Jealousy
She was in that bedroom again, the late spring sun shining through the window. It was almost time for first period to start at their high school. But there was so much blood. It was warm, sticky, had an odd smell to it somehow - coppery almost. She felt it ooze between her fingers, soak into her cloths, and with each movement, there seemed to be more, and more and more . . .
" Lora!" she begged, almost not able to hear herself, over the sound of her own heart pounding, strong, and healthy, unlike her friends, " Hold on honey . . . Please, just hold on a little bit longer."
She felt for a pulse again, and found one, but it was getting weaker, and weaker. She grabbed at one of she shirts on the bed, and added it to the pile of blood soaked rags that she'd been trying to stem the flow of blood with. The wound in Lora's chest made another sucking noise, raking her nerves raw. She looked down at her friends face, so pale. The raggedy breaths were coming slower and slower now, and she knew, for certain, that her friend was going to die. She heard the sirens off in the distance, and knew they would arrive to late.
" Why?" she whispered, " God damn it!"
She felt for a pulse, and felt one small beat, and then . . . nothing. It was too long, to far in between. No gasps for air, the blood wasn't flowing as strong now . . .
" NO!" she yelled, shaking Lora, " NO!"
Then, the room was dark, and her hands were clean - clean of blood that is, for the moment. She was moving quietly through the house, moving into his bedroom, and raising the gun, aiming it . . . . BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
She emptied all 17 rounds, and stepped forward, watching the blood soak the bed sheets, pool around him, just like Lora's . . . . and when she looked up at the face, his face, it wasn't him - it was Lora.
" NO!" Alexandra yelled, and sat up, drenched in a cold sweat, and she looked at her hands. No blood. The bed sheets weren't stained red. There was no coppery smell, and her fingers didn't stick together from plasma desperately trying to do it's job.
It was the same nightmare. She'd been having it since she'd killed him. It started and ended the same way. She was holding onto Lora, begged her to hold on, and Lora would die, and then Alexandra was executing Jose - and when he'd emptied her last round into him, she looked up at his face, hoping to see agony, at least some sliver of the pain he'd caused her closest friend. But instead, it was Lora's face, because Alexandra hadn't seen what was right in front of her face for over two years . . .
She felt tears build up in her eye's, but she forced them back. She wasn't entitled to cry, not any more, not ever again. She should have seen the signs, should have pressed Lora harder when she knew something wasn't quite right, if she could have caught it early enough, maybe, just maybe, she'd be alive today.
" Who's in the simulator at this ungodly hour?" Nikita asked, walking over to where Walter stood, watching the scores, monitoring the laser hits.
She'd just gotten back from a mission. She had to drop off her gear, and report for debriefing, and then she'd head home, she might get to bed by 6am, if she was lucky.
Walter looked over at her, " How was the mission Sugar?"
" Fine," she said, " We got the bad guys."
She looked over his shoulder, " Alex?"
Walter nodded, " Said she had some tension to burn off - she's on level nine - and I'm starting to worry, she'd taken a lot of hits."
" Nine?! Yeah she'd taking a lot of hits!" Nikita said, " I do level Nine, and not well. What the hell is she trying to prove."
" I don't think she's proving anything," Walter told her, " She's chasing demons is what she's doing. This isn't the first time I've loaded this sequence for her in the wee hours. I know Michael has done it a couple times too."
Nikita looked over at Michael, who had just approached the computer station, " She's improving."
Nikita looked at him like he'd grown a second head, " Why didn't you tell me?"
Michael looked at her, " Something's are better worked out alone Nikita."
" Stop!" came a yell, through the intercom system, and Walter canceled the sequence. She fell her to knee's, wiped at the sweat on her face and neck, and rested, gasping for air for a few moments.
" You're best score yet," Walter said, keying the mike, " you OK down there?"
She nodded, and gasped out " I'll . . . be . . . out in . . . a few. . . minutes."
Michael's hand suddenly reached over then turned the monitor to a different part of section, and when Nikita looked over at him in surprise, she saw Madeline approaching them.
" Nikita, Michael, we need you both for debriefing," Madeline said, and looked at Walter, and the simulation computer.
" I was testing something, and I wanted to get Necktie's take on it," Walter said, and nodded towards Michael, " And you know Michael, where Nikita goes, he will follow."
Nikita gave a loud, " Hah!"
Michael maintained his emotionless expression, " Everything went as planned."
Madeline turned, and started towards her office, obviously expecting them to follow.
Nikita turned to Walter, and mouthed, 'get her out of there,' and looked meaningfully at Madelines retreating back.
Walter quickly checked in the weapons as they arrived, and when they were all in, he pulled down the metal gate, and headed towards the simulator room, looking over towards Madelines office as he passed by.
She was sitting on the bench, her legs stretched out, resting when he got there. She had on one of the spandex outfits Nikita had got for her, when she'd finished her training, and she'd pulled off the tracker, the laser gun sitting on the bench next to her.
" You doing OK?" Walter asked her, handing her the bottle of water that sat on the table.
She nodded, " yeah, I'm fine."
" Red, people who are fine don't ask me to load up level nine at 3:00am," Walter told her, " What ever demons you're trying to kill, don't enact your revenge on them when Madeline is waiting for a team to get back. She won't let it go."
Alexandra nodded, and stood up, " It's the Ghosts."
" Ghosts?" he asked, " You take one to many shots in there red?"
She managed a smile, " There are no demons, just an old Ghost."
Darren was about to knock on Michael's office door, when he heard Nikita's voice, Nikita's angry voice.
" I don't care what you're working on!" she said angrily, " She's my material - I should know what is going on damnit!"
" Nikita," he said, " Not every wound can be healed with confession to a friend."
" You wouldn't know that," Nikita snapped back at him, " You're encouraging her to bottle it all up, just like you do - and while you may be the perfect little operative for Section - you - and she - will end up dieing inside if you keep this up."
" This isn't about me," Michael said.
" Yes, it is!" Nikita spat out, " It's about you shutting me out, again. I should have expected it! You haven't had a chance to go fuck some strange woman on a mission in a couple months, so you start seeing me outside section - and now that you're back in the saddle seducing women for section you don't need me anymore!"
Darren stepped back from the door, and knew he'd heard to much. Way to much. He'd been right, there were - or had been, more than friends. He turned, and started to walk down the hall, and quickened his pace. He didn't want to be in the hall at all when that door opened.
He wasn't fast enough. He heard the door hit the wall, and couldn't help but look, and saw Nikita stride out, and Michael a step behind her, and grab for her arm.
She twisted her arm around, breaking the hold, and kept going, heading for the door out. Darren watched her walk passed him, and looked at Michael, who watched her go, and then looked at Darren.
" I was gonna ask if you'd spar with me, but I don't think I want to anymore," Darren said, and cracked a grin, " at least, not anytime soon."
Michael had on his blank emotionless expression, and looked at Darren for a moment, and then walked back into his office. Darren had made a good decision. Michael might very well kill anyone who spared with him right now.
He closed the door, and sat down behind his desk. Closing his eye's, he massaged his temples with his finger tips, and tried to block out the words he'd just heard. They'd sliced through him like a knife, cutting straight through to his heart.
It was true, that he hadn't seduced a women for Section in months, and he'd been glad for it. It was become easy for so long, to easy. He hadn't actually made love in years, until that first night with Nikita a little over a year ago - and since then, being with another woman felt like he was committing the ultimate sin. He almost couldn't do it. He'd had to think of her, pretend it was Nikita, otherwise, he wouldn't have been able to perform at all.
He hadn't wanted to be on that mission. Didn't want her to hear, to listen in on what he was doing. It has been a week ago, and he hadn't gone to Necktie's apartment since then, hadn't invited her to his for the night since then. He could understand why she was pissed, but he felt guilty, returning to her bed, knowing he'd been in someone else's.
What the hell is wrong with you? It was an assignment, nothing more, she knows that . . . so why do you go insane with jealousy when you see her with another man - even Darren, who obviously has eye's for only one woman?
But in that next moment, when he heard her talking with Darren, he felt the most intense jealousy, despite what his brain knew.
Nikita stopped and turned around, and headed back towards the hall, " Darren!" she called.
Darren had just been pulling his hair out of the rubber band, " I don't want to spar with you either 'kita, I want to practice, not fight for my life."
The blonde rolled her eye's, " Me? I'm harmless Darren, really!"
They both laughed at the joke, since they both knew she was anything but harmless.
" Where can I find Alex?" Nikita asked him.
Darren frowned, " I'd try at home first I guess - she wasn't in the gym earlier."
Nikita shook her head, " Nope, I called her apartment a little while ago. Can you think of any place she'd go?"
Darren looked at the rubber band in his hand, and wondered if he should tell her. He'd been lucky here, and he knew it. But he had eye's to see the manipulations going on around him, and though he trusted Nikita not to play head games with him, he knew her heart got in her way sometimes, just like his. But if he didn't tell her, she'd probably beat the hell out of him right now. The worst she'd do to Alexandra was irritate her, if Alexandra was even there
" There's a catholic church on 44th, and sometimes, when she needs to think, she sits on the park bench across the street and stares at the church," Darren said quietly, " But if that is where she is, you might as well be talking to a brick wall."
" I love brick walls," Nikita said, and turned for the door again, " I've been fighting one of them for years."
The old catholic church was built out of stone, and all the windows were stained glass. The morning sun glittered on the glass, and Alexandra was sure that inside, the main chapel would be bathed in colored light. But she wasn't certain. She'd never gone inside. She couldn't, not now.
" It's a beautiful building," Nikita said, walking up to the park bench.
Alexandra looked over at the blonde, and knew immediately how she'd found her. Darren was the only person who knew she came here, unless section was tracking her, which would not surprise her.
" How did the job go?" Alexandra asked her.
" Well enough - by section standards, it went off without a hitch," Nikita told her.
Alexandra smiled, " I hear a 'but' in there."
" No buts, we got the bad guys, we won again," Nikita told her . . . but Michael and I are out of synque . . .
The redhead raised an eyebrow, " Nikita, you and Darren are shitty liars when you have to lie to people you care about, and god knows why I ended up being one of those people."
" I wanted to talk about your three am visits to the sims," Nikita said, ignoring her last statement.
" Ok, we'll change the subject for a while, I couldn't sleep."
" I've been told that you're not sleeping a lot lately," Nikita answered, looking over the rims of her sunglasses.
Alexandra had on a pair that Nikita had given her, when she'd first taken her out of Section, to her apartment. She kept them up, hid behind them, and just looked at Nikita for a moment through them, " I have nightmares sometimes - and it's just not worth trying to go back to sleep after them sometimes - so I don't."
Nikita nodded, thinking about Michael and his nightmares. He didn't have them as often now - not when he slept with her. She half hoped the man wouldn't have a peaceful nights sleep again.
" Do you know what's bringing them on?" Nikita asked her.
The redhead sighed, " It's on old re - occurring thing Nikita, just something I will have to deal with - it's about the murder I committed - that earned my place in Section."
Nikita nodded slowly, " I thought you felt what you did was justified."
Alexandra nodded, " I don't feel any regrets for what I did to Jose - you know the reason I killed him, right?"
Nikita nodded slowly, " Yes, He molested your best friend for over two years, and she killed herself, you feel he is responsible for her suicide."
Alexandra nodded, " He video taped it, the tape got out - in the nightmare, I'm back at the Reynolds, they are the foster family that took Lora in. It's the same as when I found her, she'll still alive, and she dies in my arms, I can't save her - then, I'm back in Florida - and I shoot Jose, and when I look at his face - it's not his face, it's Loras - I was killing Lora."
Nikita was silent for a moment, " Why do you think the dream is different, from what happened?"
Alexandra almost smiled. Nikita didn't have that slick smooth professional veneer to her speech, not like Madeline did, but what did have was the ability to get people to open up - and she didn't even know it, didn't know she was doing it half the time - and people trusted her. Alexandra trusted her.
" I should have seen all the warning signs, I should have pressed Lora harder - when I knew something wasn't quite right - I wrote it off as stress just building up. I knew Lora was always stressed because money was really tight at home - she worked to put food on the table for herself, and her sister," Alexandra told her, " I wonder, if I had caught on early enough - would she have not killed herself - If I'd not found that tape, and hadn't had it entered into evidence . . . one of the cadets got a copy somehow, had a private screening. The rumor was that Lora was enjoying it."
Nikita shook her head, " People can be so cruel - when I lived on the streets, people always assumed the worst - that I was a prostitute, that I stole money every chance I got."
Alexandra looked over at her, " You lived on the streets?"
Nikita nodded, " Yes, for over 4 years. My mother had this new boyfriend, and he didn't like me, so she kicked me out. I never looked back - I guess that say's something."
Alexandra digested this information, and kept looking at Nikita, " Can I ask . . . how you got here?"
Nikita actually smiled, " Plain old bad luck - I was going down this alley, looking for the box I usually slept in, and this guy was killing this cop, and I just stumbled right across them. He came at me, we struggled, more cops arrived, he ran, and I was standing there with a bloody knife. I was convicted and sentenced to life - and you know the rest I'm sure."
Alexandra's mouth fell open, " You didn't do it? You're innocent and your still here?!"
Nikita nodded, " No one believes me . . . I mean, I could almost see why too."
" Not even Michael?" Alexandra asked her.
Nikita drew in a breath, and held it, " Michael . . . I don't know what's in his head. I think he does believe me sometimes . . . but I've learned to kill her in section, there are times when I enjoyed it."
" Yeah - when people deserve it," Alexandra told her, " That's a little different than knifing a cop in an alley."
Nikita shrugged, and then looked at her, " Alex - I just noticed something - I compared you to Michael - the way he has that blank all business expression, like a machine - and here you are talking up a storm."
Alexandra laughed a little, " I'm not in Section One right now - and I'm willing to be an awful lot that you didn't track me down as my Section One trainer either."
Nikita laughed with her, and they both watched the people walking up and down the street.
" Then why do you treat Darren like he's Section One most of the time, He's the last person who would turn on you," Nikita asked her.
Alexandra drew and breath, and spoke, not realizing how much like Michael she sounded, " He gets attached - and I sometimes think that if he got too attached, and I get killed - and we both know it will eventually happen - what would it do to him?"
Nikita brushed her hair back from his face, " We're people Alex, even if section one wants us to be machines. You can't stop how someone else feels by shutting them out, and I know from experience, that if you do, they want in so much more, it makes it worse, for both of you - so unless you genuinely don't want his friendship-"
Alexandra gave a short laugh, " That's just it 'Kita, sometimes, I want a lot more than his friendship - and it would be a death sentence for both of us if we were something more."
Nikita took off her sunglasses, "Off the record, what prevents you from acting at Section, the way you act on a mission?"
Alexandra looked at her, like she'd grown a second head for a moment, and then shook her own head. It was to late for her, and she knew it. Her own death was inevitable. She wouldn't condemn him to share it.
Darren walked back by Michael's office, after spending another two hours with one of the martial arts teachers. He felt like he'd improved, but he knew he had lots to learn. He could see the light glowing into the dim hallway from Michael's office, and shook his head. He knew Michael and Nikita had both been up all night, and now, Michael was still in there, probably working on a report - and probably trying not to deal with whatever had happened between himself and Nikita. It was a very effective technique that he saw Alexandra use all the time.
Darren walked passed, and then stopped, and went back, and knocked on the open door.
Michael looked up at him briefly, " What can I do for you Darren?"
Darren leaned against the door frame, " I was wondering if you wanted to talk."
That sounded lame, Darren thought to himself.
Michael looked up at the younger man, not really surprised at what he'd just said. He really was a lot like Nikita.
" I have reports to finish," Michael answered.
" I'm probably going to get my ass kicked for saying this, but if you could pull your head out of your ass long enough, you'd see you fucked up big time somewhere," Darren said, suddenly angry.
He wasn't just angry at Michael though. He was angry at Alex, because they'd gone through so much, and she was his only real friend her besides Nikita, and she shut him out. He was angry at Madeline and Operations, because they held it over Nikita and Michael's head when he screwed up. Because he had to do what he would have once considered unthinkable - and now because of Section One, it wasn't so hard anymore, and he didn't like what that made him.
Michael looked up at him, surprised for only a moment. Darren was always too nice. He didn't argue, he may not like what he was doing, what he had to do, and even if you could tell, he still did the job. It was one of the reasons why Michael always defended him. But Darren also knew his place, and this wasn't it, it was not something he would normally do.
'I was gonna ask if you'd spar with me, but I don't think I want to anymore,' Darren
said, and cracked a grin, 'at least, not anytime soon.'
But Darren had been in the hall this morning too, at an hour when it was normally vacant . . .
" Come in, close the door," Michael said, and stood up, and closed the blinds on the two sets of windows.
Darren stepped in, and closed the door behind him.
" What did you hear in the hall this morning?" Michael asked quietly.
Darren opened his mouth, prepared to lie, and then closed it for a moment, " Nothing much, I know you argued, and I don't know about what, but it doesn't take a genius to see that you're gonna ignore it, like everything else."
Michael wondered why he was even asking, why he even considered defending his actions. Because Nikita has gotten under your skin, she's wearing off on you . . .
" Nikita is more important to me than anything else. Consider your actions very carefully."
Michael sat down behind his desk, his attention completely focused on the screen. Darren had been dismissed, and he knew it.
Michael was used to not being able to sleep. He suffered from nightmares, just as Alexandra did. He burned off the stress in similar ways. It was one of the reasons why Alexandra had been placed in Nikita's care. To give her a taste of being responsible for someone else.
He'd been away for over 48 hours, and he knew somehow, that hard work out, or killing holographic images until he couldn't stand, wouldn't help. His mind kept replaying what Nikita had said to him that morning.
'You haven't had a chance to go fuck some strange woman on a mission in a couple months, so you start seeing me outside section - and now that you're back in the saddle seducing women for section you don't need me anymore!'
That wasn't it at all, and where his logical brain knew that she understood why he slept with women on a mission, he could understand her jealousy. He'd felt it when Darren was sent on that mission as her husband and not him, even though he knew Darren wouldn't touch her unless it fit the mission profile. But he'd learned a long time ago not to expect Nikita to think and reason the way he did.
He was going to lose her if he didn't work this out, and he knew it. And though he hated the fact that he'd become dependent on her, he accepted it. He got up, showered quickly, and got dressed, wearing a dark blue polo shirt she'd bought him once.
He stopped at the flower shop, and almost turned and left, seeing Alexandra looking at bouquet in the chilled cabinet. But she'd seen him, he couldn't leave now, without raising suspicion.
" Hey there," Alexandra said quietly, picking up a bouquet of yellow roses, " are you guilt shopping or just being nice?"
Michael almost reacted. Did everyone in section know they had a fight?
" Why are you shopping?" Michael asked her.
Alexandra smiled, " guilt, I haven't been much of a friend to a friend of mine lately."
" I should pick out roses without thorns, they will probably be thrown in my face," Michael told her.
Michael actually smiled, and chose red roses anyhow.
Nikita heard the key in the lock, and felt anger rush through her veins. She'd just change the damn lock of she had too . . .
She got up, pulled on a robe, and stormed out of her bedroom, she'd send him right back out. She paused for a second when she saw him putting the roses into a vase, but she hardened her resolve.
" Don't waist your time," Nikita told him, " I don't want roses, and I don't want you."
Michael ignored her, and finished arranging them, aware that she was striding towards him. He turned at the last minuet, graceful as a cat, and caught the hand that was flying out to send the flowers flying, and shoved her into the sofa instead. He leapt after her, dragging her across so she lay on her back, and pinned her down with is body. He gripped her jaw to hold her still, and looked into blue eye's that were bright with rage.
" I slept with her because I had to. I haven't slept with you because I felt filthy. I had to pretend she was you to even be able to perform, and that made the guilt I feel even worse. This morning, when I heard you talking with Darren in the hall, right after our argument, I was so jealous I wanted to kill him. I'm not used to being jealous, I don't like it, but know this 'Kita - you insisted on getting to my heart, and now that you have it, you will never - never be able to let go. I won't let you. I'd kill the man who tried to take you from me."
He crushed his mouth to hers, not giving her a chance to say anything, tasting her, devouring her, so hungry he was afraid he'd lose control, and yet, at the same time, willing to do just that now.
He sat back, pulling her up with him, and dragged out the knot in the robe's sash, and slid his hands inside, desperate to feel her flesh.
Nikita pulled the blue polo from his slacks, and dragged it up, and Michael peeled it off, and pushed her back down onto the sofa, moving his mouth down her body, taking one erect sensitive nipple into his mouth, and then the other, laving and suckling until she writhed, begged and clawed at him. He had to drag her hand away from his zipper twice, intent on pleasuring her first, otherwise, it would be over to fast. Finally, he grabbed both of her hands, held them down with one of his, the other sliding down between her thigh, sliding between the tender folds of moistening flesh, parting, searching, finding and stroking the sensitive bud nested there.
She moaned out loud, arched up towards him, writhing under him, begged him to come inside her.
Michael felt his hand shaking as his mouth moved down, and when he pushed her knee's up, his tongue delving into where his fingers had just been, he was overwhelmed with the sweet heady taste of her, intoxicating for him as his actions were for her. He lost his grip on her hands, and felt them plunge into his hair, so he reached up, seeking out a nipple to torment.
She came hard, crying out, shaking in his arms, and he shed the rest of his cloths as quickly as he could with one hand, and eased her back on the sofa, and sheathed himself inside her, fighting his own building orgasm every moment. He moved carefully, making sure he touched her just the right way with each stroke, until he felt her muscles tighten again, and knew she was reaching her peak, and he let his own come, moaning her name as his entire body shuddered with the power of it. He let himself collapse on her, holding her trembling body as close to his as he could.
" No one, no other woman, can do to me what you can ma chere," he whispered in her ear.
Darren drew to an immediate halt when he glimpsed someone in his apartment, but immediately relaxed when he saw Alexandra. She was sitting in one of the chairs, roses in hand.
" Roses, I don't suppose that means you're here for my head, since I told Nikita where she could find you."
Alexandra laughed, and shook her head, " Nope, since it was Nikita, I'm not pissed."
Darren nodded, not sure what to say next. Alexandra maintained very strict rules about their friendship. She'd only been to his apartment once - and this felt too intimate for it to be Alexandra.
" So, what did I do to deserve flowers," Darren asked her, as she handed the bunch to him.
She smiled and ran a hand through her dark red locks of hair, " It's kinda what I did - I shut out my friend, when I should have let him in, when I should have been there for him."
Darren smiled, " Alex, you don't have to-"
She put her hand over his mouth, " Yes, I do, for me - I'm sorry Darren. Thank you for putting up with me."
Darren felt warning bells going off in the back of his head. Yellow roses, yellow for good-bye . . .
He set them on his kitchen counter and grasped the hand that covered his mouth, kissed the back of it, and held on, " You once told me I should always trust my gut Alex - and right now my gut is telling me you're thinking of doing something very stupid."
She smiled sadly, and looked away, " I'm not brave enough to do it."
Darren hugged her to him, and kissed the top of her head, his hands rubbing her back, " I need you red, more than you know, more than I should. You just can't even consider it. I know I'm being selfish, but if that's what it takes . . ."
By Kimberly
Email address: kcolu97589@aol.com
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