FEN19971212.0931
Greetings and salutations Santa, elves and anyone dumb enough to feel like they owe me a gift...
Yes, it's that time of the year again...LET'S ALL GIVE FENNY A GIFT Day (WHAT??? So I decided to rename X-Mas...MY holiday has more...pizazz to it, don't you think???)!!! For those of you who are "alumnus" of my annual list, you know the drill, for those of you newcomers (FRESH MEAT!!!), this is my annual X-Mas list that I mail out to everyone that NEEDS to give me a GIFT. As this is the abridged version of the list (the unabridged version is 247 pages long...not including the index, of course), so these are only the things that I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want. For those of you who just can't find that special something, the unabridged version IS available (only $29.95 not including shipping and handling). If you get stuck on a gift, just call the Fenny X-Mas hotline (operators are standing by) and one of my sales reps will be ready to assist you at anytime.
This list is not complex (I designed it for the simpletons that are my friends and family...er...I mean...for the lovely gift givers that are my friends and family), but there ARE a few sections to it. In the past I've done a "Table of Contents", but since many of you used this to line your birdcages with (I know WHO you ARE!!!), that only confused you even more. So, here is a brief overview of what is covered. The MAIN list starts right after this letter. They are not in any particular order (fennies don't have orderly minds), so don't place too much importance on the position a certain gift is on the list. On the list there are items that have "see appendix" after them, which starts right after the main list, on page 5. The appendixes are broken up by category and you may select any item in the appendixes. They function like the list, but since it's a huge category, I just lumped them together in the appendixes. Please, do not feel hampered by sending me only one gift...by all means...send as many gifts as you deem appropriate (the more the merrier, I always say)...and please remember...this IS the season of giving...
Even if you have already purchased a gift (or many gifts) for me, please still review this list as there may be items that you have not previously thought of purchasing for me and can still do so. Now, every year, several of you have taken it upon yourselves to make it a point of sending me a lump of coal. Coal is fine as a gift...once it has been compress under a ton of pressure and CHANGED INTO A DIAMOND, thus anyone caught sending me a lump of coal again THIS year will DIE a horrible and tragic death (remember, I AM the Unibomber).
All right, go out, shop, have fun, AND DON'T FORGET TO SEND THE RECEIPT WITH YOUR PRESENT!!!
Fenny!!!
P.S. Note to Santa: Every year you put me on the "naughty list". If you persist to do so, you will be sued for discrimination against the "nice and goodly challenged".
MAIN GIMME-GIMME LIST
1. Belong to a NORMAL family
2. Look like Lina Inverse (or any other cute female anime
character)
3. Create the equations/formula for the Grand Unified Theory
4. Have wings (real ones so I can fly)
5. For the damned birds that swarm over my office to STOP
POOPING ON MY NICE CLEAN CAR!!!
6. The perfect piece of chocolate mousse cheesecake (served
on Antonio Sabato Jr.)
7. Vis to be happy
8. For Reggie to admit that I did more then he did during
the Oil Weekly acquisition (hahaha!!!)
9. Do public relations for Hell (they need a good ad
campaign to bolster their image...if the Kennedys can
get away with it, Hell can't be THAT much harder!!!)
10. For X-Mas decorations to be put up AFTER Thanksgiving,
not the day after Halloween
11. To conquer Earth, then sell it to some aliens, use the
money to buy a little condo out in Alpha Centuri and
retire
12. Ferrari (or any other car that's really, really, really
cool looking)
13. Never to be cursed (er...I mean...blessed) with children
14. Have a NORMAL name
15. Books (see Appendix A)
16. The Lochness Monster
17. Victoria Secret's Million (actually, this year, it's
THREE Million) Dollar Bra
18. To die quickly and painlessly (emphasis on the
painlessly part)
19. Antonio Banderas tied to my bed (heeheehee)
20. To have magic (real magic, not the cheezy Lance Burton
stuff)
21. NO MORE FRECKLES!!! (I have freckles, which I do not
like)
22. A DVD player
23. Look like Audrey Hepburn
24. To be a natural blonde
25. A new family
26. Never get fat
27. Pay for my car insurance
28. Have artistic talent
29. To be able to ice skate (ha-ha Wilbur!!!)
30. Stay forever young
31. Have the body of Tyra Banks
32. To be a SUCCESSFUL actress (the fact that I have NO
acting ability doesn't matter...neither does Demi Moore,
and look at how successful SHE is!!!)
33. Tom Cruise with a big red bow
34. Mel Gibson with a big blue bow
35. David Duchovany with a big green bow
36. A GOOD tennis partner
37. A new slave (Wilson is getting too old to do all my work
for me)
38. Anime tapes (see Appendix B)
39. Proof that I am ADOPTED
40. To be a part of the crew for the Starship Enterprise
(but NOT with Capt. Kirk)
41. A cabbit (a REAL one)
42. To be a multi-bill-zillionaire
43. To have a brain (if I only had a brain)
44. Create the ultimate web-site
45. To look good in white
46. A Grecian god to bathe me every morning (with lots of
bubbles) and to tuck me into bed each night
47. Green eyes (withOUT contacts)
48. Marry either Steve Case or Bill Gates (free Internet
access for LIFE!!!)
49. A shopping spree at Sax Fifth Ave (no price
limit...wheeeee!!!)
50. An international chef/chocolatier on call
51. Not have to wear seatbelts
52. Have RuPaul's legs (yeah, I know she's a guy, but have
you SEEN his legs??? They're GORGEOUS!!!)
53. Comics (see Appendix C)
54. Clothes that look good every time I wear them
55. A mutant power (a COOL mutant power)
56. To be reincarnated as Mrs. Hudson's cat (Muffin has it
GOOD)
57. To NEVER be reincarnated as Stephanie's cat (poor
thing!!!)
58. Stonehedge
59. Be hired as a professional couch potato (with good pay)
60. Understand how co-pilots work (or more importantly,
never screw them up again)
61. Be able to sing
62. Be able to dance
63. To have ANY rhythm at all
64. Own a EVA unit
65. Pen-Pen
66. Be a vampire (and live with Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and
Antonio Banderas for the rest of my days...heeheehee)
67. Never sunburn
68. Be a certifiable Professional Annoyance (right now, I
only have amateur status)
69. Be able to write (I mean, REALLY write)
70. To have a good hair day
71. A new family (oh, yeah, I said that already...well, I
REALLY want this)
72. Have eidetic memory
73. To live in Oz (as the witch of the East...love them
Munchkins...hahaha!!!)
74. To get my flying license
75. A Dalmatian fur coat (hahaha!!! Just kidding!!!)
76. A new laptop with external modem and CD-ROM drive
77. For everyone to SHUT-UP about Princess Di...she's dead,
get on with your lives...sheesh!!!
78. A pool boy (heeheehee)
79. To beat Wilson at chess (I hate his guts)
80. For Anne McCaffery to win the Nobel Prize in Literature
(which she so richly deserves)
81. Tigger
82. Have my birthday changed to be on Halloween (I'm so
jealous Vis), April Fool's Day, or on the Ides of March
83. Trip to New Orleans during Mardi Gras
84. Typing lessons...this is taking waaaay too long to type
85. Rocky Road Ice Cream. And lots of it
86. Help me invade Ft. Knox (heck, I'll even share the gold
with you)
87. The voices in my head to STOP TALKING ALL AT ONCE
(mwahahaha)
88. The Hope Diamond (actually, you can keep it [and the
curse as well] I just want to borrow it on occasion)
89. A couple hundred acres of land in Beverly Hills,
Potomac, or Manhattan
90. For the hospital that I was born at to admit that there
was a mix-up and my parents brought home the wrong baby
91. Proof that I really come from Pluto
92. For the entire world to understand the complexities and
the artistry that is anime
93. To understand the ending to Akira (I don't care what
anyone says, it's just twisted)
94. Have perfect eyesight so I can get rid of these #%$@
glasses and contacts
95. Be able to walk on water (just so I can tell everyone I
can)
96. Pay off my credit card bills (yikes!)
97. For the Smurfs to come back onto TV (the GOOD Smurfs,
not the ones that have the time travel and the
"smurflings")
98. A photon phaser to zap the morons that cut me off
everyday on I270
99. For the world to recognize me for the genius that I am
100. My family to disown me
101. For everyone to have a totally FAAAAABULOUS holiday
season and a happy new year...
APPENDIX A: BOOKS
1. Shakespeare, William. Job: A Comedy of Errors
Adam and Eve
2. Poe, Edgar Allen. All Hallowed Grounds
3. Heinlein, Robert A. Lazrath's Legacy
Orphans of the Galaxy
The Hershaw Journals
4. Freud, Sigmund. Unvermogend (impotency): A Self Study
Homosexuality: An Introspective Look
5. Austin, Jane. Love and Hatred
6. Wells, Orson. Anarchist's Day Dream
7. Shelley, Mary. Morgan
8. Hemingway, Ernest. Watch by Night
March on the Mountains
9. Tolkein, J.R.R. Silverstri
Keeper of the Scrolls
10. Dickens, Charles. An Apology for: A Christmas Carol
***the above books can all be found in your local cross dimensional, alternate universe bookstore***
APPENDIX B: ANIME
1. The Slayers: Vol. 5-8
2. Yipper
3. Dragon Ball Z: Vol. 1-368
4. Ranma ½ (T.V. Series): the last episode (already aired
in Japan, but not in English yet)
5. Robotech: the entire series, but with Minmay's ANNOYING
voice dubbed out
6. Ushio and Tora: 3
7. Battle Angel: 2-8
8. Macross 3
9. Totoro (yeah, so I never watched it, what's your
point???)
10. Riding Bean: 2
11. Capricorn: 1-3 (yeah, it's fluffy, but I happen to like
fluff!!!)
12. Ellcia: 1-3
***many of the above anime are not yet released (nor even written yet) so please contact the studios so they can get right on it***
APPENDIX C: COMICS
1. The Uncanny X-Men: #1-40
2. The Amazing Spiderman: #1-35
3. Visual Assault Omnibus: #5-7
4. Bone: #1-6
5. Strangers in Paradise: #1- whatever they are on now (I
guess I should start reading it)
6. Polymer Doll Isabeau: #1 (heeheehee...come on, I
couldn't resist)
7. The Mermaid series (by Rumiko Takahashi): just tell her
to hurry it up...geez!!!
***naturally, all comics must be first printing and in mint condition***
A couple of last notes and things...
I'm impressed...you've made it this far without pulling out all your hair in frustration (I'm just aggravating, aren't I???). I hope you were able to find a gift suitable for me from the list. If not, please keep in mind that I DO have the unabridged version available (only $29.95 on sale now...shipping and handling not included), or you may call the FENNY 24 HOUR GIFT HOTLINE (operators are standing by)...
The FENNY 24 HOUR GIFT HOTLINE is available for those of you who just can't decide WHAT to get me (if in doubt, get everything), or if there are any problems or questions, or if you wish to order the unabridged version. A new feature of the FENNY 24 HOUR GIFT HOTLINE is that you may now file for getting an extension for giving me a gift, over the phone! Previously, you would have needed to fill out all the forms in triplicate and have it postmarked no later then midnight December 20, but now, you may just call and file over the phone (deadline is December 24th to file for the 1997 extension). Please remember, all collect calls will be charged to your account with the usual 16.7% interest rate...
Now, since last year, many of you have voiced complaints that you should be exempt from giving me a present (or many presents) due to religious reasons. Well, I would like to take this time now to emphasis that this holiday is not about religion...heck, it's not even about peace on earth! It's a holiday to celebrate the blatant and aggressive marketing tactics of huge meglo-maniacal heartless corporations that cater to our greedy and capitalistic ideal that we can not survive without having everything everyone else has (regardless if they have it or not) and more. So, you see...this holiday transcends religion and moralistic beliefs to what we really want and care for...gifts and plenty of them...hahahahahahaha!!! But seriously...you need not give a gift if it's against your religious beliefs...just keep in mind that it's against MY religious beliefs to allow you to live...heeheehee...
Happy holidays everyone and hope you all have a wonderful New Year!!!
Fenny!!!
P.S. Don't forget to recycle this after you're done!!! Don't want to pollute the planet before I get a chance to conquer and sell it!!!