Sexy, saucy and sensational -- Spice Girls took America by storm yesterday with an electrifying show seen by millions on coast-to-coast TV [just as a note, SNL is seen by millions every week, so this is nowt new].
All five pop babes put on the greatest performance of their lives [this was the greatest performance of their lives? Hrrrm] to end months of sneering from Oasis rival Noel Gallagher and others that they couldn't cut it live [yes, I'm sure Our Kid is quaking in his boots after this performance].
The girls shut up their critcs up by belting out their biggest hits on the top-rated show Saturday Night Live, screened from the NBC studios in Manhattan. It is reckoned that each minute of their 10-minute spectacular will earn them an extra £2 million in record sales - a staggering total of £20 million [I'm interested in finding out how they figured that one].
Their show-stopping performance [in this case, show-stopping wasn't a good thing] also won them the title of the world's biggest girl band.
In the past they have always performed to backing tapes for public appearances.
Now, at last, they have proved they can perform their incredible dance routines while belting out their songs live. A defiant two-fingered peace salute from Geri Halliwell rammed home to the American audience the message that here was a group who not only had Girl Power but staying power, too [for those of you who didn't see this (I had the misfortune of being on holiday then, and seeing it), Spice Girls' performances were greeted with stunned silence from the crowd and nasty, horrid, searing reviews for the next week. Real staying power].
The girls shared the stage with Hollywood mega-stars Rob Lowe [Rob Lowe is a mega-star?], who presented the show, Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci.
Baby Spice Emma admitted afterwards: "It was so scary, such a big challenge. We started off a little nervously but then suddendly I think we all got into our stride.
"We have always been sure of our own talent but now that we've proved it live we are more confident than ever. We all had a great buzz doing the show."
Leggy Posh Spice Victoria Adams [aka fucking stupid Slut Spice], 23, stole the show with her sexy dancing [and exceedingly shite singing] after forgetting to put her tights on [oh I'm so sure. 'Ooh, I forgot me tights! Ooh!']. Emma, 21, played out her baby-doll routine in a pink flowery dress that matched her slightly blushing cheeks.
Geri, 24, in a powerful white designer dress with the slogans Girl Power, Geri and Female [just in case you couldn't figure out that the cow on stage was actually a female human being] emblazoned across her front, played out her queen bitch role as she glared into the cameras, only to show it was her idea of a joke by winking saucily [this sentence is proof that Linda Duff is, in fact, a mentally retarded five year old. Queen bitch?].
Mel B, 22, rapped ferociously as she stalked around in a khaki bra top which left little to the imagination. But it was shy Spice Mel C, 23, who really shone.
She is the secret musical talent behind the group, taking over on lead vocals and providing the soaring harmonies that make their records work. The timid Scouser, who is sometimes overshadowed by the other girls' overpowering personalities, says: "When I'm on stage something takes over me which I suppose must help me perform.
"When I'm up there I don't feel like I'm shy Melanie any more."
America has not seen anything like the in-your-face Spice Girls [yes they have, it was called New Kids on the Block], who were discovered by the Daily Star a full five months before they released their massive chart topper "Wannabe" [okay. This is all Daily Star's fault].
The group have made the record books by notching up four Number 1 singles in a row.
Their U.S. success, however, is the key to extra millions, following their brilliant performance [everyone, read that sentance again. It doesn't make sense. It is an incomplete sentance. Daily Star journalists: the arbiters of good journalism in the UK].
They now plan to follow up their NBC spectacular with new tracks that should take them to Number 1 in every country around the world.
Also lined up is a Spice Girls movie, which could gross them more than £100 million [what an ambigious statement. It could gross less than £2 million too], plus a year-long world tour pencilled in to kick off next Feburary.
Says Emma: "We know it can't last forever, but while it does we intend to have the biggest party of our lives."
How they rated on coast-to-coast TV:
Victoria's smouldering looks had male viewers gagging for more [My dad's opinion: 'She's got nasty skin, doesn't she? Eew.' My then-boyfriend's opinion: 'She keeps doing the same exact dance. I don't like her a bit.' Yes, they were definately gagging for it there]. Posh Spice wore a designer black mini cocktail dress as she shared lead vocals on both songs [this is untrue. During "Wannabe", Victoria didn't even sing during the choruses, and only sang a thankfully short bit during "Say You'll Be There"] and showed that she was the group's glamour girl.
Linda's rating: 9/10 [Linda is an arse]
Geri knows just how to turn it on when the camera zooms in. Her vocals on "Wannabe" were also bang on target [bang on target has become code for very naff, apparently] as the flame-haired temptress strutted across the stage, allowing viewers naughty glimpses of her thighs [this is new?].
Linda's rating: 9/10 [Linda is an arse]
Mel B came across as a clued-up, street cred rapper with attitude [she came across as a trashy British mulatto idiot. I'm pretty sure Warren G and Ice T were not worried], especially as she stomped to the beat in the first song, "Wannabe". Her powerful voice added to the blistering romp the girls were having on the stage.
Linda's rating: 9/10 [Linda is an arse]
Emma clearly has the next best voice of the group. Her pacy vocal in "Wannabe" kept the number totally alive [Emma's vocal, like the whole song, was pathetically slowed down to allow the Girls to both sing and dance at once]. She was a wow in her babydoll pink outfit, melting hearts with just one bashful look into the cameras [my sister's opinion: 'She looks kinda heavy, doesn't she?'].
Linda's rating: 10/10 [Linda is an arse]
Mel C has the best voice in the group [no shit] and gave a knockout performance on US-wide TV [compared to the rest of the groop this is true. Compared to, say, a drunk gibbon, this is not]. Not only did she provide spot-on harmonies, but also amazed viewers with a wild dance routine, including backflips [ooh, fucking surprising: Melanie C is doing a backflip! No, seriously! Sit down, I know it's a bit of a shock...].
Linda's rating: 11/10 [Linda is an...oh, you know already, nevermind]
