Contradictions
Everything is a contradiction.
I hate my life right now, and
I love my life right now.
I love everyone and everything and
I hate it all at the same
time. Yearning, wanting,
needing, but pushing it all awaay.
Getting, giving, but never fulfilled.
An emptiness in the pit of my
stomach and an ache in the bottom
of my heart. A tugging at the
back of my mind that keeps
me sane when I start to lose
sanity but makes me insane
by doing just that. It's all
a contradiction.
Their Game
How cruel is his game.
His secret smiles and his
winning winks. He wishes me
well, but he may as well
wish for me to fail in my
pursuits.
Knowing I'll never see him
again. Knowing, in a way, that's
his game.
His smile, his laugh, his uneven
green eyes; all part of his game.
The captivation; the bittersweet
smile of his captive.
I know his game, and
knowing it doesn't help. Being
held captive by one game of two;
blue and green. I know that
game well. I'll choose blue.
Falling in the Moonlight
In the moonlight we laughed
and danced a dance we could only
hope to understand.
First you, then me: you're leading,
I'm falling. I've danced this dance
before. Never in
the moonlight. The falling's not so
hard when we're falling together.
Comprehension
It's almost impossible to comprehend all of this.
Yes, everything is normal, but it's strange by just
being that way. It's been the longest week of
my life, just like the two weeks before. I want
to see him again, and I feel so high, and I can't
comprehend that. There's a jumble of nothingness
every day, and every day I grow more tired. Some
day I'll fall asleep and nothing will wake me;
not even memories of cool summer nights and
round, smiling faces.
Nature is My Soul, My Love, My Only Steady Rock
I see God in the white stars above;
I see my love in the rolling waves.
I sense my own anger on the rocky shore
and the complex futility in the shallow pools.
In nature is where my feelings lie:
My heart is in the green, rolling hills,
My soul buried deep in the mountains.
I am never so close to Him as
when I lie awak in unconsciousness
under His cold blanket of diamonds
and blue satin, listening to my
love crash upon my anger,
dripping into complex futility.
Beautiful You
Your memory pelts me like cold rain;
I need thick skin to think of you.
It's odd what dreams may bring
To you in your sleep.
So I was not completely taken
By surprise when my soul
Began to melt and drip
Down between the cracks of the
House I built around my heart.
Some subconscious spell you've been
Working has done its work.
Just think of me, won't you?
How did I ever get down here
Again? My soul is weary
With wanting you. I'm trapped
Here either way, so my mind
Can't even focus now!
But you've done nothing. All
You're guilty of is being
You. Wonderful, beautiful,
Peaceful you. So judge and
Jury, take me away, lock
Me up. I'm going insane
Anyway.
despite what any of you may think, the following poem is not about anyone you know, so no rumors!
David
Oh, you lied, but I fell in love with you anyway.
So sweet, so new, so sweet, I couldn't help
myself time and time again. But I'm speaking
metaphorically. It wasn't just you. But you stand
for each one. How I love the feelings you've
instilled deep down in a cold lonely place.
I can't squash the hope, thank you very much.
But I'm getting there.
Thank you for your smile, your fever, your
gestures. They'll stay with me somehow for a
while. Goodbye, David. You lied when you didn't
even know you had. I was knowingly
deceived. I love you, so thank you.
My Place (this place is close...)
Paint me a picture of heaven he said.
I cannot.
Tell me of God, he demanded.
I cannot.
Sing me songs of angels and clouds and eternity then, pleaded he.
I cannot, said I.
But I can show you a place-
A place in which I hear
songs of angels and clouds and
eternity.
A place in which
I know God. For
He is there.
A place in which
the trees whisper
promises of sweet,
breezy love, and the
waves laugh and
the rocks tell ancient
stories.
I'll paint you a picture of heaven when
I get there.
But I won't need to. You'll be there.
Surviving You
Loving you is both the hardest and easiest thing I've
Ever done. I give of myself so freely; bits and frag-
ments of me float pointlessly around the universe. Where
Do I belong? In your arms. I continue to hold on
To memories of you, which lead me nowhere but in circles of
Torment, never-ending. You feel right to me. I fit with
You like a cliche- dusty, but appropriately so.
You're a shoe that I have to wear that won't break in, won't re-
lent, won't soften or make my journey any easier.
Heaped on my heart, as Edna would say, your love will remain.
Loving you is not the hardest part; it's the time right be-
tween darkness and dawn when I am unsure of your love for me
That is a knife in the back. Help me close the wound and then
Go away. You will no longer be useful. I will have
Survived you.
All We'll Need
When you see me again, I may not be the same.
My sweetness and innocence were forfeited to forget you.
But I'm counting on them to return; thank goodness I'm not counting on you.
For you've let me down in more ways than one.
But you've given me firsts; however, that's no reason for us to run to each
other next time we see each other.
So darling, my indifference may not be an indicator of my feelings for you, but
my words are.
So listen well and my heart will speak truths you've never heard or imagined
before.
You cannot hold it against me then, if I am cold or older when I see you
next.
I've never had a reason to grow up before I met you, but you've given me many
things, haven't you?...
If you find yourself thinking about me, don't feel shame or pity or (God forbid!)
loneliness...just think of what we once had...and smile, for that smile (and your
kisses) is all we'll need when we next meet, my love.
The Pain is Still Here
The days I've spent with you are all lost now.
Your glowing memory calls attention to itself. I regret nothing.
However, I laugh in your face. At your memory.
I am not now nor will I ever be again at the mercy of your glance.
I beg and cry out to be saved from my hellish prison that you've put me in.
Clawing at the bars, my fingers becoming bloody, but I am numb to the pain. My head reels and I fall
to my knees. Tears in a pool reflect the light of what you once were to me, now nothing but an object
for my futile, sharp hate.
I get up and turn from you now ascending the steps to God-knows-where, without emotion to weigh
me down.
I'll go on alone without you. But I'll go on with the truth.
Monday's Song
I got the taste of Monday in my mouth
it leaves an aftertaste like black coffee
no cream
no sugar
my hair is blowin in the wind and
I haven't felt anything for days
I want you so
I have to keep going
cause if I see you once more I'll go crazier.
It's already Monday baby, it keeps comin back
for more.
Drown myself to get the taste out,
so I never have to feel this way again
Your reach
Your stretch
I'm helpless, driving through Monday to get away
to get to Friday
to get to (away from) you
So leave me like you left me already
and I'll be ok
'cept for the taste of Monday