The giant redhead who was getting her ass whipped just hated the blonde, you could tell. She kept giving her these terrific deathray eyes. The redhead was sexy, but she looked really decadent and naughty - the kind of girl you'd expect to see getting her ass whipped in the basement of some fetish club - so everybody was much less interested in her than they were in the innocent little blonde. In a scene like that, innocence is the biggest kink of all.

Jan. 11th, 1999 
This month's Dragstrip was... fun. Not quite as fun as a barrel of monkeys, but maybe as fun as a barrel of squirrels. I felt really, really pretty for once. I had a long, skintight purple dress with a low neckline, & dynamite cleavage. Some nights I really feel like a hag, and some nights, like tonight, I gaze at that femme fatale in the mirror and I wish there were two of me so I could seduce myself.

Oh, I just had a birthday a few days ago, and K made me the most fantastic cake. We always get so carried away with these crazy theme cakes; they take weeks of miserable labor, driving around town trying to find little props and staying up late cutting up cardboard. We used to have a rule that everything on the cake had to be made of food, but that's fallen by the wayside, and these days our "cakes" are usually cardboard diaromas that sit atop the actual cake. They're an absolute bitch to put together, but they're great to receive. We've made each other edible Yodas, Salvador Dali landscapes, X-Files scenes... one year, K even made me a cake reproduction of Van Gogh's Starry Night. That one knocked me on my butt, but this year's model topped 'em all. It was an Edward Gorey cake, complete with a little Gorey mansion and characters out of Gorey's stories. Honestly, I just about fainted when I saw it.

I knew how much she must have suffered to put this thing together, so a few days after my birthday I had this crazy idea for how to repay her: I decided that one night when she came home from work I'd surprise her at the door in a french maid uniform. I'd have dinner ready for her and everything, and after she'd eaten I'd give her a nice bath and, um, service her every desire. Yeah, it's corny, I know, but I thought it'd be fun. I was really looking forward to it, and the whole time when I was getting ready I was giggling so much I could hardly put my lipstick on. Unfortunately, when K got home she was sick with another nasty sinus thing, so the whole evening was a big bust. K insisted she wanted to reschedule, but Lord only knows when I'll get up the nerve to do something this silly again. It's too bad, I actually made a pretty cute maid! Ooh-la-la! 

1/22/99 
Ursula has the flu. Ursula hates everything. Grr. At least the mysterious numbness in my hands & feet seems to be gradually getting better. 

2/16/99 
Saturday night was Dragstrip, and that was quite a drama. We had a great time, but getting there was a nightmare. The theme was twins, so we wanted to dress alike, but at the last minute we had this silly tiff about what to wear. We finally settled on something, but then I ran into a thousand disasters trying to get ready. Everything kept smearing and breaking and snapping and bursting into flame. I was already in a bad state, but this was all too much, and I had a full-blown panic attack. I know, it's just the silliest thing, but everything was going wrong, and I had zero patience to start with. I very nearly didn't go at all, but finally I decided to just not care that I looked haggy and tough it out. K was an angel about the whole thing; she put up with some major pissiness on my part. This time she went as my little sister, Alexis Hitler... we were incestuous identical twins! Can't beat that. We were dressed a lot alike, but she was so much prettier than me that I felt like the "Before" girl in a "Before and After" ad. I really did feel like a hound, but then when we got there I got a lot of compliments and I got groped on the dancefloor like never before, so I don't know what to think. Maybe I was looking extra foxy!

The place was more packed then I've ever seen it, and that's saying something. There was a line oustide that must have been about seventy-five feet long, and once we got inside it was so crowded everybody kept trying to ride me piggyback-style. All these gorgeous queens showed up for Valentine's Day. The Nimrods were there, and we chatted with them for a while & it went pretty well. Empira told us she used to be a sound person in Hollywood, and she can be heard whistling in Schindler's List! How bizarre is that?

K was in some kinda dance frenzy, she wanted to DANCE, DANCE, DANCE! Even when there was no music, she kept trying to haul me onto the dance floor. She was actually wiggling around and trying to get me to boogie when this little army of queens got onstage and did a kinda cute/kinda pathetic Spice Girls parody. God, K looked good. That girl knows how to wiggle! Besides, there is something powerfully alluring about the idea of being a twin. I think me & K should be incestuous twin sisters full-time. Make-up & clothes would be a cinch: just buy two of everything! We could be each other's mirrors in the morning. Yeah, baby... incest ROCKS! 

3/2/99 
Oy, March already. This year is zipping away. It'll be friggin' Christmas again any minute now. Well, there's been some big news in Ursulaville, lately: Miss L's coming to town! Miss L is this East coast queen I've been email pals with for about a year... And she's gonna be staying with us! I'm really nervous... what if she doesn't like me? I can be a real pill sometimes. I feel like I know her from all our emails, but I don't really... what if she's a big jerk? What if she's an axe murderer? Well, somehow I can't picture Miss L as Hannibal Lecter, but this could still turn out to be a really BAD idea. What was I thinking when I agreed to this? Eek! 

3/3/99
Picked Miss L up at the airport today, & she's staying in our computer room now. We seem to be getting along pretty well. Miss L's really funny & sweet, just like in her emails. In a way, it feels like we already met a long time ago. There's a clause in our lease that we can only let people stay with us for two or three days, so I wanna make the next few days count! Miss L's considering moving out here, and I wanna give her some reasons to stay. We've got a lot of stuff to see in the next few days! 

3/7/99 
Oh, we've had such adventures! We've driven up & down the coast, checking out clothing stores & toy stores & galleries. I took Miss L to Melrose, & we went to Hollywood Toy & Costume & she got a foxy, long black wig with bangs. It's so great finally having the little drag buddy I've always wanted. On Saturday we went to Club Makeup, & even though Kris couldn't go (work stuff... sigh), we still had fun. Well, we could've had MORE fun, but a few things went wrong. Oy, a FEW things? Let me count the ways. 1) We got there late, so we had to wait in a long, trail-of-tears line outside, in the freezing cold, for about an hour! 2) While were waiting, this weird queen kept trying to talk to us, and his willie was sticking out from under his skirt. 3) We got held up in the line for so long that we missed Dashelle's big songstress debut. She sang "Fox On the Run" before a packed auditorium, & we missed it, damn it! 4) I dropped Miss L's camera! I was such a klutz. I had my velvet gloves on, & the camera slipped out of my fingers just as I was about to snap a pic of Miss L & Empira! We're not sure how bad the damage is yet, but it's definitely not working. 5) Miss L was so mad about the camera that she hit me hard on the arm. Yowch! Well, she only did it because Dashelle TOLD her to. "Ursula broke your camera? That bitch! You should beat her up, Miss L!" So Miss L hit me. Thanks, Dash. It's pretty embarrassing getting wailed on by a girl who collects Hello Kitty merchadise.

It was a memorable night, I'll say that for it. At least we did get some good pix... we even took shots of each other up on the stage! I felt like such a rock star up there, preening before the crowd. We briefly met Jayne County, the transsexual diva who used to hang out with Bowie & Warhol & all them people, but I broke Miss L's camera before we could get a picture of ourselves with her.

Miss L got all kinds of compliments, the bitch. One guy even threw himself at her feet! I got groped on the ass by a drunken boy, that was about it for me. Hey, I'll take what I can get! I don't get it; every time I think I look skanky everybody says I'm a babe, and when I think I look cute nobody notices me! There was one lovely queen in a sheer black bodystocking who said SOMETHING nice to me, but damned if I could make out what it was. They REALLY crank the tunes at this club! We danced a little, but by the time we started they were already playing slow songs to try & clear the dancefloor & send everybody home. We gave up when they started playing "Space Oddity," or whatever that David Bowie song about "Ground Control to Major Tom" is called... it's impossible to dance to that song! You can just sort've wiggle around all slow & dorky, which is what we did. I hope like heck I can convince Miss L to move out here for good. I've really gotten used to having her around. 

3/17/99
Me, Miss L & K all went to Dragstrip, & it was okay. We had fun, but K wasn't feeling well, & I wasn't doing so great, myself. Poor Miss L, we must've been a million laffs! K wanted to leave early, Miss L didn't, & it was up to me to try & keep 'em both happy. Oy. I think we worked it out to everybody's satisfaction, but I'm not sure how well it works when the three of us go club-hopping together. I can have a great time with K or Miss L, but three isn't just a crowd, it's an angry mob.
Miss L's moved out. She's at a hotel now, & she's looking for design work out here. Anybody wanna hire her? We've been slowing down a little bit lately and not going out so much. I'm not very mobile; I had an ingrown nail, so my doctor shot my foot full of novacaine & cut out a fair-sized chunk of the toenail. It was weeks ago, & I'm still limping around. Ah, the glamorous life. It hurts like heck, thanks for askin'. Yeah, I know it's gross to go on about this stuff, but what the hell, this is my goddam website! 

4/1/99 
Last Friday K was working late (yet again, grumble mumble,) so me & Miss L went out and had a bit of an adventure all by ourselves. We got started too late for Cherry, so we decided to go to a couple of drag clubs up north, the Queen Mary and Aaaaaahcapella (how many aaaa's is that, again?). We got ready at Miss L's hotel, and that place is... atmospheric. That's a nice way of saying it's somewhere between cool and scummy. Her neighbors are these two shrieking alcoholics who never, ever close their front door and who STILL have a cardboard Santa Claus head tacked up outside. I would've probably assumed that they were just too lazy to take it down, but while we were getting ready Miss L could hear them watching "It's a Wonderful Life," so apparently every day is the Happiest Day of the Year for these folks.

We managed to sneak down the stairs and out to the car without incident, then we we were off to the Queen Mary. I was willing to give that place another chance, but it's hopeless, I like it less and less every time I go. So tiny and dreary and old skool. It was almost completely empty... on fuckin' Friday night! At least we got to take some silly pictures where we were posing like Donna Summer under the awful disco lights, and some where we were sprawled across the bar-top like boozy sluts. Miss L even got up & did a little pole dance, and when she climbed down she swung her leg a little wide and gave the two or three bleary-eyed stragglers at the bar a free show of her panties. It was an accident... OR SO SHE SAID! God, anything to liven that joint up. We had a better time at Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhcappella (jeez, I'm developing carpal tunnel from typing that goddam name over and over). It was this little punk drag queen coffee shop, quite odd. It seemed like more of a place to come to to recover from a big night at the clubs rather than a destination in itself, but we dug it. It's got lots of little halls & knooks & grottos & oubliettes to explore, and they're all crammed with boxes and crates and posters and other unused junk. It's like the place used to be a lot bigger, but it shrunk, and now everything's packed together and they're making due. We came in at the exact instant that the band was finishing, but afterwards this one made-up musician boy came around & flirted with us a bit, so even if we missed the show we got to be groupies for a minute. Miss L was on the prowl, but unfortunately she still hasn't met that special someone. One terribly horny middle-aged queen came up & put the moves on us, but... well, let's just say she didn't make a Love Connection. One pretty good-looking black guy was after us for a while, he kept telling us how sexy we were and everything. Tee-hee!

We did have some fun at Aaaaahhhhhcappella!, but I think we'll have a better time this weekend... it's Club Makeup, the new club in town. I can't believe I'm excited about new clubs! I always used to hate going to clubs when I was a boy. For a boy, clubs are all about hunting for girls and trying not to look stupid. That's about it. It's not fun, it's like going into battle. That's all changed now that I'm Ursula. Now my nights on the town are all about pretty dresses and frenching in darkened doorways and getting pinched on the butt by total strangers. Yeah!

4/9/99 
Well, Makeup turned out to be fairly eventful. K couldn't go (MORE work crap,) so it was me & Miss L on the town by ourselves again. We were both wearing trashy lingerie, and before we left K gave me a once-over & said "Hmmm... I'm not sure about this outfit! Somebody might try & pick you up!"  Well, as it happened, I DID get picked up... literally! We got to the club late, so we had to stand in line out in the cold cold air, and while we were out there some little troll-guy ran up & asked if he could take a picture with me. I said sure, & the next thing I knew he'd clamped his arms around me & he was hoisting me up in the air like a big sack of potatoes. I felt myself pitching forward, face first toward the pavement, and for a second I was convinced this was some weird kind've tranny-bashing, like this guy was doing some Bruce Lee judo flip on me & I was gonna get my head busted open. Just when I was sure I was about to die, he dropped me back down on my heels and ran away, saying, "I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist picking you up!" He had a car waiting for him at the corner, and I noticed some guy in the back seat with a camcorder. After that I stood around in shock for a couple of minutes, just going, "He picked me up... he... I was just standing here, and..."

We met some fun folks in line. I discussed corsets with these two really cute girls from Canada, & one of them told me she was jealous of my legs! Well, I was jealous of her tits, so I guess that makes us even. There was this one odd couple, this shy little giggly girl and her raging queen of a boyfriend. I dunno if they were dating or not, but he was more fruity than an entire produce market. At one point he ran off for a minute, leaving us to make small-talk with the giggly girl, and when he returned he was acting really happy. I don't know what he was on, but I wanted some! He got very silly, he kept touching the long black hair of the guy in front of him, and  when hair-boy would turn around to look the fruity guy would say, in this big Liberace/Rip Taylor voice, "I'm sorry, I just can't resist touching that hair!"  He was so hyper, he kept getting into mischief. Miss L was having some cleavage problems, her titty pads were trying to escape over her neckline (hey, it happens to the best of us sometimes) and the fey guy kept reaching over and ADJUSTING her! If her'd tried that on me I would have socked him, but Miss L calmed him down by getting him to hold still while she painted his face with her liquid glitter. He was annoying, but he was funny too, and his antics helped to distract us from noticing just how freezing we were standing around in line. We did finally get inside, and we ended up having a wild time, dancing, talking to people, having strangers walk up & insist on taking pictures with us. We're getting to be a regular tourist attraction! I really, really like Makeup... now that Dragstrip's been getting more gay and less draggy, Makeup might be my new favorite club. The only bad part of the evening was how much I was missing K. There was one moment out on the dancefloor when I was thinking about how much we've been apart lately, and I felt so awful I just about cried. Lately I'm feeling like a lady with one of those sea-captain husbands who goes off to the sea for six months at a time. I'm tired of waiting around, wistfully gazing out the window. When the heck is my man's ship coming in, already? 

4/13/99 
K worked this weekend, and she came home too exhausted to go to Dragstrip (am I sounding like a broken record, here?). So... it was me & Miss L by ourselves again. This month's Dragstrip theme was Dragon Ladies, so we both had proper Asian-style outfits, and Miss L had her hair in crazy pigtails like what's-her-name in Street Fighter. People went all out for the theme, I saw one guy with a heavy-looking paper mache dragon on his head, and one queen had a big pagoda in her hair!

We chatted with the Nimrods for a long time, we probably bored 'em silly. Miss L started acting really weird and fidgety at one point. I thought she was having a stroke, but it turned out she was having a severe allergic reaction to somebody's nasty cigar smoke. Poor baby, she was tearing up pretty bad. We made a run for the dressing room backstage to touch up, and while we were there we got into this six-hour, really interesting conversation with Natasha, one of the prettiest queens I've ever seen. Really, she looked like Tori Amos or something. She's just barely in her twenties, but she's already been on hormones for a couple of years. I wish I'd been that brave when I was in my teens... those hormones have really payed off for her! We talked about all kinds of crap, gender stuff mostly. Natasha said that the hormones give her this weird kind've pseudo-menstrual-cycle, she has a week or so every month when she gets moody and crampy. She also said her cycle has matched up with her girlfriend's! I knew that happened to real girls, but I never heard of it happening with transsexuals. When we finally parted the whole club was deserted, it was time to go. We exchanged email addresses with Natasha, & hopefully we can all get together again sometime.

After I got home from the club, I was getting ready for bed when my back suddenly went out on me. Christ, I'd just gotten over the damn foot thing! I haven't had back problems for years, but this was worse than ever, like somebody was attacking the base of my spine with a power drill. I'll have to stay off my feet for a while, avoid sudden movements, etc. Jesus, am I a sex goddess, or what?