppet last night..a door mat..simply for his pleasure..ignoring my pleasure..I couldnt go all the way. I just couldnt find the pleasure i needed..but i found the release through tears..which he comforted..andd whipped each away..*sighs*..The only thing that comes to mind is Meatloaf's 2 out of 3 aint bad...this guy is big time on music and even asked me what song is represntative of me..couldnt answer that..until now...2 out of 3 aint bad..because it is true..whether it is his case..or Jim's case.."I want you..I need you..but there aint no way i am ever going to love you..so don't be sad..because 2 out of three aint bad"...3 again..*sighs*..always that number 3.

i cant say i feel used..but why do i feel as such..what i did was fully consensual..even if i did say no alot during it..basically the no no no..was having me admit to what i wanted..I couldnt admit to it..but yet i desired it..craved it yearned for it..i wanted it so badly..needed it badly..but with him..after only 2 days..GOD..i am such a slut..and i made a bad mistake..*sighs*..if anything..wish i could just talk to someone..anyone..but the only one i have for now..is myself..*sighs*..well i am tired of listening to myself..

Monday Sept 25

Happy Birthday to my mother..*sighs*..what a birthday present she gets today...mortgage company calling her up..trying to take the house over..we could lose this house because she is so behind on the bills...My aunt..well no suprise..come next week she will be out of work AGAIN...me..i even have the bills calling me and harassing me for paying them..things are tough..and well..although today i do feel better..i am more in a reflective mood..I know i have really lost it these past few days..in my mind i committed a moral sin against myself, my family..and Jim..and that right there..maybe i am too obsessive with JIm..but he makes me feel so special..the feelings he gives me..no one can..and the sad part is..even with him..i hold myself back..i deny myself..question is..why do i deny myself? Is it truly because subcounsiously..i bind myself to him completely but i project my insecurity knowing that eventually he will dump/abandon me..so as to not get too emotionally attach..i deny myself..but that is a very reason to do so..He is not my Master..he is not my lover..he is my dominant, friend..and to me..he is almost everything. I almost feel i need his permission..his acceptance his guidence..and it is not that i could not make a move without him..its just almost as if i want to make sure he is all right with it..but with going out with the other guy..almost seems like i failed him at that part..but i didnt. Speaking of the other guy..here is the hard part..He is very disappointed that i even begin to call myself a slut..Deep down inside i know i am not a slut..but i feel it..For the past 4 years..i was the Gorean slut..i was this fantasy online persona of a slut and now almost that fantasy is becomming a reality..I wanted to be used by him..i wanted him to find his pleasure in me..forget about my pleasure i told him..focus on your own. I for some reason cant find pleasure..no matter how much i try..so why not at least the men get the pleasure out of me..that is more meaningful to me..then cumming and orgasming for another man..because as of right now..dont even know what the hell i am doing. So i cant.

Ok..so i did get to talk to the other guy a bit..in my mind all i wanted to do was wrap my arms around him in a hug..that is what i needed from him..a warm hug..that sole comfort..For some reason he feels i am going to abandon him..thats my fear..people abandon me..i try not to abandon others..just so happens i cause them to walk away..It is my fault people leave me..It must be. But i am not going to leave him..I just needed to take a step back..a big one..especially since after he talked to me last night on the phone..i was about to hang up on him i really was...I didnt need him to take it out on me because of what i write in my diary..or the "lies" i tell. I feel like a slut..i was trained to be a slut..damn..he has no idea how fucked up online has made my life..I didnt give him a chance..*sighs*..i really didnt..IN a sick way..maybe we could have been..but .,.what am i sayng..we still could be..but..sex is not the way..I cant be sexual with him..*sighs*..i dont know what it is.. maybe i enjoy being with Jim too much...*shudders*..Jim has such a nice cock..he is so dominant..he makes me feel...he just gives me what i desire and yearn for..an yet..i am not owned by him..i am not bound to him..he isnt even my Master..am i disappointed in that..maybe somewhere i am..but..i just know..i love being with him..and would like to explore more..But the way i have been reacting to situations..I was really upset this weekend and needed his guidence..and was almost expecting him to be mad at me..but it wasnt like it phased him..He was more concerned..with the fact how i was acting rather then the act that i have committed..He didnt see it as a moral sin..he didnt see it as wrong..and my fear was that it was..and that i displeased him greatly..but he almost seem to compare himself to the corner guy..in fact it was almost when i told him the other guys age..was like he almost wanted to encourage me to get to see him..DAMNIT..the guy next door is only 21 years old..what a perfect age..almost too perfect..and i enjoy being with his company..enjoy talking to him..enjoy holding him..but i couldnt enjoy sex with him. I couldnt cum..He failed..I failed.

Damn i am tossed between two guys..and yet..to almost separate the two out..and ignore the rest..my mind is on f ucking another friend of mine whom i almost desparately want to meet..and may just get a chance to..ARGGG..i make my life too complicated.i really do..i have to enjoy it and take it day by day..not worrying about the stupidity of all this stuff..and stop dwelling in the guilt..I am my own worst enemy at times..i really am.

Wed Sept 27

Today was a rather interesting day..first still sick..then again..didnt write yesturday..*giggles*..was in bed most of the day..and utterly exhausted..and was absolutely bored..but did get to do a little talking..a little reflecting and a lot of thinking plus gave myself a cute little assigment...finding the word slut in the Gor books...*shrugs*..but i had a day off yesturday..probably could have wrote something here..but didnt ...most of what i needed to do was to talk..talk and reflect upon poor choices i have made..and realize things about myself

I was short on monday 10 from work...which really has me thinking because seems the vault is over 10 as well...and..umm..it has to do with nickle count..which i sold..hmm..confusing the hell out of me..\

work wasnt easy..had a big sweater..had the shakes..sniffily and sneazing voice was terrible..and well i just wasnt in good shape to begin with..but was a slow day..thank good ness..time went fast..and i even did telemarking today..*giggles*..they said i am really good at it..but darnit couldnt get any referals..see if i would have gotten a referal that is $10 in my pocket..POUTS..didnt get any..oh well..but for a first time..at least i did all right..*shrugs*

comming home was a little interesting..talked to Jim.on line..right of the bat he was different..no hello, no greetings..was almost like he jumped down my throat right away..he was different..at one point..i thought this was an end..that the next line would be..forget it..its over..but it seems..if anything we have moved another step..and it is almost terrorfying. He i am almost afraid to say it..but he is pushing me..and he is taking a LOT of control. I wonder..am i that insolent..of course i am..but..he seemed to be focusing it big time on me..felt like i have failed him in a way..probably shouldnt be talking about this in such a way...its passive agressive..but..my diary is my form of "stream of counsciousness"..like that..remembers i once did that for school..to write a stream of thoughts for 30 mins to see where it goes..umm mine was the only list that really went completely out of bounds..*giggles*..shrugs..guess i do have a lot on my mind..anyway..He gave me an assigment..and set rules regulations even a time constraint on it..funny thing is..worried about the time constraint..because i know..when you send a letter..the time does show..but is it the time you press send..or the time that the person recieves it in his mail box?..there have been letters i have send..wehre officially it didnt recieve until min, hours even days later..and not talking agbout...the time it opens ..*giggles*..i know that doesnt make sense..but..the assigment is due sunday at 12..hmm..almost like the countdown at noon...

But back to my point..Jim was different..much different todahy..he almost seemed Gorean..but he is not..i know he is not..but if he was giving me up..would he take so much time in doing all this..No..i dont think he would..but it is almost exciting, yet terrorfying..on where things will go now..but is he going to punish me..he shouldnt..but yet he might just for the fact of me thinking i shouldnt be..well..things are now different between us..even if he said that nothing has changed..his persona and attidute have..all i know is..i am going to follow him as far as i can go..not backing out now..No way.

well..seems that meeting isnt going to on tonight POUTS..and also dont know if i am going to be talking to Jim tonight..was hoping i could..but he never said a time..nor did he say what time he would be home or say if i can..so..will see what happens..guess that is all i can do..is wait..but as for me..enough of the computer..getting me sick..and cant take it no more..i am going upstairs..and reading..*giggles*...afterall reading is fundemental :)..plus miss it too much..

Thurs Sept 28

I am not feeling to good..UGGGHHH..look terrible..sound terrible..feel terrible..i hate being sick..and funny thing is..i am always sick after i get the lowest point mentally...hmm..must in some way coincide with each other...who knows..all i know is..i am sick. POUTS

Today was a rough day i guess..everyone was on top of me..and feeling sick didnt help..i know i have to have a fever or something because all day was shivering at work..brrrrrr..and now..probably going to turn in soon..but i know if i go to sleep now..will be up at about 2am miserable..argg..so i am forcing myself awake till at least 7..No but i prooved out fine..only 2 cents over..plus..today was audit day for me..once a month..count out my draw making sure everythign is well..fuck 2 cents..geeze should have tossed it aside..well thats giving them my 2 cents..*shrugs*

did get to talk to mr. corner guy..i dont know..somehow..it is strange..i like talking to him..but that is it..its almost every morning look forward to seeing him on the corner..give him a small hug..and idle chat..but..*sighs*..it is like a flood gate of emotions..this morning was talking about Jim...He knows everything.and plus..day by day..he ever reads this diary..hmm who would have ever though would actually have one whom i know real life vanilla reading this who is see day by day. i know probably my execution..but..i trust him..dont know why..i must surely trust him..after what we did..but..i am almost disappointed in myself..I dont know..He did give me a nice little rose..how sweet..brought a smile..think i really needed it..

is there a toss between him and Jim..No..but i have been thinking alot about what happened with Jim and i even though it was online..still would have liked to speak to him..would to tlak to him..Damnit should have called him yesturday..but that is where the confusion comes in..he wanted the last word for the night..then he said he would talk to me later..thought that meant me might call me..He didnt..then again..he doesnt want to be calling because of his bills..so i have been calling..Still would hav eliked to talk to him about last night..but maybe in a strange way this is part of a punishment..unless i am making it one. Tried to contact him today..he left me a message..I am at work..say hello..well said hello..he never answered..but i know he was on the line..because he changed his message. Argg why am i even talking about this??? *shrugs*...guess what has me worried..is that he seemed so much in control yesturday..so unlike how he normally is...now my question is..was this brought on because of my actions, my expectations my hidden desires..or my insolence..or was this brought on..because it really is him?? I feel i failed him..I made some poor choices this week..and some poor reactions to those choices..now..i face the consequencs of those choices..

Its funny though..the more i think about it..the more i almost feel this is right..everyone telling me how wrong this is..in fact..everyone is telling me..what they want me to believe..well what about what i belive..geeze..My family thinks the corner guy took advantage of me..I say it takes two to tango..i wanted it..he tried to show me.but it didnt work as plan..My family thinks Jim is wrong and manipulating me...well guess what..i want to continue ..i have learned, felt, did so much with him..and it is only the beginning of what can be done..would like to go on. Corner guy thinks BDSM is fucked up..well..maybe it is..but i am fucked up right along with it..i cant deny it..that i almost need, thrive on the play..even if it is only basic, bare and new right now..even that little bit..i somehow feel i need it. I want it..I love it. So much to think about ..but main thing on my mind is the assignment. *sighs*..why was a date had to be set for it..now it is leaving me in torment..because rather then just doing it..geting it done..i keep thinking and thinking and thinking about it..keep adding on to my list..see that is why i do..make stupid lists..that reflect my thoughts at that moment..question is..what do i do with the lists..Nothing..sometimes i intertwine it with my thoughts here..but my lists are almost for my eyes only. just stream of counscious random blabberings..and that is exactly what this list is doing..god i think i need to go to bed..*SIGHS*..:(

sat Sept 30

last day of sept...hmm..right now..should have been in the city listening to a wonderful lecture about bondage..instead i am here..DAMNIT..i could have went..i know i could have..would have made it just in time..but also talking about me who not only had to scrape every last penny she had for a soda this morning..also one who is dizzy as anything at the slightest onset..I dont know..it is like i am sick i am not sick not sick..maybe work was getting my mind off of having a cold..now that i am home well..tired, exhausted..and want to go to bed..may just do that after this.

*sighs*..wonder if Jim went to it..maybe part of my so call punishment/assignment is not talking to him for a few days..maybe it is..but the assigment..i realize going to just write it then tommorrow morning send it..there is no way i could write it up in say an hour or so..then mail it directly on time..but still..this time frame..arggg leaving me in torment..*shrugs*..speaking of writing..did get an interesting writing aptidude test in the mail for the writers' guild..take the test..and it qualifies as an entrace exam for college credit courses..hmm..should try it..think i have nothing to lose..plus..do get critiqued on it..Have 20 days to do the test..and knowing me..probably going to be pushed aside just like everything else in my life..but was something to think about..I dont know..do i have what it takes to be a writer? Obviously i enjoy writing..just take a look at this site alone..but this is more of talking about myself...and venting my frustrations out..but to truly do so in a creative form..hmm..ahh what the hell might as well.

work was good today..no problems..ended up even..and well..was a long but quick day...saturdays are our short day..but because of no break..just seemed very long today..plus..it was busy and we are short staffed being one of the tellers just had a baby..a beautiful baby boy 10lbs 2 oz ...22inches..big boy..and we even go to see it..he is a bundle of joy..*smiles*..so cute...and to think she only had him 3 days ago..and already she is out of the hospital up and running and the little one is out too..

strange thing happened last night at work..Big black crow knocking on the window..TAP TAP TAP TAP..damn sounds liek something out of poe's raven..but the sad thing was..this crow was dying..They say that if a bird knocks on your window death is comming around..well..this poor bird was dying..we had to call animal control being west niles or whatever the hell that disease is plaguing the area..but It was an omen..especially i went out there..and saw the bird..he took one look at me..just sitting there..and gently closed his eyes..not that he was in pain or anything..but just seemed to be at peace..i felt so bad for it...but..Oh well.the guys in white took him and dumped it off to who knows where.

hmm i am bored.....thinks thinks..well this morning..woke up and was just so sexually frustrated..tried to just have my way with myself to just get this excess enegy off.. knows..maybe was a mixture of delerium or what not..but all i know is..ended up dreanched in sweat and cracking up laughing..umm didnt get off..but just was laughing the hell out of myself...am i mocking myself..teasing myself...god..what i would just give to get off..feel like i have a bundle of nerves just jumbled within myself..and i just need to explode..BOOM????..*shrugs*..*giggles*..i am i am in a weird mood today..but most of all..BORED...and *sighs*..right now Jim is probably learning the fine arts of bondage..*cries*..i should have went..but damn who has. 15 for the train ride...25 for the taxi...15 for the lecture..then anything else..which i happen to need money for..*giggles*..i am lucky i had 89 cents for a soda oh well..

On to October

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