You say it's anger. They all
say it's fear. When I look at
you I see both. More like anger
enveloped in fear, though it
could very well be the other
way around. I never expected
you to be afraid. You are got
me. But you never promised
me anything. I still hurt a
little though. I'm open 24
hours a day now, so don't be
afraid to walk through my
doors. But I know you won't.
You're you, that way. Strange.
Oh well. Goodbye, then.
Oh I see how you work.
Calculating little mind...
You're analyzing me right now, aren't you?
Ha, well go ahead.
See how much you can learn.
Not so daring? Please...I don't buy it.
I see you in the corner, sweat sripping in your eyes, towel
over a shoulder, mouthpiece half in.
*
Running, jumping, you leap.
I sidestep you only too easily.
Analyze this, my friend, she says.
You're back down where you belong.
I'm nearly knocked off my feet by the realization
of who you are. Who you can be.
Who you refuse to be. It almost seems
you've let me win. Or made me lose.
Losing you is a fight. Oh, how quickly I gave up.
a blessing and a curse;
Ah, my life is one big cliche.
I love him and I want him and
he wants me, too. Dreaming
of each other we smile.
There is another. Waiting.
Red flashes and my
ecstasy flow slows.
What of it? There's no
guarantee, so I should
openly give of myself?
Ah, my life is one big
contradiction. I'll never
know. The last month of
sweetness and love is
so close and yet...oh
it's years away. Guilt
will follow if I go there.
Loneliness and insanity will
swell if I stay here.
Here, in this sweetlly
familiar, desolate place
that holds, oddly, little
sentimental value for me.
Oh, I deceived myself,
did I not? You should
have known, it was right
there, they'll say. Purple and
red singed with black and
white. Ah, my life is one
big decision. If only...
No, it can't be. My
ecstasy flow is slowing.
In a moment of sharpest clarity,
I'm depressed.
I bet birds take their wings for granted.
Just the was I do with my mind.
I don't know qhat I'd do with myself if I were a bird.
I'd fly away to a quiet, happy place and
sing all day long. I'd soar high and free. But
I wouldn't get to love you then.
What a pity that would be.
Maybe if you were a bird, too.
But I wouldn't love you the same way.
That would be a pity, too.
For I've loved so well (as Edna would say)
and loving you gives me wings anyway.
I find it funny how little children
are immediately forgiven for acting as
stupid as we do when- -
When we are the ones who receive life's brutal beatings,
the ones who feel the wrath of out elders if
we step out of line.
The ones who, someday, will look at a smiling
round face and chastise it with envy.
My heart is breaking, for you're not near.
It breaks every day, everyday, all over again.
Inconsolable. That's what I am because of you.
And where are you?
The agony of missing you rips at me like teeth and claws.
A weight that's always there. In my soul, my mind, always heart.
Suffering is my only choice. You've supplied no other.
*
How fragile I know I am. Your arms put me back
together only to have my heart break again,
everyday.
Where are you?
I've heard what I wanted to hear. But it doesn't
matter. My tears drip down my insides, not quite
brave enough to spill out. The weight of them hurts
my broken, stolen, inconsolable heart.
Where the hell are you?
I smile sadly as I pull the steel box down around my heart.
The truth was revealed to me so suddenly;
All at once, everything I once believed is gone.
The finality of my experience is my only comfort.
A small comfort, at that. How I miss my illusions.
But that's all they were: never real. More painful,
possibly, than even the truth.
My love for you expands in the illusion.
I don't think when I'm with you, in reality, I loved youu
this much.
But my emotions run crazy, jumping up and down,
My wild heart and bored soul (the masters of illusion that
they are) manifest feelings and desires that are alien.
Tell me now, have I not suffered enough?
Set me free
^mind full of webs.......
I want you gone. I want you gone
from my heart right now.
I left you, so to be fair, don't you
think you could leave me, too?
I can't see through my tears except
for the the blur of light and paper.
I'm losing control, so please leave
me. Let me recover and adjust.
It's not your fault, just- -
just go.
I ain't got no time for self-analyzation tonight, so hand me the bottle and
leave me be. I'm in the mood for lonely and any other color on me just
won't go. The death of an icon and the birth of new hope all in a day's
work. It makes you wonder sometimes, about who chooses and
decides, but I'm in no mood for debate so turn up the music and make it
all fade. Let winter's bony wings hold me while the angels show me
what I'll never possess. But like I said, I ain't in no mood for analyzing,
so draw the curtains and turn out the lights. I'm who I want to be now.
For I'm in the mood for darkness, no clothes will suit me
better. Your arms, a memory yet, and your eyes, an impossible
and fading dream. The bottles's empty and the music's run out.
Only lonely darkness remains.
My heart breaks
and breaks
and breaks.
There is no one to point a
finger at this time. I have only myself-
here- in this room- with no one.
Not even you- whoever you are.
I wish you were here to love and to blame.
But fate is cold...
The pain is fresh
The wound is new
Why do I feel this?
Why can't I have you?
Sinking, I wait.
Covered with a shadow of a doubt,
I know- you won't come.
The night you left, the yellow half-moon hung low in the sky.
The million stars came out to hold it up so I would not lose my way.
I believe your soul spoke to mine just as I believe our
souls are bonded in time;
And it's alright if you don't know that tomorrow or in the next weeks
or years, even. As long as you see it someday.
I'll wait for word from your heart and love you even when I think it
to be lying. For our hearts sheme as our minds do, but our souls never have to.
For they know something ahead of us- ahead of time, above the stars.
We are born to know one another as if time were not a factor.
As if death were a pause in the continuum, this tortuous journey
from mountain top to valley.
We should not fear the falling- the million stars will guide us, even through
the deepest blackness.
So if you send me a signal, eons from now, from across the great valley,
I shall see you and raise my hand in answer-
We will never be far apart, even for a moment- our souls have known each other too long.
Strengthened by summer's song of lapping waves and crickets
I can now retreat from this Never-Never Land to gray reality
Every fairy tale ends but tell me how to re-enter reality
after seeing here what life can be
Even the old are young and the young invincible
untouchable
living from sunset to sunset, trying hard not to dream
but rather to slip into a hazy oblivion
induced by breezes and flowers and love and freedom
I chase the mirage, hoping to grasp and hold forever what I know
isn't truly there.
Where else is everything coated with honey?
There are no problems here, no ugly bumps- all ignored
and unrecognized for a while
No one is bold enough to crack the facade
but ten million times would I rather hold to my mirage
of summer sweetness and eternal beauty than turn back to reality
where there is no hum, no glow of radiant energy
to heal my tattered soul.