A-Typical male's journal.

It's been building for awhile, has always been a problem, and won't make me stop doing this. Like I've said before.

The problem is Hits. No, that's not really the problem. I may be getting thousands of hits a day, people sitting on the edge of their seats waiting for another GenericJoe Journal entry, checking out this site over and over.

Yeah, Riiiight.

The real problem is, that I don't get any statistics, I'm in the dark. I partly want it that way, because it my confirm my fear. That there really is no one who reads this. Besides LadyDawn, that is.

For me, the writing really is the key ingredient. I'm joyous that I write this. But posting...putting it online...that's becoming harder. A couple of times over the last few weeks, I've batched them together. Several pages going up at once. Pages which were written at different times, days. I had them all along; I just hadn't put them up.

It's a prison of my own making, at least in part. I refuse to have a counter on my webpage. Counters are kewl, they run counter to my goals here. This is not a 'kewl' web page. And yes, I did spell that right.

Of course, I could put one of those statistic generators on my page. One of the ones that's basically an ad, or an ad outright. I don't even comply with geocities' requirement to put their little GeoCities banner thingie on my page. Why would I do it for some statistic company?

This was at least part of my motivation to move the site, to somewhere I could have more control. Another part had to do with cgi indexes and next and prev pages. {In the hopes to program those links, so they would never break.}

But I keep writing and posting. I feel like I'm in the void. I even post to diary-l every now and again, and don't often get responses to my responses. I feel invisible, stupid and worthless. I think my writing sucks. I wish someone would tell me they like me.

Selfish, huh? I can't help it.

I know some of the things I need to do to keep readers. Things like post every day, or nearly every day. I don't read journals that don't update often, I can't expect others too. In that sense, I've committed an awful sin, posting as sporadically as I have.

I've been working at it, but some of my creative energies have gone into another project, which, hopeful, will start taking shape soon. It's not on the web yet, so I can't even link you there.

Ghod, I am tempted to just delete this now. I'm whining about hits, dammit! Well, maybe not hits, so much as feedback. I could get that, if I went back to diary-crit-l, and tried to do that. But I won't until I know I can commit to that. I will though. I promised myself that when I left diary-crit the last time. MacArthur-like I muttered "I will return." MacArthur-like I meant and mean it still.

I'm determined. Determined to do this, and to do this well. To earn the respect of my readers. Determined to write well, and often.

I will do this thing.

In NC, when you have been seizure-free and off medication for two years, you can petition the state to remove the medical requirement for your driver's license. Tomorrow Dr.Hickling and I are going to do just that. I'll never lose my license through negligence again.

On Tuesday, I go back to court. I doubt that I'll have my license reinstated by then, so they may not dismiss the case. I'm not sure what will happen, but I'll be able to go there, with my head held high, knowing I'd (finally) done everything I was supposed to do. Everything I could reasonably be expected to. Knowing that, I can face my fate. After all, I did do something wrong.

Perhaps this weekend, I'll get the first stages of my project online. If so, I'll be sure to let you know, and for those of you who actually read this, you'll be able to check it out.

See just because I'm on GeoCities, doesn't mean I'm always depressing....

Generic Joe's A Typical Male