Love

I'm in the kitchen of the hostel in Edinburgh, sitting in a bay window watching the light arrive from behind the church and castle. I miss you. I'm up on my own at the moment - my body's decided 7 am is wake-up time, or maybe 7 hours sleep means enough, and R's is on eight so I left him upstairs and came down to enjoy the quiet. The intersection outside is noisy, although not peak hour yet. But there's inner silence, which is good.

It still surprises me how introspective I've become. Maybe I always was, having always loved silence, but now it seems like I have to seek it out more. Travelling with R is odd because it's very discursive and spontaneous - our minds work equally well and naturally together in that fashion. Sometimes though I just have to stop.

It was odd though, getting out of bed and leaving him. I remember what it feels like to get out of bed and leave you, and it's nothing the same. With you I feel my body drawn to touch you, to stroke you, to hold and love you, and my heart doing the same - wanting to give you all the love I can, and not wanting to go away from you. With R there's none of that - no physical bond at all. Which is strange, because there's a distinct physical link. He is very familiar, like a part of me or another me - our touch interlinks perfectly. We can instinctively touch the parts of eachother (usually shoulders or back) that need touching, and we both know touch well enough to do it right and use it to speak with if we want. But there's no draw to, no constant pull on the heart to be together. It's more like what keeps us close is the need to work in tandem, like we think better as a unit and it feels wrong to try and plan or make decisions from a foot apart. Not that there's much contact - we wear so many layers of clothing that we might as well be a foot apart. But the closer we are the more our eyes see the same thing, and the better our minds seem to work together.

I'm coming to think of it as the difference between the two meanings of counterpart. In so many senses he is me, he would be what you'd call my "male counterpart". He has the touch, the discursive strength and the short attention span, the temper explosions that are controlled by blood sugar, the same sort of responses to the same sort of stimuli, the ability to think intelligently about issues and the wide knowledge base. You however are more the meaning of "counter - part". The part that counters me. The qualities we share are those that balance eachother, so that as I feel myself becoming more like you I feel myself becoming more like what I should be, and we become stronger. True partners - not the same at all, but complementing. And I miss the feel of you there, in balance, within reach. I so much want to hold you now, and kiss you over and over and promise never to leave you like this again. I'd want to leave where I was, if only to travel again - the bug has hit somewhat - but I wouldn't want to leave you.

Must finish this - I'm beginning to lose track and think of other things, like breakfast. The sun still isn't up, but it's quite light. Remember, you will always be my mate, no matter what. I'm coming to believe what I always knew - that that can't be broken or left behind. Thank you for understanding that before I did - it's helping me understand it.

I love you, always
T.