Dark Thoughts

      

Monday April 28,1997- To any who actually read this(which is prolly no one) I shall explain what has been going on. A rather idiotic friend of mine was thinking with his dick and decided to go home with a female and got in the back of a pickup. This pickup ran a red light and broadsided a Mercades. The pickup fliped several times, ejecting the 3 people in the back out. So I spent several days visiting said friend in the hospital and telling how stupid he was for this incident. Anywho I really don't have any great rant in mind for tonight but, then agian I never really do. They just seem to pop into my head. Has anyone ever noticed how great the concept Malkavian truely is? I mean I have already stated that free thought and intelligence lead to insanity and that reality is nothing more than a group of people (like a society) getting together and imposing rules onto chaos. Now many of you are wondering what the hell I'm talking about, so I urge you to go pick up a copy of the malkavian handbook and read it for yourself. Now I am not one who has taken Vampire the Masquerade to far. I simply feel the concepts behind the malkavian clan are very enlightening and quite useful from a philosophical point of view.

Monday April, 6, 1997- Ok, well I am going thru a bit of depression so this is going to be strange. My goal in life is to cause people to think. To just open their minds(even if for a second) and realize that life is more than than a job. More than creature comforts. That one HAS to look past the judeo-christian view point and open their eyes to the possibilities!!!!!. Unfortunately this is a rather frustrating goal. As you can well imagine, the path is littered with negativity from most people. All I usually here is that I am derrange. And of course there is my own self-doubt. Am I really doing what I think is best, wouldn't it be so much easier to lie down and follow what they say? Or just blow my head off and be done with it? Well quiting is not something I do well. I may go through times where I wonder but I always come back and fight all the harder. But know I realize something. Revolutionaries come up with ideals, but yet the very creation of those ideals leads to their corruption. Some one asked me what power I had, how could I speak and people would listen and think for even just a second. Then I realized that even if I had the power to change things, to open up people's minds, I wouldn't want it. I would become what I loath. If I made everyone a "free-thinker" then I would be taking away their freedom of choice. So now what? I refuse to stop trying to open people's minds, but they do have the right to be ignorant and apathetic, now I can see why the intelligent and idealistic are not in power. For they see the problem from all sides, and realize that to be in control and try to change things, they would be no better than those they loath. It is very strange to be sitting here and realizing this. But I have to believe that this would be a better place if even only a few would open their minds. If you actually read this please E-Mail me and let me know your views, right now I think I just need to here others thoughts on this subject, even though most are prolly going to disagree with me.

Tuesday April 1, 1997- Well once again I sit before my computer screen wondering where todays thoughts will take me. Ok let's see, what shall I ramble about today? How about suicide? Have you ever sat with the gun in your mouth and the hammer cocked back, but couldn't pull the trigger? Not from any fear of going to hell or of what lies beyond, but simply because your afraid you might mis something? Afraid that maybe you will actually open someones mind or say something that causes someone to actually think for once. Then you start to think and you realize that maybe you have maid a difference in this world. Not in any grand way, but maybe by causing that person to think you caused them to suddenly stop and question one thing, then that leads to questioning another and suddenly that person is no longer a mindless automaton but a real live intelligent person who questions what they are told and no longer blindly follows the moral majority. Yes I realize that this sounds rather strange but it is my goal in life. To cause people to think, to stop and question what they are told. These things lead to open mindedness. Of course they also lead to insanity but, I believe that insanity is a path to enlightenment so that is a good thing. Always question what people tell you is truth and always question what you believe. If your truths and beliefs can stand up to your questions then they are right for you.

Saturday March 30.1997- Hatred, animosity, greed. The symbols this country was founded on. But yet we also have freedom. Is this what freedom really means? Is it the right to be an asshole or a money grubbing bastatard. Do we really have a right to take money from the rich and give it to the poor. If we do this does it make us as bad as the catholic church, which has damned people for not paying tithes, or the kings of old taking all the peasants had? Some would call this progress. Is it really? I think that something has to be done but everytime I think I have an answer I look at the problem from a different perspective and I find more problems that my answer does not solve. At times like these lyrics from Bad Religion come screaming back to mind "I seek a thousand answers, I find but one or two." reminding me that nothing is simple. There are no great answers to the questions this world faces. So what do we do? To continue on this path is certain to lead to doom. Society is stagnating and entrophy is seting in. It is time for a new age. But, what will this age be? Will it be Crowley's new Aeon or will it be the Church of Satan's Age of Fire or will be something that no one is expecting? (A brief side note for those not familiar with the Church of Satan or the band the electric Hellfire Club. The Age of Fire will be the downfall of the Christian churches, the demise of the Judeo-Christian belief system. It will be an age of man. All will be Responcible for themselves. Humanism will be the law of the land.) Or will we all be destroyed because of our inability to change?

Friday March 29,1997: Insanity. What is insanity? Is not insanity enlightenment? Think about it, people who do not follow or believe the accepted standards and truths are considered insane. But, if one decides to make up one's own truths and standards of right and wrong wouldn't that mean that they are mearly breaking away from the accepted reality of our age? Who defines reality? Society does. So who says that what "THEY" have defined as reality and "truth" is the only answer? Let's face it folks the accepted standard of society is to be a slave to the system. Is this what life should be about? I don't think so. What is the point of going thru life mearly to accumulate the most toys? And why should their be a set truth anyway? "Truth" is an abstract concept their can be no set "truth". It varies to much from person to person, based on their life expirences. So why should someome be an outcast for subscribing to a different reality? Should they not be praised for not blindly following the majority. But alas, the judeo-christian belief system that controls almost every aspect of our lives does not allow idependant thought.

Thursday March 27,1997: It seems that those with value systems not consistant with the accepted society standards(ie: not based on material wealth)usually have a better concept of what is going on. If one isn't worried about material wealth, then one has more time to think, and realize that the world is getting fucked by a belief system that allows it's followers to do anything they like and it doesn't matter because all that matters is the afterlife. And, all one has to do for that is to ask for forgiveness from some diety and all is well. Shouldn't people take responcibilty for there own actions?

Tuesday March 25,1997: Have you ever noticed how pointless it sometimes seems to go against the grain? I mean I've spent the last 10 years of my life fighting against what society calls normal(or acceptable), but yet as I am looking for a job I find that no one will hire me because of my appearance(no matter my qualificatioms). Although this should reafirm my beliefs, it is disheartening, I need to eat and pay rent(and all that other shit that always seems to get in the way of having fun), but I rufuse to join the mindless automatons, who go to work everyday, come home, sleep, wake, go back to work, and never realize that they are wasting their existance.

            

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