*After ~Laughing Out Loud~ from reading all these great jokes, use
the *Back Button* on your browser to return to more great *R* Humor.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Just like Old Times
A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places
they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded
countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running
along the road.
The woman said,
"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago."
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and
they made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like
That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!"
The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What is It?
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a
picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one
raises their hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What
animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?"
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture
of a zebra. None of the students holds up thier hands. "See the
stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says "it's a zebra."
"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture
of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's
something your mother calls your father."
Lil Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sex Quiz For Men
1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out
about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex
with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the
last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the
tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with
that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're
still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender
hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to
compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a
question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many
times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the
woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was
coming from a frog sitting next to a stream.
So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn
into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I
was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a
beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of
my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at
her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you
here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We
then made love for hours!"
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious
lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more
wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little
head?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Horse Ride
Little Johnny is passing his parent's bedroom in the
middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.
Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and
catches his folks screwing.
Before his dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims,
"Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
His dad, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable
questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his
stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going
to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.
Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the
part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker
wearing REALLY short shorts.
"Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired,
after she climbed up in the truck.
"It's Snow----Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"
"Me, I'm June----June Hansen," she said.
After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing
me up with those sidelong glances?"
"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered,
....having eight inches of Snow in June?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blonde
eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but
lacked the nerve to go talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket
towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye
back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman
invited him back to her place for a drink.
They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the
bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex
many times during the night.
The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought
him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you
this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replied....
You just happened to catch my eye!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This guy is out on the golf course when he is hit by
a screaming drive right in his groin. He falls to the
ground, writhing in pain. Eventually, he makes it to
the doctor's office to be examined.
"How's it look Doc." he asks?
"Not too bad, says the doctor, You should be alright
in about a week."
"Thank heavens," says the guy, "I'm getting married
in a week and my fiance is a virgin in every way. I
wouldn't want to disappoint her."
The doctor takes 4 tongue depressors and wires them
into place, one on each side of the guys penis. Once
finished the contraption is quite a engineering marvel.
The guy says nothing to his fiance about what happens
and as planned gets married and goes on the honeymoon.
In the honeymoon suite his new bride opens her gown
top and displays a beautiful set of breasts. "These
are for you. No one has ever even seen them before.",
she says. The groom quickly drops his pants and proudly
states, "This is for you. And look, it's still in the
crate!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Stow Away
A depressed young woman from a Manhattan finishing school
was so desperate that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down
to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears,
took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot
to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if
you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
good care of you and bring you food every day."
"Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder
and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me
happy."
The girl nodded. What did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her
in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches
and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love
until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was
discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I had an arrangement with one of the sailors," she
explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and every night
he came and screwed me."
"He sure did, lady," said the captain. "This is the
Staten Island Ferry."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Jet Fuel
A couple of drinkin buddies who are airplane mechanics
are in the hanger at JFK airport in New York; it's fogged
over and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything
to drink?" The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you
can drink jet fuel and that will give you a buzz." So
they decide to try the jet fuel, they get trashed and
have a good old time like only drinkin buddies can do.
The following morning one of them wakes up and is afraid
to sit up for fear his head will explode from the awful
hangover he's going to have. He gets up and feels good,
in fact he feels GREAT! NO HANGOVER!
The phone rings and it's his buddy. The buddy says,
"Hey how are you feeling this morning? I'm actually
feeling really good!" The buddy says, "Me too! I feel
great! Man that jet fuel is great stuff! No hangover...we
ought to do this more often!"
"Yeah, we could but there's just one thing...." "What's
that?" "Did you fart yet?" "No...Why?" "Well, DON'T,
'cause I'm in PHOENIX!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He
stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He
noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told
the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. ("The Horizontal Disco")
Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and
he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor
asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.
The old man said, "Yes!"
The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she
lived.
"Sure, why?"
"Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the
pig farmer, he asked for a 25 pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail
in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city
slicker that the pig was too heavy - it was 30 pounds.
The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe that was the way to
weigh pigs.
The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put
the pig's tail in his mouth,
bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds.
The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The
farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh
the pig.
The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out telling the
father that the mother was busy weighing the mailman.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Two Tigers!
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are
stalking through the brush when the one to the rear
reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger
in front.
The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it
out, already." The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they
continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again
reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger
in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear
tiger and says, "I said stop it!." The rear tiger says,
"sorry," and they continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more
licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns
around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you,
anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm
trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Redneck
The farmer found his son behind the barn pulling his pud. The old
man exclaims, "Son, if you are old enough to do that, then you are old
enough to get married.
The next day the farmer takes his son across the hollow and arranges a
wedding between his boy and the neighbor's daughter. The two are soon
married and move in with the groom's father.
The next morning, the farmer father comes behind the barn and
discovers his son flailing away, just as before.
"Son, I got you married so you wouldn't have to do that anymore.
"Ah, pa, but she just ain't got no kinda grip at all!!!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
How to Cure a Headache
A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After
trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by
his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he
replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across
my scalp and..".
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind
the left ear".
"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I
myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is
caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every
day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her
legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the
tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and
let me know how it goes".
Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" the
doctor asked.
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I
started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you
have a lovely home."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Cold Hands
From: "Oracle Service Humor Mailing List" ( geocities.com/soho/lofts) ( geocities.com/soho)