Slow Pulse

*****
There's a slow pulse down here
*****

  "Mr. Sandburg, I'm told you are not here entirely of your own volition."
  "It wasn't my idea, if that's what you mean."
  "You do understand that it's the department's policy, after an event this traumatic, to have an assessment completed before you return to ... well, your previous position."
  "Yeah, I get that."
  "Do you understand the reasons for it?"
  "Is that important?"
  "You have to be here regardless ... but it's helpful to find out how you view this session."
  "Dying puts a lot of things is perspective."
  "What does that mean?"
  "It means I'm fine. Better than I've been in a long time."
  "Do you regard this assessment as unnecessary?"

*****
and a peace like drowning
*****

  "It's an hour of my time. It doesn't bother me. Do what you have to do."
  "All right. I have to admit, it's fascinating to speak with someone who was clinically dead. Do you recall a near-death experience?"
  "That's personal."
  "Mr. Sandburg, this is completely confidential."
  "That doesn't make it not personal."
  "Most people are happy to share their near-death--"
  "So talk to them."
  "We'll leave this for now. I'm pleased to see you're not intimidated by this meeting."
  "You think a *conversation* is going to intimidate me?"
  "What does intimidate you?"

*****
and I don't mind if I do
*****

  "Not too much, anymore"
  "Do you feel immortal?"
  "I ... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh at you. Lady, I'm not crazy."
  "I'm sure you have a solid grasp on reality, Mr. Sandburg. I asked you how you *felt*."
  "Glad to be alive. Lucky. I don't feel invulnerable, okay? I just feel like I've been given a second chance."
  "A second chance to do what?"
  "I don't know. Whatever I want, I guess. Do I have to decide right now?"
  "Is this a chance to finish your doctorate?"


*****
I don't care if I ever
*****

  "There's no rush on that."
  "You've been working on your dissertation for a long time."
  "I like to be thorough."
  "Is that what you tell your advisor?"
  "The last thing I told him was that I would get back to him. I'll finish when I'm ready."
  "What if you're never ready?"


*****
make a thing of myself
*****

  "Then I'll never finish. It's not the most important thing in the world."
  "What is?"
  "That's also personal."
  "Mr. Sandburg, if I tell your captain that you were unco-operative..."


*****
and I don't care
*****

  "I'll tell him I have a right to my privacy."
  "Have you discussed any of this with your partner?"


*****
to speak to you
*****

  "It's kind of a touchy subject."
  "What do you mean?"
  "I mean he doesn't like to talk about it, and actually, I don't blame him. It's over; I'm fine; there's no problem."
  "I understand the two of you were going through difficulties before Ms. Barnes made her attempt on your life."
  "You understand? From who?"
  "That's not important."
  "You're right. What's important is that you've been discussing Jim and I with his co-workers. I don't think he'd appreciate that. I don't appreciate it."
  "It's in the official report, Mr. Sandburg, in explanation of your place of residence at the time of the incident."
  "Oh, great. Does Jim know that?"
  "I assume so. He signed the report. The report doesn't indicate the nature of your difficulties."


*****
Tell me these things end in tears...
*****

  "I was a little single-minded about my dissertation"


*****
shouldn't want one thing too much
*****

  "And that upset Jim?"
  "He read it. He took offense. He doesn't really understand ... I used the term `fear-based personality', for example, and he thought I was calling him a coward. Stuff like that."
  "You're writing about the department as a closed society, is that right?"
  "Yeah. Just the major crimes division."
  "You think your partner was hurt by what you wrote?"
  "Yeah. We're friends. I live in his home. He thought I abused his trust."
  "What do you think?"


*****
You're wise from your years
*****

  "He should've known better. We've been friends for three years. How could he not have noticed that I care about him?"
  "He thought your friendship was an artifice?"


*****
of ruining everything you touch
*****

  "He can be a little paranoid."
  "What was your response?"
  "I was angry that he'd read it. I'd asked him not to. I did tell him that I'd throw it away if he wanted me to."
  "Throw away your dissertation. Give up on your doctorate."
  "Right."
  "Did you mean that?"


*****
Take your hands off me
*****

  "Yeah. I said it to hurt him, but I meant it."
  "How would saying that hurt him?"
  "He knew we had a deal, and he was being unfair. He likes people to think that he's reasonable. Losing fucking battle, but sometimes he's quixotic."
  "This argument resulted in your leaving his residence?"
  "Not directly. We kind of settled that one, but we were both still pretty frosted about the whole thing and it just built up. Our next big fight was about Alex."
  "Ms. Barnes."
  "Right. I was working with her on something at the university, and later on it turned out that she was involved in a crime, so I had to tell Jim I knew her."
  "Why would that make him angry?"
  "That's personal."
  "Did he think you were involved in the crime?"
  "I don't think so. Like I said, it was personal."
  "Mr. Sandburg, it's going to be difficult to help you if--"
  "I'm not here for help. I thought this was an assessment."
  "Fine. What happened next?"
  "Jim threw me out. That wasn't ... he was upset about a lot of things."
  "Such as?"
  "Personal things. Anyway, he told me that he didn't trust me..."


*****
You say you're not lonely...
*****

  "...that he didn't need me...."


*****
unquiet...
*****

  "...and that he wasn't sure he could get past it."


*****
or ill-used.
*****

  "I said I wanted to try, and that I was sorry..."


*****
I guess so much misery surrounds you
*****

  "and that he knew where to find me."


*****
that I just got confused.
*****

  "Which, I guess, he did"


*****
I thought I heard you keening.
*****

  "That was the last time you spoke with him before the attempt on your life?"
  "Yeah."
  "That must have been difficult for both of you."


*****
I'm doing well down here
*****

  "We got past it."
  "But you say you and he don't talk about it. It sounds to me as if you have a lot of unresolved issues."


*****
and if I'm drowning
*****

  "We're fine."
  "I'm sure you're both relieved to have survived such a near thing, but that doesn't make problems disappear."
  "I told you..."


*****
it takes weight off my back
*****

  "Dying puts a lot of things in perspective."
  "What's changed?"


*****
if I skirt some tragic fate
*****

  "We understand now that we have to get along. We aren't ever going to be apart."
  "That's a pretty strong statement. Can you explain it to me?"
  "It's--"
  "personal?"
  "Yeah."
  "This is the best I'm going to get from you, isn't it, Mr. Sandburg?"


*****
and die in my sleep
*****

  "Yeah. Sorry. What are you going to tell Simon?"
  "That I'm concerned by the intensity of your partnership ... but I can't see any reason for you not to go back to work."
  "Good enough. Look, doc ..."
  "Yes?"


*****
you'll just have to
*****

  "This partnership ... it's not a problem."


*****
live
*****

  "Jim and I have finally got it right."


*****
with that
*****

all lyrics from "Slow Pulse" by Gayleen Froese