But among these statues of Starfleet Virtuousness and Alien Machoness, a lone figure in a Starfleet Captain's uniform walks languidly, gesturing to us as he speaks. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to 'A Study Of'. Today I have decided to stay in this humble little timeline and take a closer look at what has become almost a national obsession to many women of the past; bear with me, I've never understood timelines either. We'd have interviewed these women in question, but sadly enough, since they no longer associate with DS9, we could not reach them."

The camera shifts angle and he turns abruptly to follow it. "And what is this obsession which has soaked more than one or two keyboard around the world?" He stops in his steps and look down, gesturing for us to follow. When we look, we see a replimat table, with Garak and Bashir, frozen when a particular conversation had turned heated. Julian is flailing in anger while Garak is rolling his eyes, dismissing all of it with an imperious wave of the hand. The man looks up and nods. "Yes. A lizard and a nymph. And yet these two have generated so many lustful thoughts and feelings, it would be an impossibility to enumerate them all." He glances sideways to another camera with a smirk, "well, not so for an omnipotent being such as myself, but I digress." He turns back to us and frowns. "And what is it about them that makes women wring soaked panties? Weeeell," he chuckles, "I mean come on. Do I have to explain myself?" There's a blinding flash of light and we're inside a corridor, in front of an airlock where Garak and Julian are talking. Garak is in the process of telling his young friend about the infamous isolinear rod, while Q (ok, who DIDN'T think it was him at this point? Shame on you!) stands in between them, bouncing his attention back in forth. He snaps his fingers, freezes them just as Garak smiles blindingly at the young man, eyes lowered almost seductively. "Do you need more proof? I got lots!" he said merrily and another bolt of lightening strikes.

One after the other, he brings the viewers through a myriad of G/B scenes. Garak entering Julian's quarters unannounced, Julian sitting down on a bed and placing a sympathetic hand on a reticent Garak's shoulder, Garak meeting Julian for the first time ... and just as the tailor brings his hands down on Julian's shoulders, Q snaps his fingers and stills the picture. "Ok, now, bear with me people ..." We switch to a classroom where the same picture is being displayed on a large screen. Q, decked out as a professor, snaps his baton harshly across Julian's face. "This, students, is what we call the look of nervous anticipation. Notice the large, bewildered eyes, the slightly parted lips, the chest heaving as we put it in motion," he says, clicking a remote control and letting us watch three or four seconds of footage before pausing it. "Notice the hands, carefully placed, warmly, affectionately ..." He breaks out of character and leans toward the camera, "These two have got it _bad_!" He snaps his fingers again and we're back on the Promenade.

"So why are we not hearing more on these two anymore, you ask? Because of these other two," he says glumly, walking forward until we see two frozen figures. "Meet DS9's space cadets. Ziyal," he points to a little girl in the process of looking up cutely at Garak, "and Leeta," he says, waving at a bimbo winking playfully at Julian. "The eternal Kirk syndrome comes back to haunt us, and it seems that SOME PEOPLE," he screams at an invisible point beyond the camera, "prefer that Garak and Julian be turned into bimbophile slash pedophile slash heterosexual males with no taste, instead of being united with their true soulmate. And it burns my as--"

The screen blanks, then is replaced with a boring looking man with a suit and thick glasses, a neat pencil holder in one pocket and a Klingon dictionary in the other. "We at Viacom apologise for that broadcasting. Had we known about this we would have--"

"HEY!" Q appears behind the nerd, frowning with impetuous surprise. "You can't cut me off, I'm omnipotent!"

"Your omnipotence stops where our writers begin."

"You want to take this outside nerd?" Q snarls, than quickly swings a hand over his mouth, looking mortified. "Oh NO! They've turned me into one of THEM!! The Machos. NOO!!! I must escape, I must leave before that happens ... I still want to appear behind Jean-Luc and speak softly into his ear ... I want to feel his bed one more ti--"

Cue to a future DS9 episode where Q is frolicking with a Dabo girl. And when one leans over, listening carefully to the cheesy soundtrack, one can almost detect the ominous, foreboding laugh of a nerd ...

The End