It's funny, because for the longest time I've called K my "little man," usually as an endearment, but also, I confess, sometimes as a put-down. She can be very girly sometimes, but she also has a very strong, aggressive side. She's not the type to wear a lot of lace & ruffles, and I don't know too many other girls who get really excited about Star Wars & Tomb Raider & stuff like that. I guess I always sensed the boy within her, but I never realized how strong it really was. K insists that she had NO clue about my gender confusion, which I find hard to believe! I mean, I'm not exactly dead butch, and K's read some of the comics I used to draw about hermaphrodites & stuff. I'm closer to K than I've ever been to anybody in my life. How could she NOT have suspected?

I'm not really sure what to do next. Am I supposed to get a sex change, or become a transvestite or something? Um... I don't think so. I'd make the ugliest woman there ever was. There's no surgery in the world that could make me look the way I want to, I'm just too fucking tall and gawky and ugly. There's no point in dreaming about being a woman... but these stupid feelings just won't go away. Argh.

God damn every god damned thing to hell.

1/30/97 
The last few months we've done a lot of talking about our gender confusion, and it's really helped us both feel more comfortable with ourselves and each other. But lately I think we're both getting kind of restless with this gender stuff, like we need to take it to the next level somehow. We're tired of feeling trapped by our sexes, and we want to do something about it.

I always thought there was no point in my trying to be a girl because I was way too tall & butch-lookin', but now I'm starting to wonder. Maybe I'll never be able to fool anybody into believing that I'm really a woman, but at least I could work with what I've got and be as girly & beautiful as possible. I've tried dressing up in girl clothes once or twice and I always looked ghastly, but I was just throwing myself together, and I had no clue what I was doing. I bet if I really tried, if I read some beauty magazines for advice and had K help me out, I could look OK. I think K could make a really cute guy, too. Men are up against a lot when they try to pass as women, but almost any girl, no matter how femme-looking she is, can look like a man without too much work. All it really takes is like a baggy suit and some fake stubble. Anna Niccole Smith could pass as a guy, if she strapped those giant boobs down and really worked at it.

If I am going to do this, I think I have to lose some weight, first. I've noticed that really tall women often look better when they're super-scrawny, it gives them that willowy runway model look. I'd rather be a short, chubby, curvy girl, but shortness is beyond me, and my extra pounds aren't curves, they're fat. I really let myself pork up last year, and I'll need to lose maybe sixty or seventy pounds. No more ice cream for a while! 

4/5/97 
I've developed a diet that actually works for me; I starve myself. I eat one meal a day, one big meal, and then that's it, I sit up all night with my tummy yowling. I've lost about thirty pounds this way so far. It makes me grumpy as heck, and I'm sure it's horribly unhealthy... but it's working, and that's what counts as far as I'm concerned. Besides, being anorexic feels so girlish and adolescent, it's kind of fun in some absurd, self-abusing way.

I've been reading all these beauty magazines at Borders, trying to learn all I can about makeup & other girly-type things. It has been educational, but it's also been pretty depressing. The models in these magazines are all so fucking "perfect", with their smooth vanilla skin and their button noses and their impossibly slim waists and their beautiful tits tits tits on every damn page. I could pump my ass full of hormones or have six plastic surgeries a year until I'm forty, but nothing short of a brain transplant will ever make me look like one of those damned supermodel chicks. Now I understand why real girls are always bitching about America's nutty beauty standards; you look at the girls in beauty magazines and you just feel like a beast, like you should lock yourself away and never show your hideous face in public again. It's so crazy, because in real life I'm not even that attracted to most "perfect" girls! I like exotic women, women with hips and interesting noses and cute, soft little convex bellies. I know that girls don't have to look like Kate "fishface" Moss to be pretty, but when I read these beauty mags I get brainwashed, and I think I have to look like that or there's no point in existing at all. It's so fucking fucked. The fault lies not in ourselves, but in our stars.

4/20/97
The other night I actually dressed up and let K see me. I didn't have any dresses, just an old slip one of my ex-girlfriends left behind, and I didn't have a wig, just my own hair, but I really took my time and tried to do my best, and in the end I think I looked really... ghastly. K was kind, but I know I have a long way to go. 

6/18/97 
Bought a wig and some clothes through the Frederick's of Hollywood catalog, and me & K have even gone shopping once or twice. I'm dying to see K in man-drag, but so far she still won't let me. We've been talking about going out to one of the drag clubs up in LA, and even though we're both nervous, I think we're going to do it soon. Yikes! Oh, I've dropped another twenty pounds, for a grand total of fifty. I'm the Incredible Shrinking Transvestite! 

8/12/97
I've been experimenting with drag lately, and it's fun, but it always makes me feel so weird. You have to understand, I was never a "transvestite," really. I just wanted to be a girl; I was never fixated on clothes. I only dressed up once or twice during my entire adolescence, and when I did, it was NOT a positive experience. The only girl clothes I had access to were mommy's (ewwww), and when I dressed up in them my dog would get really freaked out & he'd get down low on the floor and he'd growl at me. I don't know what his problem was. Maybe it was something about my scent - dogs have those sensitive noses, and if I smelled like me AND my mom, it could have really fucked with his head! Maybe he was just homophobic or something, I don't know. For some reason, every single girlfriend I ever had tried to get me to put on makeup... No foolin', EVERY SINGLE ONE! I don't know WHAT that was about. I guess I'm so girly that any girl who's gonna like me has to be at least a LITTLE bi. I always said no too, which of course I really regret, now.

Over the last few weeks I've gone out by myself once or twice, dressed in regular boy clothes, to check out some of the drag clubs around town. K is really scared about going, and I want our first experience out to be a good one, so these are fact-minding missions to make sure we'd like these clubs. I went up to LA to see this place called the Yukon Mining Company, a restaurant that I heard a lot of transvestites go to, but I was too scared to get out of my car. I was sitting there trying to screw up my courage when a cop car drove up & this cop got out & walked over & asked me what I was doing. A lot of transvestite hookers work in the area, so I guess this cop thought I was some shmoe out looking for a date! I stammered something about being lost, and I was sure he was gonna arrest me, but he didn't. He just told me to get moving. He didn't have to tell me twice, believe me!

9/22/97
I've lost seventy pounds! Seventy! That's a whole other person... that's almost as much as K weighs. Soon I'll actually be able to eat again, and that will be so glorious. I'll never ever regain all that weight, though. This has been too much work to let it all be for nothing.

Next month is Halloween, and we've decided to make our public drag debut then. It's a cliche, I know, but at least we know there will be lots of people walking around in crazy costumes, so we won't have to worry so much about being gawked at.

10/15/97
After procrastinating for months, me & K finally went out in drag. I'd been reading about this club in Silverlake called Dragstrip 66, and it sounded like a really wild & arty scene. They do big drag theme parties, and this one was Dragula, in honor of Halloween. We're both nuts for the vampire look, so in addition to dressing in drag we also got to be goths! We took forever to get ready, but it was worth it. I made a reasonably fetching countess, if I do say so myself, and K was an adorable little vampire boy. I wasn't really nervous until right when we pulled up in the club's parking lot, and there was this long line of normally-dressed people outside. For a minute we thought we'd come on the wrong night, but it turned out that the club lets people in drag go right in, and people in regular clothes have to wait in line. We stayed really late, and we danced until our feet couldn't take it anymore. I hate going to clubs as a boy, and I'm always way too inhibited to dance, but this was different. Despite my tottering heels I felt a lot more comfortable with my body than usual, and I actually enjoyed dancing for the first time in my life. A couple of people told me how pretty they thought I was, and I even got pinched on the butt a couple of times. I never imagined that I'd be subjected to such crude, exploitative behavior. I like it!

A few people asked me my name, and I didn't know what to say. I guess I need a drag name, but I'd feel silly calling myself Helena Handbasket or something, and I don't think I'd be comfortable with some straight girl name either. "Hello, I'm Jennifer." No no, that'd never do. Hmm... 
 

10/31/97
For Halloween (our favorite holiday) me and K went to a big fetish ball, this rubber-gothic-leather-vampire-dance-party thing at a great, dark, dusty old hotel in a scary part of town. There were all these gorgeous, perfect girls around in skintight rubber dresses and sexy, crazy home-made costumes, all french-kissing each other or getting gently whipped on their big soft butts by their boyfriends. Everybody's costumes were so great; they were all wearing their most secret sex fantasies on the outside. It was so funny and touching, and even the ugly people were sex-eee. I saw little shy girls dressed up like Alice from Alice in Wonderland, and there were lots of people in Star Wars costumes - even one sort of pitiful guy dressed up like one of the Emperor's guards from Return of the Jedi. He just milled sadly around, trying to look scary but mostly just looking really lonesome. There were lots of gorgeous girls in man-drag and nursie uniforms and big, indescribable hoopskirt things that made them look like wedding cakes or the Empire State Building. These people went all out; if a girl was a fairy, she was a goddam FAIRY, with big hand-painted fairywings and a wand and about forty pounds of glitter (and with bare tits hanging out with silver duct-tape over the nipples!). Wow! It was like Nightmare Before Christmas crossed with Caligula. Everyone was so beautiful and healthy and vulnerable, and if a guy had wanted to be Princess Leia his whole life, he was! And nobody beat him up for it! I was a 7-foot vampire queen in a blood-red velvet dress with lots of pearls and deep cleavage, and K was a swoon-worthy little Prince of Darkness. I tried to be a big frosty vamp, but I was powerless under K's spell, and by the end of the evening she had my lipstick in the most terrible disarray! 

12/5/97
Made a fact-finding solo trip to the Queen Mary, an LA drag club I've heard is supposed to be really great. Didn't fancy it one bit, I'm afraid. It was small, crowded, and very "old skool" drag... they actually had some poor girl onstage doing a Backstreet Boys song! Oh, I've come up with a drag name that I kind of like... Ursula Hitler. It's the name of a character from a very obscure, unfunny Monty Python sketch. K hates it, and I can see why, but to me it's kind of glamorous and funny without being a totally jokey drag name. Ursula Hitler. Hmm. 

1/10/98 
We were able to celebrate New Years together, but K has been desperately ill lately, poor dear (she keeps getting colds and influenza), and I'm such a terrible hypochondriac we haven't been able to be together much for weeks. I miss her terribly! Whine! 

2/17/98
Circumstances have prevented us from being able to go to Dragstrip the last few months, but we finally made it this last valentines, and I'm SO glad. We were gonna go wearing corny old valentine-red, but I'd just bought this black lace-up bustier I was in love with (it shows off my carefully taped-together cleavage to perfection!), so I talked K into us going out as vampire people yet again! I did have red hair for the occasion, at least. I looked so spooky, like a big devil-woman, and K was adorable, this tiny little gothic boy in a black Jack Lord wig! We also ran into Dashelle/Rev. Dan and the gang from that Music for Nimrods radio show on KPFK, and they were a blast. Dashelle's been a drag heroine of mine for a long time. She freaked me out by feeling me up, though. She said, "Hey, nice cleavage!", and she stuck her hand right between my boobs. Yikes! Poor K, me and Dash and Dashelle's friend Empira are all as tall as wookies when we wear heels, and K is like barely 5 feet tall on a good day. She told me she almost got a stiff neck looking up at us! I ran the Ursula Hitler name by them, and they loved it, which made K so MAD!! God, she hates that name. I think I'm gonna keep it. Hee hee! 

2/20/98
I decided to start a web site, Ursula Hitler's WONDERLAND, and I just put the first draft up. (NOTE: This was my old personal site on Geocities. - Ed.) I hate it. I wanted it to function partly as a personal ad so I could meet interesting drag people to hang out with when K's tied up with work stuff, but now I think it reads TOO much like a personal ad, and it sounds kinda desperate. I'm gonna change it as soon as I get the chance. I already sent an email to a couple of people that it was up, though. So embarassing. I AM definitely sticking with Ursula Hitler as a drag name.

2/26/98
Ursula has a cold. Ursula is not happy. Those stupid emails I sent out to people announcing that my site is up have really backfired on me. I think everybody who saw my site read all that personal ad stuff and assumed it was a cry for help, like, "PLEASE, WON'T YOU BE MY FRIEND?" Now everybody is sending me all these nice emails and it's making me feel awful. I have got to post those damn changes on my site. One nice thing - Dan/Dashelle from Music for Nimrods actually made Ursula a logo! It's beautiful. It's written in a scary German WWII typeface and it says URSULA HITLER - TOMORROW BELONGS TO ME. I absolutely MUST post it on the site! It features a swastika, though, so it'll need a disclaimer. Ursula is not a nazi! She's Adolph's great grand-niece. 

3/10/98 
I've gotten over a thousand hits on my website, but so far I haven't gotten one goddam email from any of my visitors. Wuzzup wit' dat?

The other night me & K went to Dragstrip 66. I wore this big purple formal dress that K got me for valentines. It had all these great crinolines that rustled against my thighs and made sounds like autumn leaves when I walked. It was so pretty, I felt like a debutante! We ran into the Music for Nimrods gang again, and they were so nice, but I'm afraid I wasn't much fun to be around. I was in a big pout over some troubles at work, and I couldn't really think of anything to say that wasn't gripey. Sometimes I'm a big party girl, but sometimes I'm just a big dorky boy in a dress. Sigh. Dashelle was just getting over a nasty bout of samonella, and I didn't hear HER cryin'! I gotta toughen up. 

3/18/98 
We've been talking a lot about gender issues, lately. Usually the conversation's pretty constructive, but sometimes things just turn ugly, like last night. Me & K just about broke up over a disagreement about the second Terminator movie. CHRIST, did we ever go round & round the Mulberry bush about this thing, we were just about crying by the end. Oy vey.

Here's the basic conflict. I liked the first Terminator movie fine, but I thought the second one was a big, noisy abomination that was only redeemed by a really neat villain. The first film was scary and sad and romantic and kind of punk rock, while the second one was very, very Guns & Roses; it dripped with "attitude". And that Edward Furlong character needed a beating real bad, with all that bullshit slang ("awesome!") and that HAIR. I actually busted out laughing when they lowered Arnold into the molten goo at the end and it was supposed to be all sad. I wasn't trying to be snotty - I genuinely adore good trashy movies - but I just couldn't help myself, Arnold getting melted was the funniest thing I ever saw. I must have been driving everybody around me in the theater nuts. They were all trying to grieve over the heroic death of this big Austrian android, and I kept giggling like a maniac at the sad, sad music and Arnold's terribly somber expression as he was lowered into the molten goo. And when he gave that last little thumbs up at the end, I just about pissed myself. Anyhow, I don't think K liked the movie all that much more than I did, but where we absolutely cannot see eye to eye is the Linda Hamilton character. K felt that Linda made the transition from a whiny, helpless femme in the first picture to a take-charge kinda gal in the second one. I liked Linda just fine in the first flick, she seemed like a nice, normal person. Yeah, she whined a bit, but who wouldn't if they got thrust into the middle of a big scary mess like that? Don't tell me you wouldn't whine if there was a killer cyborg on your ass! Besides, Linda was the one who ultimately smushed the cyborg under that big smusher machine. "You're terminated, fucker!" Remember that? It wasn't the tough-guy commando boyfriend. He bought it like a chump, and left all the dirty work to Linda... and Linda took care of business!

Anyhow, at the end of the first movie, after Linda's been through all that shit with the cyborg, & her lover's been killed & everything, she seemed tougher, but also sadder & more mature. As she drove off into that bad matte painting of a stormy Mexican horizon, with her doggy by her side and that shotgun under the seat, we could only think, "Hey, there may be some tough times ahead, but this dame's gonna be OK".

Well, flash forward to the beginning of the second movie, when Linda's suddenly been transformed into this callous, militaristic, and oh-so-'90s he-babe. I don't mind a girl with muscles, and I definitely don't mind a dominant female, but Linda was a macho jock asshole, qualities which I do not find endearing in any gender. Between movies she'd gone from being a strong, believable character to becoming a female version of all the things I hate about men. She was John Wayne with breasts, five times as butch as her commando boyfriend was in the first movie! This wasn't the kind of girl who'd drive around with a shotgun and a doggy. This was the kind of "grrrl" who shoots and kills and eats doggies, because in a world gone mad, THAT's what you do to SURVIVE. What the hell happened to her between movies? Marketing happened. "Hey, the boys down in research say bitchy muscle gals are THE big thing. Even Madonna's looking pretty ripped these days. Think we can get Hamilton to pump some iron?" Everything about Linda's character in "T2" was so calculated and fake, just like the whole movie was calculated and fake.

It's absurd for me & K to have knock-down, drag-out fights over bad sci-fi movies, but obviously there are larger issue we're tussling with, here. K feels so oppressed by conventional femininity that Linda's transformation is something to be celebrated; Linda's gone from victim to bad-ass! To me, Linda's transformation is tragic; she's devolved from complex modern woman to violent, unthinking ape-woman. 
K thinks I'm threatened by strong female characters, but I've pointed out to her that the female leads of some of my favorite TV shows (Star Trek: Voyager, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, etc.) are ladies who can take care of themselves just fine. I'm not offended by strong women, I'm offended by moron-thug-jockmonkeys of any gender.
Once upon a time, girls weren't allowed to be anything but pretty and nurturing, while the boys wasted their lives with sports & money & guns. Now things have changed; We haven't evolved beyond sports & money & guns... girls have started pumping iron, & becoming corporate swine, & they've joined the army & started "kicking ass". They've become "grrls". They're "fierce". Well, that's just what humanity needs, more fucking fierceness. It's as if women have thrown up their hands and said, "Hey, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em". I do think it's great that women have more freedom than ever, but I wish so many of them didn't define "freedom" as the same damn shit that's been messing up boys since we crawled from the ooze.

On the other hand, as girls get butcher, it does seem like boys are getting increasingly fey, & lord knows drag has never been so popular! When you see a big old repressed right-wing dork like Rudy Guilliani running around in drag, you know something really wacky is happening culturally. I also think it's signifigant that FIGURE SKATING, the girliest sport ever, is now the single most popular spectator sport, bigger than football or basketball or anything. I mean, what's that about, hey? Men are quite literally losing their virlity; sperm counts are dropping worldwide. I've heard that there's some pollutant in the atmosphere that mimics the effects of estrogen, and it's even making some men grow breasts (Where is this stuff? I want some!) Increasingly, it seems like boys identify with tough females - Lara Croft, Buffy, etc. - more than they identify with dudes like Stallone or Bruce Willis.

Hmm. Maybe eventually we'll reach a point when the traditional gender roles will completely reverse, and girls will be the bosses & boys will be the secretaries and raise all the babies! Well, as long as I'm the one who gets to wear the miniskirt, I can't really complain.
Honestly, I wouldn't be terribly heartbroken if traditional masculinity complete vanished, and we all ended up completely femme. As I see it, if it comes down to a choice between jackboots or pumps, there can be only one choice.

I suppose some growing pains are both inevitable and neccesary while we all work our way through this gender crap & figure out what the hell we really want to be. In a way it sucks to be part of humanity's awkward adolescence... but hey, at least we didn't have to be around for humanity's infancy.

(ADDENDUM: K has asked me to add that she feels Linda's personality change between the two Terminator pictures makes sense because of all the hardship - ten years of knocking around with a bunch of psycho boyfriends, getting locked up in institutions, etc. - that the character endured between thhe films. I would counter by saying that none of that stuff sounds as bad as what Linda endured in the first film - losing every single person she cared about, watching dozens of people die horribly around her, getting the tar beaten out of her by a killer cyborg, etc. - yet at the end of the first movie she somehow emerges with her sanity and sense of decency intact. With that, I hope & pray we can at last drop this whole fucking issue & never, ever speak of it again. Please, baby?)

3/21/98
Oy, my job... When I'm not running around all girled-up I write for this local paper, and I hate it like poison. I know, it SOUNDS like a nifty gig, but trust me, it's the absolute shits. I actually snapped at my boss today. He was giving me trouble on this big hellacious story I'm working on, and he was getting on my nerves so bad that I said something really nasty. I said I was sorry, but it was an ugly incident. Normally I'm never nasty to anybody! I think I must be pretty stressed. When I'm through with this mess I'm gonna reward myself with a new purse or somethin'. I only own two purses now, a regular black one and a rubber Halloween purse that looks very Addams Family gothic. It has a grey rubber gargoyle head over the clasp. K hates it, but that's just 'coz she's a boy and she doesn't know what's cute. Men! I really am turning into SUCH a girl; whenever I get depressed I head out to the mall and buy myself a dress at Charlotte Russe and get myself a box of choloates. When I get done with this mess at work, that's just what I'm gonna do! 

3/27/98 
Things've been improving at work. I'm over this big crunch-period. I still haven't had time to make my big trip to the mall yet to cheer myself up, but I will! My current favorite store is Charlotte Russe, they're such a kick-ass place. They're cheapish, but their stuff is well-made and oh, so sexy, in a kinda elegant way. One time I went in there by myself to get a dress, and the clerk guessed what I was up to. She said, "Is this for you?", and I totally freaked, I was like, "NOOOO!" She tried to be super-helpful, and she said, "I could start a dressing room for you", but I was so spooked I didn't take her up on it, and I kept saying "it isn't for meeee!" Finally, as I was buying the thing, she looks up at me across the counter and says, "This should fit fine." Christ, I just wanted to slap her. "Leave me alone, already! Can't you see I'm a closet case?" By the time I left I was a nervous wreck! When I'm in drag I don't give two poops what people think, but when I'm in a boysuit I'm still pretty silly about that stuff. I make K try everything on for me in the store, even wigs. Of course sometimes the wigs look awful when I get home and try them on, but once you've bought 'em you can't take them back for a refund! I'm getting a closet-full of nasty wigs that way. Oh well, maybe I'll give them away sometime to underpriveliged drag queens. 

Easter Sunday/98 
Me & K have been SO busy, lately... we were too exhausted to go to last night's Dragstrip! Sigh. We just stayed home and relaxed for a change. We pledged to go out and have some drag adventures soon, though. 

4/11/98
This weird thing keeps happening: people write telling me how much they loooove my page, they wanna get to know me, etc., then I write them back... and I NEVER hear from 'em again! I don't know if I'm just the world's worst email-writer, or what! Sigh. I'm just the biggest, whiniest mess these days. My allergies have been making me dizzy again lately, and I don't like these dizzies! I'm a dizzy dame. At least dizziness is pretty chic and girly as symptoms go... I'm like one of them old southern belles: "Mercy me, ah've got the vapors!" I haven't done any drag stuff in waaaay too long. Sigh. 

5/1/98 
I'm generally doing better these days, thanks for askin'... even if I STILL haven't done any drag stuff! It's makin' me stir-crazy! We got a drag event coming up soon, at least. Last weekend me & K went up to Burbank and checked out a big costume store (we're still lookin' for a decent boy wig for K... maybe we'll have to buy the Shatner2000 from Hair Club for Men.) We also checked out the Creature Features store again, and they have the most BEAUTIFUL merchandise, a gazillion monster models and toys and dioramas and stuff. One worrisome detail: we found out the owner is selling the store. NOOOO! I don't buy stuff there, partly 'cause I'm too po' and partly because I wouldn't know what the heck to do with a big King Kong model if I did own it, but I love to go in there and look at all the neat junk. They have an elaborate model for everything, even wacky stuff like Young Frankenstein and totally obscure stuff like Legend. They even have a gigantic miniature Stay-puft the Marshmallow man! K bought some stuff, but the new Star Trek figures STILL haven't come out, and K is most upset!

Dan said I could maybe be on his Music for Nimrods radio show sometime, and now I gotta think up something cool to do. I don't wanna just sit there like a dummy. Too bad it's not a TV show, because then I could go on and show my freak feet! My index and middle toes on each foot are fused together like siamese twins - there's one big fat toe body, with two toe heads growing out of it. One of these days I gotta post a picture of my toes on here. Christ, a tranny with freak feet - maybe I can get a gig with the Jim Rose circus, no? 

5/3/98
I'm having a geek overload, because today me and K went to a big sci-fi convention. We mainly went because Terry Gilliam was gonna be there (he's promoting that new Fear & Loathing movie), but K also wanted to buy new Trek stuff. I bought her a Q doll for $35, and it spooked me because my money is soooo tight these days, but she's been looking & LOOKING for this little guy. The workmanship on those Trek guys is good! They really look like the people, and they come with lots've funny accessories, like Picard will come with a little book of Shakespeare or whatever. K gets so excited about these things, she dances around and everything! Just watching her do her little geek dance is totally worth $35. She finally got the Lara Croft doll from that Tomb Raider game, and it's HIDEOUS in person! It has this ugly, bitchy face, and big freaky shoulders, and it can't even stand up by herself! How's a girl who can't stand up by herself supposed to run around and fight tigers and stuff? Huh?? This convention thing today was fun, but the one Trek convention we went to years ago was more surreal and interesting - there was one lady at the Trek thing who had her poodle in a starfleet uniform! Ensign Fido.

After we were done with the convention today we went home and played Tomb Raider 2 and watched The X-Files and a Deep Space 9. Jesus, I feel so geeky. Oh well, next weekend we're gonna go to a big drag thing, so then maybe we'll be kinda hip again. Actually, I kinda prefer to think of myself as a FREAK, not a geek. Some magazine had this thing a while ago, about are you a Freak, a Geek, or a Nerd? A Nerd is somebody smart but socially hopeless, like Bill Gates. A genius who smells bad. A Geek is somebody into geeky stuff who can blend in well with mainstream society... Jerry Seinfeld for instance, with his Superman obsession and everything. By this standard K is a TOTAL geek - she's this flaming geek beneath her yuppie Barbie exterior. Then there's the Freaks, people who are edgy and artsy, but into geeky stuff... Trent Reznor, Tori Amos, Andy Warhol. By this standard I'm defintely a freak, not a geek or a nerd. Geek boys don't wear dresses in public or club-hop or dye their hair weird colors or drop acid. Actually, my worrying so much about this is pretty nerdy/geeky/dorky/whatever. God, it's been too long since I got prettied up, I think I'm getting peculiar. I'm gonna go put on some lipstick right now! 

5/10/98
Ohhhh Lordy, whatta couple of days it's been! I'm exhaustipated, as Popeye would say. Me & K went to Dragstrip 66 on Sat. We got home really late, and I drove home from K's place in the bright 7 AM sunshine still wearing my nasty leopard-print mini-dress and my red wig and everything. It was kinda spooky, especially considering my earlybird Aunt lives in the building next door to me and she coulda seen me! It had been like two months since I'd gotten to do any drag, so I overdid it and went out lookin' sooo trashy... I looked like one of those bimbo chicks you always see on Spanish TV. We had to park far away and walk to the club, and I actually got honked and hooted at 3 times by confused rednecks. That was creepy... but it was sorta fun, too! 

6/13/98
Hey, kids. I've gotten a TON of great emails from the ad I posted on that URNOTALONE site, and I wanna say thank you all so very much! I'm sorry if I haven't gotten back to everybody yet, but things have been mega-busy lately. I'm moving at the end of the month, so I've been packing and PACKING lately. Things have also been crazy at work again, and K had last week off (YAY!) so we were finally spending lotsa time together. Now she's back workin' and Ursula's lonesome again, so you sweeties keep on writing me, you hear?

Well, I've been up to an UNPRECEDENTED amount of drag activity these days! For starters, last Sunday me & K went to Coven 13. We thought it was gonna be a fairly drag-friendly environment, but we turned out to be the only dragsters there! We got some dirty looks, but since every boy in the place was wearing black lipstick we didn't know what they were getting so uppity about. Then tonight we went to the Fetish Ball, this huge event in a scary part of LA. It was so wonderful, four floors of sexy folks in skintight rubber! There was SO MUCH FLESH all around, and everybody was wearing wild costumes. Yeah, baby. The place was lousy with cops, though. They even frisked us. I didn't care for them big piggy mitts on my tits! At exactly 2 AM, the cops turned the lights on real bright and chased everybody out. Blame CA's lovely liquor law. CA blows. This year's theme was Gods & Devils & stuff like that, & we tried to come up with good devil costumes, but finally we decided to just go kinda gothic-y again. This time I wore a super-slutty black bustier with a big black crinkly skirt & my opera gloves. I was a redhead, and I looked JUST like Tori Amos. No, really! Well, Tori Amos crossed with Klinger from M*A*S*H. K was a goth boy, but with blonde hair and black lipstick & a tall black funeral hat. Mmmm. 

6/16/98 
I still got more to say about the fetish ball! Like I didn't tell you about the Sex Dwarf, for instance. We were leaving the dance floor and we noticed this tiny woman in a black rubber dress. She was REALLY tiny, like about 3 feet tall. She was actually sort of pretty in her own way, and she had really big boobs. I kinda wish I'd struck up a conversation with her, because I'm so curious about what life is like for this little bondage-midget person. After we lost track of her we realized that when we'd been out on the dance floor with her, the DJ had actually played that old KROQ song Sex Dwarf! I had to wonder what went through her mind when she heard that song. Did it make her happy? Mad? Horny? Sad?

We also saw a disco Jesus. Really, there was a guy who was dressed exactly like Jesus, with the robes and the beard and everything, and he was out there on the dance floor shakin' his booty with all of the rubber people. There was also this fashion show that was kinda cool but kinda silly too. There were two hot babes in Catholic schoolgirl outfits who did a striptease, then a bondage nun came out and lifted up their skirts & spanked them. You'd think the whole thing would be super-sexy, but me & K agreed that it actually seemed kinda like a badly acted school play. It was more cute than hot, although some of the outfits were pretty fun. There were these two identical twin girls who twirled flags around and did some really badly synchronized dance stuff that went on for a looong time, but I think one of them was really a boy, so that's neat.

After months of being netpals, I finally talked to Ms. M on the phone last night! That was so neat, I'm totally in love with Ms. M now. I keep pressuring her to move outta New York & come out to LA and be my little sister, but stuff that cool never happens to me. Weep, weep. We talked for so long, I'm scared of the phone bill! We talked for so long that I got whoozy from not eating. Unfortuantely I did most of the talking. K always says I talk too much or not at all.

8/1/98 
It's been like forever since I updated Wonderland, but I've been mega-busy lately with moving and work stuff, so updating has unfortunately been a pretty low priority. A lot's happened since I last wrote... or I guess I should say a lot of stuff ALMOST happened. My high school reunion took place a few weeks ago, & I almost went in drag. I was all psyched up to do it, but then a few days before the big night I got a look at the list of people who'd RSVP'd, and they were all like total strangers to me, none of my old pals were going! It was also really really expensive to get in, about nine times what you'd expect. So at the last minute I decided not to go, & even though I had all these good reasons I stll felt like I was wimping out. I also ALMOST went to Dragstrip wearing super-slutty black lingerie, with stockings & a garter belt, & a teeny black panty to cover my naughty bits. Dragstrip was having an '80s theme, and I was gonna wear underwear on the outside, just like Appollonia and Madonna & all those chicks. It woulda been so fun, but at the last minute K got jealous & made me put on a skirt. I was really pouty about it, but then when we got there we had to park a zillion miles away & walk through a nasty part of town, so I was actually pretty glad I wasn't walking around out there with my little buttcheeks hanging out.

Dragstrip was fun, but it was way too hot & crowded. We could hardly fit on the dance floor, and while we were dancing people kept stepping on my feet & giving me karate chops in the ribs. I think the '80s thing brought out all the retro goons, so maybe next month it won't be quite so bad. Poor K, I think she's been feeling guilty about giving me grief about my lingerie, 'cause now she keeps trying to convince me to wear a bikini to the next Dragstrip! It's a beach blanket theme this time, which sounds so yucky to me. Ursula's no beach bunny! I keep saying I'm gonna wear a black Morticia dress with a veil... THAT's what I'd wear to a beach party!

Oh, I think I'm gonna go to this year's comicon in San Diego in drag to try & sell my latest book to a publisher. I might wimp out, but I really wanna do it. It will NOT be a drag-friendly enviornment, but I don't care! It'll be a blast to give all them repressed little comix geeks hard-ons & scare ‘em outta their wits. 

8/9/98
Well, I know I swore I wouldn't, but I did indeed end up going to Dragstrip in a swimsuit. It was a tight black onepiece, & it was a big hit! I got a lot of compliments, which always sends me swoonin'. I spent the night frenching with K & getting groped by strangers & dancing to that Beastie Boys song Intergalactic. It was some remix, it went on for like 45 minutes. I felt like such a little airhead disco biscuit, and I loved it!

Oh, Dashelle molested me again! She reached under the table & put her hand on my thigh while we were talking & said to K, "I'm stroking Ursula's thigh, is that a problem?" She said it in a very cool and professional manner. I was so freaked that I just sat there meekly letting Dashelle stroke my thigh, until K announced that my thigh was HERS. It made me feel like some piece of property being passed back & forth. YEAH!

I also discussed buggery ettiquite with K's nice gay friend. I was asking all these silly questions, like, "when you meet somebody, how do you know if they're a buggerer or a bugger-ee? What if you like somebody, but it turns out you're both bugger-ees? Do you take turns getting buggered, or do you just end up bumping butts or something?" I was being a very silly girl, but he seemed entertained by my inquiries rather than offended. He's so nice, but he told me about some queens who were really bitchy to him, & it got me thinking about all the weird hostility that exists between the gay guys and the dragsters. I guess the straight trannies are tired of having people assume they're gay, and vice versa, but can you imagine a goofier conflict than this? Lately it seems like Dragstrip is getting less & less draggy & more gay. It wouldn't bother me so much, but many of the gay guys really do seem to HATE the queens. I've heard horror stories of girls having their wigs pulled off & stuff. If anybody tried that shit on me, no foolin', I'd kick his ass so hard his grandkids would walk funny. Of course I abhor violence, but some things are just beyond the pale.

Oh, one last thing about the Fetish Ball... I saw a report about it on Strange Universe the other night, this dopey show on UPN, and since they weren't allowed to take cameras inside they filmed the people in crazy costumes out on the sidewalk. At the end of the report the scary oreo host guy looked at the camera and said, "Imagine what goes on INSIDE!" It made me so happy, 'cause unlike those poor little people who are too scared to do anything but watch this stuff on TV, I don't HAVE to imagine it! Yeah! 

A sleeping-bag full of giggling young lovelies from the always-wonderful MUSIC FOR NIMRODS radio show. L-R: That charming English lass Misty Blue, a foxy little hellcat who goes by the name of Revvy, the delectable Victoria (or maybe Veronica! Sorry, I'm not sure), Ms. Hitler herself, looking just skanky as can be, and Empira, the slumber party-girl extrordinaire. This was the first slumber party I'd been to in ages, and thankfully I got through the whole evening without falling asleep and having somebody hide my panties in the freezer or sticking my hand in a bucket of warm water to make me pee!

8/22/98
Well, I chickened out about going to the comicon as Ursula... I really, really wanted to, but K couldn't go & I was too wimpy to go alone. Also my book wasn't as DONE-done as I woulda liked, it needed another hour or so of tinkering. Sigh. It was pretty heartbreaking, but there has been some really good stuff goin' on, too... like I was on Music for Nimrods tonight! I just got home from the show, & it's like 7 AM now so I'm totally spacy & exhausted. I'll write more when I'm more awake. It was a blast! It was Dashelle's birthday, & she had a big drag slumber party on the air with about 9 girls, including the delectable Mistress Stephanie Locke (a super-voluptuous dominatrix chick who always makes my head spin around like Linda Blair's in The Exorcist). Dashelle is honestly looking great these days, i dunno what she's doing to herself. I'm not just kissing her butt 'cause I was on her show, either - she's gotten prettier lately somehow, & I'm envious! She keeps saying she looks like Monica Lewinksi, and she does, but in a good way.

I was really scared & quiet when I first got on the air tonight, but later on I was an absolute BLABBERMOUTH! I talked about when I was arrested for stealing lingerie years ago, I talked about this transvestite Bugs Bunny cartoon that obsessed me when I was a kid. I showed my freak feet to everybody, but they weren't as shocked as I woulda liked, they all acted like it was no big deal. I was hoping somebody was gonna faint.

The real news is that me & K are officially making the big move tomorrow! We've booked the truck & everything. This is our first place together, after going out for SIX YEARS! It's about time, huh? I'm dreading the moving, but I can't wait to be in our new place. I can't wait to know my little man is sleeping in the next room while I'm up puttering around in the wee small hours of the morning. Speaking of which, I better hit the sack if I hope to be able to lift couches & stuff tomorrow. Zzzz.