By Scott Luther:

I would like to title this familiar tune "The Significant Other Lament" sung to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic. I hear it quite frequently and it goes something like this:


If Johnny goes and buys pez some more,
He'll die, He'll die,
If Johnny goes and buys pez some more,
He'll die, He'll die,
For if Johnny goes and buys pez some more,
Then Johnny will be out the door
and six feet under,
If Johnny buys pez some more,

If Johnny spends another dime on pez,
Good Bye, Good Bye,
If Johnny spends another dime on pez,
Good Bye, Good Bye,
For if Johnny spends another dime on pez,
Then I'll be on the next plane
and we'll all be bankrupt
If Johnny continues to spend

If Johnny goes to another show,
There'll be blows, blows,
If Johnny goes to another show,
There'll be blows, blows,
For if Johnny goes to another show,
then Johnny will be no more,
and we'll both be single
If Johnny goes to the show.