Just beginning a letter to you, my love
only beginning, for this will have no end for many years as we wheel around this planet. I toast your memory, here in my nighttime, with a warm smile for those around me. The warmth is fleeting in my eyes - burning with an ever-present desire that needs be hidden, most times. Otherwise, without you all joy would be as the chinotto that brought such tears to my eyes, when last I knew hope and also in that moment knew the full pain such brings once again.

I hear your voice, sometimes in the night. I have known your death, and your burial nameless in a dream that stole all memories of your footsteps from the face of the rest of the earth. It could not wipe them from the corners of my heart, and in the night I cried my passion and your betrayal to the ocean. Through tearfogged eyes I have let the sun slip away from a beach lookout where a girl in grey and a ragged anklet stood on a grey bike, watching nothing. And I hide those eyes, that they may see no longer your absence.

Without you I can live, I am not so desperate as that; it is just that I do not know why I live unless it is to wait, to seek and then again to wait. With you I know the many frustrations of seeking to be with another, the complications of my faults meeting yours and then the problems of the two of us meeting the rest of the world. Without you every joy is halved, every smile is the barrenest swirl of sand. You are the mirror of my delight in the world, without whom there is little of interest to be found.

I live in your touch, so blended into you that the merest contact can arouse us both to that wordless state. Such dreams I have had, of bright and vivid scenes and players, yet none lingers more than that where I reached out across the mattresses in sleep and grasped your hand. You are my balance; in the depths of the ocean and the rushing of the river I find you.

Now I prepare to sleep again, alone as is my wont though not my deepest wish. For I could only trust to be with you, and you are not here. With all my heart I grieve your absence and yet wish you joy in what it is you do now, without me; for I would never presume.
Life and light be with you.

Forever yours