Why am I like this? Why am I a he-she, a genderbender, a shemale, a chick with a dick, a venus with a penis? Well, to be honest, I'm not sure. Maybe it's because in elementary school the boys were scary monsters who beat me up every day, and the girls were little angels in pretty dresses who never beat or got beaten. Maybe it's because my daddy split when I was little, leaving me without a male role model. Maybe I'm just genetically hot-wired to be this way. Whatever it was that made me like this, I just know that Ursula had to be. 

I was always so sad about being a boy, until a few years ago when it finally dawned on me that I could either waste my life hating myself, or I could work with the body I had, and be as girly and beautiful as I could be. It took me a while to work up the guts, but eventually I blubbered my feelings out to my longtime girlfriend, K. It was maybe the scariest thing I've ever done; after all, K was the first person I'd ever told! I had almost no idea how she'd react. Would she be okay about my feelings, or would she be upset that I wasn't quite the person she'd thought? Well, not only was she completely supportive and wonderful, it turned out she had some conflicts about her own gender, too! I've always dreamt of being a petite, busty, hot little chick, while K kind've resents being a petite, busty, hot little chick. Part of her would rather be a tall boy with a real spooky look... like me! It's like through some cosmic fuck-up, we've ended up living in each other's bodies. 

We've been stepping out in drag for a couple of years now, and we've had some amazing adventures. Sometimes we'll be on the dance floor together at a club, and K will give me that look of hers that makes me feel so pretty, and for an instant I'll kind've forget that I'm not really a girl. Those moments are pure bliss, better than my trashiest fantasies. My only regret is that I wish I'd started dressing in drag at 16, instead of stalling until my mid-twenties. I wasted so much time feeling sorry for myself, when I could have been out cattin' around town in hot outfits! 

I think everybody should have to dress up like the opposite sex once in a while. You get such weird little insights into why women are the way they are by walking a mile in their pumps. Learning to put on makeup, for instance, is such an exacting science. Everyday girl makeup is one thing, but Christ help you if you're trying to be "glamorous". You spend forever painting and powdering and lining and brushing and gluing, and the whole time you know that you can screw everything up with one wrong stroke. When it's all done you're brittle and wet and sticky, and you can't touch anything, and thanks to your corset and heels you can't walk or breathe very well. You feel like some expensive Hollywood special effect, like you're wearing a Klingon outfit or something. The legendary "vanity" of teenage girls suddenly makes sense! Learning to do your makeup right is so much work that it's no wonder girls spend all that time looking in the mirror! And you never know when your eyeliner's gotten smeary, or there's lipstick on your teeth, so you have to keep looking in the mirror all the time. By comparison, getting ready to go out is an absolute cinch for boys. Shower, shave, comb, pants, shirt, done. No wonder girls always get so pissed off when you're pounding on the bathroom door, saying, "Are you done yet? We're gonna be late!" That girl needs every second she's spending in that bathroom! She's engaged in a life or death struggle in there! It also makes sense why so far there's never been a female Picasso: until very recently, women were expected to do all this stuff every single day. Who the hell has time to paint a Guernica when they have to keep checking their lipliner every two minutes? Women have my sympathy, but if anything drag is even harder than regular makeup. After all,  most real girls don't have to shave their entire bodies, or worry about their tits falling off. 

Despite it all, I do enjoy being a girl, and I think I've gotten pretty good at it. My boyself does find my girlself  attractive, but I'm not sure if my girlself reciprocates my boyself's feelings. Some nights I kind've wish there were two of me, so I could get my girlself drunk and take advantage of her. I think she'd be a really fun date, and I'm pretty sure she'd put out. 

But would I respect me in the morning?