I woke up laughing one night. I was giggling so loudly in my sleep that I woke myself up. I was disoriented at first, but as I sat up in bed, it dawned on me that I had been dreaming about Seinfeld. George and his girlfriend were sitting in the coffeeshop, and she was giving him the "It’s not you, it’s me routine". My boyfriend-of-the-week had broken up with me that day, and all of a sudden I realized what it was he said to me. "It’s not you, it’s me." I laughed so hard I must have woken up the neighbors.
I wasn’t too sorry about this guy breaking up with me anyway. I mean, he actually thought I’d go out with him on a Thursday night, and when I told him that was out of the question, I had to explain why.
I used to have a steady boyfriend, Eric, but he broke up with me. He said it was because every time he wanted to express his deepest innermost feelings, I started cracking up in the middle of a sentence, apparently for no particular reason. When he asked me what was so funny, I’d proceed to give him an hour-long explanation of last-night’s Seinfeld episode. He said he just couldn’t take it anymore.
You know, I actually went on a date once with a guy who said he never watched Seinfeld . Can you imagine that? Naturally we never made it to the second date.
I went back to sleep and dreamt about all my ex-boyfriends, locked in the back of a mailtruck, with Kramer and Newman behind the wheel, driving to In-The-Middle-Of-Nowhere, Michigan.
That’s where I’m from. Well, this boring suburb in Michigan anyway. One of those suburbs where all the houses look alike, all the lawns look alike, in fact, all the people living there look alike. Nobody watches Seinfeld there.
Going to High School I didn’t have any friends. My life was quiet and empty, like one of those suburban streets on a Sunday morning. It was as if I was waiting for something to happen to me.
So after graduating I moved to the West Coast. I would’ve moved to New York City, but what did I know, I’d never even heard of Seinfeld back then. Four years ago I moved here. Seinfeld was in it’s fifth season then.
I remember watching "The Puffy Shirt," and "The Marine Biologist" in my dormroom, with a big throng of people. I was popular all of a sudden. I had a lot of friends back then. We all hung out and talked about Seinfeld. I met Eric that same year. I was sitting out on the lawn in front of the main library, and I was eating Fruitloops from this little box. You know, the snackpack kind. The little box that you can tear open and pour milk into. So anyway, he came up to me, asked what I was eating, and then we shared the little box of Fruitloops. He even nicknamed me Fruitloop. I hardly ever think about him anymore though, really.
I don’t know what happened. I mean, I’m not lonely or depressed or anything, ‘cause I can always watch Seinfeld, but it does seem like I hardly talk to anyone any more these days. I guess it started when I decided to write my thesis about Seinfeld. I mean, I had to do research, right? So that’s when I really started watching a lot of Seinfeld.
Anyway, the morning after I woke up laughing, I watched "The Hamptons," one of my favorite episodes ever. I have all of them on tape, a whole bookcase full, and I watch one every morning while I breakfast on a bowl of Fruitloops, my favorite Seinfeld-food. It’s like a ritual. I spoon it in one Fruitloop at a time, making sure that I never eat two of the same color in a row. In order to make sure, I mostly eat during the commercial breaks.
After that I took a shower and washed my hair. You know, I kind of look like Elaine. No really, I do. I’ve got the same long curls, and it even has the same color, thanks to that Nice ‘N’ Easy stuff she promotes on TV.
Anyway, after I washed my hair I had lattes with my best friend, Emily. She is so much fun. Last summer we drove down to L.A. together. We actually drove by Jerry’s house. That was so exciting. I really, really wanted to go to the Safeway where I heard he buys his cereal, but Emily thought that was stretching it a little, so we ended up going to Disneyland instead.
That’s actually what we talked about over lattes, what it would be like if Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer took a trip to Disneyland, and whether Newman would get to come or not. Unfortunately, Emily had to leave before we could figure this out. She was kind of in a hurry, and when I asked her if she was coming over to watch Seinfeld on Thursday, she said she was really very busy. I don’t know, I guess she must be, but she’s been missing our Thursday night Seinfeld date for three weeks now. I’m worried about her. It’s not healthy to be so busy that you have to miss Seinfeld.
I myself am not too busy these days. I mean, I’m writing my thesis, but that’s mostly fun. I get to read up on all the latest Seinfeld gossip, and I always have a really good excuse for watching TV. I’m graduating in two months, but I try not to think about that too much. I know I’m gonna have to get a job, and that everything is going to be different, but every time I find myself fretting over that, I just get out my stack of Seinfeld-articles and start reading.
I don’t know what I’m gonna do after school, but I’m saving for a trip to New York . That’s what I really want to do, go visit all the Seinfeld-sites, have coffee at Monk’s, go on Kramer’s Reality Tour, get soup at the Soup Kitchen International, you know, the one the soups Nazi episode is based on. I spend hours just planning out my whole trip. I will be going by myself, of course. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
So that afternoon I went on the internet to look at some cool Seinfeld-sites. There’s thousands of them, and I never get bored with them. The Seinfeld-chatrooms are even cooler though. At least those people understand what I’m talking about. Well, that afternoon I found this really cool bulletin board, devoted entirely to Seinfeld. I even put my own message on there:
Hi, my name is Susie.
I'd like to go on a nice date with Jerry just once. My birthday is coming up soon. If anyone knows Jerry Seinfeld and can arrange a date for us please contact me.
My e-mail address is: susie@uclink4.berkeley.edu.
I'm single!!!!!! I like Jerry! I'm normal!
Pretty cool, huh? I think Jerry would be just perfect for me. He’s about the only guy I’d consider spongeworthy. Well, no one ever got me a date with him. I mean, I didn’t really think anyone would.
My name really is Susanna, but my friends call me Susie, after the episode where Elaine develops a slit-personality at work. Well, anyway, that’s what I told them to call me, after I’d first seen that episode.
So here I am, Thursday night, but not just a Thursday night. It’s the night of the last ever Seinfeld episode. I was going to organize a party, but then I just never got around to it. I don’t know, I’ve been kind of apathetic lately. Maybe I’ve had too many Fruitloops. I don’t really know what they put in ‘m anyway, but all those bright colors must do something to your brain.
So yeah, I’m just sitting on the couch, in my sweatpants and my XXL Seinfeld T-shirt. It says "Master of my Domain" on the front. I couldn’t find one saying "Queen of my Castle," and they only had it in XXL, but I had to have it.
My mom just called, and she was going on and on about the remodelling of the kitchen, so I said: "Oh, you know mom, I saw this Seinfeld episode where Jerry’s remodelling his kitchen." And you know what? She hung up on me! So here I am, all by myself, enjoying my Fruitloops. I’m having them with vanilla ice-cream instead of milk, to honor the occasion.