As the surly waiter brought the hot and steaming plate of Kung Pao Chicken to the eagerly awaiting portly gentleman at the table, his date, who had just returned from the restroom, and still looking rather green, took one look at the dish and let out a long piercing shriek before she fainted away. This woman like many other people around the country are finding out first hand about the dangers of eating in a Chinese restaurant. Most unwary Americans view eating in a Chinese restaurant as a special treat, only to be indulged in for special occasions. This however is a fallacy which must be addressed immediately. The food, the people there and the decor of Chinese restaurants may be hazardous to your health! The Surgeon General should make Chinese restaurants post warning signs before there is a class action suit!
The purpose of eating in a Chinese restaurant is to eat tasty foods. However, when the food is contaminated, the purpose of eating in the restaurant seems rather dubious. The fact that the meat can not be identified, regardless of what the menu reads should be considered. Many people have placed orders for chicken that only vaguely resemble any poultry product and beef that required the imagination of Disney to be considered meat, neverless beef.
Then, there are the sauces. Many scientists have pondered over what goes into duck sauce and soy sauce. Although after years of research, scientists have finally deduced that MSG stands for monosodium glutamate, there are still many question about the origin of MSG and its real purpose here on Earth. There is a small but vocal group in the scientific community that believe that MSG is a brain-washing agent that extra-terrestrial aliens are using to take over the world. The very idea of entering a Chinese restaurant for its food defies comprehension and only supports the theory that the Chinese are indeed inhuman (or is it inhumane?).
Besides the dangers that lurks in the food, restaurant itself can be a hazard which is often overlooked. To start with, the dated decor is both tacky and painful to the eyes. It is rather doubtful that the ancient Chinese had decorated everything with that bright blaring red and flickering florescent lighting (which only makes it more painful). Also, from the amount of crusted, left-on food, on the utensils, the idea of using chopsticks seem more reliable, but the splinters from chopsticks are a danger that many do not stop to consider. There is usually either a sheen of oil on the plates or in the water glass. However, the coup de grace would have to be the restrooms.
Always out of toilet paper with the only other toilet either stuffed up or overflowing, the need to quarantine the area off becomes more and more viable (the only viable thing in there). The stench of both bleach and ammonia causes such a toxic cloud that the food doesn't seem as bad. How does anyone have an appetite after one of these visits is a mystery only to be solved on the X-Files.
Although the very environment of the restaurant is dangerous, the denizens are probably the most hazardous to the health. The waiters never smile, and when they do, the smiles resembles smirks which raises the question of what do they find so humorous. There have been numerous studies about postal workers, but the real danger lies in disgruntled Chinese waiters!
The owners of Chinese restaurants are also dangerous. In their sad attempt to be affable, they have insulted blue haired old ladies and made many defenseless babies cry in terror. When confronted by an unhappy customer, they drop their guise of jolliness, and with the ability of the most practiced chameleon, change into a purple faced screaming shrew. It is debatable which guise is the more dangerous.
Then there are the customers of Chinese restaurants. Besides the occasional well dressed yuppie, the majority of clients are either nosy old ladies or families with children who have vocal cords Pavoratti would be jealous of. While the families merely require intense concentration to block out, the little old ladies are harder to avoid. They think nothing of approaching people to pinch them on the cheeks, asking what they have ordered and claiming to know their parents. Amazingly agile for their age, they are extremely hard to get rid of and can be arguably one of the more dangerous denizens of Chinese restaurants.
While the pungent aroma of Sweet and Sour Pork may be enticing, the dangers that are involved from entering a Chinese restaurant should be enough deterrence. While the food may smell enticing, remember that under all of the strange sauces, anything may be disguised (rodent problems are a rarity) and with the blinding red decor to distract, the chances of consuming something that is not on the four major food groups becomes amazingly high. Provided that poisoning does not occur with the consumption of the food (and that the blindness is not permanent), there is always the inhabitants of the Chinese restaurant to endure. This may be the straw that breaks the camels back. Very rarely does anyone ever escape totally unscathed. Beware poor hapless fools. Beware...because that ain't chicken you're eating...