IN THE SHADOW OF LOVE

Copyright BGM 1998

[...] from the north to the south, Ebudea into Khartoum, from the deep sea of Clouds to the island of the Moon, carry me on the waves to the lands I've never been, carry me on the waves to the lands I've never seen.

Part of Oricono Flow - Enya

The Cardassian had finally gone.

"Ssh, I'm a friend ..." the strange woman whispered soothingly. Julian shook his head, taking another step away from her. He'd seen the ridges; he knew her to be Bajoran. Bajorans were almost as bad as Cardassians, Julian knew from experience. And the fact that this one had slipped into Garak's quarters unannounced and given no indication of what she wanted, Julian was wary.

"How do I know that?"

She heaved a great sigh and led him to the washroom. As she dampened a cloth she said, "Here, I'll prove it to you." She wiped the cloth over her temple, where after a few scrubs distinct patterns of dark brown appeared.

"You're Trill!" he exclaimed, fascinated at first then quickly worried. "If you are discovered they will kill you!"

She smiled blindingly. "I don't plan on being discovered anytime soon. Look," she said seriously. "We have sources here on Terok Nor, and we've been watching you."

Julian blinked confusingly, trying to make sense of this woman's unexpected presence. "Me? Why me? And who's us?"

"You've heard of the Rebellion?" she queried.

The Human shrugged diffidently. "Yes, everyone has. But what does that have to do wi--"

"I'm part of it," she interrupted. "And we need people like you to grow. We're pitifully undersized as it is, and we're recruiting people we think can help us."

Julian widened his eyes in surprise. "And you came to me?

She smiled kindly. "Don't be so surprised. We've been following you. I think you're passionate enough to help us. Don't you want to fight this Julian?" she asked, waving at the ostentatious quarters. "Don't you want your revenge against these bastards, for what they took from you? Don't tell me you like living as a slave ..."

"I don't!" he said quickly, glaring at her for proposing such a thing. "You can really do that for me?" he asked hopefully. "Take me away from here? Make me a fighter?"

"Yes," she nodded simply. "No offence to you Julian, but we'll take almost anybody right now. We're in desperate need. You won't be living in luxury like this," she again indicated the room. "But at least you'll be free. Everybody has their opinions, and every one of them is valued. Will you join us Julian?" she pleaded, looking up at the dark young man and instilling hope with her peaceful features.

"If it means leaving this," Julian sighed. "I suppose anything is better. All right," he nodded. "I think I'm ready to leave," he nodded, certain he didn't realise the full impact of his decision at the moment. Which is good. I don't need hesitation hindering my chance. My time is here; I have to leave.


Days will pass, your words to me, it seems so long; eternity, but I must wait until it's over.

Part of Evacuee - Enya

The ship was waiting. Taking cloak as a small Bajoran freighter, the Rebel ship waited silently for its two destined passengers to arrive, unaware that another had taken interest in it.

Dax watched the corridor studiously, then turned to Julian. She smiled unexpectedly. "Those ridges fit you," she said, waving at the Bajoran feature on the bridge of his nose. Julian snorted, quickly stifling the urge to touch it.

"I feel like a damned idiot. I keep thinking about how soon I can take it off."

She frowned again, her shapely eyebrows lowering in doubt. "Well not until we reach the Eclipse. I think if we act casual, we won't have any trouble. Would your absence be noticed right away?" she inquired.

Again the young man snorted, though Dax noted the distinct fear reflecting in his wide expressive eyes. "Yes. My ... my former owner would be looking for me now. He never leaves my side for more than an hour or so."

The Trill's worry doubled. "So we should be looking out for ... what? A Bajoran or a--"

"Cardassian," Julian replied, despising the shiver of unwanted desire tickle his spine.

"Right," she nodded sympathetically. "Here," she turned and stabbed something into his hand. When he looked down, he discovered it was a weapon.

"I never used one of these before."

"Oh it's just like a type three Bajoran disrupter."

"You don't understand," Julian insisted, looking up to reveal anxious wide eyes. "I've never used a weapon in my life."

"You get used to it," she threw back, scanning the corridor. "All right, follow me. Act normally with everybody. If you see your Cardassian, just press that trigger there," she indicated, pointing at the proper place. He swallowed and nodded absently.

"All right, let's go," she said, and casually hid her weapon in her sleeve as she walked leisurely down the stretch of corridor. Mimicking her, Julian followed her, hoping with every fibre of his being they wouldn't meet Garak. But then his wishes had a rather nasty tendency of not coming true, as Julian soon found out.


"What the hell are you waiting for?" Dax shouted, shocked that Julian simply stood there, staring back at the Cardassian. Heaving a cry, she slipped her own weapon out of her sleeve and moved to aim it at the Gul.

A quick flick of the wrist showed her that doing so would be futile, since he'd had the presence of mind to bring his own disrupter. His eyes never wavered from Julian, even as he trained his weapon in perfect sequence with Dax's head.

"You disappoint me my Pet," he said after a moment. "I thought I made it clear to you what would happen if I ever I found out your were slipping away from me ... it seems this falls into the category, don't you think? What shall it be tonight, my sweet?" Garak's eyes intensified in anger, a mixture of madness and lust lining the sapphire colour. "It seems an eternity since your last real whipping, doesn't it? Perhaps it's time we updated that sorrowful piece of information. Or perhaps you'd like a repeat performance of your Initiation? I'm offering you a wide variety of choices, my Pet. Aren't I generous?"

"Leave him alone! He is not your proper--"

"Shut up," he said quietly, and Dax's voice dwindled to silence at the promised wrath beneath the words. "You made me wait for you my dear," he said to Julian. "I don't like to wait."

"Then you'll be waiting a lot longer than you think Garak, because I'm not staying. I'm leaving; whether by your hand, or with her. That's the choice -I'm- giving you Garak," Julian spat, passion flaring his spirit anew. He walked up to the Cardassian, no longer afraid, uncaring of the consequences as long as they didn't end up with him staying a minute more with his former owner. "So? Choose Garak. Kill me, or let me go. And if you keep me Garak, I swear, I'll end my life. I've had it of all the suffering, the pain, the torture. I'm tired of my desire for you. We can never be together Garak; we're too different. What you want from me is too expensive. And what I want from you is ... impossible for someone like you to offer. So let me die, or let me go. I won't go on a day more knowing I want you, but never being allowed to have you."

The disrupter wavered, and for a moment Dax thought the Cardassian was preparing to fire. But he simply buried it in its holster, his eyes never leaving the sight of the young man.

Tentatively, Garak reached out and caressed the back of his hand across the smooth golden cheek. Despite the angry set of his features, Julian made no move to pull away. Encouraged, Garak leaned in and kissed him; a gentle tender touch with barely a hint of underlying passion. When Julian reluctantly parted his lips, Garak hesitantly entered, giving up the act, surrendering to Julian's equally nimble tongue as it explored his own mouth. It was the first time the lovers truly kissed, and with the act came the realisation that both their lives would never be the same again. They would go on living, hurting, killing; one for cause, the other in bitterness. But both would not ignore the empty place in their soul where the other had occupied.

When Garak parted from the young man, tears shone in his eyes, and for once he was not ashamed to show it. He looked deeply into the Human's eyes, losing himself in the mahogany intensity. Still close enough to be heard only by his slave, his confident, his lover, Garak leaned in further and whispered in his ear, "I love you. Never doubt that Julian." He drew back, watched the Terran's reaction carefully before leaning back completely. What he'd seen had been enough to satisfy him. A mute acknowledgement that the feeling might be reciprocal.

Fraudulent emotions were quickly drawn on their features, both falling back into their roles. Garak angry, Julian equally so -- if not more.

"Come on Bashir," Dax said, tugging at his arm. "Let's get you out of here."

"I am giving you one a last chance," Garak called as he watched them leave. "Stay here, or you shall regret it."

Julian looked over his shoulder, his mouth curving into a smirk, feeling free for the first time in his life. "I'm sure. Watch your back, my pretty Pet," he mocked, laughing as he disappeared with Dax inside the airlock.

Garak stared at the rotund portal, his eyes turning sad as he walked toward it. When the door had fully closed, he peeked inside. Both Dax and Julian were still, staring incredulously at the black void beyond the outer portal, no sign of their ship waiting. Dax screamed and swivelled back, slamming brutally against the glass. "You fucking Cardassian!"

He smiled sadly. "Finding a decoy vessel is not all that difficult my dear," he said through the intercom. "I had it sent away to Bajor for refitting." His eyes switched to Julian, who slumped against the wall, his eyes cold.

"The choice is still valid," Garak whispered confidently. "What is your decision?" His very words mocked the Terran.

Julian slowly walked toward the glass, and after a moment he triggered the door. He turned to Dax and gestured mutely for her to pass first. Angry, frustrated that they'd been undermined so easily, Dax stalked out of the airlock, glaring at the triumphant Cardassian.

The victory was short lived however, for the portal rolled again, this time locking audibly when it was fully shut. Dax frowned and turned back while Garak's features turned confused.

They were facing each other perfectly, and was it not for the glass, both would have been in the perfect position to kiss. His expression unreadable, only the barest flicker of sorrow in his eyes, Julian reached sideways to a panel invisible to the Cardassian's eyes. He leaned forward and pressed a light kiss on the glass. Caressing his collar, he mouthed, "I love you Elim."

Dax suddenly shouted as she realised what Julian was reaching for, and leapt toward the portal in a vain intent to open it. The panel was pressed before she had the chance to touch the override, and the outer airlock smoothly rolled aside, ejecting the Human's body into space. As Garak looked on in unbridled shock, the young man was already indistinguishable amidst the thousand of other lights adorning the darkness.

His palms pressed firmly across the glass, Garak stared at the empty airlock, his breath gone, his legs weak as he let himself sink to his knees. He turned around and sat against the portal, lolling his head back and letting his tears stream freely down his smooth grey cheeks, uncaring of the Trill who was still staring out of the glass in belated shock. As the Cardassian allowed his sorrow to escape his soul, a song - a Terran song Julian had kept among his few possessions - came back to haunt him.

Who then can warm my soul? / who can quell my passion? / Out of these dreams - a boat, / I will sail home to you.

Wiping away the tears and regaining his composure, Garak heaved himself to his feet. Glancing one final time at his beloved's grave, he walked away toward his quarters, where he knew the jevonite knife would finally find its purpose ...

The End