"A Dream Fulfilled" I quit school when I was 15.After experiencing my first panic attack two years before that my need to leave school was great.Those two years were filled with fear because when I was called upon to read aloud in class I would panic and then begin to cry, making myself an object of ridicule. One's peers can be very cruel. The years passed and I was kept busy raising my two children alone while facing panic and anxiety every day. Occasionally I would think back on my school days and shudder yet I regretted not getting my high school diploma. But I felt there was nothing I could do about it so I put it out of my mind. Returning to school was out of the question because there was no way I could sit for hours in a classroom...I was afraid to be alone in my own home. When I was in my early fifties I heard about the GED program from a friend. She had taken the exams a few months previous and offered to loan me a book to help me prepare myself should I decide to take the exams. I thought,"What the heck? Even if I don't take them I'd be learning something anyway." I called the Department Of Education to see how long the waiting list was and if they made exceptions for people who were handicapped...not that I was physically handicapped but I sure was emotionally. To my surprise and delight I was told that they did make exceptions...that I wouldn't have to take the exams in a classroom with a crowd of people. I was to call and set a date whenever I felt I was ready. I studied that book every evening for six months. Tears were shed especially over the Math. After all, I had been out of school for almost forty years and had never been good at math, especially geometry and algebra. I hated those two subjects. I finally called the Department Of Education and made the appointment to take the exams. They were scheduled for January 20th. On January 18th my older sister died and I postponed taking the exams for two weeks. The exams would last for three days, from 9AM until 12PM. There would be six subjects in all and I felt I could pass five of them with math being my downfall but I had to try because even if I failed at least I had given it my best shot. My friend drove me that first morning to the Confederation Building which is the seat of government here in Newfoundland. As I got out of her car and my friend wished me luck and drove away, I realized that this was the first time I had been on my own in 18 years. The building looked much bigger and imposing than it did on the many occasions I had passed it while in a car but imposing or not, I was going to walk through those doors and do what I had come here to do. Opening the door I walked towards the conceirge and in response to my question he told me that the room I was looking for was on the third floor. I thanked him and walked past the elevator and made for the stairs. I distracted myself by looking at the many artifacts and pictures that decorated the lobby. Upon reaching the third floor I was faced with a long corridor with many doors. I started to walk down the corridor while looking at the name plates, hoping to find the one I was looking for. My anxiety started to rise but I kept going and finally found the room. I went inside and there were several women and men busy at work so I stood by one of the desks and hoped that someone would notice me and come to my aid. A woman approached and I told her why I was there and she took me to a very small windowless room and asked me to wait there: that she would be right back. I looked around and wondered how I would ever be able to stay there for 3 hours while trying to focus on the exams.It was then that I wished I'd never heard of the GED program and that I was safe at home instead of this foreign place totally alone. I didn't have too much time to dwell on how I was feeling because the woman returned and placed the exams face down in front of me. She settled into her chair and told me to begin the exam. Turning the papers over,I saw that I would be doing Social Studies and Writing Skills. For several minutes I was unable to think...my mind went completely blank because the questions looked like they were written in a foreign language but I took several deep breaths, picked up the pencil and started.Time passed quickly and I finished the exams a few minutes before the alloted time and felt that I had done well. It was so hard to concentrate although I had done my best to remain focused. The following day wasn't as nerve-wracking because I knew where to go so that cut down on a lot of my anxiety. The subjects were Literature and Science. Literature was a breeze but the Science posed a big problem. I felt so stupid! And I knew if I failed I wouldn't be attempting to take these exams for a long time...if ever. I had studied so long and hard and truly felt disheartened.My friend wasn't waiting for me as she had been the day previous so I walked around the lobby...got a drink from the fountain and pretended that I was one of the busy workers there, despite the fact that they were civil servants.After 15 minutes or so, my friend arrived and I had one more day behind me and one more ahead of me. There is just one exam today and that's Math. I hated to go there with such negativity but there was no way I was going to get through this one. If it was simple Math I might be able to scrape by but I know squat about geometry and algebra but I had come this far and I'd have to make the best of it. Even if I did fail my success would lie in the fact that I had attempted this. That meant so very much to me. When I arrived back home that day I cried with relief. I hadn't realized just how much strain I had put myself through and now that I had time to think and let my guard down I was a sniveling wreck All that was left now was the waiting to see if I had passed. Would I finally have my high-school diploma to frame and display? Six days later I received the call I had been waiting for. My heart was up in my throat while I waited for the instructor to give me the news. Had I passed? Yes! There would be no room for me in the world of rocket scientists but that's okay. Who wants to be one of them anyway? My 40 year dream had been fulfilled. I discovered that if you want something badly enough, you'll find that the determination, desire and sheer guts will far outweigh all the fears you might have. Don't think you can't do it! You can do anything you set your mind to and the joy and feeling of accomplishment will be well worth it. Eileen Power February, 1995