The blade was not sharp enough. After the children were done using the Exacto knife for their school projects, and Dan used it to open up his packages upon packages of tax codes, the blade was dulled.
She knew that there were replacements somewhere, but they were never around when she needed them. With a frustrated last rummage around the kitchen drawer, she clutched the knife and slammed the drawer.
She loved this kitchen. It was the first room of this house that she painted. After Dan started his own CPA firm, the money just started rolling in, and with two small children to look after, she gladly quit her job. She never regretted it. It wasn't some high-profile career, like they show in the movies. She knew that she never had the potential to be more then just a very competent data-entry clerk. She got the job after college, while she decided what to do with her degree in art. Then after she met Dan, together they worked hard to save up the money, so he could start his own company.
She was as happy then, as she is now. Jane had always laughed at the women who felt lonely and discontent after giving their lives for their families, only to see their husband drift away, and the children growing older and with their own interests. Those poor women, Jane thought. They never understood that you could never give yourself up so completely.
Jane filled her days up with art classes and activities. She was not going to become one of those bored housewives that drive their families crazy. She glanced at the calendar that was hanging on the refrigerator. It was Tuesday; she had a sculpting class that afternoon. After, she had to pick up Chelsea from gymnastics and Peter from football.
How time flies! Chelsea was already in seventh grade and Peter in high school. Where they really so big?
Well, Peter will be turning sixteen soon and will want a car. He was such a good boy. Always home for dinner on school nights, and never forgot anyone's birthday. She supposed that if he kept his grades up, getting him a car would only be fair. Besides, Jane was getting tired of playing chauffeur to Peter and all his football buddies.
At least Chelsea was still a baby. But she was growing up so fast too! Last week Chelsea came home in tears because she was the only girl amongst her friends who hadn't hit puberty yet.
"Don't cry darling," Jane said, cuddling her beautiful lithe daughter toward her, "your body just isn't ready yet. It's not one of those things you can change…"
"But Melissa…"
"And you will soon too…and believe me, you'll wish you never…"
"But all the girls," Chelsea began to wail, "they are all getting breasts and the boys…"
"Well, I think you're growing up pretty fast," Jane said, remembering her own childhood. Did her mother also have to go through this with her? She didn't remember, "and since you're so athletic and into so many sports, why don't we start shopping for a training bra? Just to get you started?"
Chelsea stopped in mid-sob and broke out in a smile and gave Jane a hug.
"Oh mom! You're the best! Not even June has a training bra yet! You're great!" <>p>Jane smiled. Her babies may be growing up, but they needed her still.
And she still had Dan who adored her. Planning romantic moonlight picnics, and trips to nowhere, where she and Dan just stayed in a hotel all weekend, alone, just like when they first met.
In the stillness of the house, the unwashed breakfast dishes were drying in the sink, but Jane didn't see them. She heard the laughter of when they first moved into this large, six-bedroom house.
"Mommy! Mommy," Chelsea called out, "it's so big! Will I need a map?"
"No, you dork," Peter said, carrying a large box of his soccer gear, "you'll be sleeping in the dungeon!"
"Well, then you'll be in the tower, waiting for some princess to rescue you!" with a shriek, Chelsea ran upstairs as Peter laughing chased after her, pelting her with his gear.
"Kids! Kids! This is a new house! Don't destroy it until your mother has a chance to take a bath first!" Dan called out after the kids. He set down the lamps he was carrying, and pulled Jane toward him. "Happy darling?"
"I would be happy even if we were living in a shack in Bora Bora," she said, giving him a kiss.
"Sorry darling, can't. Bora Bora's tax laws are atrocious," said he laughingly, kissing her back.
Jane laughed as she turned toward the kitchen, where the last owners had painted it bright green. While Dan was supervising the movers and watching the kids, she drove to the hardware store and bought cans of paint. She was not about to eat her first meal in her house, in a bright green kitchen.
Smiling gently at the memory, Jane wandered through the dining room, beautifully appointed in soft creams and burgundy. She remembered her first dinner party in this room, and how she trembled with nervousness. Dan was such a wonderful treat, as he kept everyone amused with stories of his terrible golf game.
As Jane passed the study, which Dan had set up, so he could work at home on the days that she needed a break, she noticed that Dan's computer was still on. Treading carefully around the stacks of papers, and the books piled haphazardly around the floor, she turned the computer off. He must have worked late again last night, Jane though. He did have dark rings around his eyes this morning. She made a mental note to defrost a lamb chop later. That was Dan's favorite.
Jane surveyed the hurricane that must have passed by in Dan's study and decided not to clean it up. It was almost tax season, and somehow Dan always knew where everything was, as long as she didn't move anything. After the season however…
Jane went upstairs, and checked Peter and Chelsea's rooms. Although extremely rumpled, their beds were made, and the mess on the floor was only moderate. With a sigh, Jane went into the large master bedroom. Dan had made the bed while she cooked breakfast. She was so lucky to have him.
When she first met Dan, she was so wild. The Jane of then, would never have imagined that she would be married with two kids and domesticated. Dan worked for the company that did the taxes for her company. Her boss assigned her to work with Dan to explain what the various codes and notations meant in their system. When Dan first asked her out, Jane had a good laugh with her girlfriends. He seemed so stogie. Not the usual bohemian men that Jane was attracted to and dated. But as she and Dan worked together, his sense of humor got to her.
"Miss Jane Garron, are you asking me out?" Dan said, with a huge grin on his face.
"Yes, but only because I really need a date, and you're the only guy I know that owns a suit."
Dan laughed not the least bit offended, "well, in that case, it would be my pleasure to be your knight in shining armor."
Jane never had a better time with anyone. They dated regularly, and soon became a couple. Although Dan never said anything, she started to see her friends through his eyes, and saw how pretentious and garish they all were. Slowly, she started to find more in common with Dan's friends, who she once snubbed as being too boring.
Jane never regretted knowing Dan. He has provided well for her, gave her a lavish home and beautiful children. He encouraged her classes and would often cook dinner if she were running late. Could there be anyone more perfect then Dan? He was the man most women dreamed of, Jane thought. Peter is going to be just like Dan. Already a little gentleman.
Filling the huge bathtub with hot water, Jane noticed that she was still clutching the Exacto knife. How strange. She set it by the bathtub and poured in bath salts. As she undressed Jane stared at herself in the mirror. Her chestnut brown hair was still as thick and bright, as it was when she was in college. True, her breasts were starting to sag a little, and she had a little potbelly from her children, but her legs were still firm and her face was still unlined. No one would have guessed that she was approaching forty-five. She looked too young and happy.
The water was hot, just like Jane liked it. She allowed herself to sink into the tub, the hot water loosening her muscles. This was the best part of the morning. This moment alone to herself, in the quiet of the house. Before Dan came home and the kids with their friends running through the house. Before she had to be wife and mother. Not that she minded those roles. She did them well, and she enjoyed doing it. But this, this time was hers.
A glint from the blade caught her eye. She had totally forgotten about it. Jane laughed a little, she really was becoming old! Picking it up, she stared at the little nicks along the edge. She ran it along her thumb, and drew away. It wasn't completely dulled yet.
Wordlessly, Jane lifted up her wrist and ran the blade across it. Her hand pulled back from the pain. Although it broke the skin, there was no blood. Jane ran the blade across her wrist again, this time harder. Ignoring the pain, she ran it across again and again and again as dark red lines ran down her arm into the water.
Fascinated, she watched as each drop of blood fell into the water and turned pink. Lighter and lighter until it was dispersed into nothingness. Jane watched this until her arm got cold. She sunk deeper into the tub, letting the still hot water, now a light translucent pink, lap gently at her neck. She felt so relaxed and calm, like she hadn't felt since she was married.
Oddly, Jane wondered if Bryan, one of her old friends who was a musician, ever made it big. She felt a pang of remorse for not ever keeping in touch with them. For letting them float out of her life, taking that part of her identity with her. They would understand the serenity she was feeling now. Her yuppie art class friends, all of them housewives with pretensions of artistic skill, could not share it with her.
She was sure, that if she could just concentrate, she could still remember Bryan's phone number. The years melted away, and it didn't occur to her that Bryan might have moved, during the seventeen years she's been married. As the water got pinker, and the serenity she felt turned into sleepiness, Jane felt the rightness of what she was doing.
The water was getting cooler, and Jane tried to rise up to turn on the hot water, but found that she her body wouldn't respond. Hazily, Jane noted that the water was bright red now. A drying river of red ran down the tub, from when she first cut herself. For a moment she worried about cleaning it up. If it had gotten on the bath mat, it would be impossible to wash out.
She drifted again, and she closed her heavy eyes, quietly drifting off. The last thoughts she had, were those of Dan's lamb chops, which hadn't been defrosted yet.