I'm alone again.
Can't hold back the tears for long.

Hate it when everyone leaves,
when I thought they were staying
but I only thought they were staying because I needed them to
wanted them to
needed something
something I can't have.

I'm not allowed to touch anyone,
because that's dangerous,
overfamiliar, tolerated only because 'Tiki's like that'.
But I want to touch, to feel with my hands
to hold
and to be held.
Right now I'd cry on someone's shoulder
but there's no-one I trust enough.
(or is it want to trust enough?)

I want people to know that I'm in distress
blocked from myself
blocked from others
something's wrong and I don't understand it.

I can't explain what's happened
sometimes I try, but it's wrong.
I want your help
but I can't find it without losing the little I have left.

down on my knees I cry out
'Why can't you hear me?'
'Why aren't you there?'
and I am still alone, no one hears or comes.

It makes me want to fail everything at school
so that suddenly someone notices
but who would?
because I wouldn't say much during the semester, just smile quietly
just like now.
Then, at the end, after I really had failed,
mum or dad would see my grades
and it'd be another parent-child affair.

Some guy was talking to me on a bad day last semester
when I couldn't find anybody
but I just needed somebody
and he saw that I was down -
and he said that there was counselling available.
Maybe I should go for that, but
i don't know.
It wasn't right then, it may be more right now,
but still I question what they can say that I don't already know.

The problem isn't not knowing what to do
I have plenty of ideas.
It's deeper than that, where I can't get to it.
And I don't want someone else digging in my business,
tearing out the insides of my bones and making me eat them.

I just want...
help.