Friday, June 20, 1997 -- Home |
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| What is it about hope that makes you afraid to act? |
Well, I was dreading today, too. Knowing that the Director of IT had called back to our home office, I was a bit concerned with how things would go.
I was more-or-less honest with Gary, telling him that I knew they were disappointed with the amount of work that they'd seen. He seemed to respect that, and called me into his office, and told me about the System Analyst/Project Manager they were thinking about hiring. I already new of this from yesterday, so I just nodded, and told Gary that I prefered this. I wasn't worried about the fiscal operation there, since the Director of IT had intimated that they were going to pay for this person, as opposed to us. I actually got a lot of work done today, even though I spent a great deal of time helping Barry import his database...Not his fault, I think it was a bug in MS SQL Server.
I had read a personal ad in our local version of CreativeLoafing, a free weekley, that looked intriguing. I matched almost perfectly (I'm not 6' tall...), so I called. They have it set up so that when you place an ad with them, you also place a voice-mail ad, and have a voice-mailbox. You pay to set up the ad (one-time) and the responders pay to leave, and hear ads (1900 number). I listend to her ad, and found it immensely intimidating. Not her, per se, but the combination of what she wants, her voice, and my desires was almost overbearing. The first time, I just hung up, and walked away. I was still going to leave an ad, but couldn't even remember what I'd prepared to say. I guess it's what they call the fear of rejection, that many men have. I certainly do. The only times I've ever had girlfriends, or dates, were times when I just told myself "What the fuck, ask!" And, yes that is the phrasing I used. Whenever my personal feelings get all wrapped up in it, I always get shot down. It makes me wonder sometimes...why would a woman respond to a man who obviously doesn't care, but not respond to one, who cares so much he can't get it out? One of the GreatMysteries, no doubt. Let me know if you have a clue on this one. When I met Heather, I was an agnostic at a Christian dance. The kind that doesn't play regular music, just Christian music. Why was I there? Nothing better do to, the library had closed, and I was waiting for Dad to pick me up. Heather was there, and this guy was talking to me about Christ, and I really didn't want to talk to him. So I walked over to Heather, mainly as an escape from the guy, and asked her to dance. My clothes weren't clean, I'd spilled something on them from my catering job, I was sweaty from a long day at school, and I didn't care if I never saw her again. We wound up dating and living together for over 5 years. I just don't get it. I eventually got over the fear, and just decided, I want to know this person. I told myself, I can't lose, this isn't that important over and over. It became a mantra, and I left the message. Now, only time will tell. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that acting like you don't care, or even not caring is the way to go. I really believe that caring is the most important thing, I just can't seem to get my ideas across in speech. So I write, I do better in email and online. This journal is me. Whoever that person is, will see these words, and know me, and care about me, too. It's part of why I do this. |
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