FEN19981103.1645
Greetings and salutations Santa, elves, reindeer, parole officers, and anyone else that has the misfortune to know me…
The leaves are changing color…the air is getting cooler…and there are SALES, SALES, SALES everywhere! That's right…the winter season is almost upon us, and once again, it's time for Fenny's Annual Gimme Gimme List!!! I know that quite a few of you use my list to line your kitty litter with, but that's OK. I know who you are, and when I dominate the world you will all feel the WRATH OF FENNY!!! Mwahahahahahahaha!!! Die! Die! Die all you petty mortals! Worship me or DIE!!!
Ummm…er…yeah, sorry about that. Got carried away…been munching on the mistletoe again…
Anyways…I know…you think I take all the spiritual joy out of the holiday season and all that, but let's face it…I really don't…it's just easier to blame it on me. We all know that this holiday hasn't been about spiritual uplifting since the Germans decided to put a pickle in a dead pine tree and tried to market the idea to the Brits a couple hundred years ago (the French were too smart to buy into that). This holiday is a wonderful celebration of the purity and the genuine beauty of capitalism, materialism, and mass marketing. And for the record, may I just state that I am truly and honestly PROUD to contribute MY part to making this holiday THAT much more special (and you all say that I never give back to the community!!!). So shed your petty and small moralistic shackles and let yourself celebrate the joy of unabashed greed and the love of a capitalistic dog-eat-dog society, where cheap, tawdry and demeaning mass marketing by the mega-maniacal corporations, happily caters to our materialistic and insecure egos and the conviction that we can not be happy without possessing more of everything then anyone else!!!
My only (small and little) complaint is with that X-Mas tree thing. Isn't enough that you have to kill a poor and helpless pine tree? One that has done nothing but beautify the countryside and purified the air! Why MUST you prop up it's dead and decaying corpse in the family room (in front of the children no less!), dress it up like a strumpet (and with guests around!) and rejoice in it's final death throes (what will the neighbors think?)??? Sigh…it must be another one of those American things (such as dressing pets up like humans, black velvet Elvis paintings, and Jenny McCarthy's "acting" career) that I can never really understand…
OK…I know all of you are anxiously waiting for me to give you the list, so without much more ado…I give you, Fenny's Annual Gimme Gimme List…
Fenny!!!
P.S. Santa, don't be expecting a plate of cookies and glass of milk. Cookies aren't healthy, milk will clog up arteries, and as for the plate and the glass…well…the Asian market has been doing pretty poorly, and everything is made in Taiwan, so you figure it out. Oh, yeah, and don't forget to read my little note to you at the end of this list before you leave the North Pole…it may make you re-think how you want to load that sled of yours…
Fenny's Annual Gimme Gimme List
1. To dominate the world (see Fenny's Plans for World
Domination: Part I...paperback version now available for
only three easy installments of $59.99)...
2. Get my pilot's license (makes hijacking a plane so much
easier when you don't have to worry about shooting the
crew)...
3. Death of the Spice Girls and Hanson...
4. To be the ONLY CyberDeity (Lila...eat your heart out!)...
5. A trip to Six Flags/Magic Mountain (only NOT that
spinning ride thing...gah!!!)...
6. The voices that live in my head to go away...
7. Kenneth Starr to get laryngitis. I'm getting so tired
of hearing him yak about nothing all the time...
8. ...and PLEASE give those poor journalists something to
report on besides Monica Lewinsky's latest outfit or air
bag safety...I can only take so much!!!
9. Antonio Sabato Jr. with a bright green bow...
10. Keeanu Reeves with a bright blue bow...
11. Go bar hopping with John, Paul and George (but not
Ringo...ewww)...
12. To be senior public relations account executive of
Hell/Hades...
13. A normal family (to any relatives that are reading
this...sorry guys...you know that I love you guys to
death...but let's face it...the Lin Family is just a WEE
bit screwed up)...
14. Diane Miller to get RimsCom W and USE IT!!!
15. Have my own "School of Anything Goes Martial Arts" dojo
(hahaha!!!)...
16. For Piero to COLOR CODE THE DEMOS CORERCTLY!!! Eight
years of DTN color coding history and tradition down the
drain by a color blind Piero (hahaha)!!!
17. For the voices in my head to shut up...
18. To be forever young...
19. Live in South Park, Colorado...
20. Wilbur and Susan to "nookie-nookie" (heeheehee...it's
about time you called ME with a story of your sex
life!!!)...
21. Be able to do math...
22. Have a summer house in the Southern Continent on Pern...
23. For HBO to show something other then Men in Black for
the umpteenth time...
24. For the Redskins to win the Super Bowl this year (there
is still a chance that they could make it to the play
offs! There is! There is!)...
25. A life...
26. Not get fat when I pig-out and eat bags of candy...
27. For JavaScript to make sense, damn it! Haven't I have
sacrificed ENOUGH websites to the great Java Gods...when
will it be enough???!!!???
28. For the revenue split between OPIS and DTN to be back to
70-30...
29. For my birthday to be on Halloween (it just ain't
fair!!! Why couldn't my mother just wait TWO more
days??? Geez...)...
30. A cabbit...
31. For all that talking inside my voice to stop...
32. To be the Ultimate Cosplayer of the World (Tokyo Cosplay
Girls, enjoy your title since your days are
numbered!!!)...mwahahaha!!!
33. Robert A. Heinlein to be reincarnated and finish all the
books that he was never able to write before his death...
34. An elvensteed...
35. For that STUPID tomato plant/tree/weed on my balcony to
produce an actual edible tomato!!!
36. Figure out how to use that moronic Microsoft Access 97
program, since it REFUSES to work the way it's supposed
to work!!!
37. My soul back (lost it to a demon in a poker game...just
a tip kiddies…never try to bluff a Prince of
Hell...sigh...)...
38. For the voices to whisper instead of always shouting...
39. New places to hide the bodies...the Potomac River is
starting to smell (heeheehee)...
40. Buena Vista/Disney to renounce all claim to my Kiki's
Delivery Service, which they abused and defiled (is
nothing sacred???)...
41. A new slave...the Munchkin is getting old and just can't
work as fast as he used to...
42. Be able to ice skate...
43. Nicole's head on a pike (yeah...I'm still the vindictive
slitch that we all know and love)...
44. Money. Lots and lots of money...
45. For a certain someone (SHANNON) to stop calling me at
the crack of dawn (hush Shannon, it was FOUR in the
morning and you know it!!!)...
46. An all expense paid trip to Never NeverLand...
47. Not look so STUPID every time I goof up (I know...this
one's a biggie)...
48. To sail on the original Titanic (WITHOUT Celine Dion's
whiny voice in the background, thank you very much!)...
49. To win the lottery every time I play (doesn't have to be
the jackpot...just SOMETHING!)...
50. Long eyelashes. I hate having stubby eyelashes...
51. For all spammers (except me...heeheehee) to contact some
horrible disease and DIE!!!
52. Good hair days (just ONE good hair day once in a while
would be nice)...
53. To have a clone of myself (FINALLY! Someone that can
REALLY understand what it's like to bear the burden of
being a fenny)...
54. A diet that works...
55. To be a staff member for Anime Expo (sure it's in
California, but can you imagine all the "subversive"
activties I can do at the largest anime con in the
US???!!!???)
56. Can't the voices just agree (just once?), I get so
confused with so many commands...
57. Experience a hurricane...sure I may die, but isn't that
just a part of the fun???
58. No more Princess Diana specials. Please! She was great
and all but the wench is dead...let's all get on with
our lives...
59. The English language to make sense (or at least
logical)...
60. For Disney to stop making movies with talking animals!
Mice don't talk. Get over it already!!!
61. An Internet provider that doesn't punt me every time
some tweenie pops on...
62. Belief in the human race again...
63. To be crowned the Otaking (or should that be
"Otakueen"???)...
64. No more talk shows. I don't care if it's daytime talk
or the late night shows...don't you think it's getting a
little silly now? I mean, what's next? Mother Teresa
having a talk show (with Shirley McLaine co-hosting?)???
65. A cure for schizophrenia (help me!!!)...
66. Be an elf (not those Keebler things, a REAL elf)...
67. The slow and painful death of Apollo Smile (Sci-Fi
Channel anime fans know who I'm talking about)...
68. To be the first female Pope of the Roman Catholic Church
(yes, the one in the Vatican)...
69. To not always have to do what the voices tell me to do...
70. A little tea party with the Mad Hatter, the White
Knight, the Unicorn and the Jabberwocky...
71. Not to be clumsy anymore...
72. To die before I'm old and gray...
73. To always be the perfect fenny (there have been a few
narrow escapes, where I nearly got my fenny license
revoked)...
74. Have the common sense of little green apples...
75. Good low-calorie southern fried chicken (Laura makes THE
best SFC, but ye gods, I can feel the fat multiplying on
my thighs just LOOKING at it!!!)
76. Be a crew member of the star-ship Enterprise (or
whatever the futuristic equivalent is)...
77. My childhood back...
78. For the voices in my head to shut up!!!
79. To be more then "pleasant looking"...
80. To be Ms. Hudson's CAT in my next life...Muffin has it
GOOD...
81. Be able to roller blade without Emilamy nearby...
82. A new brain. The old one ran away a few years
ago...very inconvenient (not to mention quite rude of it
too!)...
83. For American culture to accept anime as an art form and
SHOW THE UNCUT VERSION OF SAILOR MOON!!! Moonies of the
world UNITE!!!
84. The question to the answer "42" (heeheehee...those that
have any clue what I'm babbling about...he's coming out
with a new book!!!)...
85. Be one of the crew member for the American's Cup in the
year 2000...
86. Bring back Kindred and Covington Cross (I know...I'm the
ONLY one that ever watched those shows)...it's not often
that I actually REQUEST TV shows to come back on...but
those two I actually LIKED...
87. A direct interface between the brain to board pathway
link up to my computer and the Internet (no download nor
uploading time...heeheehee)...
88. A normal name...
89. The voices! The voices!!! ARRGGGHHHH!!! No more
voices!!!
90. A sushi bar in OPIS-land (that also serves a nice warm
shot of saki with some prime yellowtail sashimi)...
91. No more bell-bottoms nor polyester anythings...
92. The win the Nobel Prize in Literature before Danni does
(not that she could EVER write better then I can...but
in the off chance that the Nobel board accepts her
paltry bribes...)...
93. Never get a bad review (take that you silly editors and
pesky critics!!!)...
94. Auntie to write to me!!! Miss those long, horribly
misspelled letters...
95. To live happily ever after (only WITHOUT the chirping
talking animals in the background)...
96. For the people living in my head to get their own
bodies...
97. Everyone to come to Katsucon (Fenny's Katsucon group's
information site:
http://members.aol.com/fennylin/fenny.htm) and Otakon
(info posted on the same site, once I get location and
time)!!!
98. To be THE cutest goddess (take that Jordi and Sonya!!!
I get the most worshippers!!! All hail the Cult of
Fenny!!!)...
99. To know that I'm not crazy even if the voices say I am...
100. Oh yeah...and while you're at it...world peace would be
nice too...
One last note to Santa:
Look, you fat and crusty old gremlin…I better get Antonio Sabato Jr. in my stocking (or him just wearing a stocking…heeheehee) this year, because you are going to need my help! Last year you didn't take me seriously when I told you that if you kept this "keeping a list and checking it twice" shit up, I would sue you. Well, guess what? I have spoken to my lawyers and I have filed a civil suit against you and your organization for all of the gifts that I have been denied from your highly illegal and discriminatory policy against the "goodly" challenged, and the emotional distress this policy has caused me. With all the witnesses I have lined up, not even those wimps that were on OJ's team can win your case...
And don't even THINK about trying to retaliate. Federal prosecutors are building a case against you on charges of breaking and entering, smuggling, international espionage, coercion, embezzlement, harboring illegal aliens, and bribery. And guess who is their star witness. And don't think that the elves will try to help you. I've seen them talking to the American Civil Liberties Union about you exploiting them as a minority, and the reindeer have sought the Humane Society for protection against you...
Oh, and it seems that priests are not the only ones that have a perchance for little alter boys...from what I hear, a group of them are filing charges against you for sexual assault. It seems that you got a little too jolly with that "come sit on Santa's lap" crap...
So grab your ankles and a ho ho ho, and a merry X-Mas, 'cause it looks like Bubba is getting a brand new cell mate!!!
A Scientific Inquiry into the Feasibility of Santa Claus
WARNING: If you still believe in Santa, do not to read this
1. After studying zoological documents, there does not seem to be any known species of reindeer that can fly. Admittedly, there are over 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, which does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, but only Santa and foolish parents have claimed they exist... 2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish nor Buddhist children, the workload is reduced to 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that is 108 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each... 3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, and assuming he travels east to west (which is the most logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. Which means, for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, go down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute presents, eat whatever snacks have been left, go back up the chimney, into the sleigh and move onto the next house (not counting the pit stops necessary after consuming so much milk and cookies)... 4. Therefore, Santa's sleigh has to move at 650 miles per second; 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle from Earth, the Ulysses Space Probe, moves at a speed of 27.4 miles per second - the conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour... 5. Now, assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is known to be rather obese. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see #1) could pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can not be done with just 8 or even 9 reindeer; 214,200 flying reindeer would be needed. This increases the payload, not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is 4 times the weight of Queen Elizabeth... 6. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance (this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the Earth's atmosphere). The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they will burst into a withering flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms. The entire reindeer crew will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,35,015 pounds of force...
In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents(which I never got) on Christmas Eve, he would be dead now...
***NOTE: I did not include the deliveries of black coal for disobedient children in the calculations***
GLOSSARY (This is for those who are illiterate or reading impaired): conventional - customary, common and ordinary centrifugal - moving or directed away from a center or an axis ludicrous - laughable because of obvious absurdity or incongruity quintillion - a 1 with many O's after it (to be precise 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 or 1 times 10 to the 18)