Something strange seems to be happening to time. When I was a kid, a week lasted for several months. Christmases seemed to be years and years apart, and Summer vacations could last for centuries. Then, when I entered my twenties, time somehow sped up. Suddenly Christmases were weeks apart, and Summers lasted two, maybe three weeks, tops. It was all very alarming; at the rate time was passing, I was going to be 60 within a matter of months. But then New Year's Eve 2000 hit, and time slowed waaaay down. Normally it would already be May by now, and I'd be fretting about how fast the year's zipping by, but instead it just keeps being January. It has been January for a long, long time. It's great, because I was getting awfully tired of losing a whole year every three months, but it's also kind of frustrating, somehow. It reminds me of being stuck in class when you're a kid. You keep looking at the clock, thinking, "Sweet Jesus, it's only 11 a.m.? It feels like the day should be over already, and it just started!" This January has a Twilight Zone/Groundhog Day kind of vibe.
I've been pretty unhappy lately, and I'd be tempted to think that that's the reason why January keeps dragging on & on... but I've been blue before, and it never seemed to slow time down any. The mid-'90s, for instance, were pretty painful for me, but they still zipped right by. They were quick, agonizing days, days that felt like you were slamming your hand in a drawer. Monday! Argh! Tuesday! Argh!
I have been pretty funky lately, but at least I've got something nice to look forward to tomorrow. Now that I'm finally well enough, we're going to celebrate my birthday! Poor K's been running around, trying to do some big secret theme cake. I have no idea what it could be, and even if I did, I wouldn't let on. She's never quite forgiven me for the time a few years back when I did actually guess what my theme cake was. We were talking on the phone one day, and I asked for a hint about my cake, and she said, "Well, it's taller than it is wide." Without thinking I was anywhere near the truth, I asked, "What is it, King Kong on the Empire State Building?" Well, I'd guessed correctly - on the very first try! K didn't let on, but apparently the moment after we got off the phone she threw a major tantrum, she threw plates and chairs around and jumped up and down and everything. These damn theme cakes are SO HARD to put together, they take weeks of work, so I can only imagine what a pisser it must have been for me to guess.
This whole crazy theme cake tradition MUST END! Really, we always come up with some theme cake concept that sounds so simple, like you could do it in a half hour, tops... And then, once you get started, you just CAN'T find the little props you need, and the whole thing turns into this big nightmare. All you need is some damn rubber bugs or something, and all of a sudden there are no rubber bugs, ANYWHERE. Like last year, when I was going to do K's Buffy cake, I drove to every Toys R' Us on the West Coast, and I just couldn't find a female action figure to make into a Buffy. I could find Barbies, but they were all a foot tall! All of the girl figures I found where either really buff wrestling chicks, or they were Marvel comics chicks with big crazy headdresses and capes and stuff molded on. When I finally found these little Final Fantasy figures that would make a perfect little Buffy and Spike, I fell to my knees and wept for joy.
So that's it, this cake K is making for me is definitely the last one, the tradition ends here. But then that's not really fair if she does this one for my birthday, and then I don't do one for hers. Actually, I do have a pretty good idea for K's next cake. It's nothing that spectacular, it's just a simple little concept with props that shouldn't be too hard to find. The whole thing shouldn't take long to put together.
A half hour, tops.
1/19/2000, 1:15 a.m.
Well, K outdid herself once again with this
year's birthday cake. It was the Yellow Submarine! It was just amazing,
she had the whole cast, with a little Blue Meanie and Glovey the Dreadful
Flying Glove and everything. There was even a Nowhere Man! I take back
everything I said about abolishing all of this theme cake stuff; as annoying
as these cakes are to make, they're so much fun to get that I don't think
we can ever give up this nutty tradition.