This question came up recently in a chat. We were talking about pro subbing (purely hypothetically--of course, none of us had ever done this), and this led to the issue of the glut of male submissives as compared with female dominants. Someone observed that while there might be too many male subs, there weren't too many good male subs.
So, what does make a good sub? And I mean really--not according to some professional domme's web site ("docile and generous," wink wink)--but according to the non-professional domme at large, the kind that many subs claim they really want. Assuming that's what they want because they want sincerity and not because they're looking for a free session, what qualities go into enjoyable submission, the kind that makes a sub stand out to a domme?
I tossed out some words in the chat session and tried to explain why I thought they captured what many non-pros had said in public forums and private conversation, combined with my less extensive personal experience. I originally meant to call this "What Makes a Good Sub," but in retrospect, I thought that was too much of a judgment call. In contrast, being an attractive sub is more empirical--either you've had success in hooking up with non-pro dommes, or you haven't. And if you haven't, it might be because you just haven't found the right woman, but it might also be because you aren't exhibiting the magic combination of qualities. This list is intentionally not what many people might expect to see; I have the impression that most subs think of loyalty, and obedience, and things like that. While those might be popular fantasy attributes, it doesn't seem to me that many actual dommes rate them that highly. Here, on the other hand, are things that do seem to come up:
Expressiveness. Despite popular femdom literature, few dommes seem to like a sub who just sits there, taking punishment like a fence post. They whip, or they bind, or whatever they do, for a reason: to see the sub react. Fear? Defiance? Betrayal? Confusion? There are few bad reactions other than no reaction.
One is outright pleasure: This isn't supposed to be fun for the sub, fercrissakes. Yes, we all know that he enjoys it on some level, but for all concerned it would be better not to overstrain the domme's suspension of disbelief. It doesn't feel like sadism if the sub acts as if it's manna from heaven.
Intuition. Can a sub get into a domme's head and guess where she's going? Few things can destroy the magic more readily than the domme having to spell things out to her partner. It's like having to tell a man to buy you flowers (or whatever). That's one reason why I think pro subbing is so hard--in part, it's because intuition is deep knowledge, and how can you possibly know someone that deeply whom you've just met?
Empathy. This is closely related, but what I mean here is the ability of the sub to see himself as the domme sees him. And many times it's not so much a matter of "can't" as "won't": The sub is so lost in the scenario and the sensations that he forgets he's looking silly, or overeager, or whatever it is that will destroy the scene for the domme. Dominance is so foreign to many subs that the thought of putting themselves in her shoes, even for a moment, is repugnant, but maybe they should overcome that.
Integrity. What I mean here is not that the sub shouldn't lie and cheat and say he's not married when he is, and so forth--although he shouldn't do those things, of course--but rather, that he must take care that he is not deluding himself. Is he really doing the things that please her, or those things that he thinks ought to please her? (Based, say, on his personal conceptions of female dominants.) And it's so easy, so seductive to fall into this trap, that one really has to bend over backwards to avoid it. (I know--from personal experience.)
Attention. Meaning, be on your toes. As in all things, few things are as insulting as an impression of inattentiveness. It seems to be an easy thing for subs to do to start listening only for barked orders and discard everything else. Sometimes, when she says, "I'm feeling restless," she's not just telling you that just to say it, sometimes there's a reason, and not just to entertain you.
Patience. A good sub pays attention to signals the domme gives (see Attention). There may be times, however, when she isn't giving those signals. Is she losing interest in the scene? Maybe, maybe not. Sometimes a wait-and-see attitude can help. I remember times when I thought we were done; we weren't, she was just building up tension. It actually worked without my realizing it until we returned to the action. At these times, the worst thing to do might be to say, "I guess we're done, huh?"
Creativity. What are those things that stick in our minds the most? Aren't they surprises--those times when our partner astonishes us with his or her creativity? Sometimes it makes me think, "Wow, what a genius!" Can he come up with stuff that, not only did he never think of it before, but she never thought of it before. And yet it works, and it works even better because she never thought of it that way.
Perspective. Some subs never realize that 24/7 is a lie. Can it possibly be a coincidence that professional dommes, those women whose sincerity they impugn, are the only ones espousing this particular style? Of course, it's never true that there's literally no one who does any particular thing, but the woman who wants to dominate her partner to the last breath of every day is as close to nonexistent as you can get. There always has to be an "outside the game"; otherwise, both parties will tire of it--but probably the domme first.
Another aspect of this is timing. These desires can't be predicted, and they can be scheduled only tentatively. And no matter how deeply in love two people are, there are going to be times when desires don't match. If you can't maintain a sense of perspective at these times, life is going to be hard. There will be cajoling, wheedling, coercing, but if there's anything worse than a mercy fuck, this is a good way to find out.
That's it. There's probably more that I could write, but then the list would lose its punch, and in any case I think it would be rare that a sub would score high on this list and yet fail to satisfy. And besides, I think the list is notable for what it doesn't contain as much as for what it does. It does not contain:
Selflessness. At least, not to the point of lack of self-respect. One of the myths of submission is that she wants you no longer to be your own person. Not only is this bullshit, but even the most abasing slave can't live this lie for very long. At some point, they will rail, "I can't take this anymore!" and things will end there. Not surprisingly, this myth lives on most persistently in those who have never submitted in real life, at all.
Capacity for pain. It's probably rather safe to say that if it can be objectively quantified, it generally doesn't matter. Does it matter how many strokes of the whip you can take, how big a strap-on you can suck, how many quarts of enema you can handle? A sub once bragged that he could take more canings than any other. Did he really think that dommes shared notes, comparing canings like potential world records? Perhaps somewhere there are dommes like that, but I've never heard of them.
Eagerness. If a sub has ever had to say, in protest, "But I just want to please you!" then that should sum up why this is not necessarily a good thing.
Obedience. I've mentioned this one previously, and the reason it's not high on the list is, well, blind obedience is kind of dumb. And outside of pro dommes, no one really wants to dominate a stupid person. Sure, it makes sense that if you're in desperate straits, you'll say things like "I'll do anything you want!" but if all it takes to make you that desperate is for some woman to don a leather suit, what does that say about the woman (versus her leather suit)?
I have to emphasize--these are my opinions. That should be obvious, but the last thing that I want is for this to sound like it's some authoritative litany coming down from on high. My opinions do take into account the thoughts of some non-pros (some more than others, of course), but no one should accept them on blind faith. If someone doesn't really believe a set of rules, I find more often than not, they only go through the motions of following them, and no one is helped by that.
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