La FAQ de Max Wheeler
by Max and his friend eDDIe, local pot dealer and author of locally published novel The Fantabulous Groovy Contraption of Professor Fuzzlebug Noodleworth
In the approximately 3½ minutes that I have owned this particular web site, I've been asked many questions. Last count was two, both of them from former manager Torgo, a.k.a. Nathan Phillips, who wanted to know when I wanted the site and how much I would pay him. Whereas most people would have simply posted these two questions (the answers are now and none whatsoever, respectively, both duly accepted with only a slight murderous glare by Mr. Phillips), I have remembered the promise made in the motto of Wheeler's Shack. I have also recalled that Wheeler's Shack has no motto, so here's one for the books or whatnot. "Wheeler's Shack... Pop! Pop! Fizz! Fizz! Oh, what a--" Nah, that's no good. Anyway, if there was a motto, it would be something about how this site belongs to The People and therefore it has been made specifically in a "user-friendly" format. So I'm shoving plenty of general questions that I'm sure would otherwise flow in by the thousands down your throats for immediate digesting. That oughta shut you up.
- Who *is* this Max Wheeler?
That would be me. I am a budding genius full of brilliance in artwork and all other branches of extreme creativity, and I also know HTML, which, y'know, is kind of like college these days. If you don't know HTML, say bye-bye to the work force. Not that I'm part of the work force myself, but anyway, that's not the point. If I'm starting to really turn you on, skip to the questions below about my amazing charm and the possibility of marraige. I am currently working on my first novel, a series of comic books, a series of columns about writing comic books, an amateur film called "The Man in Black Wanders the Streets on the Misty, Dark Summer Night" (chilling title, no?) which I will commence work on as soon as I find 30 nude women and an abandoned skyscraper for the opening scene. In addition to all this, I am in a band known as Plastic. We have been together for eleven years, since fifth grade when the only instruments we had were a lot of spoons and glasses and a few things to bang on. Since then we've added a toy drum machine, a slide whistle, and an acoustic guitar with three broken strings. We have recorded five brilliant albums distributed locally on cassette, available for $11.99 each. E-mail me for further details. My interests include Star Wars, Star Trek, comics, uh... uhhh... Star Trek... uhh... well, anyway, you get the idea. And, uh, this site is mine now. You will bow down to me.
- Who was Torgo?
Information on Torgo and the eventual fate of his "Shack" is to be found in this fabulous little piece I wrote sometime back. Sad story, but true.
- Where is Torgo?
Torgo once said, in his very own FAQ, that he was "just a guy." I have discovered that he, in fact, is less than that. He's the kind of guy who ends up sleeping in janitors' closets. And then the janitor comes to work and orders him to get the hell out of the office. And if he's lucky, once in a while he gets to clean the carpet and the janitor gives him a lollipop. As for where he specifically is... to find this out, I went straight to the source. I received the following reply: "Look, kid, I still don't know who the fuck you are, but if you're going to to steal my fucking web page, could you please at least leave me the fuck alone? I mean, c'mon." I repeated the question, and at last received a concrete response. "Well, Mr. Wheeler... I've been around. I'm always around." How touching.
- Wow, thank you for revealing what an asshole Torgo really is. How can I ever thank you?
Oh, dear me, where to begin? How about clean my carpet? I'll get you a lollipop or something. Hahahahahahaha! Get it? Did you get the joke? 'Cause I, like, said that same thing up there, and... God, this is so fucking funny... now I'm saying it again, see!? Good God, I'm fucking hilarious, I don't know what the world did to deserve someone like me.
- Do you really think "Voyager" is better than the original series?
Original, schmariginal! I never searched the 'Net high and low for fake nude pictures of Captain Kirk, if you get my drift.
- Haven't I met you somewhere before?
In your dreams, doll. But hey, why don't we go make history? What do you say?
- What do you look like? You seem so unabashedly charming!
Well, sweetheart, I'm a complex guy and looks don't say it all, but as you wish. For a sexy little pic of yours truly, click here
- Now that I've seen you, I do believe that we have met somewhere before. Weren't you my stunningly handsome boyfriend back in high school when we were the most popular couple on campus? Didn't I dump you for the guy who dressed as the school mascot, a small tiger, in the name of school spirit and leave you to the fucking dogs? Don't you want me back since my life has been fucking miserable ever since then?
Slow down, babe. First of all, the thing is, *I* dumped *you*. And as for your little act of self-pity here, don't come crawling back to me. To quote... uh, Al Pacino or whoever that was in that movie about the Mafia... "Frankly, you crackwhore, I don't give a rat's ass." (Of course, I can't properly maintain my arrogance without also being mentally superior in my vast knowledge of film history. For example, ask me any question about The Empire Strikes Back, the greatest piece of art in the history of human civilization. Go ahead. Ask.)
- Okay, I'm one of the fools who preferred Torgo's Shack to this brilliant piece of work known as Wheeler's. What can I say? I'm an idiot who cannot appreciate true majesty. Is there any chance Torgo will return anytime soon? If so, how much longer? If not, what can I do?
Listen, you flea-infested backwoods son of a bitch, the second you step into this web site, I own you. There will be no further talk of "Torgo," whoever that is. The Man Whose Name We Must Never Mention (MWNWMNM) shall never return. My suggestion, if you actually still like Torgo even after the recent maturing of society and you still want the fucker to come back, is to put yourself and everyone else out of their misery and kill yourself. That's making it easy enough on you, I'd say.
- Your site-building skills are remarkable. Teach me some HTML!
Um... that's not a question, Einstein. But here's some really cool HTML tricks that will rock your world. First off, here's some horizontal lines.
Are they cool or what? And you can put as many of 'em on here as you want! See?
HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT?? HUH? And, uh, you can also screw around with the font sizes, heh heh. This is heading 1.
This is heading 2.
This is heading 3.
This is heading 4.
This is heading 5.
This is heading 6.
There. See, I can do a lot of shit. Pretty cool, huh?
- Jarjar Binks. Is he cool or what?
THAT'S JAR-JAR, YOU IDIOT!
- What's your favorite Terry Brooks novel?
I dig anything the man wrote. There's nothing I love more than going down to the convenience store at the end of the street and discussing Terry Brooks with the clueless old man running the register. Rumor has it he sleeps in a tire. I figure he's a real Terry Brooks type.
- Of all the Monty Python sketches ever written, which is your favorite to recite word for word?
One word: Neh.
- Will you marry me, dreamboat?
Heh, ladies. Don't crowd all at once, now. There's plenty of Maxy Wheelie-Wheel to go around.
- I have a question that's not listed here! What should I do?
I've got an idea... How about leave me alone and stop asking stupid questions!?
- Fuck you.
Yeah, whatever. Just go back to the index.
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