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(Imagined) Correspondence between Erma and Martha (Bombeck and Stewart, respectively)


Hi, Erma -

This perfectly delightful note is being sent - on paper I made myself -to
tell you what I have been up to.

Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood
and a glue gun.  I hand-painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a
blanket in peaches and mauves.  Then, to make the sled complete, I made a
white horse to pull it, from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.

By then, it was time to start making the placemats and napkins for my 20
breakfast guests.  I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course
breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret:  I didn't have time to make
the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch
of the holidays.  So I repainted the room in pink, and stenciled gold stars on
the ceiling.  Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle
molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for the
breakfast.  They were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost
any Hungarian craft store.

I must run.  I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for
breakfast.  I'll get out the sled and take this note to the post office as
soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making.

Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long.  I have 40,000 cranberries to
string - with bay leaves - before my speaking engagement at noon.  It's a good thing.

Love, Martha

P.S.  When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze.
I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries, which I
grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.


			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Toddler's Rules of Ownership


1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

9. If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine.

Whoops! These aren't a toddler's rules... They're just part of
Microsoft's business plan.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
	 What The Hell is a Rainforest?
----------------------------------------------------------------------

(Note: This rant does not necessarily represent the views of Funny
Town, the entire staff... but most of us thought it was pretty funny.)

-----

Rainforest?! When the hell did it become the rainforest? When I was a
little kid it was called the jungle, a place where it's dark and scary
and snakes are crawling everywhere and there's large spiders that bite
you and, if you don't find an antidote for its poison in five minutes,
your heart will explode. Now it's the rainforest, a happy place of
butterflies with smiling little elves running around.

And when did swamps become wetlands? They used to be damp, muddy
places you wanted to get rid of, and now they're beautiful habitats of
endangered wildlife. Hell, they'll probably invent a euphemism for
deserts soon, maybe the "dry land", and they'll halt industrial
encroachment to save some stupid desert snail or kangaroo rat. Like
deserts animals will ever do us any good; they're always out there in
desert for pete's sake!

First of all, I think we should nuke the stupid rainforest (that'll
dry it up) so all those enviro-mental-cases will stop their high
frequency whining about its gradual destruction. Second of all,
well... I don't have a second of all, other than maybe making some big
international summit on enviromentalism, maybe have France host it, so
all the enviromentalists will gather in one place so we take 'em out
with one nuke. See how many uses I can think of nuclear weapons, but
we haven't even used any yet.

Well back to the subject of "rainforests," what the hell do we need
them for anyways? Did you say because there might be some undiscovered
medical cures in its varied plant and animal life? Boy do I wish there
was a way I could program this message so a lightning bolt could shoot
out of the screen at you. If God decided to hide some cure to cancer
way out in the middle of the stink'n jungle, then you can tell He
doesn't like us very much so we don't stand much of a chance
regardless.

The other argument people seem to bring up before their idiocy thrusts
me into a violent rage is that rainforests are "the lungs of the
planet". Let me clue you in: we could agent orange all the
rainforests, and we here in America would never know. We already have
tons of trees and plants here to give us oxygen; hell, we got too many
trees. They're actually a hazard; if you ever accidentally run off a
road, you're likely to hit a tree.

So if one of those little South American countries ends up destroying
all their trees and then suffocating, well, screw them. We never
needed them anyways. Actually that might be good for the economy
because then we could sell them our excess oxygen. Think of the
slogans we could have: "Oxygen Co.: Buy or die." So I guess now my
nuking the rainforest idea not only will get the environmentalists to
shut up, but it also has economic potential.

They really should put me in charge of stuff like this. But wait, you
can just do harsh things like that, the Earth is fragile! Hey, did I
just hear a whine? The Earth is not fragile. Go outside, jump up and
down as hard as you can, and the Earth will not fracture in two. The
Earth is the complete opposite of fragile. It is a giant rock floating
in space. Comets can ram into it at thousands of miles per hour and it
will still survive. So burn down those forests, deep fry those
endangered species, find the most fuel inefficient car you can, and
let the nukes fall like rain drops, 'cause we know the earth will
still be here long after so that we can exploit it for our own
purposes; and, dammit, that's the American way.

- Frank J. Fleming, 

			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten
  lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was
  a rare and precious piece of pottery.  He strolled into the store and
  offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.  "Look,"
  said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I
  like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."  "It's a deal," said
  the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.  "For that sum I'm sure
  you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten
  seems so happy drinking from it." "Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly.
  "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats." 

			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  
  THE PSYCHIATRIST'S 23RD PSALM
  
  The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism, I shall not be
  deprived of gratification for my viscerogenic hungers or my need-dispositions.
  He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social object with affective significance, He positions me in a non-decisional situation, He maximizes my adjustment. Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, I will maintain contact with reality, for my superego is dominant. His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me. He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions. He promotes my group identification.  My personality is totally integrated. Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a direct function of time, And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically secure forever.

			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Several churches in the South decided to hold revival services.  
 The leader was a Baptist and proud of his denomination.
 
 "How many Baptists are here?" he asked on his first night of 
 the revival.
 
 All except one little lady raised their hands.
 
 "Lady, what are you?" asked the minister.
 
 "I'm a Methodist," meekly replied the lady.
 
 "Why are you a Methodist?"
 
 "Well, my grandparents were Methodists, my mother was a 
 Methodist, and my late husband was a Methoidst."
 
 "Well," retorted the leader, "just supposing all of your relatives 
 had been morons.  What would that have made you?"
 
 "Oh, I see.  A Baptist, I suppose."

			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Modem Times -- Maxims for the Internet Age
 
 1.  Home is where you hang your @
 
 2.  The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
 
 3.  A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
 
 4.  You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
 
 5.  Great groups from little icons grow.
 
 6.  Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
 
 7.  Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use
      the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
 
 8.  Modulation in all things.
 
 9.  Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
 
 10. The modem is the message.
 
 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
 
 12. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
 
 13. A chat has nine lives.
 
 14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
 
 15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
 
 16. What boots up must come down.
 
 17. Windows will never cease.
 
 18. Speed thrills.
 
 19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
 
 20. There's no place like http://www.home.com
 
			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 THE World's 20 SHORTEST BOOKS
 
  20.  "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
  19.  "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
  18.  Human Rights Advances in China
  17.  America's Most Popular Lawyers
  16.  Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
  15.  Detroit - A Travel Guide
  14.  Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
  13.  Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
  12.  Easy UNIX
  11.  Al Gore: The Wild Years
  10.  Everything Men Know About Women
  9.   Everything Women Know About Men
  8.   French Hospitality
  7.   George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
  6.   "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
  5.   Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
  4.   One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
  3.   "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
  2.   The Amish Phone Directory
 
  And the number one World's Shortest Book:
 
  1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was
greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have
some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some
really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering
what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two
five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens
demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow
morning."

----------------------------------------------------------------------
	 Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the
screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Cocky Engineer

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked
a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you
looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company
matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased
every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

----------------------------------------------------------------------
 Phone Call to God - 
----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The
Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's
private chambers.

"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

"It's my direct line to the Lord!"

The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists
that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord.
The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the
Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to
pay for my phone charges."

The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally,
the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says:
"All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)

The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months
later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief
Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also
is a direct line to the Lord.

The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine
consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi
gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After
hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time,
the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the
Chief Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel
50!" ($0.42)

The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"

The Rabbi smiles and says, "It's a local call."


----------------------------------------------------------------------

Advice for Yankees Moving South
----------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how
to use it.

2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as
"Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.
Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the
cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will
be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way.
This is what they live for.

5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same
store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let
alone eating.

8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's"
is plural possessive.

9. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

10. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you either.

11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer
proper.

12. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the
last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay
out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those
who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern
license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was
purchased.

16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their
car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

17. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase
one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is
logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the
trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in
common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

19. Florida is not considered a Southern State. There are far more
Yankees than Southerners living there.

20. If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to
drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the
proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

(Contributed by: Sheila Lawrence)

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Employee Performance - 
----------------------------------------------------------------------

My boss asked me for a letter describing my partner Bob Smith, and
this is what I wrote:

1.  Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2.  hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3.  wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4.  thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5.  finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6.  measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7.  breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8.  vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9.  knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.

S.D. - Project Leader

Shortly afterward I sent the following follow-up note:

That bastard Bob was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered
lines (1, 3, 5, etc.) for my true assessment.

Regards,
S.D.

----------------------------------------------------------------------


Lone Ranger and Tonto
----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a
beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who
owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched
his gunbelt, and said, "I do... Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd
like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger
and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from
heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to
feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,
"Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create
enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around
Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger
returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who
owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and
claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your
Injun runnin'."

		---------------------------------------------

You may be a teacher if,

* You can converse in middle schoolease.

* Your last nerve is a distant memory...

* Every day is a bad hair day.

* You find humor in public parental discipline.

* You worry about getting sued for self-esteem violiations.

* You believe the staff room should be equipped with Valium salt licks.

* You stand on your front porch instructing the neighbor children
  to "Walk!"

* Junior Highers make you feel old but you could not be paid to be
  that age again...

* You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to only
  work 8 - 3 and have your summers free."

* You refer to adults as "boys and girls"

* You encourage your husband by telling him he is a "good helper"

* You believe chocolate is a major food group.

* You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

* You believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the
  report card.

* You believe that unspeakble evils will befall you if anyone says,
  "Boy,the kids are sure mellow today."

* When you are out in public you snap your fingers at children who
  are misbehaving.

* You give your husband "the look" when he "misbehaves."

* You have no life from August through June.

* Putting all "A"s on the report card would be so much easier.

* You think people should be required to get a government permit
  before being allowed to reproduce, earned by having worked in a
  middle school for 5 years.

* You encourage a parent to check into home schooling.

* You can't have children of your own because there isn't a name
  you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.

* You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.

* You think that caffeine should be available in I V form.

* Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is
  this kid like that?"

			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A truck driver stopped at a road side diner for lunch.  He ordered a
cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie.  As he was about to eat,
three motorcycles pulled up outside.  The bikers came in, and one grabbed the
trucker's cheeseburger and took a bite from it.  The second one drank 
the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down the apple pie.

The Truck driver didn't say a word.  He simply got up, paid the cashier,
and left.  When he was gone, one of the motorcyclists said, "He ain't much of
a man, is he?"

"He's' not much of a driver, either," the cashier replied.  "He just backed
his truck over three motorcycles."

			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation,
aggravation, and frustration.

Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the 
phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"

       "No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up.
       "That's irritation," says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for 
Alf a second time.

       "No -- there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I
        shall telephone the police." End of conversation.
       "That's aggravation."

"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.

       The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:
       "Hello, this is Alf.  Have I received any phone calls?" 

			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-- [ From: Giggle's Humor List  ] --

Selections from a Southern/English dictionary:

 HEIDI - noun.  Greeting.

 HIRE YEW - Complete sentence.  Remainder of greeting.
       Usage: "Heidi.  Hire yew."

 BARD - verb.  Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
       Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

 JAWJUH - noun.  A state just north of Florida.  Capital is Lanner.
       Usage:  "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

 BAMMER - noun.  The state just west of Jawjuh.  Capital is
                 Berminhayum.
       Usage:  "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000
                in improvements."

 MUNTS - noun.  A calendar division.
       Usage:  "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't
                herd from him in munts."

 THANK - verb.  Ability to cognitively process.
       Usage:  "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

 BARE - noun.  An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
       Usage:  "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

 IGNERT - adjective.  Not smart.  See "Arkansas native."
       Usage:  "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

 RANCH - noun.  A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
       Usage:  "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck
                my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

 ALL - noun.  A petroleum-based lubricant.
       Usage:  "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup
                truck."

 FAR - noun.  A conflagration.
       Usage:  "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my
                pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

 BAHS - noun.  A supervisor.
       Usage:  "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git
                back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

 TAR - noun.  A rubber wheel.
       Usage:  "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a
                flat tar in my pickup truck."

 TIRE - noun.  A tall monument.
       Usage:  "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to
                see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

 RETARD - Verb.  To stop working.
       Usage:  "My grampaw retard at age 65."

 TARRED - adverb.  Exhausted.
       Usage:  "I just flew in from Lanner, and boy my arms are tarred."


 FAT - noun, verb.  1. a battle or combat.  2. to engage in battle or
                                               combat.
       Usage:  "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'all."

 RATS - noun.  Entitled power or privilege.
       Usage:  "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

 FARN - adjective.  Not local.
       Usage:  "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some
                farn country."

 DID - adjective.  Not alive.
       Usage:  "He's did, Jim."

 EAR - noun.  A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
       Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ear!"

 BOB WAR - noun.  A sharp, twisted cable.
       Usage:  "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

 JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction.
       Usage:  "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that
                bob war fence cump'ny?"

 HAZE - a contraction.
       Usage:  "Is Bubba smart?"  "Nah ...haze ignert.  He ain't thanked
                but a minnit 'n 'is laf."

 VIEW - contraction:  verb and pronoun.
       Usage:  "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

 HEAVY DEW - phrase.  A request for action.
       Usage:  "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?  Go bah me that Dash Rip
                Rock tape"

 GUBMIT - Noun.  A bureaucratic institution.
       Usage:  "Them gubmit boys shore are ignert."


       Jes thank ah larnet by muhselv!

Author unknown...

--
Contributed by:  (budr@the-lair.engr.sgi.com)

for more laughs check out Giggle's Humor Page at:
http://www.oldcommunications.com/giggles 

			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am told that this was nominated best email of 1997. 
     To really enjoy this, repeat the dialogue out.  I promise you will ROFMAO!
      
 
     This was a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest
     and room service at a hotel in Asia...which was then recorded and
     published in the Far East Economic Review:

     Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
     Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
     RS: "Rye, ruin sorbees...morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?? 
     G:  "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
     RS: "Ow  July den?"
     G: "What??"
     RS: "Ow July den-fry, boy, pooch?"
     G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry....scrambled, please." 
     RS:"Ow July dee baychem-crease?"
     G: "Crisp will be fine."
     RS: "Hokay. An san toes?"
     G: "What?"
     RS: "San tos. July san tos?"
     G: "I don't think so."
     RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
     G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one
     toes' means."
     RS: "Toes!, toes!..Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we
     bother?"
     G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast'. Fine. Yes,
     an english muffin will be fine."
     RS: "We bother?"
     G: "No..just put the bother on the side." 
     RS: "Wad?"
     G: "I mean butter-just put it on the side." 
     RS: "Copy?"
     G: "Sorry?"
     RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
     G: "Yes. Coffee please, and thats all."
     RS: "One minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
     tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
     G: "Whatever you say."
     RS: "Tendjewberrymud."
     G: "You're welcome."


		~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 THE BEST OF THE WORST COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG LYRICS:

 1. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.

 2. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her heart Was Pure.

 3. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

 4. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.

 5. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car
    Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.

 6. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.

 7. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

 8. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

 9. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

 10. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

 11. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

 12. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You

 13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

 14. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.

 15. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).

 16. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.

 17. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.

 18. Please Bypass This Heart.

 19. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

 20. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.

 21. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

 22. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

			~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


^^^^^^^That's All For Now, Folks!   ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


 

    Source: geocities.com/soho/lofts/7499

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