Copyright Disclaimers: The character of Max is part of the Dark Angel television series created by James Cameron and Charles Eglee. I own no part of the show and seek no profit from this short character monologue. No copyright infringement is intended.

Inspiration disclaimer: The characterization of Max by Jessica Alba and the entire show are the inspiration for this quick trip into Max's thoughts.

Timeline disclaimer: This takes part sometime after the first season episode, Cold Comfort (first aired 11/28/2000).

Content disclaimer: This is one of Max's monologues. Spoilers for Cold Comfort and previous episodes.

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Bliss

Written 12/8/2000 By Complx

I'm defective. It's the straight, simple truth.  Only there's nothing straight or simple about it.

I was created... built... constructed. Whatever you want to call it.

I thought I had escaped for the most part... trying to live as normal a life as I could... a job, friends.

But I'll never really be free...

Somewhere along the way, something in my genes got messed up.

I'm reminded of it by my bar code.

I'm reminded of it when the seizures start and I have to take the supplement to survive.

I'm reminded of it when every few months I get the itch... and the entire male gender presents itself as an opportunity for me to scratch.

And, most recently... I was reminded of it when I saw what happened to Brin... Werner's syndrome.

Now I have something else to worry about. As if I didn't have enough to think about already.

Will that happen to me? I don't want it to happen to me... I don't want my body to suddenly age. I don't want to die. Especially not that way. I know I'll die eventually... but I don't want it to be that way... it would almost be like Manticore won.

Then again... maybe they built in my survival instinct too.

I'll never really be free...

I'll always be looking over my shoulder. When will they find me? Where will they find me? How will they find me? Now that Lydecker knows what I look like it'll be even harder to stay ahead of them.

Some days, the world is almost normal... or whatever normal passes for after the Pulse.

Other days, it feels like the hounds of hell are chasing me for all eternity.

I'll never really be free...

But I won't surrender... I won't give in... I won't give up. I can't go back to Manticore... I'd rather die than go back there and lose what I have left of my genetically engineered soul.

I know hell... and I live with it in my memories, my fears and my life.

I've seen normal... I see it everyday. I live it everyday... but I'm never really part of it... always an outsider... always with my secret... my hell. Always different.

I never asked to be created... never asked to be a genetically engineered soldier... never asked to be hunted. All I want is to find my brothers and sisters...my family... and live my life.

I'll never really be free...

Who knows... maybe one day I'll find someone who can fix me. Of course, that's more of a fantasy than anything else. Chances are that my screwed up genes will probably cause me to end up back at Manticore like Brin.

I'll never be free. I'll always be running... from Manticore... from Lydecker... from myself.

Unlike most people... I know why I'm here... why I was created... and that parts of me are defective. But knowing isn't always best after all, I still have to live with that knowledge and the questions raised by it.

Maybe it is true what they say... ignorance is bliss.

©2000 complx

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