Mail-Order Brides hit the Internet! by Zander Collier, III

As I work for an Internet Service Provider, it is only natural that I would spend time online after work.  Why not?  I have one of the highest speed connections at my fingertips.  As a matter of fact, it is not all that rare for me to pick up a six-pack of liquid bread and come in on the Sabbath, pointing and clicking away to my hearts content.

But boredom began to set in.  I'd found the website where someone had written a voluminous set of webpages explaining how Einstein's theory of relativity, Dr. Michio Kaku's 10-dimensional theory of reality, and the Book of Revelations are connected into an equation that can explain all of existence.

Actually, the author goes on to also claim that the Book of Revelations is a metaphor for what physically happens to a brain of someone addicted to alcohol.  After finding this, I knew that I had found the ultimate in
Internet propaganda.  I'm sort of ashamed to admit this, but after staying up all night - on a work night - reading the damn thing, I found myself shaking because my foundations in reality had been shaken so thoroughly.

The shakes finally wore off.

Of course, you can read the Apocalyptic Files and the Autobiography of Mr. 666 on your own.
 

But I digress.
 
The subject is 'Mail-Order Brides hit the Internet' right?
 

Well, just like any other dysfunctional Internet Engineer, I started looking for pictures of 'singles'.  It's REALLY easy.  Go to Yahoo and enter the word 'singles'.  (Duh)

The reason I say dysfunctional is because instead of acting like a normal guy who REALLY wants to get laid, and going out and meeting women, I sit in a little darkened office on a gorgeous weekend day, and stare at a computer screen.  Jesus I'm a retard.

And we lament the fact that society is becoming more and more impersonal. Go figure.

Anyway, the first thing that constantly pops up on these Singles searches are websites devoted to selling 'Beautiful' (a.k.a. desperate) Russian Ladies to financially secure, handsome (a.k.a. has all his teeth), family oriented, and drug-free American men.  The way I see it, those Russian women are gonna be very pissed when they realize they won't find any such thing.
 

In the course of my online adventures, I do have to admit that I have come across quite a panoply of 'Beautiful' Russian women.  Seriously.  The problem isn't flying there to meet and bang them; the problem isn't flying them here to meet and bang them.  The problem is not with banging them.  The problem is that they want me to marry them.  I have a just little more than a bit of resistance to this idea:

The first bit of resistance to this idea is that, call me a romantic, but I'd kind of like to talk with my supposed spouse.  After all, this is someone I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life with, or divorce, whichever comes first.

Wait!  Hmmm... perhaps this actually isn't a problem...  If I understand the institution of marriage correctly, spouses quit talking to each other after 5 years anyway...  Hmmm...
 

The second bit of resistance to this idea is that I have very little regard for the institution of 'family'.  Hell, you can't come out screwed up like me and have ANY respect for that institution.  I was raised by my neurotic parents to become the overachieving Leader of the Western World, and look at me.  I'm a stupid engineer
mouse-clicking for 'Beautiful' (a.k.a. desperate) Russian women.  (Can you tell I'm just a little bitter?)

The third bit of resistance to this idea is that it would prevent me from having sex with other women.  However, given that I haven't had sex, except for my hand, in over a year now, this argument falls flat on its face.

Lastly, what would I tell Mom?
 

Now - If I could ship over a 'Beautiful' Russian girl for a few months for dating and fornicating, and then call INS when I got sick of her - NOW THAT'D BE A PROPOSITION!
 

Unfortunately, even though I have a dirty mouth, I do have some morals, so none of this is going to happen.  Oh well.

As this adventure has continued, I have branched out into other singles.  African women, Asian women, South American Women - The list goes on and on.
 

Let me share with you a few compelling links that I did find:

Nataly, 19-year-old Sexual Beast from Kirghizstan: http://www.1anastasia.com/osmatch/spring97/2451.htm Now if I wasn't 27, I'd probably order this one.  She's amazonish 5'10". Why does she have to be in Kirghizstan and not next door?  Damnit! (Chances are that if she WERE next door, she wouldn't be dating me.)

The Realist Movement in Russian Art: http://www.1011.com/svetlan/rw-204.html Need I say more?

Really quite pretty.  Too bad she's so sad: http://www.1011.com/svetlan/rw-247.html

This lady would rather wait for her Destiny: http://www.destiny.spb.ru/642.html Why does she bother waiting?  She's almost in the ground anyway.

The Vietnam Vet/Militia Dating Service: http://www.loveme.com/foreign-affair/infopage/phil1.htm

Most Attractive Qualities: http://www.destiny.spb.ru/285.html I thought 'Communicable' referred to Sexually Transmitted Diseases. She is cute enough that I might take that chance.

The Coup De Grace: (straight from the webpage)

Quoted:
 20a. Miss Helina Amankwaa, W. Africa. (Age23) I am a beautiful black  lady. My hobbies are exchanging hot photos, travelling, swimming,  marriage, travelling and music. I will answer all letters.(3) Photo.
 
Marriage sounds like quite an interesting hobby too.