I think loving someone you can't have is a wierd form of projection, especially for depressives, like myself, and people who don't know or don't want to admit what's wrong in their lives. You find someone who you think would be the solution to everything-- "Oh, if I only had this person, I would be happy again"-- even though you know they are inaccessible to you. So then you refocus your depression on the fact that they are inaccessible to you, so you have something if not concrete, at least definable, that is wrong. There's no longer that... vaccuum. Or rather, the vaccuum is still there, but now you have a hose: loneliness. Although that loneliness usually is more an effect than a cause of depression. I know that's how it is with me. With every passing second the desire for everyone in my life to just leave me the fuck alone grows exponentially, but I'm still lonely. I still sneer bitterly at happy couples walking hand-and-hand down the hall, or hugging, or kissing. Kissing is the worst. Gods, I hate love.
This guy in my Civics class just got dumped by his girlfriend of a year. I can only imagine how much that must hurt. He had such a short fuse today; he was snappy, snitty, talking about how much hated women and how he wanted to kill them all. She hurt him bad. Hearing him ramble called once more to the surface how much I miss having a boyfriend. I mentioned it to Pam and she said Brandon & I should hook up. Yeah, right. If she saw how he hangs all over Jen then she'd know he'd never go for a girl like me. Not that he's any huge catch. But Pat... *sighs* Susan is a lucky girl.
I just realized I'm talking about these people who you have no idea about. I apologize.
Pat is short, pudgy, not particularly "hot" (gods, i hate that word) but one of the sweetest guys I know. He's one of the few people in the junior class with a shred of independent thought in his head... Which is probably what attracts me to him so much. And also possibly the fact that he has a girlfriend. Although I think I'd be just as reluctant to say anything even if he didn't. I'm just like that I guess. All talk and no action... "Wish i could be more like the ocean." If only.
I'm gonna shut up now. All this rambling about loneliness and romance isn't going to help my quickly dwindling will to live. Wish me luck.

"Sex is violent"

Sunday, February 28th, 1999

Man. God, I really hate my life. My parents said they'd check into private school but I don't know if that would help. I don't want private school. I'd thought about boarding school, and the foreign-exchange-student thing, but I don't really want that either. I want to be eighteen is what I want. And unfortunately that ain't happenning for another couple of years, so... *sighs* God, I hate my life. It's really unbelievably that I'm still alive today. I think I've finally gotten over my self-loathing but now I'm stuck with nothing to do with it... I mean, it was different when my parents were gone. It's like I got a little taste of independence and now I want more. I have no job. I have a car, but I have no license. School is so mundane it's pathetic. It's fucking mind-numbing is what it is. And there's nothing I can do about it. At first, when I felt like I was really in love with Michael, that seemed like enough, y'know? But then I had to go and watch that damn movie...

Friday, December 25th, 1998

I wanted to write a poem but I don’t really know what to write. I’ve found that to be quite a problem lately. And to think I thought myself a poet. I’m such a liar. I lie to myself and everyone. I cling to words and yet they have no meaning. I cling to beauty and yet I do not possess it. I pray in desperation and yet I profane divinity in pride. I don’t even believe in divinity. Wait, see, there’s another lie. I do believe in divinity. Just not the Divine.
People say the world was created in seven days. I wonder how long it would take to destroy it.
Here I am, staring at a lifeless screen, typing away. My mind is racing; I think in fragments and run-ons with no punctuation. I stare at the fire-sky with hyphens in all the wrong places and all I can think is “beautiful”. But that’s not even the half of it. We are all energy; matter is energy and energy is time and we can only comprehend energy in bursts and concentrations... It does no good to study the enlightenment of others because we are only ourselves. You are only yourself. One is only oneself and no one will ever be any more. So what good is there in imitating another’s path to knowledge, to wisdom, to divinity? There is no good in it... “that is why i hate you”... because we are all only always alone. Always alone. Always.

I wish I could sleep. I don’t sleep enough these days. Mike says we spend most of our time as babies in an unconscious state and that it’s our natural mindset. I believe it. There’s nothing I want more sometimes than to just curl up in the ol’ reliable fetal position under a nice warm thermal blanket and sleep. Now that I got that dreamcatcher from David, I can sleep without nightmares. It’s really amazing, actually. Maybe if I sleep tonite I’ll be happy for a few hours. Maybe I’ll be able to forget my place for a while. Be free. I love you Mike. See you soon.

Friday, August 12, 1998 10:19 p.m.

To say these journal entries are few and far between would be an understatement, huh? Well, anyway... I've just relieved some tension that's been building for a long time... I hope things turn out for the best, but the cosmic dust has yet to settle... here's my two cents for the day.

"24 hours"
-the Sundays

few true cares have I
as the world turns round
I was blind but
now I'm still blind

too few cares have I
as the world turns sour
I was blind but
now I'm still blind

I liked you for 24 hours
in your house
& when the time has come to live again
I shall

& I liked you for 24 hours
in your house
& now the time has come to live again
I shall

I liked you but that was before
why me?
I never knew then
& I don't know now

all the things you do
all come back to you
that's why I hung back but
I'll say what I like now

"Don't speak to me about truth-- I know you're lying."

Friday, May 1st, 1998 7:20 p.m.

I LOVE THE DAVE MATTHEWS BAND. There's no two ways about it. They are the most awesome band on the planet. (And that's my two cents about music for today.)
I am SO tired right now. I have gotten maybe a total of 15 hours of sleep this week. I've been running myself ragged trying to get ready for this trip to Europe I'm taking in July. [sigh] I need to give myself a break!
More later... I swear!

"we search for absolutes where there are absolutely none"

Wednesday, February 25th, 1998 5:08 pm

My mouth hurts.
That's about the only thought that's paraded through my head all day. I went to the orthodontist yesterday and they put ten million spacers between my teeth. And since they move ALL your teeth around, your ENTIRE jaw hurts when you get these things. I hate having braces. I have my third-to-last appointment next Wednesday, and I should be getting these horrible things off within six months... sigh... My head hurts... I can't even think straight... Ugh!!!
Rediscovered my love for Jane's Addiction today listening to "Nothing's Shocking"- one of the absolute best rock albums from the last, say, fifteen years. Perry Farrell is simply insane- there's no other way to describe it. Definitely somebody I'd like to meet someday. Him and Dave Navarro. But you don't even wanna get me started on Dave Navarro....
Please hold while I escape to a daydream for a few moments...
Okay, I'm back. Anyway, just wanted to say that my friend Lisa's got a page up now. It's not anywhere close to being done, but when it is, I'll put a proper link up on my page. [Maybe by then, I'll be printing more worthwhile.] If you want to check it out, she's at /Area51/Labyrinth/5437/ , so, y'know... anyway...
"The news is/ Just another show/ With sex and violence... Nothing's shocking..." -"Ted, Just Admit It"
-deneys

"ocean size"
©1988 Jane's Addiction

wish i was ocean size
they cannot move you
no one tries
no one pulls you
out from your hole
like a tooth aching a jawbone

i was made with a heart of stone
to be broken
with one hard blow
i've seen the ocean
break on the shore
come together with no harm done

it ain't easy living...

i want to be
as deep as the ocean
mother ocean

some people tell me
home is in the sky
in the sky lives a spy
i want to be more like the ocean
no talk & all action
no talking, all action...