The (Almost) Daily List Welcome to:
The (Almost) Daily List!

Much of the three-person staff here at The Pancake cut their comedy teeth at a little college newspaper known as The UCSD Koala. If you've ever seen a copy of The Koala, you probably remember three things about it.

  1. The Personals Page
  2. The Lists Page
  3. The bracing scrape of news stock on your sensitive buttocks the next time you ran out of toilet paper

Ý Note: Special Bonus List!

Well, personals lose some of their impact when your combined audience comes to about eight people, and the glass screen of your monitor doesn't really lend itself to wiping your ass, but we can still write a damned fine list. Check back for a new one (almost) every weekday.

March 10, 1999



Top Five Reasons People Buy a Macintosh

Celebrated computer guru Jeff Goldblum recommended it
Believe that paying a little more is worth it to get less power, minimal expandability, and no software selection
Unwilling to learn complicated computer concepts, such as “plugging in cables” and “typing”
Enjoyed Titanic so much they decided to board a sinking ship of their own
The store was out of GameBoys

Previous Lists from Previous Days


October 22, 1998

Top Five Closer Match-ups than New York Yankees vs. San Diego Padres

  1. Evander Holyfield vs. Emmanuel Lewis
  2. Superman vs. Zan the Wonder Twin (in the form of a bucket of water)
  3. Citizen Kane vs. Stop or My Mom Will Shoot!
  4. My face vs. your ass
  5. New York Yankees vs. Escondido Brownie Troop 618

October 22, 1998

Top Five Items on Padres Manager Bruce Bochy's World Series "TO DO" List

  1. Announce the Padres have a pretty good chance of winning the Series; also announce the leaves have a pretty good chance of not turning brown and falling off the trees this year
  2. Give one-armed pinch hitter a chance to play during ninth inning from-behind rally
  3. Save best relievers' strength for crucial game 8
  4. Strike a blow for the rights of disabled people by pioneering the first All-Cripple Infield
  5. Assure Las Vegas bookmakers they'll get their money's worth

September 2, 1998

Top Five Elementary School First Day Bummers

  1. During first roll call, new teacher reveals that your first name is not really "Lance", but actually "Poopybutt"
  2. Discovering that your route is now serviced by the short bus with the shoulder harnesses
  3. Older brother lied when he told you all the cool third-graders wear butt-hugging corduroy OP shorts
  4. Girl-impressing fart in cafeteria turns out to be "something more"
  5. All your friends brought much cooler guns than yours

August 27, 1998

Top Five Hilarious Jay Leno Punchlines (followed by Kevin Eubanks’ Top Five Responses)

  1. "O.J. must have killed her!" ("Ha ha ha ha!")
  2. "Bill Clinton is fat and horny!" ("Ha ha ha ha!")
  3. "I have a really big chin!" ("Ha ha ha ha!")
  4. "Uh oh, Joan Embry’s animal friend just pooped on my desk!" ("Ha ha ha ha!")
  5. "Seeing crippled children disemboweled by Nazi doctors is… get this, Kevin… is actually funnier than me!" ("Ha ha ha ha!" + rim-shot)

August 26, 1998

Top Five Signs That the President Wants to Have Sex With You

  1. He offers you a "position on his staff"
  2. Every time you're around he puts on the tie with the little red, white, and blue sperm on it
  3. During Assembly, Al Gore keeps passing you notes reading, "Billy Likes You"
  4. He mentions to you offhand that the legal definition of "sexual relationship" also makes no mention of "anal play".
  5. You have a vagina

August 4, 1998

Top Five Things Lamb Chop Will Do Now that Shari Lewis is Dead

  1. Sell herself nightly to the highest-bidding fratboy
  2. Accept challenging new role on Melrose Place as "Lamb that Screws Everyone and Acts Like a Bitch"
  3. Appear on shocking episode of Springer entitled "She Stuck Her Hand Up My Ass for 45 Years"
  4. Three words: kebabs, kebabs, kebabs!
  5. Just lie there like a shitty old sweat sock

April 30, 1998

Top Five Things I Believe When I Hear R. Kelly’s Spiritually Moving Ballad, "I Believe I Can Fly"

  1. I believe I may vomit.
  2. I believe the apocalypse is closing on us fast.
  3. I believe that, if I could fly, I would immediately fly over to R. Kelly’s house and drop a big, steamy spiritual movement on his bald head.
  4. I believe if I dug up the mushy-headed, worm-ridden corpse of Sonny Bono and recorded putrefaction gases being squeezed out of its asshole, I would produce a better song.
  5. I believe I can fly. Then I believe I should not have eaten the brown acid.

April 28, 1998

Top Five Worst-Selling Beanie Babies

  1. "Pinchy", the Massive Earwig
  2. "Stinky", the Shaved Gerbil
  3. "Ballsack"
  4. "Shakes", the Beanie Crack Baby
  5. "Floppy Little Piece of Shit"

April 23, 1998

Top Five Things to Do with Zit Squeezin's

  1. Pick 'em
  2. Flick 'em
  3. Roll 'em
  4. Stick 'em
  5. Collect enough to fill a parmesan cheese shaker, then head over to Round Table and let the good times roll!

April 21, 1998

Top Five Rejected Ideas for New Xtreme Games Events

  1. Running With Scissors
  2. Eating at McSnack
  3. The Nike® 5K Skinny Honky Sprint Thru Compton
  4. Dipping Your Nads in Gravy Train and Waving Them Above a Hungry Doberman (brought to you by Ralston-Purina)
  5. 12-gauge Freestyle Shooting Yourself in the Head

April 17, 1998

Top Five Jennifer Aniston Success Secrets

  1. Always surround yourself with four or five people even more annoying than yourself
  2. Don’t let anyone know that your hair looks that way because your retarded cousin cuts it for you
  3. Be sure to pose for magazine covers on your stomach so they can’t see the colony of pus-weeping pimples that coat your fake breasts
  4. Fuck a rich leprechaun, land a successful sitcom
  5. Nipples! Nipples! Nipples!

April 15, 1998

Top Five Red Flags that Will Cause the IRS to Audit You

  1. "Please don’t audit me, I don't want to go to jail" written across front of envelope
  2. Country of residence listed as "Poopland, the country with the people®"
  3. Instead of a 1040, tax return consists of a 3x5 index card that reads "Refund: $100,000,000.00"
  4. Yellow Post-It Note attached to back of form says, "Remember to add fake deductions."
  5. Entire return filled out in what appears to be dried eye boogers instead of ink

April 14, 1998

Top Five Stephen Hawking Bowling Tips

  1. Buy a custom-made ball with holes specially drilled to fit your bent and tardy fingers
  2. To avoid interference with computerized scoring machines, be sure to turn off Yoda-like voice synthesizer
  3. Make sure your chair's wheels are aligned, or else your twisted frame will end up crumpled in the gutter
  4. Even if your useless feet never touch the lane, wear bowling shoes; chicks dig 'em
  5. For a self-esteem booster, sign up for the Down's Syndrome league

January 20, 1998

Top Five Signs That You've Hired a Bad Nanny

  1. The spit up on Junior's jumper is usually not his own
  2. She waits until footsie pajamas are entirely full before changing baby
  3. The lazy, limey bitch can barely handle three of your freakish septuplets
  4. You commonly come home to find baby with a diaper pinned to his head and a pacifier jammed up his butt
  5. The peculiar toddler-shaped hole in third-story nursery window

August 27, 1997

Top Five Reasons I Haven't Added a New List to the Site in Over a Week

  1. Busy social schedule and near-constant sexual activity have kept me away from the computer... Ha ha ha, no, not really!
  2. Was sitting aboard an alien vessel, being plumbed anally with a mysterious glowing rod
  3. Was sitting at home, plumbing myself anally with the vacuum cleaner crevice attachment
  4. Was trying my little heart out to come up with a list containing no anal references
  5. You didn't deserve one

August 15, 1997

Top Five Reasons to Celebrate Elvis Presley’s Death

  1. You’ll take any excuse to spend a day all doped up ‘n’ goofy
  2. “Love Me Tender” was playing on the jukebox the night you proposed to your cousin
  3. Physicists hypothesize that if Elvis had continued to expand at his 1977 rate, his gravitational field would have caused the moon to collide with Earth by 1993
  4. Without Presley and his slew of freakish impersonators, your successful chain of White Polyester Jumpsuit City stores would have folded years ago
  5. Given his massively wide-spread popularity, if Elvis were still alive we’d probably have a fat, ignorant, drugged-out backwoods hick as our President right now. Hey, wait a minute...

August 14, 1997

Top Five Great Episodes of Three's Company

  1. The one where the landlord almost finds out that Jack's not gay but then he doesn't
  2. The one where Joyce Dewitt looks like something out of a bad acid trip
  3. The one where Larry comes over and talks about how, despite his polyester flares and the fact that an emu could nest comfortably in his hair, he's getting lots of play
  4. The one where one of the roommates overhears something really bad about one of the other roommates and does all kinds of crazy stuff but in the end it turns out it was all just a big misunderstanding and they all go to the Regal Beagle
  5. The one that's not really very funny

August 12, 1997

Top Five Real Reasons Bill Clinton Has Been Losing Weight Recently

  1. It's strenuous work to feel everybody's pain all the time
  2. Had to divert thirty percent of the Big Mac budget to cover those pesky legal fees
  3. Chinese government officials sent him 600 cases of Ultra Slim-Fast as a "campaign contribution"
  4. He finally figured out how to inhale the crack he's been smoking
  5. The same reason Chelsea's been walking kinda funny recently

August 8, 1997

Top Five Signs Your Supervisor is Starting to Devolve into an Ape

  1. You overhear him singing along to his “Sounds of the Tanzanian Rainforest” CD
  2. His requisition request for your new project includes whiteboard markers, extra toner cartridges, and “many bananas”
  3. When you miss a deadline, he responds by hitting you over the head with a coconut
  4. He absent-mindedly begins masturbating halfway through the annual shareholders’ meeting
  5. Every time you walk by his office he chucks a handful of poop at you

August 5, 1997

Top Five Complaints of UPS Workers

  1. Sick and tired of ignorant people referring to them as “ups guys”
  2. Cool stuff like guns and bombs always gets shipped FedEx
  3. Management too damned cheap to spring for doors on delivery trucks
  4. Recurrent nightmare of being buried alive in a mountain of packing peanuts
  5. Hard to score with the babes when you’re clad in the colors of feces

August 4, 1997

Top Five Nutty Things to Say During a Digital Rectal Exam

  1. "Yeah, go ahead and put in a quart of 5-30."
  2. "Whoops, 'scuse me... Went to El Torito last night."
  3. "Ow! Hey, watch the tonsils!"
  4. "No, I have no idea where that small, rodent-like skeleton came from."
  5. "AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

August 1, 1997

Bottom Five Things You Want to Hear From Your Summer Camp Counselor

  1. "Today we could go hiking or we could go swimming, but instead I've decided we'll just carry big rocks up the mountain all day."
  2. "Good news, Higgins! The psychotic killer in the woods got Davis, so now you get the top bunk!"
  3. "If the chocolate in the s'mores tastes a little funny to you, don't worry; it's probably just the corn."
  4. "Pack up your gear. Your parents were so proud of the wallet you sent home, they've sold you to a sweat shop in Mexico."
  5. "No peanuts or granola for you today, Tommy. Tonight is your turn as Mrs. Camp Winnemucus."

July 31, 1997

Top Five Things a Guy Stores in His Four Billion Extra Brain Cells

  1. Enough sense of direction to find his way out of a paper bag
  2. Ability to drive more than a block without nearly killing several people
  3. Lots and lots of pictures of naked boobies
  4. The complex choreography of smooth muscle control and hand-eye coordination required to pee his name in the snow
  5. Sensitivity toward women - however, these two cells are often misplaced among the 1.3 billion devoted to belching the alphabet

July 29, 1997

Top Five Lessons to Be Learned from Andrew Cunanan

  1. It's entirely possible to dress like a woman, but still kill like a man
  2. Always have the right tool for the job: pruning shears for brutal stabbings, hacksaw for head removal
  3. If you want a free plane ticket from Miami to San Diego, all you have to do is blow your head off
  4. When the media says someone "has ties to the gay community", it means they suck dick
  5. Once an altar boy, always an altar boy

July 25, 1997

Top Five Benefits of Vacationing With Your Parents

  1. Hours of entertaining fun playing "Count the flakes of dead skin on Dad's bald spot"
  2. All points-of-interest (and many points-of-absolutely-no-interest) brought to your attention thirty times in case you miss the first 29
  3. Become acquainted with the music of Nelson Riddle, played at eardrum-shattering volumes
  4. Masturbatory urges curbed by thoughts of Mom and Dad screwing in nearby tent
  5. It's free

July 24, 1997

Top Five Ethiopian TV Dinners

  1. Marie Callender's Sand Pot Pie
  2. Budget Bean and Frank
  3. Swanson Starving Man® Piece o' Gristle
  4. Jeno's Nothing Rolls
  5. Stouffer's Slow Monkey Lasagna

July 23, 1997

Top Five Reasons to Hate Microsoft

  1. MS-DOS
  2. Windows 3.1
  3. Windows 95
  4. Windows NT
  5. Unappealing uberdork Bill Gates is probably getting laid tonight; meanwhile, I can't even get a friggin' hummer

July 22, 1997

Top Five Ways to Ensure that Your First Date with Her Will Be Your Last

  1. Show her the entirety of your vast collection of screen savers
  2. While waiting for dinner, expound on the importance of pheromones to the human mating ritual. During meal, reveal that you’ve dabbed semen on your earlobes, wrists, and nipples to aid the natural process.
  3. Bring along a copy of the Dungeons and Dragons "Player’s Guide". Whenever she asks you a question, consult a random page and roll an eight-sided die before answering.
  4. Before excusing yourself to go to the restroom, ask if she has an extra tampon you could borrow
  5. Put out

July 21, 1997

Top Five Ways to Ensure that Your First Date with Him Will Be Your Last

  1. Show him pictures of tender moments shared with your last fifteen boyfriends
  2. While waiting for dinner, scratch your crotch openly. During meal, extend a finger and ask, "Do I smell bready to you?"
  3. Bring along a parking meter. Every hour, exclaim loudly, "Please insert twenty dollars for the next sixty minutes", and refuse to speak or move until he does.
  4. Hum theme song from "Sanford and Son" incessantly throughout evening
  5. Don’t put out

July 17, 1997

Top Five Consequences of Repossessing all of O.J. Simpson’s Stuff

  1. The Juice attempts to re-earn some of his fortune with another book, entitled "I Want to Kill You"
  2. Rash of brutal murders in which women were beaten with a "blunt, Heisman trophy shaped object" ends abruptly
  3. Bloodied duffel bag found in attic sells at auction for $3.65
  4. Bloodied corpse of Kato Kaelin found in basement sells at auction for $0.38
  5. Without his golf clubs, O.J. is unable to continue his arduous search for the real killer

July 16, 1997

Top Five Things You Can Buy for $266 Million

  1. Enough cigarettes to earn a free fifty dollar pup tent
  2. Two weeks in the Lincoln bedroom
  3. One hell of a lot of pipe cleaners
  4. Mexico
  5. A couple of pictures of some big, red rocks

July 15, 1997

Top Five Signs You've Checked Into a Bad Motel

  1. Placard above sink reads "Forget to bring a hooker? The management will gladly supply you with one."
  2. When you turn on the light, the "wallpaper" scatters
  3. On your way in you see Bill Clinton checking out
  4. You keep hearing the phrase "Time for the money shot" coming through your wall
  5. After finishing with your room, the maid leaves a turd on your pillow

July 11, 1997

Top Five Cool Things to Say When Your Roommate's Mom Calls

  1. "Virtual Boner Phone Sex. May I pleasure you?"
  2. "No, she died a couple of days ago."
  3. "Are you that bitch that keeps calling about her crack fix?"
  4. "Maka-laka-pee-sang! You've reached Fiji!"
  5. "Sorry, Mrs. Stewart. Phil can't come to the phone right now. He's on the turdmaker shitting out half a hamster."

July 9, 1997

Top Five Incriminating Features Paula Jones Can Identify on Bill Clinton's Penis

  1. Farm beast teeth-marks from Arkansas-style adolescent experimentation
  2. Red, white, and blue tattoo down the side reading, "Inhale THIS!"
  3. Long line of paper cuts from various "missing" Whitewater documents stashed under foreskin
  4. A hole on each side so he can piss whichever way the wind blows
  5. The little scar from where Hillary removed his balls

July 8, 1997

Top Five Fun Facts About Uranus

  1. Circled by several brownish rings
  2. Gigantic clouds of methane outside, chunks of iron-rich rock inside
  3. Environment too harsh to support life
  4. Was originally to be named "Urasshole"
  5. If you look at it while standing on the sink bent over in front of the mirror, your roommate is guaranteed to walk in

July 7, 1997

Top Five Things BMW Stands For

  1. Behold My Worth
  2. Bad Motorist Warning
  3. Butt Munch Within
  4. Born with Miniature Weiner
  5. "I'm a self-centered yuppie prick with no concern for right-of-way laws or the personal health of others, whose pointless cell phone conversation about 'networking' or pork belly futures is probably passing through your body and giving you terminal cancer at this very moment, so just stay out of my goddamn way!! Fuckin' longhair..."

July 3, 1997

Extra-special Safe'N'Sane Pre-Independence Day Blockbuster Blooming Jade Shower of Wacky Sparks List
Light and STAND BACK!

Top Five Things Being Independent Means To Me

  1. Never having to lower the damned toilet seat
  2. Having the freedom to take a fat, steamy dump in the middle of the produce aisle
  3. Peeing in bed nightly; changing the sheets monthly
  4. Not caring if your "diarrhea comeback" happens in the middle of Sunday Mass
  5. What? You said "being independent"? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said "being in Depends". Nevermind.

July 2, 1997

Top Five Things You Could Do if Your Penis Was Run Over By a Steamroller

  1. Always have a handy place to put your beer
  2. Get a leg up on your competition for Chief Burger Flipper promotion at Wendy's
  3. Never again pay for parking meters, Magic Fingers, or anything else with a coin slot
  4. Be a huge hit at poker games with your novel card-cutting technique
  5. Play paddleball, anytime, anywhere

July 1, 1997

Top Five Things Michael Jackson, Jr. is Probably Doing Right Now

  1. Undergoing his first plastic surgery
  2. Suckling at the warm teat of a chimpanzee
  3. Wondering why that scary mime keeps hugging him
  4. Happily cooing at a mobile fashioned from the bones of freaks throughout history
  5. Praying to god he'll die a nice, peaceful crib death before Michael, Sr. gets the chance to fuck him

June 30, 1997

Top Five Reasons Mike Tyson Bit Off a Chunk of Evander Holyfield's Ear on Saturday Night

  1. In cell block H, that's considered a "friendly gesture"
  2. Trying to gain advantage over Michael Jackson in fight for this year's "Most Freakish Black Male" award
  3. Recent reading of The Agony and the Ecstacy has convinced him that all great men should be missing an ear
  4. Steroid-induced mania caused him to briefly mistake Holyfield for Robin Givens
  5. He was just hungry

June 27, 1997

Top Five Results of the Supreme Court's Rejection of the Communications Decency Act

  1. Civil rights activists world-wide rejoice in the knowledge that it's still legal to transmit the phrase "vaginal blood fart" across the globe
  2. Internet news services can continue to report on Bill Clinton's private life with impugnity
  3. Family value conscious right-wingers will have to pursue other methods of avoiding actually having to parent their children
  4. Gene pool further stagnates as society's intelligencia continues to stay home and masturbate
  5. Now that the Court has been made aware of the incredible amount of pornography freely available on the internet, Swank magazine has nine fewer subscribers

June 26, 1997

Don't let that Letterman character fool ya -- The Koala was doing lists years before that gap-toothed bastard stole the idea. And unlike those candy-ass Late Show writers, we're not afraid to number our lists in ascending order, the way they were meant to be read. Thusly, in honor of aforementioned punks, here's our very first Daily List:

Top Five Reasons to Watch The Late Show with David Letterman

  1. Too stoned to work the channel changer
  2. Amusing games of "Guess the Substance Dave's Washed-Up Guest is Abusing"
  3. Only other entertainment options are cleaning the toilet and ritual self-disembowelment
  4. Profound mental retardation allows you to still enjoy the same hairpiece joke after the six-millionth retelling
  5. Jay Leno
Back to the Table o' Crap