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DOW DROPS BELOW ZERO; CLINTON CONTINUES VACATION

The Vanity Post-Gazette (Humor)
8/31/98 IowaHawk

SELLOFF CONTINUES AS DOW DROPS BELOW ZERO
From The Free Republic

By IowaHawk, FR financial correspondent

NEW YORK (APUPI) The correction in financial markets continued today, as the Dow Jones Industrial Average index plunged 145.23 points to -4.25. It was the 14th largest point drop in history, and the closing set a new record, surpassing the previous low of 0.00, set on September 27, 1764. The technology-heavy NASDAQ exchange continued in negative territory, dropping 35.07 points to -134.12.

In the NYSE, losing issues outpaced gainers 2437 to 12. The largest declines were General Motors, down 23, Microsoft, down 19, and Wacky Goodtimes Funco, down 46.

The market news was not uniformly bad, however. Solid gains were posted by Firewood Industries, up 2, Amalgamated Animal Hides, up 1 3/8, and Survival Technologies, up 3. KevorCo, a promising suicide services firm, raised $23M in an IPO.

Barry Sonnenfeld of KPMG noted that, "the market decline means a great opportunity for bargain hunters. For instance, fully three-fourths of stock issues are priced below zero. That means that other investors will actually pay you to take their stock. Me for instance. Take my stock. Please." He then leapt 47 stories to his doom.

Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan, reached in Flat Rock, NV, commented that "inflation seems to be under control, but we remain vigilant of dispeptic discrepancies for innumerant eventualities."

Added Greenspan, "the purple rooster flies at midnight."

He then continued working on what appeared to be a makeshift bomb shelter.

Speaking from a remote Himalayan village, Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin was non-plussed by the latest round of market losses. "Don't you get it, man? Don't you get it? I mean, my hands, man! Look at the trails," he said, waving his hands in front of his face. He then rubbed gravel into his hair and began laughing uncontrollably.

"I am so fucking beautiful, man," he noted.

Presidential economic advisor Gene Sperling chose to look on the bright side. "The NASDAQ dropped by 35 points, on a basis of negative 100 points. That's a percentage drop of 35 divided by negative 100, or a negative drop of 35%. A negative drop is a rise. Therefore, the market rose by 35%."

Vacationing with his family and three prostitutes in Potemkin's Vineyard, Massachusetts, President Clinton did not immediately comment on the latest market results. However, during a side trip to Che Guevara Preschool in nearby Nutsbury, the President outlined an ambitious new Federal program to give away Teletubbies plush dolls.

"This program will ensure that all American children, by age 4, will have access to Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa Laa and even Po," said the President. Upon prodding, the assembled toddlers hugged the President for the assembled photographers.

The President then led a motorcade through the streets of Nutsbury. Because of security concerns, the wild cheers of adoring citizens were pumped in over loudspeakers.

Despite the market jitters, the President is expected to travel tomorrow to North Korea for a summit with leader Kim Jong-Il. Administration spokesman Joe Lockhart described discussions with the North Koreans as "fruitful."

"In exchange for $120 billion in loan guarantees, Premier Kim has promised not to blow up Philadelphia," noted Lockhart.

Lockhart also announced that the President's itinerary will be expanded to Switzerland, where Clinton will meet privately with exiled Haitian ex-dictator Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier. This was heralded by Lockhart as an "exciting opportunity to exchange leadership ideas."

Many small investors were left reeling by the latest market news, but did not panic. Retiree Joe Forrester, 74, of Ocala, FL, is typical. "Although I lost my nest egg, President Clinton will be there to make sure my Social Security check arrives on time."

Added Forrester, "And my free Federal Viagra!"