THE APPLESHADE FILES

File Four

Though I Ramble in the Valley of Death

"Rights for ramblers! Footpaths for all! Twinky-Poo is a tosser! Hoorah!" Go the cries. Just another Saturday outside the grounds of Van Twinky-Poo Mansion. Sebastian Van Twinky-Poo III is not known for his compassion towards country ramblers.

"Just fuck off you bunch of scavenging lowlife scum!" Comes the equally vociferous shout of Sebastian Van Twinky-Poo III from behind the safety of his electrified fence. The crowd boo. The police jostle. And way down the road, Mr Appleshade drums his fingers upon his steering wheel, and wonders what all the fuss is about.

"Lot of people about, Mr Frog."

"Blocking the road, Mr Appleshade. Most annoying."

Mr Appleshade beckons for the attention of a passing policeman.

"Excuse me constable; what appears to be the problem?"

"That tosser Twinky-Poo won't let a bunch of scavenging lowlife scum through his grounds, sir." Comes the reply.

"How very understanding of you, constable. Thank you."

Mr Appleshade looks at Mr Frog.

Mr Frog looks at Mr Appleshade.

"Won't be a moment, Mr Frog."

Appleshade pushes his way through the crowd, right up to the fence. Sebastian Van Twinky-Poo III stares at him. Mr Appleshade beckons him closer with his finger.

Twinky-Poo draws nearer.

Mr Appleshade beckons him further.

Twinky-Poo gets even closer.

"Yes?"

"I was just wondering, Mr Van Twinky-Poo III..."

"Yes?"

"Whether this fence is AC or DC."

Sebastian Van Twinky-Poo III, assuming he has basic knowledge of electrics, now discovers the answer to Mr Appleshades' question, who wastes no time in securing Twinky-Poos Eton tie to the fence, watching with disinterest as the man alternately flies from, and returns to, the barrier, with suitably electrical sound effects.

"AC there, sir. Suits you." Mr Appleshade returns to his car. The crowd cheer him.

"All done, Mr Frog."

"Did you deal with the tosser Twinky-Poo, sir?"

"I did sir."

"Bravo."

Mr Frog looks at Mr Appleshade.

Mr Appleshade looks at Mr Frog.

Mr Appleshades car sustains only minor damage as it plows through the now screaming and scattering crowd, although he does lose his no-claims bonus when he runs over a sleeping policeman.

"Scavenging lowlife scum, Mr Frog."

"Perfectly understandable, Mr Appleshade. Window wash?"

"Splendid."

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