The physician explained to me mother had a problem with her stomach, she had a bleeding ulcer and would need special care for a short time. I asked when my mother could travel. I lived in the northern part of the state and had four children. I did not want to leave mother alone, although we had extended family in town. Mother's doctor told me he felt this would be a great idea as mother would have her family. There would be someone with her to see she was eating properly. The physician felt, if she was left alone, mother would not eat the proper diet and at this moment she needed some extra care. He released mother from the hospital the next day. I was given written instructions on how to care for my aged mother's medical condition. The doctor explained to me, that she had an ulcer and to watch her diet.

There was something ominous about the situation. A nurse on her case kept wanting to talk to me for some reason. She would start to tell me what was on her mind, but every time this discussion started to take place it was terminated. I would find out later what she was trying to tell me.

We took my mother to her apartment, after the doctor had released her from the hospital, to pick up some of the things she would need for the trip and for her visit to our home. Before we left, mother went over to the other side of her duplex which she shared with my old aunt and uncle. She was very weak and pale. But there was an urgency for her to spend some time saying good bye to my aunt and uncle, whom she had know since her teen years. Mother was now 80 years old. Gathering up a few articles of clothing, we got her ready for the long hard trip. We fixed her a bed in the back seat of our car so she could lay down during the trip. The three of us rode in the front seat.

The trip up the valley was hard on my mother, but she did not complain except to keep saying how her stomach hurt. When we arrived at our home in the late evening, the other children ran out to meet Grandma. They helped her into the house and made her comfortable on the sofa. Smiling, mother was telling my older daughters and older son about our trip and how glad she was to see everyone in the family looking so well and happy. Knowing mother must be very hungry, I walked into the kitchen and fixed her something to eat. The meal was bland and would be easy for her to digest. My two daughters gave up their room and slept in the family room that night. All of us, being extremely tired, went to bed early.

Having fallen asleep, I was awaken by a cry about two in the morning! It was my mother calling out she was very ill. I woke up my husband. We could tell by looking at how pale my mother was that she needed help. Picking her up, we tried to get her to the car parked in the driveway. Mother fainted in our driveway! Running into the house, I shouted to my oldest daughter, waking her up. I said, "Call the EMT's." I returned to the driveway. In a few minutes we heard the screaming sirens coming up our street. The EMT's, rushing up to where my mother was laying on the seat of the car, took over and started her on CPR. She had experienced a heart attack. Placing her into the ambulance, they transported her to our local hospital. The ER doctors started working on her. It took all night for mother to be stabilized. We paced the floor of the hospital after notifying all the close relatives.

Mother survived the first heart attack and was placed into the Cardiac ICU in our local hospital. I had a friend who was a nurse in the ICU and she took care of my mother. We now had a cardiologist to care for her. Improving to a certain point in the weeks that followed , she became stable to a point and then she would turn unstable and did not get much better. The doctor, in charge of her case, suggested transferring her to a larger hospital in the neighboring city which had a more sophisticated cardiac ward.

Going to see her before they transferred her, I sat on her bed chatting with her. Smiling at me, mother reassured me everything would be alright. Although she was very weak her attitude was extremely positive. When I got up to leave she called me over to her an she removed the diamond ring, which had been in our family for generations, from her finger and gave it to me! Mother was asking me to take care of it for her. Taking the ring, I placed it on my finger and assured her I would take very special care of the ring for her.

The transfer of my mother to the large multi-function facility was scheduled the next day, the procedure for the flowing day. The move to the new hospital was accomplished without incident. Late that night we were called that mother had just sustained another bad heart attack and was in the ICU. They suggested we stay home and wait till morning. The next morning Jim drove into the city to check on my mother. While I was sitting at home waiting for word from my husband, who was at the hospital, the telephone rang. The call was from the school telling me my older son had possibly broke his arm. Just as I hung up my husband called to tell me my mother had expired during the procedure. I was in shock. I explained to Jim that Michael had a broken arm. Jim told me to take care of Michael's arm, he would handle all the details at the hospital. I called a good friend, an Orthopedic surgeon, and explained my dilemma. The surgeon quietly told me to bring Michael into his office. He would wait for my visit even though it was noon and his office was closed. Picking up my son from school, we went to the doctor to get his arm set. Also on the way to the doctors office, I told my thirteen year old son his grandmother had just died.

The rest of this story is the usual story, we had the funeral in my mother's home town. She had made all the arraignments so it was not hard to follow her wishes. My mother was 80. It was a family affair and many of her friends and the family attended.

After we returned home, my older son said to me, "Get this damn cast off my arm". I explained to him he needed to wear it so his arm would heal. A week later he came home with the cast in shreds, he had banged his arm until he broke the cast off. Calling the Orthopedist, I told him Michael had smashed the cast. The doctor instructed me to bring Michael in and he would look at it. When Michael and I got to the doctors office he took an X ray of the arm and advised me the bone had started to heal. The doctor decided to take the hard cast off and put Michael in a splint. The cast was a living memory of his losing his grandmother!

My mother died in April. Her death made an impact on the family, especially me. She had been my safe person all my life, living with a nervous disorder no one understood, and now she was gone. I made it through life till late May and then I completely folded. My stomach quit working, I had constant diarrhea, my nervous attacks were coming daily, and I just could not function. Walking into my bedroom one day, I shut the door and went into total seclusion. I was 'locked in the box'! I was not feeling any emotions. My mind just quit feeling anything! Worst of all I was agoraphobic I could not cross over the line my mind had drawn at the doorway of my bedroom. Outside that door were four children, a husband, and a life I was no longer a part of.

I was the safe person to my two children who had the same nervous problems I had, but I was no longer functioning. The world had stopped for me. I spent the whole summer in my room oblivious of what was happening outside my bedroom door. I did not come out! The only thing I would eat was soda crackers and 7 up. I took a vitamin supplement which had all the vitamins and minerals my system needed. My GI system had completely shut down. Jim did drag me into our family doctor who could not find anything physical wrong. I was so nervous in the doctor's office I could not sit still and constantly kept my eye on the door, which would take me out of this foreign strange place.

During these three months from hell; it was my older daughter who had to, at the age of sixteen, become mother to the family. She was also in a great deal of pain as she had the nervous disorder also.

In the 1980's no one understood about this problem my family had with nerves, so no diagnosis was given to me. The family doctor gave me medication to treat my stomach problems and he even prescribed an anti-depressant for me, but I would not take the medications. I was very angry with the world and I hated doctors. I lived in my self inflicted prison.

Mother was 'locked in the box', and older daughter was having to assume the role of mother. My youngest son, who also had the nervous problem, did not understand what was wrong with his mother and he often would come in and spend the day with me. My older son fought with his sister, and my younger daughter had to witness how the safe family was now dysfunctional. Jim had to work everyday to support the family. I lost 20 pounds in the three months I was 'locked in the box'. Joan, my oldest daughter, started to resent me. Michael was angry with his older sister for playing mom. Marie helped with the family, but she also had a full time job and worked everyday all summer.

At the end of August Jim decided it was time for me to rejoin society. Sitting down beside me on the bed, he talked to me about how this could not continue. I needed to come out of my room and rejoin the family. Shaking my head I told him I couldn't, for some reason I could not cross the line of the door. He did not take "No", for an answer. He said we shall do this one step at a time. The next night when the house had settled down and the children were either asleep or busy Jim took me by the hand and we walked from my room and down the hallway. I was shaking from the unknown fear and I needed to get back to the safety of my room. Slowly each night when it was late we would leave the room. It got so I could, with his help, begin to walk around my home again.

The next step was to get me out of the house and back into the world. Jim would pack me up in the car, very late at night when it was very quiet, and take me for a ride. The first one only lasted ten minutes before I made him take me back home. When he would get me out of the room all I felt was "the fear," but at least now I was beginning to have some emotion. Every morning Jim would leave the house to go to work trusting his oldest daughter to watch me and the boys. Joan was now the mother. She did her job very well.

The next three weeks Jim would increase the time we drove around and as he did this I was beginning to feel other emotions. I was no longer catatonic. Getting out of my room, I was becoming used to being out in the world for a period of time. On these nightly trips Jim would also buy me anything I would eat. Slowly, I was returning to society. Now - during the day - I would start to leave my room, but my older daughter was angry with me. She would yell, "Go back mom. Go lock yourself up, I will take care of the family."

I told her , "No I was the mother not her!"

Joan would then yell, "Then where have you been all summer? I have had to do all the work!" Jim would come home to the power struggle and he would put a stop to it. My oldest daughter was instructed to back off! Mom was coming back to the world. I started eating and began to become able to take care of my family again, but the wide crack between me and my oldest daughter was not repairable. Not only did she have the same nervous condition, she was also filled with resentment towards her mother who had the problem.

The weeks passed and I got better. Each day I would go one step further than the day before. I was becoming able to go out into a limited world. Slowly, with my other children's help, I was returning to being somewhat the mother I had been before the dark curtain had closed me up 'into the box' and the room which had become my prison. By the middle of fall I was able to go to many of my children's affairs at school. I was re-learning how to drive the car by myself to the many places a mother has to go to support her family's needs. I was finding it easier most days, but there were still some of the bad days when I would get up and not want to leave the security of my room. At Christmas, I was almost back to normal, I attended the children's functions at school. I was now able to drive myself and my younger children where they needed to go. I still had all the funny feelings, of my throat tightening up, or the world beginning to spin out of control. I learned to force myself to override these feelings, as I had them most of my life. I kept remembering what my mother would tell me when I was little and had these feeling, "put on your armor so the fear cannot get in!"

This is a true story. It took until 1990 - nearly ten years - for me to finally get a diagnosis of "Panic Disorder" from a very sensitive, bright, young psychiatrist. The family problem had a name. With the diagnosis came education on just what panic disorder is and how, untreated, it can destroy relationships or build strong bonds between the members of a family. I lost my older daughter to the world when she was twenty years old. The problem was that anxiety was now overtaking Joan and she did not want to become like her mother. Four years later I almost lost my youngest son to this very misunderstood disorder. He, like his mother, spent two years in the hell of agoraphobia in his early teen years. Both of these children are now very successful adults as am I. We got treatment for the disorder and medication to help us cope. The greatest gift was education and with the Internet the opening of the door to the world! © October, 1998

Three months ago 60 of my husband's relatives gathered to celebrate his mother's birthday. Attending and eating at such events is always difficult and sometimes impossible. I helped set the tables and had to touch them for support. I was able to get in the serving line beside my husband without clinging to his arm. I sat on the edge of the steel folding chair, squirmed, and clung to my purse which always serves as my security blanket.

Although I kept eyeing the nearest exit, I managed to stay seated and eat everything on my plate. After, I retreated to the kitchen to do dishes and was calm as could be with some of the same people. I became anxious again when my mother-in-law walked around the big hall with a portable mike. She was inviting everyone to introduce themselves and make comments. I was glad I was hidden in the kitchen! But when shecirculated near the kitchen door, I stepped out. I took the mike from Ma's hand and put my arm around her shoulder, partly to show affection, partly for support, And I made a speech!

Last weekend 40+ of the same relatives put on a pot luck supper at the same hall. I had dreaded going because I remembered how nervous I had been before. But every time those negative thoughts would pop up, I'd crowd them out by reminding myself of what a great time I had doing dishes and conversing in the kitchen

When I arrived, I helped set three long tables.No dizziness! I got in line by myself and walked back across the spacious floor to get my coffee alone. I stashed my pocketbook behind me. I enjoyed the meal with my family. It was only when my son mentioned that he was going to help clean up that I reluctantly got up off the comfortable steel folding chair. I went around clearing off tables and then happily went out to the kitchen to do dishes. My pocketbook spent the whole evening in the chair....all by itself!

Hi, I feel pretty lucky as I have once again stopped having panic attacks. I had them several years ago when I was in my teens and stopped for many years only to have them come back right after christmas this year. I went to the doctors and they recommended a workbook "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" which I read every night and did most of the exercises in the book.
It helped me deal with my panic attacks and gave me a new insite to my anxiety attacks, those I have had all my life, but between the workbook and reading several panic pages on the internet,
I have been able to come to grips with many things and now have stopped having the panic attacks and only have the anxiety attacks once and a while. I can now go to the shopping mall or grocery store with out panic. I was also really proud of myself as I had to go to Washington DC for training this summer and I did it.
One of the best things I learned was to keep a positive attitude and keep talking to your innerself to tell yourself it is possible.

I would like to share a little of my story with you, I have been on medication for agoraphobia for 4 years, I have resently went off of it 2 weeks ago, doing good, I still have my moments with anxiety, but I am trying to over come it. I got a job at a day care center, first job that I have had in about 3 years. I was only there 2 weeks though, alot of sickness in the daycare and my body can't take that :( Well I have been driving some and going places that I thought I nexer could without medicine,,, I owe all the Glory to God, for he is the one who gives the strength to go on,,, still have a ways to go, please keep me in your prayers,,,,,

I suffer from panic disorder, but am on meds and am doing fairly good in controlling it.
My success story is one that has to do with driving. I am very limited in the distance I can drive alone, and even though I can drive to the next town which is 7 miles away, I was terrified to drive to another neighboring town that was only 9 miles away. That 2 extra miles scared me. But I had no choice. My husband was working and our 3 yr. old needed to visit the dentist for her pre-school dental visit. She could not start pre-school without this documentation. So I had to stick up my chin and say my prayers and load our 3 yr. old and our 2 yr. old into the car and drive. I was doing it not only for our daughter so she could enter school, but also for myself because I don't want to be trapped in an area that I am comfortable to drive. I want to have the freedom to drive anywhere again. And now I am another step closer!
There is hope. There is so much hope. I have found that even though the idea of being dependent on meds is not very appealing, the alternative is much worse. I have had this disorder for over 5 years, but was officially diagnosed almost 2 years ago. I am under the care of a psychiatrist and see a therapist every month. I have gotten so I can drive to my appointments alone (8 miles) and it thrills me to no end. I have a lot of things I do for relaxation. I have a few nature cd's, like the ocean surf and thundering rainstorms. I know many panic sufferers don't like the rain, but that is relaxing to me. I think of it as God giving the earth a drink, and everyone gets thirsty!
I also read a lot. Another thing I do to stay relaxed is take care of myself, eg. painting my toenails or getting a manicure. Or even soaking my feet in a foot soak solution. Also, I will spend time doing my hair and makeup. These things can boost your self esteem and therefore help you feel better. And I truly find my cat a tremendous help. I know I will be alright the minute she lays on my chest and starts purring. That noise means comfort for her, so I have adopted it too! No, I don't purr myself, but I listen real close when she does. And the last thing I can think of right now that has helped me is to focus on other people in need. If you take your eyes off yourself and start thinking how you can help someone else in need, you feel better.
Hang in there. Pray. Believe that you can do it. You will be OK.

One success story that I am proud of is going to the Tori Amos concert with my boyfriend. I went to a Garth Brooks concert a couple of months before with my sis and brother-in-law and some other people. It was really hard doing that. I was a bit uncomfortable and actually drank a beer or two. But the Tori concert went fine and I was very proud of myself. I sat through it- crowd and darkness and enclosed and everything- and didn't get panicky at all.
That is one success story that I am glad to have accomplished.

I have been dealing with Panic Disorder since the age of 10, I'm 29 now. It was only in 1989 that I was finally diagnosed. The attacks would come and go through the years, but the worst hit me in 1994. I guess the anxiety of building a new home and all the changes brought it on. I suffered with panic attacks daily, even awakened through the night from attacks, for 3 years. I had been convinced that the attacks would never go away and fears and anxieties would just kill me! I couldn't go anywhere, couldn't be alone, and couldn't enjoy outings with my 2 children. I felt incompetent, that I couldn't be the mother I wanted so badly to be.
Finally in October of "97" I was put on a combination of meds. that semmed to be working. As the fears subsided,I decided that I was totally fed up with letting this Disorder get the best of me, and I was determined to reclaim my life!! It was by no means easy, but one step at a time I braved it out. I would stay alone,and when the fear began to creep up I would turn on the radio and keep myself busy. I would drive alone but only 1 1/2 miles to a small country store.(which took all the courage I had). But each time I would do something that I hadn't been able to do in years, I would be so proud that it gave me the courage to take an extra step each time. I have been doing great for almost a year now.
My greatest achievement so far has been this past weekend. My Aunt had told me about a public sale in my town, that she and my Uncle planned to go. Knowing how much I used to enjoy these sales she asked if I'd like to go, so I told her I would meet her there. The items they were interested had been auctioned off and they decided to leave. My husband came to pick up large items that I bought, but couldn't stay because he had things he needed to get done. I was having so much fun I wanted to stay (but in this large group of people,ALONE????!!) I looked at my husband and said " I think I'll stay." Very surprised, he asked if I would be alright. I assured him I would and stayed, 2 hours, ALONE!!
The acomplishment I felt was overwhelming, I felt like I could take on the world! I'm still not 100% but then, who is? It CAN be done, you can overcome this!!
My favorite saying is...."If you believe it, You CAN achieve it!!!" Keep the faith and NEVER give up!

This past spring, our family went on a trip to California, and we were able to visit (and enjoy!), 2 amusement parks while there. (Disneyland and Knott's Berry Farm). I came back motivated to do even better, because although we had fun, and my kids were so cute and enthralled with it all, I think I could be even more relaxed, and have even more fun the next time.
And as a point of comparison, just a couple of years ago, although I was able to do it, I experienced tons of symptoms just walking to the mailbox, couldn't do malls or grocery stores. Now those are not a problem! I still get symptoms when I'm challenged to do something that I don't get to practice a lot .. like travelling / flying / etc. But I figure the more I practice the more the symptoms will go away.

My success story is that I am able to go places alone and drive more.

I do have one to tell - I went to the doctor today, then to the pharmacy, on to the Courthouse where I got my disability tag for parking my car, then to the grocery store to stock up on water, batteries, and the other canned foods one needs just in case. I did not have a panic attack. Hurrah!!!!!!!!!
Of course I am wound up like a top the rest of the day and it is almost 3 am and still going strong :-). I will pay for all this tomorrow but I did what I had to do today - oh almost forgot - filled the gas tank in my car (just in case). While I was doing all this I felt almost normal for those few hours :-)

I am doing much better now than about 3 or 4 months ago. I'm down to only taking .5mg of Xanax at night and I'm not sure I need that, but I'm uncomfortable about quitting. My anxiety is very general in nature. It is never really gone. I can feel it hanging around in the back of my mind. I've only had a couple of attacks in the last few months. I had one on Labor Day weekend, and my wife just didn't know how to handle it. But I'm working full time in a high pressure technical job. I have realized it seems to be much more difficult to do than before I came down with the PAD.
The turning point in basically controlling my PAD was open discussion and writing and talking to others with PAD. This with the medication allowed to gain control. I also noted that making SURE I got adequate rest and exercise was critical. This is why I still take .5mg of Xanax at night. To make sure I get the rest I need. My anxiety becomes worse If I'm tired or if I neglect to exercise.
My job requires me to travel, and I'm doing a lot of it this fall. I can handle that ok too. I've learned to recognize when my PAD starts to build and can generally stop it before it gets control of me. When it starts building, deep breathing, a short fresh air walk and most importantly thinking about or talking about something other than PAD, really helps me.






You deserve recognition for your successes. Let others know. Send me an email and I will post them here.
Eileen