FEN20010824.1551
A X-mas Epic
Santa at his workshop, The elves working on toys, Pouring over blueprints, Thinking of good girls and boys… "My dear wonderful helpers!" Santa gleefully cried, "Let's make this the best X-mas ever!" As everyone swelled with pride… But not everyone, Was as happy as they, There was a small fraction, That was filled with dark hate… "Every year he does this!" A fuzzy fiend declared, "But this year I'll show him!" This pink furry one did swear… With a cloak of black, To cover his fluffy white tail, His perky ears peeking out, Where his hood didn't conceal… He called out to his compatriots, Others just like he, To whom Santa was an anathema, And wanted him to bleed…! Under a cover of darkness, Gathered the most venerable of creatures, The Tooth Fairy, the Boogieman, Father Time and Mother Nature… They all came by summons, And even more filled the room, Everyone started to murmur, As they thought of Santa's doom… "SILENCE!" a voice boomed, From beyond the crowd, As a spotlight shone to the stage, Stood a lone figure in a shroud… "Who do you think you are?" Cried little Baby New Year, "This better not waste my time!" He had the audacity to jeer… "SILENCE!" it yelled, "All in due time, We now must work together, But I have nothing to hide…" With that and a flourish, His cloak was unwrapped, It was the Easter Bunny! The crowd all gasped! "Yes it is I, the Easter Bunny, And Santa's pink best friend, But aren't we all his great buddies? Don't we all want him dead?" "Yes, yes!" cried the Boogieman, "I, for one, am sick! Of how he gets all of the adoration, The ugly old prick!" "And what about ME?" A soft voice came from the horde, "There is no way I can divorce him, And I'm so freakin' bored!" "I'm tired of mending elf socks, Of cleaning reindeer shit, Of baking cookies and smiling, And of this damned color red!" "I want him out of my life" She cried with her considerable girth, "My name is Mrs. Claus, And I want him to HURT!" Everyone started to speak up, About the injustices they faced, Of how Old Man St. Nicholas, Needed to be put in his place… The Easter Bunny watched on, At the ensuing melee, Of the wrongs they had faced, Their right to be angry… Back at the North Pole, Oblivious was he, The object of hatred, From this unholy assembly… "X-mas is approaching" The mastermind Bunny said, "Tomorrow is the night, If we want Santa dead…" "It will be the night before X-Mas, At his annual holiday party, Remember to act natural, And no one will suspect a thing…" "No more subservience and scraping, The end of his tyranny is at hand, He's gotten too big for his britches, So everyone follow the plan!" And follow the plan they did, As they went to the party, Weapons concealed, Under their holiday finery… Santa was in rare form, Chasing elflings in short skirts, Drinking the booze, And eating between burps… "Drink up! Drink up!" he cried, "It's been a bumper-crop year!" Then leaning close to the Tooth Fairy, "Are you wearing a bra, my dear?" With her resounding SLAP! That was the signal given, Out, whipped their bombs and pistols, And brand new AK-forty sevens… "What do you think you're doing? You second rate hacks! How dare you do this? Are you on crack?" "How do WE dare?" Asked the Bunny with eyebrow raised, "I think the real question, Is how can you be so blaise?" "It is upon our backs, That you've gained your fame, We're the ones that toiled and sweated, While you played your reindeer games…" "We worked our jobs, And then yours too! What thanks did we get? Not a penny from you!" "You call us your friends, But ignore us when we need help, You stole the affections of our followers, You fat insolent whelp!" "Oh stupid little creatures," Evilly chuckled Santa Claus, "The toys were just a ruse, To get by the anti-weapon laws!" "The Pentagon has been subsidizing, My research and development… So-called magical Toyland, Is the heart of Lockheed Martin!" "You all think you're so important, When the truth of the matter is, Our little 'day jobs' are jokes, Just childish anthropolymorphic shit…" The elves opened fire, And those led by the Bunny did too, Bullets flew everywhere, Blood splattered through and through… The Sandman made sleep, Mother Nature blew away the elves, Father Time stopped their tracks, While Death's sickle fell… "Where's Santa? Where's Santa?" The Easter Bunny called into the fray, "We've got to find that fat a-hole! Not a moment to be delayed!" They found the Boogyman, In a pool of blood and gore, The found dead elves by the droves, And Death at death's door… The Easter Bunny himself, Had half his ear torn off, His glossy pink fur scruffy, His fluffy tail no longer soft… His nemesis was nowhere, The place was in tatters, Their mission not even accomplished, Magical Toyland shattered… "Oh what have we done? Oh the humanity! Look at this carnage! Stop the insanity!" "Santa had the right idea started, The Pentagon has money to plunder, But so does the terrorists, And dealers with money to launder!" "The problem with Old Nick, Was that he was always so lame, Never thought of the big picture, Just into the glory and fame…" "So what about Santa?" Mrs. Claus called out, "He's still out there, That impotent fat lout!" "Don't worry my dear madam, The Bunny's eyes then gleamed, "We'll hire Osama bin Ladan, To head the Santa hunting team…" The cheering in that room, Made the scarred walls shake, But they could have saved their energy, For they were far too late… During the melee, An injured Santa crawled, Amongst the dying bodies, Out past the entrance hall… "And where are you going?" Asked a chill voice in the dark, "Always the coward, You stinkin' fat ol' fart!" "Jack! Jack Frost! Is it really you? If you only knew the nightmare, That I just been through…" Jack Frost looked at him coldly, "Your nightmare has just begun, For your crimes against hope, You should be hung…" "You were supposed, To be the spirit of giving, To give love and hope, For all the living!" "Instead you pandered To the ones with the wealth, Ignored the destitute children, Looking down on their cookies and milk…" "It's not me it's them!" Santa started to beg, "It's the Bunny and the Fairy!" Clutching Jack's leg… "Please no begging Santa, From them I never expected any better, But you were the spirit of love, To give hope to those that matter!" "For every child you betrayed, A part of you will become cold, Until you're a frozen statue, To match your icy soul…" Jack Frost kindly sat with him, Until the gray arctic dawn, Cast light upon a crystalline Santa, Paying for his wrongs… The world never missed Santa, The rich already had all the toys, Even the good hadn't seen him in centuries, Besides, there were more sophisticated joys… The Pentagon now had a ruthless, New Bunny mastermind, Who sold arms to them, And anyone that had cash to buy… The X-Mas elves got used to, The Easter Bunny running things, As production was now up, And there was even profit sharing… Altogether nothing had changed, For no wrong were really ever set right, Except for the lone icy statue, Validating the hope of X-Mas night…